Todays Headlines: Millenials are killing Floo Powder: Today’s youth are opting for methods of travel they consider “safer” and “more reliable.” The Front Page: What’s Knockturn Alley really all about?Expose: Floo Powder! It’s the worst!Politics: This Malfoy guy sure is something, eh?Stay tuned for a snippet of “Codename: Honeypot,” our latest P ...…

Today’s Headlines: Imprisoned Boy Rescued By Children After Adults Fail To Take ActionThe Front Page: Wow, this sure is one thinly veiled metaphor for [censored]Community Profile: The Weasley Family!Politics: The Adventures of Martin the Mad MuggleHealth and Science: Gnomes! Sentient plants! Personhood!Open the paper to read all about it!Check ...…

Today’s Headlines: America’s Favorite Gryffindandy Fails For The First Time To Find A Humorous Headline: Sources Say The Chapter Was Just Too Upsetting!Politics: House Elves! Abuse! NSA Watch!Health and Science: Are House Elves Nocturnal?Editorials: Owl Stunners!Dear Hedwig: Should I kidnap this person because I think they are in danger? Help!C ...…

A chapter so upsetting that it gets its own theme song! Today’s Headlines: Beloved author exposed as fatphobic jerkface, fans demand apology! The Front Page: why would Vernon invite this dude to his house??? Politics: fatphobia and child abuse. Health and Science: the genetic basis of magic. Also including our Master’s Thesis on the stylistic d ...…

Welcome to our book one wrap up episode! This week we were joined by the incredible Sarah Sarwar as we examine Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone through the lens of the Fool’s Journey, aka the tarot major arcana. We were careful to keep the discussion accessible to all, regardless of whether you know anything about tarot! We have merch! Che ...…

Today’s Headlines: Teen Murders Teacher; Wins Trophy. Health and Science: does voldemort have bangs, or…? And did the snakes he possessed have a tiny Voldemort face on the backs of their heads? Politics: is anyone going to talk about how this kid just killed his teacher? Obituaries: Quirrell is dead, RIP…wait, who?Also featuring a very special ...…

Today's Headlines: Hogwarts headmaster accused of sending children through a dangerous obstacle course to fight a mass murderer! In the education section: these exams are terrible. NSA Watch: this obstacle course was clearly designed for these specific children. Health and Science: how far must a child fall for death to be certain? A personals ...…

Special edition! An update on the ongoing investigation of Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry, which has revealed gross incompetence, invasions of privacy, negligence, highly dangerous punishment tactics, and frequent student injuries. Are any of our children safe?Follow us on social media @thegaylyprophet on instagram, twitter, and fac ...…

The Gayly Prophet officially endorses queers co-opting of “Zaddy” from The Straights. Today’s Headlines: Hogwarts Detention Policy Shocks Parents—horrifying information surfaces about punishment tactics used at Hogwarts after four 1st years were nearly murdered in the forbidden forest! Breaking news: Malfoy absolutely should have told his fathe ...…

In this very special episode, we got to talk to Mey Rude about a truly joyful theory we have about Hagrid! There’s also some stuff about how we (mostly Lark) don’t know geography and how dramatic Snape is, but holy moly you guys, this conversation!!! Find Mey at meyrude.com, or on socials @meyrudeFollow the Gayly Prophet on socials so you don’t ...…

A PSA to IRL Slytherins: We love you! A note to Ron: you’re not a good friend, fix yourself. Dumbledore and Flamel were like, partner partners, yeah? Why did Hagrid eat a stoat? Are you all ready to cry about Neville again? All this and more in today’s edition of the Gayly Prophet!Find us:thegaylyprophet.comInstagram, Facebook, and Twitter @the ...…

Why does Hogwarts celebrate Christmas? What’s the deal with broomsticks? Why must we be subjected to these quidditch passages? Is there any sort of system to the Hogwarts library? Does everyone know that Nicholas Flamel was a real person? Dear Hedwig, why is Dumbledore keeping the Mirror of Erised out where kids can find it, and how can I stop ...…

Is Dumbledore seriously invisibly stalking children right now? Is Hagrid baiting these kids on purpose, or is Dumbledore using him as a tool in his strange chess game? Hoo Boy, is the mirror of Erised terrible or what?! Remember that time that Hermione set Snape ON FIRE??? Read all about it in this weeks edition of the Gayly Prophet!the whole C ...…

What would happen if the Sorting Hat decided to quit its job? How does Wood know what a golf ball is? Why does poor Neville have to learn how to fly a broom? This and so much more is all inside today’s issue of the Gayly Prophet! The podcast to which this podcast owes its existence: ohwitchplease.caCheck out our brand new website, where you can ...…

Why are witches so committed to flying on brooms? Should Percy have been placed in Slytherin? If you can open a door with Alohomora, is it actually locked? Is anyone in this school actually supervising these children? Find out in this edition of the Gayly Prophet! You wonderful humans listened to us 2000 times in our first month! Thank you so m ...…

In the second part of our discussion of chapters 7 & 8, your reporters investigate the meaning behind Snape's interrogation of Harry's plant knowledge. Also: seriously, how messed up is the sorting system? Would anyone really send their kids to Hogwarts? Do you all know that parchment is SKIN??? Also, bonus content about Lark's irl experience w ...…

Welcome to our discussion of Chapters 7 and 8 of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. How many kittens would it take to make up for the wrongs done to Neville Longbottom? Are there any legal protections available in the witching world? How does Dumbledore get away with keeping Snape on staff? Is Nearly Headless Nick the best role model in thi ...…

In this issue of the Gayly Prophet, we discuss Chapter 6, The Journey From Platform 9 3/4. What happens when you put children into boats with a bunch of cats? Where do witches get their trainers? Can we be honest about witch candy for a second? How freaking great is Hermione, you guys? Open today's paper to read all about it! Goth summer camp f ...…

PART TWO of our discussion of chapters 4&5 of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone! Do witches care about climate change? Does St. Mungo’s have a rehab program? How does a 12ft tall man sleep on a muggle sofa? Find out in today’s edition of the Gayly Prophet!If you like the show, please subscribe, rate and review it to help other folks find us ...…

Welcome to part A of our discussion of chapters 4&5 of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone! Who would be in Voldemort’s top 8 on Myspace? What in the world was Hagrid thinking when he sent Harry home from Diagon Alley all by himself??? Could a semi truck work better than a wand for fighting evil? Open today’s edition of the Gayly Prophet to f ...…

Welcome to our very first episode! Get ready to dissect the first three chapters of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. Who all’s gay in this series? What the heck happened to Harry during the 24 hours between the failed curse and his arrival at the Dursleys? Does Vernon even know what dinner is? The answers to these questions and more are i ...…

Coming January 1st. The Gayly Prophet is a weekly chapter-by-chapter deep dive into Harry Potter, hosted by two queer IRL witches. Hosts Jessie Blount (she/her) and Lark Malakai Grey (he/him/they/them) are Harry Potter nerds who decided to turn their endless HP text threads into the podcast of your dreams. Subscribe now!…