The Apt Cods Podcast: Pet Vet 1

The Apt Cods Podcast

Pet Vet is a radio show that is sort of like that one show on Animal Planet. Here is one of the two shows that we ever made. (I have taken some small parts out to make it shorter.)

Nurse: What is his name?
Owner: Slither.
Nurse: What is his problem?
Owner: He's gone mad.
Nurse: He's gone mad! Slither has gone mad!
Owner: (crying)
Nurse: He is in solitary confinement and now he's escaped!
Owner: (scream)
Surgeon: Why do you keep him in that pumpkin thing?
Nurse: Why don't we have a lid for that?
Owner: Where's a lid? Where's a lid?
Surgeon: Miss, find a lid!
Nurse: Find a lid!
(struggle)
Nurse: He's getting loose! Aghkkgwak!
Surgeon: Nurse? Nurse? Have you seen my CD player?
Owner: I don't think that has a lid.
(silence)
Nurse: Get back in there!
(pounding)
Nurse: Be very quiet. Maybe the loud noises are scaring him.
Surgeon: How long has he been this way?
(silence)
Nurse: Yes, how long has he been this way?
(Pause)
Owner: (sigh) Well... since this morning.
Nurse: So... this morning?
Surgeon: Describe what happened.
Owner: Well, I... I don't know. I was just...
Surgeon: So, you - when you woke up, did he just go crazy or what?
Owner: I... I was just walking in to feed him... and... he was... slithering around like crazy.
Nurse: She was walking in to feed him and he was slithering around like crazy.
Surgeon: What do you feed your animal, Miss?
Owner: What snakes eat. Mice, and... um...
Nurse: Speak louder, please.

Owner: A-he-he-hem. I feed the snake MICE!
Nurse: Okay, that's better.
Surgeon: Were any of the mice acting the same way as your snake?
Owner: The snake wouldn't eat and now the cage is full of mice.
Surgeon: hmm. Perhaps you have been overfeeding your snake.
Owner: No. I feed him a mouse a day.
Surgeon: Well, Miss, that is called overfeeding your snake. A mouse a day is not good for a snake.
Owner: Half a mouse a day, then.
Surgeon: No. I think you should feed him a mouse a month.
Owner: I feed him a mouse a month!
Surgeon: Does he get the sun and the water that he needs?
Owner: Yeah...
Surgeon: How big is his cage?
Owner: This big!
Nurse: That is a tiny cage!
Surgeon: He probably has gone crazy because his cage is too small.
Surgeon: You need to get a 100 gallon aquarium.
Owner: How big is that?
Nurse: I don't know.
Surgeon: What kind of snake is this thing?
(sound of opening cage)
Nurse: Let me see. It appears to be a Phillipine Spitting Cobra.
Surgeon: Um... nurse? The patient.
Nurse: It just bit me a few moments ago.
Owner: (gasp)
Nurse: No, actually, it didn't.
Surgeon: Hand me the patient.
(silence)
Surgeon: Okay. We need to operate on this snake immediately!
Nurse: Yes, sir.
Surgeon: What should we do to it? Let me turn on my operating light...
(click)(click)(click)(click)
Surgeon: It's not plugged in.
Nurse: Let's unplug the sewing machine.
Surgeon: Hmm... a sewing machine...
(pause)
Surgeon: okay. That's fixed.
Nurse: We have prepared the patient on the operating table.
Surgeon: all right. What do you advise we do to it, Nurse?
Nurse: I don't think he needs any surgeoning, as I call it.
Surgeon: Are you sure?
Nurse: Unless he needs a few adjustments to the brain to stop him from being mad.
Surgeon: That's my specialty.
Nurse: Oh no! DON'T USE THE SEAM RIPPER!
Surgeon: Fine. I'll use the needle.
(silence)
Nurse: Well, are you done making the adjustments to the brain?
Surgeon: Brain? Adjustments? Oh yeah...
Nurse: What have you been doing? Stabbing his skin?
Nurse: Just get on with it.
Surgeon: Uh-oh. Our audience might be squeamish. Uh... what should we do to secure this? Ah! there we go!
Nurse: GROSS! Oh, please! This snake can't have antennae!
Surgeon: Looks rather dashing to me.
(pause)
Surgeon: All we did, audience, was block out a few of the nerves that make him go crazy. Um... I advise the owner... Miss!
Owner: Yes?
Surgeon: I advise you to get a bigger aquarium for the snake and stop feeding him so much.
Nurse: And make the aquarium comfortable. Something that you would like.
Surgeon: Ah, the snake's awake! Augghhh! Aaauuugghh! Aaaaaauuuuggg-

Surgeon played by Joseph
Nurse played by Mary
Owner played by Emma