Take a deep breath in and enjoy the salty air of the beautiful cliffs and coast. What a wonderful spot to take the orphans for a weekend getaway! It’s also a great spot for Harry to learn the true meaning of the conditions to which he agreed to come on this adventure and for Dumbledore to prove that, despite his age, he’s a really strong swimme ...…

The creature in Harry’s chest may be gone, but the seeker is overhead as Harry, Ginny, and Harry’s Hungarian Horntail tattoo spend the last carefree weeks of the series together. Meanwhile, Hermione is unpleasantly intentional, Trelawney is cracking up, and Dumbledore is faced with a very unexpected dilemma. Please consider supporting us on Pat ...…

Two very special and long-awaited guests join Alice and Martha to celebrate Mother’s Day. Please consider supporting us on Patreon! www.patreon.com/realweirdsisters. Spoiler warning! Please be aware that our show contains spoilers for events which take place later in the series. Book club episodes are released every Monday and special topics sh ...…

This chapter includes one of Harry’s — sorry, “Roonil’s” — lowest points in the series, but also some very positive moments for other characters, such as the creature in Harry’s chest. It just goes to show that our actions don’t always have consequences! In addition to his choice of attack on Malfoy, Harry faces several moral dilemmas, includin ...…

Finally, with Slughorn’s original memory in hand, Dumbledore can tell Harry the truth. 100% of it! There’s nothing, absolutely nothing, that he’s keeping from Harry now. Alice and Martha debate the merits of censorship (and Alice seems suspiciously interested in learning more about exactly how to make a Horcrux) and the mathematics of splitting ...…

This podcast is covered in tear stains as we bid farewell to Aragog, king of arachnids. But before we get to that, there’s plenty of time to brew up something amusing, though hopefully not a curdled purple dumpling. And don’t worry, this episode is safe to listen to – we had a house elf test it for you (but please don’t tell SPEW). Please consi ...…

The boy so solid he cannot Apparate half an inch across a room takes advantage of some extra practice sessions in Hogsmeade, while Harry continues to obsess over Malfoy and a very pretty girl who is standing guard over the Room of Requirement. Most importantly, Alice and Martha discuss a very promising fan theory about Tonks’s true identity. Go ...…

Two new queens have entered the scene, and they come in the form of a melting iced cake and the oldest house elf in the world. In other words, we’d be glad to see anything Miss Hepzibah has to show us, and we’ve never been more in sympathy with SPEW. Get ready for some master manipulation this chapter, as Tom Riddle charms Zacharias’s great-gre ...…

Ron spends some time recovering in the hospital wing, avoiding Lavender, and leaning into his true feelings for Er-my-nee. Harry spends his time obsessing over Malfoy, avoiding Lavender (and Cormac), and jumping to conclusions about Sn-I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID THAT. And like McLaggen’s Bludger does with Harry’s head, worlds collide as Peeves, Dob ...…

Two real weirdos are back to talk about tales of elves — all 399 of them! That number is certainly significant, though not quite as significant as this chapter’s opening words: so, all in all. Wow. Brilliant. Really brilliant. You may be surprised by this week’s real weirdo and chapter ranking, but nothing is as surprising as the shock of findi ...…

No shortcuts or cheats are going to help Harry during the most challenging Potions lesson of the year so far, so he resorts to sheer cheek–oh, he is his mother’s son! The sixth years begin Apparition lessons, though Harry’s not really fussed; after all, he prefers brooms. Ron gets a seriously good haul for his birthday, but he also gets–as the ...…

Harry and the gang return to Hogwarts via the Floo Network, and are sure not to get any ash on the carpet. In the fallout of the Fat Lady’s overindulgence over the holidays, Alice and Martha finally figure out the true meaning behind some of Lupin’s most enigmatic words. And finally, Slughorn does a very convincing job of covering up his darkes ...…

It’s Christmas at the Burrow, and everyone is celebrating (except the poor garden gnome being held hostage on the top of the tree). The Weasley family listens to Celestina Warbeck’s marvelous tunes, with varying degrees of enthusiasm, and Harry takes the opportunity to catch up with his buddy Arthur and wise old Professor Lupin, whom we neither ...…

