Men don’t talk about suicidal thoughts, but they should

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Men don’t talk about suicidal thoughts, but they should

By Jon Caldara

A friend just told me of his relatively recent suicide attempt. Like me he’s around 60 years old. Unlike me he survived a great deal of war trauma in the military. And trauma will come for you sooner or later no matter how far down and how long you bury it.

The suicide rate for men my age is staggering. Don’t call the suicide hotline on me for what I’m about to say. Trust me, I’m not suicidal. But I completely understand why men my age cash in their chips, and I can respect their desire and even their right to do it. I just hope they choose not to.

Modern society has done spectacular work on appreciating women’s issues and encouraging women. The number of young women going into the STEM field is a result of a lot of societal attention on that goal. By the numbers, in a few years it’ll be hard to find a male doctor or attorney.

But in this great societal advancement we’ve lost an empathy for the challenges men go through, because to focus any special attention on men is seen as just another example of the male dominated, good-old-boys, boys-will-be-boys, society that we’re trying to escape.

I’d speculate nearly all men my age have seriously contemplated suicide for a variety of reasons. I’ll tell you mine.

I was very scared to become a father. I put it off like avoiding the draft. And then this little baby girl came and blew up everything. We named her Parker, and she filled me with purpose and joy unlike anything I thought unattainable.

When Parker was approaching her first birthday, she became sick and wouldn’t stop vomiting. As per the doctor, we took her to the hospital to get an I.V. so she wouldn’t be dehydrated. But she continued to vomit. They became worried and did a CAT scan to find a large brain tumor.

Off to Children’s Hospital we went. The next day an MRI found the cancer had metastasized down her spinal cord. It was one of two types of cancer. One treatable, one not. The next day the biopsy found the incurable type.

Within days she was dead.

I had never experienced terror until I held the lifeless body of my only child. Thoughts of suicide came fast, but not for the reason one would expect. Yes, I was in excruciating pain, but that wasn’t in the calculations at all.

My job as Parker’s daddy was to nurture her, keep her safe, guard over her and care for her. Maybe there is an afterlife. If so, her daddy wasn’t there with her, wasn’t doing his job.

All I knew was that even if there was the tiniest possibility that part of her still existed, I should be with her. It was my sacred obligation.

You know you’re having suicidal thoughts when you start thinking about how best to get it done. Spoiler alert, I didn’t kill myself.

You see, in the ultimate expression of optimism, my wife became pregnant, and I then had a responsibility to that little person coming my way. My daughter Piper coming along was a big reason to stick around, and I’m very glad I did. Life is too delicious not to enjoy every moment.

My friend was saved because a group of family and friends intervened, they knew something was wrong. The lesson is relationships save people from suicide. You don’t have to jump into burning buildings to be heroic. You just have to be tuned in to other people’s lives.

Most men won’t mention they’re considering suicide to anyone because they don’t want to be thrown into a 72-hour psych hold, don’t want to be diagnosed as mentally ill, don’t want to become disempowered, and don’t want to be shamed.

And oh, men just don’t talk about intimate things because when they do, they’re usually not rewarded for it. Best to stay silent. Ladies, we love you. But you just don’t get it.

There was a time it was unsafe to come out as gay. We made it safe. We now need to make it safe for men to come out as suicidal.

Gentlemen, next time you’re with a good buddy, ask him, “so tell me if you’ve ever been suicidal?” Chances are you’ll hear a story.

Sharing those stories would help a lot of people.