Season 1, Episode 68: Pedophiles Who Read Banned Books, Plus Fake Monk Fundies!

The Hate Napkin

Pedophiles Who Read Banned Books, Plus Fake Monk Fundies!

Breaking news! The Hate Napkin is now the antepenultimate worst-rated podcast in the nation! Folks, you really have to aim high to be this low.

Co-host Arik leads off the show with his hatred of Phone Lingerers—people who don’t hang up the phone when the call is done, hoping they’ll catch you saying something nasty or whiny about them to yourself. Now when he catches a Phone Lingerer, he either farts into the receiver or thinks of the worst possible thing he can think to say: “I’ll bet their mom listens to The Hate Napkin.”

Next, the sounds of self-love. Can’t sleep at night? Subscribe to our new circle jerk white noise channel: “The Master Baiters”! {grunt, grunt, whack}

While we’re on the subject: harkening back to the dearth of No. 2 scenes in Hollywood productions, self-love is also a normal human behavior rarely covered in box office cinema. Ghostbusters, The Notebook, Gone with the Wind, Aladdin. How come no one ever takes a cinematic solo carpet ride?

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali is feeling depressed. No one ever likes the things he hates. So, going forward, he’s going to preface his list with “Pedophiles who.” As in: Pedophiles who squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube. Or: Pedophiles who leave just one spoonful of ice cream in the carton.

Pauly is also sick and tired of fake monks and serial killers who like wallpaper. Folks, our sound engineer appears to have lost his mind. But please no one stop him. It’s too much fun to watch a man completely unravel in front of the microphone.

Arik is fed up with Public Plant Bukkake! “Every spring and fall, I go outside, and the entire world is covered in plant sperm! It’s gross, it’s indecent! Plant gametes inside my ears, my nose, my mouth. Someone has to do something about all these plants mating openly in public!”

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, has a suggestion that lands her squarely in the THN No-Politics Penalty Box: “Why don’t the Republicans just round up all the plants, rent a bus and drop them off in Martha’s Vineyard?”

Finally: Fundies for everyone! (Even fake monks.)

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