Slughorn’s Christmas party has everything we could ever ask for, from a real vampire (though sadly, it’s not Rufus Scrimgeour), to a Weird Sisters sighting. Harry spends the night dodging all his least favorite people, and the Queen Slug stoops to astonishing lows when she invites the King Slug to be her date. It’s a relatively short chapter, b ...…

Awkward teenage romance features heavily in this chapter, which clearly served as the main inspiration for the makers of the sixth movie. Ron’s insecurities both on and off the Quidditch pitch lead to some very unfair and frustrating interactions with Hermione (though it was pretty awful that she probably/might have/could plausibly have snogged ...…

In Dumbledore’s office, we dive deep into the Pensieve, a storytelling device that gets more and more convenient each week. Thankfully, Phineas is no longer there to give his commentary! We hear from old Caractacus Burke, see Jude Law drink gin, and even catch a glimpse of one (possibly two) components of the homicidal triad. But shhh, nobody k ...…

In this crossover episode, The Real Weird Sisters (Alice and Martha) are joined by special guest Amanda Frickle and Uncle Sam’s Sorting Hat to sort prominent U.S. presidents into Hogwarts houses. Be aware that the show contains spoilers from the Harry Potter series as well as a few political discussions. Please subscribe to our show! Book club ...…

It’s time for another Hogsmeade trip, but unfortunately for all of us, it’s just not as exciting as it used to be. Zonko’s is all boarded up, the weather is freezing, and Tonks/Eeyore is lurking on every corner. But, ooh, at least they have extra-large sugar quills! While “nothing” is in the back getting more firewhisky (and placing Imperius cu ...…

Harry has his first foray into Quidditch captaincy, and frankly, he’s never been more fanciable. During the keeper tryouts, Hermione is a bit dishonest – she is a prefect after all! And after threatening to break down his front door, the trio finally mends fences with Hagrid. Please consider supporting us on Patreon! www.patreon.com/realweirdsi ...…

The time is ripe for this chapter discussion, or at least, riper than it was for Humphrey Belcher’s cheese cauldron. Harry finds himself in Bob Ogden’s memory (though thankfully not in his outfit), Dumbledore is as enigmatic as ever about his hand injury, and Alice and Martha rediscover their true identities: the Half-Blood Pince and the Half-B ...…

Harry, Ron, and Hermione enjoy their first few days back in classes such as Runes and Defense, though they continue to feel guilty about dropping Care. Snape tries his hand at interior decorating, and Slughorn discovers that Harry has indeed inherited his mother’s talent for Potions. Alice and Martha are thrilled to discuss the titular chapter ...…

Does the Hogwarts Express have a conductor? Is Episkey or Tergeo more useful? Is Tonks’s new Patronus a wolf, a werewolf, or an Alfonso werewolf? And what is the difference between chocolate gateau and chocolate cake? Alice and Martha are back to answer the most important questions of the book thus far. Plus, Nearly Headless Nick digs for hot g ...…

The gang makes their way back to Hogwarts, though Harry may have to make a trip back to London first (no spoilers!). Romilda Vane makes her first appearance, Ron continues to practice out rude hand gestures, and The Slug Club assembles for the first time, at the invitation of Professor H.E.F Slughorn. Please consider supporting us on Patreon! w ...…

Alice and Martha find just about everything hilarious in this episode, from Arkie Philpott and the Probity Probe to the reappearance of Tom the Bartender. The trio, accompanied by baby Ginny and her parents, is met by security expert Hagrid, who (surprisingly!) fails to protect them from Draco’s sick burns. Fred and George rub their success and ...…

Harry arrives at the Burrow in the middle of the night, welcomed by Tonks, Mollywobbles, some very hot soup, and plenty of awkward tension. The next day is spent catching up with the Weasleys and Hermione–after all, there isn’t much to do at the Burrow, unless you like cooking and chickens! And finally, the trio receives their OWL owls, and Har ...…

