James & Joe are back after a prolonged Genie related incident to take you through a proper Hallmark for the first time in a long time, the 2024 classic Paging Mr Darcy. The story of a dull woman, a dull man and the most annoying sister in the world. You'll hear all about catering biffers, James experimental one man show and the formation of Mansfie…

This week we are joined by the fantastically talented Mr Pat Veil to go through the 2008 classic Punisher: Warzone or The Most Violent Marvel Film to Date as it should be known. You will hear all about bullet sprinklers, Dennis Nedry facts, tales of Pats dashed boyhood dreams and Plantys one impression he can do. Its a little more relaxed in the ed…

Joe has been abandoned but thankfully the lovely Jay has stepped in to take him through another Hulk Hogan film, this time the 2009 classic Little Hercules in 3D although it wasn't in 3D. Starring Terrible Terry, The Big Show Tall Paul and the little buff boy you all remember from them memes a few years back. Its a simple tale of Hercules, Socrates…

Planty is back and we go all moody as we take you through the 2006 sort of goth classic The Covenant starring a load of high cheekboned lads of indeterminate faces in a film that's a bit like The Craft if you remove everything that is good and replace it with old tiramisu. You'll find out about imaginary spiders, the coolest mum in the world, CROTC…

As people are away on holiday, getting married or have been drafted into the French Foreign Legion we decided to do a little mini series of peoples favourite bad movies and what better way to kick off then with the daddy of them all, Jean-Claude Van Dammes video game masterpiece Streetfighter. Were joined by the John from Dammit Vacant and the love…

Welcome to a very very special episode of Hallmark of Greatness where we celebrate the upcoming wedding of James and Katie by watching the 2017 Masterpeice "Cronus" live and in my front room. The audio may be bad but the joy is real as we take you through the story of a man who loses his mind or does he? Joined by terrible audio guy Brother James w…

We got confused over the bank holiday weekend but we are back bringing you a slice of fried 80's gold with Star Slammer. The story of a woman sent to a spaceship prison for putting a mans hand in jam after he exploded a wizard and pinned it on her. There is all the usual nonsense you have come to expect as well as Non-Union Sandpeople, the worst ca…

Come join us in our St Patricks day special as we lead you by the hand through 2024s Irish Wish starring The Lohan and Jane Seymour. The simple tale of an unrequited love, a lakeside menace and one cool knee to the groin. We are joined by Monorants again who tell us everything we need to know about Irish fast travel , the saints that made us and mo…

Its another sequel but its not intentional, the follow up to Bronx Warrior leads us down a filthy path of bad genocides, really familiar actors and obscene motorbike abuse. Come listen to the tail of Trash, that Joey Ramone looking guy as he fights the man, himself, his parents and several planks of wood.…

Back on the sweet sweet Hallmark trail, this week we bring you the 2020 classic Nature of Love, the simple tale of a daft lass and rugged man. Plus so many Simpsons jokes its not even cool anymore. You will hear all about Kiss Chase the Camp Butler, A.I. bear attacks, horrible big salads, Welsh rapping and Mr Stevens the lake pike. This weeks synop…

We got a twofer in this episode with our first ever sequel and first ever returning guests, the lovely folks from Monorants as we take you through the Kevin Sorbo vehicle Tales of the Ancient Kingdom which is a sequel to The Sword and the Sorcerer. You will find out about overuse of flashbacks, cardboard cities, forbidden sexual practices, cloak pa…

The gangs all back together for our first Hallmark film of the year, the 2015 classic "Hello, It's Me". The simple story of a woman who's husband is lost at sea and still gets great cellphone reception. Also features annoying kids, the worst superhero ever and that fella that looks like a melted Steth Mcfarlane.…

As a little break before we plough back into the fetid quagmire of our usual subject matter, we decided as per the tradition to have a small break and play James' Quiz of the Year which relies on us being able to remember things about the films we have reviewed this year. It goes about as well as you would expect really (that is, James tries his be…

As a Christmas treat to ourselves we decided to cover a film that should be terrible but is surprisingly great with 2023s Its a Wonderful Knife. Its not just a terrible pun! We would also like to say thank you to everyone who has listened, shared or helped us out in any way this year. It's been tough but we made it to the end. We also know that Chr…

We are heading into Christmas season and with that in mind we bring you the 2013 classic "Mr Scrooge to See You" starring David Ruprecht as some kind of Scrooge who has to go into the future to stop Bob Cratchits offspring from being a Neo-Miser or something. Its very long and nothing happens for a lot of it. You'll hear all about Zammo's calculato…

Look at this! An almost proper film. Some might say that we have lost our way somewhat but those people would be liars who deserve to be swung about by a Mahar captain. We are of course talking about the 1976 classic At the Earth's Core starring Doug "Doug" McClure and Peter "Whoopee" Cushing in a tale about blokes drilling erm.. to the earths core…

As we wend our way deep into autumn (or fall if you are like that) we bring to you 2013s The Thanksgiving house, the simple story or a law lady who inherits a house with a mysterious secret. No not like murder or anything, a nice secret. You will hear all about correct knotweed removal, core samples, the worst post office ever, BLOGS!, so much stea…

