113: Affairs and Betrayals: Part 3 – New Construction

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about affairs. These are also known as betrayals of trust and infidelity. We will concentrate on the infidelity with other people, but betrayals can include other things such as financial betrayals as well. Unfortunately affairs are all too common in our world today, which is why we are devoted 3 episodes to this issue. The series will consist of talking about assessing and turning from the damage, demolishing your current marriage, and contructing a new relationship. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

• Affairs are prevalent in society today. The percentage varies but usually most show anywhere between 20-40% of men will have an affair of some sort during their lifetime and about 20-25% of women will. So think about that for a moment either you or partner may have engaged in this and if not then most likely of the next 4 people you meet, 1 probably has had an affair.
• Serious betrayals of trust can take a long time to heal from as some studies suggest it could take at least 18 months and in some couples I have seen it might take years unfortunately.
• We are in part 3 of our series on affairs today. We talked about the aftermath and the turn that needs to take place in part 1 (episode 111), the demolition of old ways of doing this in part 2 (episode 112), and the new construction that needs to take place in your relationship in part 3 (episode 113).
• New Construction is ready to begin. The old relationship is dead and it is time to do something new. We have talked about stopping the other relationship, assessing what was wrong and now we are ready to build.
• • In order for stage 3 to begin, remorse and a request for complete forgiveness should be asked for by the betrayer.
  • Hopefully by this point with all the work that has been completed in the first two stages, the betrayed partner should hopefully be willing to grant this forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean condoning or being willing allow the same behavior, it simply means to stop punishing the offender for the prior offense.
  • Now the real fun can begin. This is where you will work to create new connections and following are some ideas.
  • Making the decision to spend more time together if that was lacking especially 1:1 time away from the kids. Make sure to do something that can help foster connection. Maybe it is hiking together or playing cards. Things like movie watching can make it hard but if that sounds good to you then do it!
  • Daily Check-Ins. I mentioned these in a previous episode, but asking things like what went well today between us, what did not go well, and what needs to be better?
  • Go to your partner if there is a problem in your marriage and not others.
  • Ask your partner on a daily basis, things like “What can I do for you today?” This will show a selflessness that can over time replace the feelings of selfishness that too over your relationship.
  • The next one, two, or three, or 50 action items are called “Fill In the Blank.” These are where the two of you creatively decide on the new things you will do in your relationship. This is more important than you following suggestions from me or someone else.
• We hope you have enjoyed this special 3 part series on affairs and betrayal. It is such an important topic and if this is something you are dealing with now, there is hope. I have seen lots of couples come back from this and make their relationship something new so that something like this never happens again.

Resources:

• Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Thanks For Listening!

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As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.