Season 1, EPISODE 66: Straw Bangers & the Art of the Telephonic Poo

The Hate Napkin

EPISODE 66 SYNOPSIS

Straw Bangers & the Art of the Telephonic Poo

Welcome to Episode 58 of The Hate Napkin!

Um, excuse me, this is actually Episode 66.

No, it’s not. It’s a recovery episode. We lost 58, so we’re redoing it.

Um, Episode 58 is already posted actually. It’s titled “Slim Jims for Everyone!”

Well, I’ll be damned. Anyway, special guest, Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, leads off the show: “I can’t stand it when people call me when they’re taking a crap.”

The THN Boys are all about the art of the telephonic poo. As co-host Arik explains, the real secret is finding a subject that the person on the other line will gab endlessly about. They’ll be so fixated on their own words that they won’t even notice the kerplunk sounds on the other end of the line.

“The problem is when you accidentally emit a cacophonous fart—which normally would be okay, but the bathroom echo effect is a dead giveaway you’re on the pot.”

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali establishes basic Crapper Phone Etiquette. Text messages on the john are fine. Voice calls are a no, however. FaceTime calls should lead to capital punishment.

Arik shares a brilliant hate solution via his Uber Eats driver friend, Harold: Yeah, we all can’t stand it when the McDonald’s shake machine breaks down. In fact, we’ve come to expect it. But what’s really the pits is that fast food places haven’t created a system to communicate this fact to you in advance:

“Do we really need to wait in line in our car for a half-hour simply to be told that you’re out of shakes or fries or buns of whatever. All of these places have flagpoles—how about running ‘we’re out of this item’ flags up the pole to notify customers in advance?” Genius!

On a related note, Carla recently ordered a meal from Arby’s via DoorDash. The delivery driver warned her not to drink the shake due to the condition of the lid—which, she noticed, had been crushed somehow. The driver shared that the fast food worker even admitted he had stepped on the lid, but refused to replace it with a new one. Arby’s: R.B.: “Real Bad” service.

Keeping the service industry ball a bouncin’, Arik recently encountered a waiter who was relieved to get his biggest restaurant pet peeve off his chest: “I can’t stand it when customers bang straws on the table to take them out of the paper wrapper! Just rip the paper! Stop banging straws! It makes me want to kill babies!”

Pauly concludes our foody hate with a Southeast Asia spiel on Minute Maid Teppy, Coca-Cola’s latest attempt to ruin a cottage industry. All across Vietnam, one can find kiosks with affordable fresh-squeezed orange juice. Yet who needs a fresh, affordable drink when one can have expensive, godawful high fructose corn syrup dribbled atop orange pulp! And, not hard to believe, Coca-Cola sets up their own stands of tepid Teppy right next to the old ladies trying eke out a fresh-squeezed living.

Finally, Carla’s pussy matches the drapes! Plus, what does she keep in her drawers! Tune in to find out more!

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