Best Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW Podcasts (2024)

1
Repair 1:09:44

11d ago1:09:44

1:09:44

Jerry & Kristy take an extended look at the process of repair. Frequently misunderstood as a "moment" it is actually a relational project that requires vulnerability, bravery and follow-through. Specific applications of the process of repair to four different fight-scenarios are illustrated.By Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW

1
Money 43:55

29d ago43:55

43:55

Couples usually stumble over this ever-present elephant-in-the-room; what if you have different backgrounds, expectations and habits when it comes to personal finances? What are the implications for the two of you as a couple? How do you even begin to talk about it? Jerry and Kristy ponder this out loud, with numerous common examples of disconnect.…

1
Patriarchy In Our Relationships 42:01

2M ago42:01

42:01

Jerry and Kristy consider the thorny impact of worldwide patriarchy on the way we function in our relationships. Alternative models are considered, as well as an understanding of how the status-quo we were born into results in a bad deal for both men and women.By Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW

1
Everything Breaks; Most Gets Fixed 32:52

3M ago32:52

32:52

You know the feeling when you just want to throw things away? When one too many things have occurred and you would just love to get rid of things (or your partner?) instead of working to fix them? Jerry ponders the convergence of a number of mechanical breakdowns that came his way as Kristy puts it in context of the ever-present challenge of relati…

1
Ego 46:53

3M ago46:53

46:53

What role does our ego play in helping, or hindering, connection with our partner? Kristy & Jerry unpack some of this together. Jerry reports some about his travel to Southern India and how long it took him to finally unpack after returning.By Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW

1
What If Your Partner Doesn't Want To Do "The Work"? 37:31

4M ago37:31

37:31

It's more rare than we would like that both partners in a couple approach "the work" of behavioral change with the same intensity, at the same rate, and in the same way. What happens if one person is much more enthusiastic about "doing the work" than the other partner? Kristy and Jerry consider this in today's episode.…

1
I Am DONE!!! 36:40

5M ago36:40

36:40

Memorable, highly-charged words and phrases are frequently heard in couples' therapists' offices. What they mean -- how they are understood between people who claim to love each other -- is often highly debatable and unclear. Jerry and Kristy try to translate some meanings in today's episode.By Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW

1
The Selfishness of Addiction 39:46

5M ago39:46

39:46

An addict's path to recovery necessarily involves making amends and becoming more relational to the people around you whom you've wounded. But often people get caught at the "dry-drunk" phase, don't do the relational work (despite 12-step groups' encouragement to do so) and the very process of recovery can attain a familiarly selfish flavor. Jerry …

1
The Challenge of Blended Families 37:44

5M ago37:44

37:44

It's not always The Brady Bunch. In fact, it almost never is. Kristy and Jerry explore some of the dynamics at work for members of blended families and try to "right-size" expectations to maximize opportunities for natural connections.By Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW

1
The Holidays 43:14

7M ago43:14

43:14

Ahhhh...The Holidays. They are already here, and we are already scrambling to try to extract the maximum amount of family happiness and connection from situations that can also offer confusion, old, unresolved situations, things-out-of-left-field, financial stress, arguments and large amounts of stress or depression. Still, it is possible to put to…

1
Gratitude 46:01

7M ago46:01

46:01

Jerry and Kristy express their gratitude for the people, places and things in their lives, with a particular focus on their respective relationships. Being able to extract, and express, gratitude for that hard things that are learned as part of the growth-edge that relationships bring is the Advanced Class. Our best efforts are required, and are re…

1
Trauma & Your Relationship 50:02

8M ago50:02

50:02

Whether it is childhood trauma(s), the effects of societal prejudices, discrimination and stigmatizing or more recent adult losses of a traumatic nature, the ripple effects of trauma is shared with our partner in relationships. Kristy and Jerry ponder the wide-ranging effects of this in presenting challenges to intimacy in relationships. And we end…

1
Am I Crazy? 49:44

8M ago49:44

49:44

Do you ever feel strongly at emotional odds with most things around you? And then whether or not you are off-your-rocker and possibly The Problem because of being crazy? Just....different from others, in a major way? You aren't alone at all. Being overwhelmed by feelings -- and not feeling like they are seen and valued by those closest to you -- is…

