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Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through a chunkerino of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they're the fun kind of dumb, and that's what counts.
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Tactics Ogre: Reborn Part 2 - That's The Ronwey
1:31:59
1:31:59
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Square Roots - Episode 428 Are you ready for a sublime experience of RPG tactics? What I got for you this week is a quick li'l episode of the Square classic Tactics Ogre, and you don't have to practice Santeria to understand that this means Vanessa had to call in sick. But that's okay! Also: - New Thing Matt Hates: Steam Charts - The DreamCast: Imp…
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Tactics Ogre: Reborn Part 1 - The Ryan Stiles Tour of Vancouver
2:05:10
2:05:10
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Square Roots - Episode 427 Welcome to this In-Ogre-Al episde of our Tactics Ogre playthrough! You can play Reborn! You can play the PlayStation 1 one! You can play the PSP one! Whatever you want, it's all about various ethnic groups at war. You know it's an Alexander O. Smith translation with all the "neh"s and manses, so get ready for some great b…
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Quantum Break Part 4 - The DreamCast
2:18:49
2:18:49
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Quantum Break Part 4 - The DreamCast Square Roots - Episode 426 It's TIME to wrap up this TIME TALE. We push through the finale of this game with focus and vigor, like a time train smashing through a time building. But beware the time monster! It's obviously coming, and surely this is going to be a fight for the ages. You definitely are going to fi…
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Quantum Break Part 3 - All The Ponies Are Made of Butter
1:57:07
1:57:07
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Square Roots - Episode 425 On this temporal episode of Square Roots, we explore the conclusion of the Time Knife. It's so long. So, so long. Does SLOBBO die? Does anyone peel off a mask? Whose baby is that, anyway? All this and so much more on tonight's episode of Night Springs. Also: - Matt Is A Blue Mage Now - UFC Surgical Tubing Strangle Attack …
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Quantum Break Part 2 - NO LANGOLIERS TALK
2:14:59
2:14:59
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Square Roots - Episode 424 It's a time mix-up game! On this episode of Square Roots we play through Act 2 of Quantum Break, which involves a lot of time ships, time jumps, time shields, time soldiers and time knives. And a severe bob. Just a heads up we misgender Ezra Miller a few times - we'll make sure to be more cognizant of this going forward. …
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Quantum Break Part 1 - Gandalf has a HUGE ASS
2:17:41
2:17:41
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Square Roots - Episode 423 Please note Johnny misread the number of episodes on his Amazon Prime Video app, and was wrong. Very wrong. You don't need to tell Johnny he was wrong. There are 9 episodes to the 2020 The Stand miniseries. Not 6. Each host has, in turn, told Johnny he was wrong after recording and that's terrible. Alright! It's time to b…
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Fallout 3 Part 5 - Biwwy's Waser Wifle
2:12:59
2:12:59
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Square Roots - Episode 422 On this episode of Square Roots we listen to a few more of Sticky's stories in the divisive Fallout 3. Oh yeah, we also finish the game! And there's a robot that sounds like Optimus Prime! And we deal with the problems haunting our Vault! And maybe talk an Ant Lady out of being an Ant Lady and a Robot Man out of being a R…
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Square Roots - Episode 421 On this episode of Square Roots, we get to the ROOT of Harold's problem. You might say we cut to the HEART of the issue. And we RESCUE CHILDREN from a slavers camp, which isn't a pun but merely a factual thing that happens. Plus we hear a 100% Authentic Liam Neeson Death Rattle, and prove once and for all that the only th…
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Fallout 3 Part 3 - Gothroughmaze Square Roots - Episode 420 This time we're finally getting our Nic Cage on and STEALING THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE. Also maybe the Bill of Rights and Magna Carta (??). But this requires doing some odd jobs for a robot and keeping Alias's Sydney Bristow alive, which is harder than it sounds. Also: - She Got That…
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Square Roots - Episode 419 Oh boy, there's more Fallout 3! And this time we meet Three Dog, aroo aroo aroooooo! Then we go on a caper to get a radar dish off of a lunar lander. Plus we save a boy from some ants, probably. And meet some rangers! Also: - The Legend of Zelda: Mysteries of Magic - Johnny Mixes up CDI and 3D0 - They had to sit on the Go…
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Fallout 3 Part 1 - A Vanessa Curated Fallout 3 Experience
2:18:35
2:18:35
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Square Roots - Episode 418 So it's now time for a new game! Huzzah! And it's a Fallout! This time we venture to the Capitol Wasteland and everyone is excited to leave the vault and see the world outside. But also Johnny is a magician and Jim has discovered the joys of Andraste's command prompt. Also: - VR Chat Is For Furries - The World's Original …
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Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth Part 12 - You'll Sit In Your Room And Read Dealing With Dragons Until You're A Feminist
2:38:01
2:38:01
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Square Roots - Episode 417 It's the end of Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth and ALL OUR TAKES ARE SO HOT! Was this game good? Bad? Did it stick the landing? What the hell happened? Listen and find out! Also: - Love Yord Fandlar - Long Pants Get Real Hot - Chadley Is The Architect - Aerith Did A Sliders - A Pride Portal - The Shell Houses Were Iconic - Aerit…
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Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth Part 11 - Vanessa Has a Number She's Looking to Hit
2:36:10
2:36:10
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Square Roots - Episode 416 Either this chapter has a HUGE CHANGE THAT PUTS EVERYTHING INTO A BRAND NEW CONTEXT or it has A VERY MINOR CHANGE THAT DOESN'T REALLY CHANGE ANYTHING and depending on who you listen to you may feel it's one or the other. So what is it? You'll have to play through Chapter 13 to find out! Also: - Advent Children: Scotch and…