Running headlong into the spookiest of weeks we present to you 2014's WolfCop which is as dumb as it sounds. The story of a Canadian cop who for reasons is turned into a werewolf and yeah, I don't know either. You'll hear all about donuts, bad druids, Marc Bolan, correct egg preparation and many other things in a film that should not be.…

Robin Hood: Beyond Sherwood Forest We may have been away for a little while but we are back now, to take you through the most accurate Robin Hood film since that one with the snake voiced by Terry Thomas. and that had a talking snake. You'll hear all about poor arrow technique, the songs of Space Sting, James suffering from a malady and Mark defend…

We are joined this week by a familiar voice to take you through the 2020 classic Palm Springs starring Jake Peralta and that angry guy from the Spiderman films. Yeah, we know its not a Hallmark film but we think we have earned this as a treat. As usual its the normal mix of time travel, confusion and wondering what is it that makes a name.…

We are back dipping our toe into the world of '80s sword and sorcery this week with the classic Deathstalker. A film about a man who...stalks death? Not in a creepy 'stealing your underpants' type way but a scary stabbing way. You'll hear all about reusable wax heads, the perils of jogging, houses made of wigs, strange boy-men, how to walk about bo…

Its Joes birthday week and hes very very tired. So please enjoy this yeah?By Joseph Higgens

This week we take you through the 2017 film Land Shark starring people who have never done acting before, a man who has never done special effects before and some of the best free music a scoundrel can steal. You'll hear all about correct shark maintenance, the infernal beep machine, hoovers and the best quiz you will ever hear about our terrifying…

The Higgens fam are back after illness, dogs and just a general sense of ennui to bring you the hottest film of 2021 starring Rhiannon Fish, the classic For the Love of Choclate. Imagine that other film we did a while back about bathbombs yeah. Its that but with chocolate. I don't kno what to tell you really. Sorry?…

We finish our Half-Christmas special with the heart-warming classic Alone for Christmas or Bone Alone as its also known. The simple story of Home Alone but with talking dogs in it. None of them do a funky rap either which is a missed opportunity if you ask me. You will find out about, Toy Story Kart Racing, the most highbrow joke we've ever made, t…

The end is in sight as we lurch towards the end of Half Chistmas with the 2013 classic Christmas Bounty starring The Miz out of wrestling and some other people. You will hear all about Nativity based smugness, dubious wrestling knowledge, Tory party rage, Joes takeaway order, chocolate based jokes for no one and a whole lot of Christmas innuendo. M…

Its hotter then a vindaloo eating contest near the mouth of an active volcano but we plough on foolishly with this weeks Junemas offering, Journey Back to Christmas from 2016. The story of a nurse hurled through time in her special "Time-Shed" to find out what the real meaning of Christmas is or something. Honestly folks, it was so warm that our he…

Rolling merrily into Junemas, Joe and Mark take you through the 2006 remake of Black Xmas, a Christmas horror film starring our favourite Lacey Chabert as girl 3 and Buffys sister as girl 5. They may have names, we didn't bother to find out. You'll hear all about Cilla Blacks Comeback Special, fake southerners, Chekhovs Unicorn, fake ovens, polypho…

With Junemas being upon us once again, we here at Hallmark of Greatness want to take your hand and lead you through a Winter Wonderland. And with that in mind we present the 2021 classic A Christmas to Savour starring Britt Irvins fringe and a sans glasses Zach Roerig. Its a classic Christmas story, like Scrooge but instead of being a mean spirited…

We joined this week by lovely Tom to ponder the question If you were a bad-ass renegade out for revenge, what would your animal companion of choice be? In this weeks episode, the 1990 classic The Final Alliance we find out the David Hasselhoffs would be a cougar, that does nothing! We also find out about the worst karate ever, so much about motorbi…

After another brief break we are back with the stone cold 2022 classic Love Afloat. Yeah, me neither. Its the age old tale of a woman, a man, a boat and a big pan of fish. Honestly I have no idea, I watched it three times and fell asleep each time so some of the review may not 100% accurate. We will try and do better I promise…

Hold on to your CB radio and neck that bottle of bennies as we smash headlong into the 1996 classic "Space Truckers" starring Dennis Hopper, Norm (again) and Poochie in a tale that is as insane as it is powerful. You will learn all about how you can take short cuts in space, hotdog etiquette, robot dongs, the sad death of Quedge, geometric porcines…

A two man booth this week takes you through the 2022 classic A Slice of Chicago Romance, which is supposed to be like Romeo and Juliet but if Shakespeare was kicked in the head by a horse that was also simple. You will hear about the worst kind of pizza ever, balloon hilarity, the return of Tony Meatballs and more unlocked memories from the Higgens…

A hot steaming slice of Italian exploitation for you this week in the form of 1982's 1990: Bronx Warriors, a film so insane no man can fathom what the hell is happening. You'll hear all about the worst gang to be in, the peril of holes, how to spot a peg leg at a distance, why you should never canoodle in a stairwell and we ask the question "how mu…