1
Religious Upbringings 48:44

9M ago48:44

48:44

Our religious upbringings -- or non-religious upbringings -- can have implications and repercussions for our later intimate relationships, the likes of which we likely hadn't considered. Jerry & Kristy discuss.By Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW

1
Rewriting (Relationship) History 42:13

9M ago42:13

42:13

Kristy & Jerry consider what happens when we, for one reason or another, remember only certain aspects of our most important relationships. We deny, or ignore, important things at a cost; recovery of all the layers of a relationship may be painful, but worth it.By Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW

1
Birthdays & Anniversaries 38:51

10M ago38:51

38:51

What's it like for you to be in a couple and to celebrate these special occasions? Or...not? What happens, for the couple, when these days roll around and either are celebrated, ignored or recognized in a less-than-satisfying way? Jerry and Kristy contemplate these things and more.By Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW

1
The Fine Line Between Letting Things Go & Enabling 52:32

11M ago52:32

52:32

Kristy and Jerry untangle the thorny areas in which personal boundaries seem to be challenged by our partner's desire to control us, when -- in fact -- it is often about emotional needs we can all relate to it. The seed for solutions lay in a relational approach, neither in confrontation nor denial.By Kristy Gaisford, LCSW & Jerry Sander, LCSW

1
Having a Baby 49:06

11M ago49:06

49:06

Adding an additional person to your household offers unique challenges and rewards for a couple, but undeniably is one of the most profound relationship shifts you'll undergo in your lives together. Kristy and Jerry ponder some of these effects and speak out loud about things that too often not spoken about because....well, because it's not so easy…

1
Just How Much Intimacy Do I Really Want? 45:51

12M ago45:51

45:51

Jerry and Kristy wrestle with the reality that every couple has different levels of desire when it comes to ongoing closeness and intimacy. Like so many other markers of social and emotional health, intimacy might be best viewed on a continuum.By Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW

1
Blinded By My Hurt 44:07

12M ago44:07

44:07

We all know THOSE kind of arguments; when one of us just will not give in, because giving in means giving up and conceding defeat in what feels like a life-and-death battle. But when we consider it at a safe distance, well...what is really going on? And how could these things be handled better? Jerry and Kristy consider this, give some advice, and …

1
Being Happy When Your Partner Isn't 42:58

1y ago42:58

42:58

Kristy and Jerry consider the awkward dynamics that can ensue when partners aren't aligned in their levels of happiness or sadness on any given day, week or month. What, exactly, is your level of "responsibility" and what isn't? How can this be approached with kindness and sensitivity?By Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW

1
Getting Your Self-Esteem From Social Media 43:53

1y ago43:53

43:53

Jerry & Kristy consider what happens when the primary source of our self-esteem comes from our social media applications. What are the implications for our relationships?By Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW

1
Cancelling Toxic Relationships (And Aren't We All A Little Toxic?) 44:32

1y ago44:32

44:32

Kristy and Jerry consider the phenomena of "cancellation" as a reactive move; when is it exactly the right thing, and when is it exactly the wrong thing? How does fast-easy cancellation, "ghosting," etc. work against our developing abilities to be relational?By Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW

1
All (S)He Wants Is Sex 46:21

1y ago46:21

46:21

A frequently heard complaint in couples' sessions is deconstructed and discussed. Are there any bad people here, or are two people seeking to be seen and valued in different ways when there is an obvious disconnect re: sexual needs? What are the ways to meet in a mutually appreciated way, where boundaries are respected AND needs are acknowledged? A…

1
Does Your Attachment Style Sabotage You? 38:33

1y ago38:33

38:33

Kristy and Jerry discuss lasting styles of attachment and the difficulties these can pose for our partners. (And ourselves!) And...it somehow all makes sense. Can this be worked on with health in a relationship and result in improvements? Absolutely, yes. Can you change your partner's fundamental attachment style??? Well, now....time for some humil…

1
Home Is Where We Fall Apart 36:06

1y ago36:06

36:06

The intimate connections offered by our home life can go either way: towards snippy, isolated/isolating, defensive interactions or towards ever-greater connectedness and satisfactions. Jerry and Kristy consider this, in action, and conclude with a fight (done both from a less-mature point of view AND a wise-adult stance).…