As 2018 comes to a close, we are back to celebrate the holiday season Potter-style. Join us as we sort the characters of Home Alone with the Real Weird Husband / Brother-in-Law (@paulasleson), celebrate New Year’s Eve with a very silly assortment of couples and returning guest Shandy Lemperlé (@shandylemperle), and complete a goofy roll playing ...…

Harry and Dumbledore share a semi-awkward trip to the charming village of Budleigh Babberton, and a critical movie scene is tragically cut from the book. Horace Slughorn (who, contrary to popular belief, is actually NOT a giant Jabba-the-Hutt-like creature) makes his debut. Please consider supporting us on Patreon! www.patreon.com/realweirdsist ...…

In this crossover episode, The Real Weird Sisters (Alice and Martha) are joined by special guests Erin Mallory Long (@erinmallorylong), Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham), and the Sorting Turkey to sort the characters of Friends into Hogwarts houses. Be aware that the show contains spoilers from both Friends and the Harry Potter series. Please subscribe ...…

Dumbledore shows up at Privet Drive to troll the Dursleys and serve alcohol to minors. Harry, who enjoys the oak matured mead immensely, learns that he has inherited Grimmauld Place and, with it, Kreacher (luckily, Harry doesn’t have to keep him with him all the time, though). And before Dumbledore and Harry leave pursue that flighty temptress, ...…

“Cissy” and “Bella” turn up at Severus “Spinmaster” Snape’s super modern, well-kept home for light-hearted visit! This chapter is packed with layered foreshadowing and sick burns on Wormtail – what more could we ask for? Please consider supporting us on Patreon! www.patreon.com/realweirdsisters. Spoiler warning! Please be aware that our show co ...…

The Muggle Prime Minister finds himself at a loss for words as he learns why Herbert Chorley has been quacking, how the Brockdale Bridge really collapsed (it wasn’t rusted rigging or corroded expansion joints after all), and why Fudge has finally been sacked as Minister of Magic. A grim mood has gripped the country, and Alice and Martha can bar ...…

The Real Weird Sisters review the movie of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix with special guests Tim Ahlin (@shutuptim) and Mike Bloom (@AMikeBloomType). Please consider supporting us on Patreon! www.patreon.com/realweirdsisters Spoiler warning! Please be aware that our show contains spoilers for events which take place later in the ser ...…

SPOILER WARNING! DO NOT LISTEN UNTIL YOU HAVE WATCHED FANTASTIC BEASTS: THE CRIMES OF GRINDELWALD! Alice and Martha share their first impressions of the second installment in the Fantastic Beasts franchise. Please consider supporting us on Patreon! www.patreon.com/realweirdsisters. Book club episodes are released every Monday and special topics ...…

Come join Alice and Martha for a cup o’ dandelion juice as they wrap up their discussion of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Everyone but Harry is back in excellent spirits, thanks to Madam Pomfrey and the fact that none of them apparently cared too much about Sirius (shhhhhh, let’s not talk about him right now). Harry struggles with ...…

In this emotional chapter, Harry expresses his grief and anger while Dumbledore remains infuriatingly calm. And at long last, Dumbledore tells Harry everything. (Well, maybe not everything, but everything that he needs Harry to know at the moment.) Please consider supporting us on Patreon! www.patreon.com/realweirdsisters. Spoiler warning! Plea ...…

Voldemort has plenty of chances to exercise his high, cold laugh in this chapter, even though his Death Eaters really do prove to be a bunch of bumbling idiots. Martha and Alice get to the bottom of several slightly vague Ministry of Magic plot lines. And, as the chapter title suggests, Double Door and Voldemort finally go head-to-head in one o ...…

This chapter, we’re in for the biggest shock of the series so far – apparently, there’s a Death Eater named Jugson. That’s right. Jugson. Let that sink in a minute. In other news, Bellatrix makes her first appearance of the series, and, oh yeah, [SPOILER ALERT] Sirius steps just a little too far past the edge of the veil. Please consider suppor ...…

Ministry of Magic security protocols turn out to be alarmingly cavalier as Dumbledore’s Army begins its rescue mission. Not a soul is in sight as the group encounters the tank of brains, the Benjamin Button (well, not really Benjamin Button) Bell Jar, and the infamous veil for the first time. It’s not all fun and games, though, as the Departmen ...…

