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I Didn't Understand, Boyfriends Can Rape - Bea's Story
Manage episode 421622331 series 3563387
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“Sexual abuse refers to any behavior that pressures or coerces someone to do something sexually that they do not want to do. It can also refer to behavior that impacts a person’s ability control their sexual activity or the circumstances in which sexual activity takes place, including oral sex, rape or controlling reproductive methods and choices”
Sexual abuse “can look like unwanted kissing or touching, unwanted rough or violent sexual activity, refusing to use condoms or restricting someone’s access to birth control, sexual contact with someone intoxicated from drugs or alcohol, unconscious, asleep, or otherwise unable to give clear and informed consent, threatening, pressuring, or otherwise forcing someone to have sex or perform sexual acts, using sexual insults toward someone.” - LoveIsRespect.org
Every individual has the right to decide what they do or do not want to do sexually. Every individual has the power to voice their affirmative consent with each and every progressive sexual activity. This is not simply a right, it is the law.
It is important for young people to know that not all sexual assaults are “violent attacks” by a stranger who looks the stereotypical part of the rapist. In fact, most victims of sexual assault know their assailent, and people of all genders and sexualities can be victims, or perpetrators, of sexual abuse/assault. This includes people who are married, dating, in a “friends with benefits” arrangement, or just acquaintances.
Many young people struggle to understand the nuances of sexual assault and abuse. For most, it is hard to conceptualize that your partner, the person you love and laugh with, can also be your assaulter.
Early relationships impact us significantly, for good or bad. They shape our expectations, triggers, and preferences. In the beginning of a new relationship, we may feel excited to share our feelings with our parents or guardians. However, we know that If the relationship becomes more intense (possibly even abusive emotionally, physically, or verbally), or sexual, it is more difficult to talk openly with parents. Kids don’t know what to say because there is a hope that things will change. Or, because they wanted a boyfriend, girls think this behavior “comes with the territory.” These relationships then continue unquestioned. Yet, these unhealthy early relationships leave emotional scars that follow them into future relationships.
Young people may feel, like our guest Bea, that they can “fix” the relationship or that “it’s not that bad” outside of the confusing sexual encounters. Like Bea, many young women may stay in an unhealthy relationship longer than they should or would, knowing the red flags. Everyone must know these red flags and areas where boundaries (and laws) are being violated. Bea’s “first love” was confusing because while her boyfriend had positive attributes, he manipulated and coerced her behind closed doors. Bea courageously shares her insights and what she now wants for herself in relationships.
Love is RespectA collaboration between Break the Cycle and the National Dating Abuse Helpline, this web resource provides information and resources on dating violence and healthy dating attitudes and relationships for youth. The site includes an overview of the issue (e.g., early warning signs, types of abuse, the cycle of abuse), quizzes for teens to determine whether they are experiencing or inflicting abuse, a live chat feature that connects youth with a peer advocate 24/7, videos, a blog, and more. In addition to the live chat, Love is Respect connects youth to the National Dating Abuse Helpline at 1-866-331-9474 or 1-866-331-8453. Youth can also reach out for help by texting “loveis” to 22522.
TIMESTAMPS
00:00 Introduction and Trigger Warning
00:15 Manipulated To Have Sex
00:50 Welcome To 7 On Sundays
01:28 Bea’s Story: Emotional Manipulation and People Pleasing
08:17 Understanding and Reflecting on the Past
11:36 Breaking Up and Aftermath
14:49 Identifying Manipulation
26:10 Boundaries and People Pleasing
32:22 Exploring Boundaries and Emotional Intelligence
35:08 Baby Steps in People Pleasing Recovery
37:16 The Importance of Sexual Boundaries
41:44 Imposter Syndrome and Sexual Assault
48:20 Reflecting on Past Relationships
53:18 Final Thoughts and Takeaways
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