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The Way I Am...Now (Jazmin Erving)
Manage episode 310898935 series 3076505
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The life you have in the morning may not be the life you have when you go to bed that night. Those words, Mamas infamous words, have been playing on repeat since February 18th. The day that Mama transitioned. I somehow thought this could never happen, it would never happen. My Mama was a force of nature and she’d be here until the sun burns out, maybe longer than that. I imagined my Mama here too see my daughters have children. I believe that, knowing that she was approaching her 90th birthday. I believed that, knowing that her body was tired and she was ready to go home. She’d been ready for quite some time. I hoped that some miracle would happen. That she’s somehow become a full self again, mind and body. That she of all the people in the world could defy it all. She had escaped death many times before, she had pulled through many illnesses like a champ. Even this time. She had been sick for over a week in ICU. And somehow, she managed to come through in the end and have conversations with her children, her grandchildren. She had some jokes and fashion requests. She told us she loved us. I thought, along with my siblings that My Mama was a gangsta. A spiritual gangsta. A woman who’s faith and resilience could make it through even the worst health crisis. And then she didn’t make it. She didn’t. And I, the demure, refined, sophisticated and well adjusted, socially assimilated black woman that I am, became something I never imagined I could ever be. A black motherless child. a screaming hollering ranting throw myself to the floor, throw myself to my mothers feet, black motherless child. If it would have been filmed I would have my Oscar.
In some of my clearer moments, this being one of them, I thought about this podcast. I thought about what I would say. How could I say it. When should I get back to it. It would be hard and I’m pretty much a mess. But here I am. This is the way I am now. I’m struggling with change. The biggest and most devastating change of my life. And that’s what this show is all about. So here I am. I’ll let you know how I’m doing from time to time. And we can commiserate together.
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