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Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth Part 10 - The Michael Emmerson VR Experience
2:32:25
2:32:25
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Square Roots - Episode 415 For once the game has some respect for you as you have to search for Dio and a stuffed robocat on this music-filled episode of Square Roots. Aerith drops her single, Jessie does interpretive dance, and Don Corneo's hype men bring early 90s bad TV commercial rapping realness. Also: - The Horse Heresy - Blah Blah Blah Versu…
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Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth Part 9 - Li'l Grape Nuts
2:28:08
2:28:08
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Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth Part 9 - Li'l Grape Nuts Square Roots - Episode 414 Teacher Jim's gone so it's party time on this episode of Square Roots! In this chunker of Final Fantasy VII we head to Nibelheim and find things a little less burnt than anticipated. Also: - - A Whole Lot of X-Men '97 Talk - Vanessa Is Too Lazy To Send 400,000 Emails - M…
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Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth Part 8 - Oh No Sweetie, You're Very Stupid
1:47:49
1:47:49
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Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth Part 8 - Oh No Sweetie, You're Very Stupid Square Roots - Episode 413 Oh boy! Another memorable chunk of Final Fantasy VII expanded, broadened, padded and filled in ways both good, great and kinda okay. Some of us don't like the birds. Some of us love the birds. Meanwhile, Aerith grabs the mic at a Planetology conference,…
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Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth Part 7 - TOP! THAT! TWINK!
2:03:28
2:03:28
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Square Roots - Episode 412 On this week's episode of Square Roots we explore the Gongaga region of Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth and have one serious question: Did Aerith go to school? She couldn't, right? Because she was in Hojo jail? Was she home schooled? Was she Hojome schooled? We've got the answers for you, so listen and find out! Also: - Yet Mo…
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Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth Part 6 - He Had A Megaphone, Like He's Mister Brightside
2:38:58
2:38:58
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Square Roots - Episode 411 It's Vanessa's favourite part of the game, and you can easily see why: there's dance battles! Flexing bears! Spooky ooky hotels! Pretend ghosts! Mass shootings! Even more minigames! With Vanessa as this game's hype-woman, how could it go wrong? Also: - Matthew Bad - Twink-Petitors - The Ultimate Cancellation - Galaxy Rang…
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Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth Part 5 - New Character Just Dropped
2:01:57
2:01:57
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Square Roots - Episode 410 If she only could, Yuffie'd make a deal with Cloud, and they would swap their places. She'd be running up that road, running up that hill, with no problems. Come on, Tifa. Come on, Aerith. Let her steal this materia from you now. But Cloud is too busy with a little headache from the green static of repressed memories to l…
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Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth Part 4 - Put Barret In A Speedo, You Cowards
2:44:41
2:44:41
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How do you feel about minigames? What about a whole chunker of minigames? Not interested? What if I told you it was a BEACH EPISODE! But a beach episode that only lets you pick out swimwear for three out of four of the humans in your party at the time. Yes, the plot is put on hold for a moment as we park Segways, go on a photo hunt, and play some D…
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Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth Part 3 - Matt's Funds Drive
2:33:04
2:33:04
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Square Roots - Episode 408 Shine, shine! It's bald time. Finally us bald folks can see ourselves represented on screen in this rhythm game packed chunker of Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth! Plus you can finally donate to a non-Patreon related Matt bank account for some reason and solve a challenging boat puzzle. Also: - Paid in Beefaroni - Bring me pict…
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Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth Part 2 - A Massive Tifa Moment
2:36:07
2:36:07
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Square Roots - Episode 407 Johnny's out so it's another All-American episode, full of America's favourite passtimes: ball punching! Very long X-Men tangents! Chadley! Boob punching? Also: - Midwest Emo - Wrench Cheeseburger - Who's Galactica's Mom? - More Like Pottycast - "I love living in Rocket Town!" Vs "Fuck Shinra!" - Chadley in a Wig This Wee…
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Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth Part 1 - Matt Wants This Episode To Be Called Sluttiroth
1:55:08
1:55:08
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Square Roots - Episode 406 Square Roots plays a totally new game! Okay, not TOTALLY new. Some of it is a quarter century old. But it's somewhat new! And it just came out! This is different! This is strange! Change is bad! But we're rolling with it. So we are playing Square Enix's Final Fantasy VII Rebirth, and get through the Nibelheim Incident in …
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Bayonetta Part 3 - A Pair of Dorks Square Roots - Episode 405 Johnny doxes everyone in this eventful episode of our Bayonetta playthrough! We finish the game. Questions are answered, except maybe the question "is Bayonetta her own mother?" as Matt refuses to listen to any answer other than "yes". Also finally Johnny is cancelled. Also: - More Like …
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Bayonetta Part 2 - We're Too Punk Rock For Ads
1:37:32
1:37:32
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Square Roots - Episode 404 The Bayonetta loving will continue until podcast output improves. In this glamorous episode of Bayonetta, we feel like f***ing celebrities as we're recognized by weird angel statue robots with Mystery Science Theatre tube arms. And Matt paraphrases an email! Also: - Solid Mike and Naked Mike - An Unpaid Ad for Canva - Not…
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