The Power Triangle is back as we take you through the 1984 classic Dreamscape starring Dennis Quaid, Captain Von Trapp and Cory 'Bumper' Yothers in a movie about dream manipulation, sexy trains and the obligatory dirt bike chase. You'll also find out about Joes dream job, the worst dream ever, a delicious sandwich, some hot sax action and the peril…

This week we are joined by John from Dammit Vince to take you through the 2021 classic Love, Bubbles, and Crystal Cove. Its about bath bombs, bad dads and bartering. You will learn all about how Joe washes his hair, Johns willingness to explode all bathtubs, how much smell is too much smell, the only occupations that require waistcoats and Bernis i…

With Mark on his holidays we decided to comb the internet for the very best guests to come on and give us their take on the 1982 classic The Sword and The Sorcerer and luckily Mono and Ciara from Monrants: The Boys and that were available to do just that. You will hear all about THE ONE LAND, oily buttock massages, the murder of Grampa Joe, Bucketh…

In another shake up, we are joined by James to discuss the 2021 dating app classic Love Map. It's the classic story of an app inventing woman who must go to Florida to write about romantic outcroppings or something. You will hear all about upskirt perversions, aggressive sandwich vendors, Handsome Ian & The Murder Quarry, pie you shouldn't eat, zen…

"Frankly my dear, I don't riverdance" This week we take you through the rip roaring excitement of Michael Flatley smash hit Blackbird. Imagine if you can, James Bond crossed with Michael Scarn and then a big dollop of Death in Paradise. You will hear all about Flatleys hat obsession, the perils of nets, having ravioli for supper, BOAT CRIMES, secre…

This week we lead you through the lava strewn streets of the 2017 made for TV classic Global Meltdown starring non union Pierce Bronhomme and an annoying child in a disaster film that is literally a disaster. You'll hear all about the Arrow Boyz, the protective power of cushions, too many Only Fools & Horses jokes, what not to store in barrels and …

This episode was previously released in 2021 but due to ghost or whatever it was deleted from the server. This week Joe, Berni and James take you through the best film ever made, Irelands only Kung-Fu movie 1998's Fatal Deviation starring/written/produced/catering by James "Jimmy" Bennett. We find out how Irish locksmiths work, the perils of workin…

For some reason we are still doing time travel and this week we present to you the 2021 classic Our Dream Wedding starring Rachel Hendrix and a man made of wet cardboard. Listen to hear all about Lancashire uncles, the benefits of tripe, the legality of kicking children and why this would be 100% better with Dean Stockwell in it. Follow us on Twitt…

Its a brand new year and we are back with the same old nonsense. This week we take you though Pete Davidsons first ever movie, the 2014 classic School Dance with that little lad out of Role Models as well. You will hear all about rapping grannies, powerful grape juice, naked cowboys and the fact that Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite is in this for some…

We are back with a bang after the festive break with an in depth review of the 2022 classic Meet Cute starring Kaley Cuoco and Peter Davidson (not that one) in a story of time travel, love and Indian food. Listen to fin out about what childhood tastes like, fun old man music jokes and the ethical dilemma of doing a sex with yourself in the past. Fo…

The festive season is truly upon on and in a kind of multiverse way that the kids like nowadays we have allowed the HoG regular hosts to meet with the grotty below stairs Last Orders boyz for a battle of wits, cunning and memory. It goes about as well as you'd expect. But its a good bit of fun and if you have listened to all the episodes you should…

The Last Orders boys have grown weary of Christmas joy and have decided to revert to what we know best, Steve Barkett films. More specifically the 1982 classic "The Aftermath" The heroic tale of one astronauts quest to defeat mutants and bad boys with only Dave Matthews and a child John Denver for help. Yeah, that is what happens. You'll hear all a…

The special day grows closer and to prepare for the return of our lord Santa we humbly present 2022's Christmas with You starring Aimee Garcia and your boy Freddie Prinze Jr in a suprisingly fun Netflix romp. You'll hear about our lettuce themed restaurant, which google appliance is trying to murder us, the joys of yellow soup and how stinky do tro…

Something different this week as we take you the the 2014 classic "Secret Past" aka A Christmas mystery starring Esme Bianco and Ryan Bittle as a journalist and a man who must work together to find out who has been sending cards to a dead mum. Its as dumb as that. Also John Ratzenberger is sort of in it. You'll find out about early digital cameras,…

We are ploughing through Christmas season now and this weeks episode, the stone cold 2015 classic "Merry Kissmas" only makes it better. Starring Karissa Lee Staples and Brant Daugherty as a woman and a man who fall in love due to the mystical powers of an elevator. You will learn all about nutcrackers, our own preferred recipes for dog biscuits, wh…

Wow. This is a doozy. Come with us as we discover what makes the best omelette, how to be a successful RoofCop and less David Caradine wanking jokes then you’d expect.By Joseph Higgens