1
Do Words Even Matter? 47:37

1+ y ago47:37

47:37

Jerry & Kristy consider the dual nature of words, as they are used in relationships. On the one hand they matter very much -- as they can be source of great pain or comfort. On the other hand some of the most profound moments of your relationship have very little with words. As with most tools humans use to connect or disconnect with each other, it…

1
Catastrophizing 44:09

1+ y ago44:09

44:09

The fine (self-defeating) art of making small disappointments, disagreements and conflicts into major demonstrations of disastrous proportions is discussed by Kristy and Jerry. Alternatives are considered. We also -- finally -- resume our end-of-podcast fights, illustrating better ways of handling disappointments than couples often reach for. This …

1
Body Image & Your Relationship 38:38

1+ y ago38:38

38:38

Jerry and Kristy explore the shaping of our self-esteem -- and the impact on later relationships -- that occurs related to our own body image issues. The impact of early family influences, societal messaging, the internet and advertising on internalized shame and doubt is profound, and shapes what we bring into our relationship with a similarly ins…

1
Relationship Reckoning 48:10

1+ y ago48:10

48:10

How can you go about figuring if a relationship is really over? Whether you'd be happier without it? Kristy and Jerry discuss the intricacies of deciding when separating and ending a relationship is the right thing to do. Alternately: how can you come to peace with things that annoy you in your partner that just never seem to change?…

1
When Your Partner Leaves 46:48

1+ y ago46:48

46:48

Jerry and Kristy consider all the variations in "leaving" and the repercussions for the relationship. Healthy alternatives for taking space are considered. As usual, we have a fight at the end and show a better way of doing that.By Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW

1
Faith Transitions 40:24

1+ y ago40:24

40:24

Kristy and Jerry discuss the challenges and opportunities that exist when one member of a couple goes through changes about their religious beliefs (and practices). Does it always have to be a deal-breaker of epic proportions for the couple? And...what about any children who may be watching?By Kristy Gaisford, Jerry Sander

1
Self Esteem: A Deep Dive 48:03

1+ y ago48:03

48:03

Kristy and Jerry take a deeper look at how self-esteem (yours!) remains at the core of a relationship's chances for success. The futility of trying to change your partner while not feeling good enough about yourself (or even knowing your own needs) is discussed, with special attention paid to each of the four quadrants conceptualized by Terry Real …

1
Is Your Partner a Narcissist? 43:55

1+ y ago43:55

43:55

Is your partner a narcissist? And what are the implications if the answer is "Yes"? Is this term over-used, or under-recognized? What possibilities realistically exist for someone who is in a relationship with a narcissist? Jerry and Kristy wrestle with this in today's episode.By Kristy Gaisford, Jerry Sander

1
Biting The Bullet 40:29

1+ y ago40:29

40:29

You know the feeling; that moment when your spouse asks you to do something that you absolutely, honestly DON'T want to do. But they enjoy it. What do you do? Radical honesty in the direction of "taking care of myself"? Or....aren't there just times where you have to "bite the bullet" and "take one for the team"? And how is this different from co-d…

1
After The Affair 49:20

1+ y ago49:20

49:20

What happens, for a couple, after one partner has had an affair and it is now out in the open? What are the best things you can do (and the worst ones)? How long is the healing process? Is it really true that going through this together can lead to a closer relationship that existed previously? Jerry and Kristy consider it.…

1
Breadwinning 49:23

1+ y ago49:23

49:23

Talking about money -- and how it affects your relationship -- is one of the hardest things for a couple to do. Without even knowing that we are responding to our family of origin's stories and values we often develop resentments and major barriers to intimacy with our partners and don't know how to begin talking about it. Jerry and Kristy try to u…

1
When I Need You The Most, You Disappear 47:42

1+ y ago47:42

47:42

Kristy and Jerry explore some of the most challenging types of disconnected moments between couples. How comfortable are men with crying, or big expressions of emotion? Do men run and duck, looking for cover, abandoning spouses, emotionally, just when their connected presence is needed the most? How can this cycle be broken?…

