If there's ever a perfect time to unintentionally blast the podcast out of your car door for a random polygamist woman to hear... it's when Bryan is screaming about having to finger little kid buttholes. Let's talk about that, accidentally killing your fiancé's brother, getting trapped in your basement because you're old, what crazy shit would you …

Let us walk you through an alternative universe... where you are doing back-alley deals with local sperm banks in order to fill a bucket full of semen so you can clean your butthole. We'll explain. Let's talk about that, some crazy sh*t going down in a Sonic parking lot, accidentally buying tickets to see Alabama when you meant to go see Alabama, a…

It's hard to imagine surviving a fall from 100 feet, let alone surviving a fall from 650 feet into a volcano! Let's talk about that, a doctor that refuses to wear gloves while touching your junk, being locked into a gym membership for life, sticking your finger inside a mall Santa's butthole in order to make him talk, and more on today's episode of…

Remember that time you were sitting at home with your family and the robot vacuum started screaming racial slurs at everyone? It has happened. Let's talk about that, how annoying it would be to have to go bowling every single day, donating part of your liver to a complete stranger, your wife having sex with your brother, and more on today's episode…

Imagine finding something worth $100 million, not knowing what it's worth, then just putting it under your bed for a decade as you continue on with your boring life. Yikes. Let's talk about that, accidentally throwing away an art installation, finding your family pet 30 years after it went missing, how amazing it is that any of us get anywhere safe…

Have you ever been so high on mushrooms that you decided it was a good idea to cut your dick off with an axe? Let's talk about that, how many bugs we eat without knowing it, running a marathon with a goat, jerking off a silverback gorilla, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?! *** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra co…

A little piece of advice. When strolling through an animal sanctuary, please refrain from grabbing a chicken from its nest and chucking it into an alligator pit. Let's talk about that, old things that should never be updated, grinding your junk on your grandparents, unknowingly telling the world how much you love Justin Bieber's new haircut, and mo…

Imagine it's a beautiful Sunday morning... you're at your favorite local coffee shop, looking out the window, and thinking about the great day ahead. Then, a man with half his head missing, walks down the street in front of you. Normal. Let's talk about that, fighting a clone of yourself to the death, throwing baby puffins off cliffs, making over 2…

Sometimes it's not enough to simply jam a vegetable up your butthole. Sometimes you need to find a way to get a stranger's motor vehicle involved in the process. Let's talk about that, a kid accidentally breaking an ancient jar in a museum, saying some stupid shit while in bed, learning that talking about your "perfect crime" isn't a good idea, and…

What would your reaction be if you were a firefighter and after saving a kid that was stuck in a swing, someone snuck up and stole your Jaws of Life machine? Let's talk about that, why no one seems to think there are any rules outside of grocery stores, being a complete dickhead to complete strangers ALL THE TIME, reading a book to a classroom whil…

How pissed would you be if you spent MONTHS looking for your family member that the hospital told you checked herself out... only to later find out she was actually dead the entire time? Let's talk about that, getting completely covered in pee and poo, blanketing the planet with giant mirrors to make more daylight hours, accidentally handing out ca…

Have you ever watched Deadliest Catch? Have you ever watched Deadliest Catch with your girlfriend's dad? Have you ever watched Deadliest Catch with your girlfriend's dad while your penis is inside his daughter's butthole? Let's talk about that, smashing your way into a Mexican restaurant to steal booze, accidentally allowing your child to watch por…

If every time you climaxed someone relate to you magically appeared in your room, would you still masturbate? Let's talk about that, robot cars losing their goddamn minds, Joe getting a comb flapped against his forehead while getting a haircut, a badass little kid saving his family during a tornado storm, and more on today's episode of Can You Don'…

How much do you love fruit? What if fruit could talk and tell you cool little secrets? Would you spend the next year of your life listening to random fruit in hopes that you get some life changing secrets? Let's talk about that, vibrating to the winner's circle, using geometry that involves your dong to win the Olympics, smoking a cigarette while s…

If you came across a dead body that was recently struck by a train... and the leg was now free-range... would you take a bite of it? Let's talk about that, a new children's show that we should probably start making, trying to pet a cat that's always on fire, sucking seeds out of the butt, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?! *** Wanna bec…

We all gotta go someday... but if you were able to choose how you die I highly doubt it would involve chickens pecking food out of your mouth. Let's talk about that, going a little crazy over a bird trying to eat your daughter's French fries, getting a used diaper off Amazon, Bryan again bragging about how good he would be at sucking dong, and more…