Finally, Umbridge gets her comeuppance as Hermy executes her “smart plan… really smart plan” and tries to use the centaurs to do her bidding. After a scuffle with Ronan, Bane, Magorian, and a “hard-faced gray centaur,” Harry’s impatience reaches new levels. After much debate, Luna saves the day and comes up with a plan to fly to the Ministry – ...…

In this crossover episode, The Real Weird Sisters (Alice and Martha) are joined by special guest Paul Asleson (@paulasleson) and the Sorting Spring Fling Crown to sort the characters of Mean Girls into Hogwarts houses. Be aware that the show contains spoilers from both Mean Girls and the Harry Potter series. Please subscribe to our show! Book c ...…

In this frantic chapter, Harry desperately tries to convince a skeptical Hermione that he doesn’t have a “saving-people-thing.” Ron attempts to fool Umbridge with a not-so-convincing lie about Peeves, while Ginny is a little more successful in tricking their fellow students into believing someone has let off dangerous (possibly fatal??) magical ...…

Oh my goodness, is that them? Is that the examiners?? Professors Tofty (or is it Toffee?) and Marchbanks have arrived, and when it comes to O.W.L.s (more commonly known as owls) it’s not really what you know, it’s who you know. From Ernie averaging eight hours of studying a day to Hermione forgetting the definition of ehwaz, everyone is going t ...…

In Hagrid’s Tale, Part 2, we finally get the answer to the most important mystery of the book…what Hagrid has been doing and why he has been so beaten up all this time! Harry and Hermy have the pleasure of meeting Grawp, who definitely DOESN’T pick Hermione up or wave her around in the air. Luckily, the ruddy stargazers also spare the foals on ...…

Now that Harry’s got the basics of Occlumency down, Snape figures he can just carry on on his own with his studies. However, he’s so down about Cho (it definitely couldn’t be anything else) that he’s having trouble enjoying the Easter holidays. When Ginny hatches a dangerous plan, Fred and George are willing to risk it all for Harry to enjoy a ...…

With Umbridge as the new Head of Hogwarts, Fred and George take their troublemaking to the next level. A kitten plate saves Harry from divulging important information, though isn’t that the point of the Fidelius Charm? Voldemort begins laying the groundwork for luring Harry to the Ministry (we think?) and Malfoy finds out that Harry has been ta ...…

In this crossover episode, The Real Weird Sisters (Alice and Martha) are joined by special guests Jessica McKenna (@JessRMcKenna) and Zach Reino (@ZachReino) of Off Book Podcast (@OffBookPod), as well as the Sorting Beret to sort the characters of Les Misérables into Hogwarts houses. Be aware that the show contains spoilers from both Les Miséra ...…

With Firenze now at the helm of the Divination class, we have a lot of questions. Why are Lavender and Parvati so attracted to their new professor? Has teaching always been Firenze’s dream? And where exactly do centaurs come from? We also spend plenty of time mourning the end of the D.A., celebrating Dobby’s bravery, and wishing we could kick P ...…

While Ron continues to fail miserably at Quidditch, Harry continues to fail miserably at Occlumency, maybe because his visions make him feel special…important? However, it’s not all doom and gloom this chapter. Believe it or not, Harry’s interview with Rita sends the Quibbler to reprint faster than any previous issue, even those about Crumple-H ...…

Several disturbing news stories shake the wizarding community, and Hermione sees the chance for an opening for Harry to regain some credibility. Harry goes on a disastrous date with the Human Hosepipe. And finally, Rita Skeeter makes her triumphant return as Hermione’s unlikely drinking mate. We may not love the title of this chapter, but there ...…

Snape reveals himself as a master of sass when he makes a surprise visit to Grimmauld Place. Harry reluctantly parts with Sirius, and Lupin and Tonks enjoy their first date as group chaperones on the Knight Bus. Harry’s unhappy return to Hogwarts is made worse with his first session of Remedial Potions (Good Lord, he must be terrible, Snape doe ...…