1
Me Versus Us 44:13

1+ y ago44:13

44:13

We all want time to ourselves. But what about when that seems to conflict directly with connecting relationally to the significant others around us? What then??? Are there ways of maintaining healthy connections while giving ourselves what we need solo? Jerry and Kristy consider this.By Jerry Sander, Kristy Gaisford

1
When Politics Rips Couples Apart 43:23

2y ago43:23

43:23

Jerry & Kristy discuss the growing trend of angry politics ripping couples apart and testing their relationships as the media around them continue to provoke people to ever-rising levels of division. Alternatives are considered.By Jerry Sander, Kristy Gaisford

1
The One Thing... 42:46

2y ago42:46

42:46

Jerry & Kristy ponder the ONE THING we'd love you to MOST GET in the realm of couples' therapy. And -- in preparation for a few weeks off at the end of August -- we have two excellent fake fights and demonstrate how things could be handled differently. Let us know what you'd like to hear us cover, as topics, in our 2nd season, which begins in Septe…

1
What (Some) Women Say in Therapy 43:23

2y ago43:23

43:23

In our follow-up episode Kristy and Jerry consider what we often here from women in sessions regarding being in a couple/marriage/parenting arrangement. We conclude with a seemingly spontaneous -- and annoying -- fight, showing how alternative ways of expressing/reacting get you better results.By Jerry Sander, Kristy Gaisford

1
What (Some) Men Say In Therapy 44:05

2y ago44:05

44:05

What do (some) men sound like in therapy, to a couples' therapist? What are their initial presenting complaints? Can generalizations safely be made, after hearing the same themes repeated over and over again? Jerry & Kristy compare notes, and try to draw some positive momentum from it. We also offer a sample couples' relationship fight, with it rew…

1
The Allure of Other People 38:13

2y ago38:13

38:13

Ahhhh...the gentle (or powerful) allure of Other People. They're just....perfect. Aren't they? Wouldn't life be perfect with them? Jerry and Kristy consider the challenges, and illusions, the flashing attraction to others might bring.By Jerry Sander, Kristy Gaisford

1
Codependent Sex 40:13

2y ago40:13

40:13

Jerry & Kristy tackle the thorny topic of the intersection of sexual behaviors in relationships as they may reflect basic patterns of codependency. The importance of self-esteem, boundaries and other basics often get lost in the mix when another person's varied needs come into play. Strategies for achieving a sexual reset that offers mutual satisfa…

1
Fight, Fix, or Flee? 46:19

2y ago46:19

46:19

Kristy and Jerry look at 3 of the typical reactions to conflicts within relationships and wrestle with understanding the limitations of all of them. Can there be a different way? What does that look like and sound like?By Kristy Gaisford, Jerry Sander

1
Why Do I Keep Throwing Gasoline on the Fire? 45:08

2+ y ago45:08

45:08

Kristy & Jerry look at some ways that our failures to self-soothe and regulate our emotions impact relationships negatively. We illustrate with some tried-and-true roads to failure and then correct them, illustrating how differently it can be handled.By Kristy Gaisford, Jerry Sander

1
Porn & Relationships 37:15

2+ y ago37:15

37:15

Is viewing porn good for your relationship? Your sex-lives together? How do couples actually integrate it into their relational lives? Or do they not do that at all? Is there a serious downside to viewing porn? Or are the effects fairly benign? Are there certain realms, even in relationships, that are, or should be, for just you? Can any of this en…

1
Sex 45:20

2+ y ago45:20

45:20

Kristy & Jerry take on the wonderfully volatile, rewarding and challenging topic of sex within relationships. What does sex, in relationships, bring up for us? How do we reconcile our own desires, or lack of desire, for, and with, our partner? And just exactly how good could it be? What would happen if we talked about these things outloud?…

1
What Is A Healthy Relationship Anyway? 47:29

2+ y ago47:29

47:29

Join Jerry and Kristy for the vivid experience of our first fight, with a great deal of perspective, laughter and alternative ways of handling things within a relationship identified.By Jerry Sander/Kristy Gaisford

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Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW Podcasts

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