There's nothing quite like taking the family out to dinner and the booth next to you is funneling margaritas into their assholes. Let's talk about that, trying to fly a kite at midnight in perfectly calm conditions, what the heck is with Montana and all their casino combo businesses, needing tokens from the government to watch porn, and more on tod…

Bryan wants to give Joe a rimjob. Joe definitely didn't write this episode description. Bryan can't read. Let's talk about that, splashing piss all over your girlfriend, getting so mad during online gaming that you pack a hammer and actually do something about it, Joe completely screwing up a jump off a bridge, and more on today's episode of Can Yo…

Can you imagine running out to warn others of an incoming storm... and then getting struck by lightning?! Let's talk about that, getting way too angry at youth sporting events, your coworker insisting on tickling you everyday, squirting an interesting concoction on women in order to talk to them, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?! *** W…

Would you like to round-up to 9 butters today? Don't worry... if that made sense to you before hearing today's episode, that would be extra concerning. Let's talk about that, licking random stranger's hands before every handshake, the ugliest goat you will ever see, dropping your phone while trying to put on a new screen protecter, and more on toda…

What's the most amount of money you have ever blown on a carnival game? Could you imagine that number being YOUR ENTIRE LIFE SAVINGS?! Let's talk about that, super neat facts about sex, an edible drone blowing your cover during war, having huge eyeballs the older you get, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?! *** Wanna become part of The G…

Have you ever hired someone to do some work around the house and it appears they cut every corner possible along the way? Let's talk about that, AirBnb renters literally taking your house from you, using lasers to scare off 12,000 geese, your windshield disappearing while you're driving down the freeway, and more on today's episode of Can you Don't…

Wowowowowowowowow! Come have some fun with us as we celebrate the two year anniversary of Can You Don't?! *** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyo…

No matter how old or wise we get, we are never safe from doing some idiotic shit. Let's talk about that, accidentally giving a millionaire a dollar thinking he was homeless, finding a gun while working at PetSmart, pissing off the HOA by painting a picture of your boat on your fence, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?! *** Wanna become p…

What would your response be if you caught some random dude fingering your car on your security camera? Let's talk about that, farting your pencil across the room, a wallet that runs away when you are spending too much money, Flavor Flav becoming the spokesperson for women's water polo, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?! *** Wanna become…

Joe's family was hit with some heartbreaking news this week... *** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast *** New Episodes every Wednesd…

WHAAAAAAAAAT?! 100 Episodes is an amazing milestone and we couldn't have done it without your support! As you would probably expect, this episode gets a little wild and completely off the rails. BUT, we had a blast taking a stroll down memory lane and for almost no reason at all decided to dress up in western wear. It's ok. No one cares. Huge and t…

Have you ever been proper bird watching? Are you currently a bird watcher? Did you know that it's officially called birding? Did you also know you can piss the entire birding community off by accidentally capturing a rare bird when you were actually just trying to photograph a waterfall in Oregon? Let's talk about that, sexually biting your lip at …

There's a lot of situations one wouldn't want to be in when an earthquake randomly hits... but being in the middle of getting a vasectomy seems pretty high up that list. Let's talk about that, listening to people orgasm for science, low qualifications for being put in charge of potentially saving people's lives, lying about being pregnant in order …

What did the guy who got his dong chopped off by his wife get for his birthday?! He was given an appointment to get all his toes chopped off too! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA! Let's talk about that, blowing your load in a birdhouse per your partner's request, passing out while washing your pants in the sink, Joe going on a HOT AIR BALLOON RIDE, and more on …

Bryan pooped in his bed. I know you are all extremely shocked to hear this news. Let's talk about that, almost breaking into the wrong house, grinding up and smoking human bones in order to get high, bringing a hat pom pom to the vet because you thought it was a dying animal, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?! *** Wanna become part of T…

Imagine two rival gangs facing off in an alley. The hatred they have for each other has been stewing for a little over 35 years and FINALLY... it's time to settle the score. Now, imagine that all the gang members are riding unicycles. Let's talk about that, whether or not flipping a coin is truly 50/50 odds, getting terrorized by random cows for ov…

Imagine bringing a newborn baby to a rave... and then getting upset when everyone else around you wasn't super supportive about you bringing a f*&$ING newborn baby to a rave. Let's talk about that, weird ass things you never knew about the human body, actually owing money after trying to get money for amputating your own legs, getting addicted to s…

Pro Tip: If the success of your murder plot pivots on having a large python eat one of your intended targets, you should probably rethink your entire murder plot. Let's talk about that, decking a mascot while on acid at a basketball game, happily filming content for your mom's OnlyFan's account, ordering a hot air balloon ride using Uber, and more …

Imagine being trapped in a warehouse with a bunch of murderous Stephen Hawkings going 15 mph. The sound of their evil laugh alone is enough to strike fear into the hearts of any man. Let's talk about that, police trying to interrogate a pigeon accused of spying, getting stabbed with a bundle of pens by stranger on an airplane, sledding dead bodies …

Have you ever been just driving down the road and decided to throw an entire bag of fast food trash out the window? WHO DOES THAT?! Let's talk about that, incriminating yourself with oddly specific google searches, where the hell St. Patrick's Day came from, bowling with your literal balls out, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?! *** Wan…

If you were sitting on a nearly million dollar insurance payout, would you venture out to your town's annual Christmas tree throwing contest in order to defend your title and risk getting publicly seen throwing a Goddamn Christmas tree? Let's talk about that, sucking spaghetti through a straw, one of the wildest renditions of a hotdog ever concocte…

Have you ever been so drunk that your friends ditch you at home so you decide to sit in the shower and end up flooding the entire house where 18 people are also staying? Let's talk about that, eating all your clothes, banging your husband's twin brother on the side for years, how many escalators are in the entire state of Wyoming, and more on today…

Have you ever been forced to pay for a service you never intended to get in the first place? Was that service giant balloon hats for you and your entire family? Let's talk about that, getting compacted in a garbage truck four times, being saved from your sinking car by a floating sauna, shoving your entire arm up a cow's ass and using it as a puppe…

What type of jobs could you realistically have if all your fingers were superglued together on each hand? Parade waver? Ice cream scooper? Dog poop picker-upper? Let's talk about that, parrots laughing at each other's potty mouth, trying to take a refrigerator that's holding your liver onto an airplane, duct tapping random fish to ATMs all over the…

Why isn't there a store on the planet where it's socially acceptable to just yell out the item you can't locate? Why must we wondering around until we see an employee in a nicely colored vest? Let's talk about that, chain smoking cigarettes while running a marathon, a disagreement in the family about posting family photos on social media, maybe the…

Did you know that we used to have mouse traps that were loaded with gunpowder and would literally blast mice in the face? Let's talk about that, sneaking crazy ass things into people's food just for funzzies, opening a shocker of a gift while on a Tinder date, Joe catching some dude beating off in the casino bathroom, and more on today's episode of…

If you were going on a swimming with sharks expedition and the guy giving you the safety briefing was missing a fair amount of limbs... would that change anything for you? Let's talk about that, Bryan flopping his dong around in his living room window, helping so many people track down their stolen bikes, getting stripped of your medals for pooping…

Can you imagine ordering an Uber and some dude named Jebadiah rolls up in a covered wagon, ready to take you and your friends downtown? Let's talk about that, setting up a living room scene around a massive pothole, extracting semen from your dead husband in order to have another baby, using an old overhead projector to communicate during sexy time…

Have you ever come across a bathroom attendant while out and about at a fancy bar or restaurant? Have you ever thought about how funny it would be if there was an attendant in a bathroom that didn't have any stalls? Let's talk about that, stealing pictures of food and claiming you made them on social media, the chances that we're all living in a si…

Does it drive you insane when someone doesn't finish common household tasks completely? Let's talk about that, not knowing that you had a pair of freakin' chopsticks jammed up in your brain, why do a lot of us hide the toilet paper in the bathroom, having to be breast fed by your mom for the rest of your life, and more on today's episode of Can You…

Remember that time you searched for 'dick sex' on PornHub? OF COURSE YOU DON'T! Let's talk about that, using an AI chatbot to catfish an old man out of a lot of money, screwing your ex in the bathroom at a party you invited your current boyfriend to, smashing yourself while moving your husband's motorcycle trying to be nice, and more on today's epi…

Have you ever been to a Christmas party that ended with everyone watching your boss plow his wife in front of everybody and vomit in your favorite guacamole bowl? Let's talk about that, hiding from the cops in a barn with a bunch of cows, wanting a lesser sentence for items you stole because they were on sale, how much money is really spent on Chri…

Here's the situation. Your car has just been stolen and it sucks. Added bummer... your child was inside that car. Triple dummer, Volkswagen won't track the car because you haven't signed up for their tracking service. Let's talk about that, pounding Hulk Hogan's spray tanned vajay, your husband refusing to park his big-ass truck outside the garage,…

Can you imagine standing in line at the airport, just trying to buy your morning coffee... when suddenly you get taken out from behind by an out of control motorized suitcase? Let's talk about that, coworkers that are WAY to sensitive, thinking your vageener made your husband gag when it was actually just the drugs you guys consumed, slamming your …