48. Now That's What I Call Poop Music!

Driven to Drink

I live with a super social twelve-year-old. Our home is conveniently located within biking and walking distance to a vast majority of her friends. Therefore, I interact with dozens, seemingly hundreds, of middle-schoolers on the reg. That means “regularly.” Not only do I hear, and apparently absorb (…totes…) their language, but I also hear, and often abhor, their music. At times, I’m tempted to let something much like this slip from my mouth, “Music is horrible today.”

Guess what, though?

It’s not true.

What I’d really be saying is, “When I was a kid…our shitty pop music was less shitty than this generation’s shitty pop music.” But see, shitty pop music is shitty pop music is shitty pop music. And also, all art is relative, and personal, and wrought with nostalgic, emotional overlay.

I realized this as Jen played, “Hit the Quan” for me. If you stream the podcast just below this post, you can hear both the song and the insights.

For those of you who’ll just read, and to assure myself that, indeed, every decade’s shitty pop…let’s call it Poop Music, is merely soon-to-be-dated Poop, I did some research. I use the term “research” quite loosely. What I really did was look at the “List of Billboard Top 100 chart achievements by decade” on Wikipedia, within which I found the top songs of each decade back to 1958. That’s right, 1958. People, Wikipedia is absolutely wonderful for many things. Not serious academic research, and not as a solitary source. Don’t dismiss it out of hand just because it’s crowd-sourced. While it only takes one dick to ruin something, the crowd generally trumps the dick. However, also realize that the community created a 1958 – 1969 “decade” because, I dunno, the dick won there.

So, for any of you who’ve claimed, in your best crotchety old-man/old-woman demeanor, “Music ain’t like it used to be,” feast your eyes on these lists. (And hell, link through to the videos to feast your ears as well!) Keep in mind, there are absolute gems of pop perfection in each decade…and there are heaping mounds of steaming shit as well. All the way back to the decade that began in, uh…1958. I won’t try to convince you which songs here are genius, which are formulaic, which are immediately forgetful, unforgettable, and which are vomit-worthy. I only ask you to keep track of your reactions as you travel back…and be completely honest with yourself.

Because a turd by any other name would smell as putrid.

Here goes:

2010’s – “Songs,” and artists (by total weeks at number one)

“Uptown Funk,” Mark Ronson featuring Bruno mars (14)“Blurred Lines,”* Robin Thicke featuring T.I. and Pharrell (12)*No-boobies version****If you like boobies, and who doesn’t like boobies (?!), just google search: blurred lines unrated“See You Again,” Wiz Khalifa featuring Charlie Puth (12)“We Found Love,” Rihanna featuring Calvin Harris (10)“Happy,” Pharrell Williams (10)“Tik Tok,” Kesha (9)“Call Me Maybe,” Carly Rae Jepson (9)“One More Night,” Maroon 5 (9)“Royals,” Lorde (9)“Somebody That I Used to Know,” Gotye featuring Kimbra (8)“All About That Bass,” Meghan Trainor (8)

2000’s – “Songs,” and artists (by total weeks at number one)

“We Belong Together,” Maria Carey (14)“I Gotta Feeling,” The Black Eyed Peas (14)“Lose Yourself,” Eminem (12)“Yeah!,” Usher featuring Lil John and Ludacris (12)“Boom Boom Pow,” The Black Eyed Peas (12)“Independent Woman,” Destiny’s Child (11)“Irreplaceable,” Beyonce (10)“Low,” Flo Rida featuring T-Pain (10)“Maria Maria,” Santana featuring The Product G&B (10)“Dilemma,” Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland (10)“Foolish,” Ashanti (10)“Gold Digger,” Kanye West featuring Jamie Fox (10)

1990’s – “Songs,” and artists (by total weeks at number one)

“One Sweet Day,” Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men (16)“I Will Always Love You,” Whitney Houston (14)“I’ll Make Love to You,” Boyz II Men (14)“Candle in the Wind ‘97/Something About the Way You Look Tonight,” Elton John (14)“Macarena,” Los Del Rio (14)“End of the Road,” Boyz II Men (13)“The Boy is Mine,” Brandy and Monica (13)“Smooth,” Santana featuring Rob Thomas (12)“Un-Break My Heart,” Toni Braxton (11)“I Swear,” All-4-One (11)“I’ll Be Missing You,” Puff Daddy and Faith Evans featuring 112 (11)

1980’s – “Songs,” and artists (by total weeks at number one)

“Physical,” Olivia Newton-John (10)****I never realized how gay this video is, literally and in 80’s vernacular.“Bette Davis Eyes,” Kim Carnes (9)“Endless Love,” Diana Ross and Lionel Richie (9)“Every Breath You Take,” The Poice (8)“I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll,”** Joan Jett and the Blackhearts (7)**I also love Rocky Road“Ebony and Ivory,”** Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder (7)**this“Billie Jean,” Michael Jackson (7)“Call Me,” Blondie (6)“Lady,” Kenny Rogers (6)“Centerfold,” The J. Geils Band (6)“Eye of the Tiger,” Survivor (6)“Flashdance…What a Feeling,” Irene Cara (6)“Say, Say, Say,” Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson (6)“Like a Virgin,” Madonna (6)

1970’s – “Songs,” and artists (by total weeks at number one)

“You Light Up My Life,” Debby Boone (10)“Night Fever,” Bee Gees (8)“Tonight’s the Night (Gonna Be Alright),” Rod Stewart (8)“Shadow Dancing,” Andy Gibb (7)“Bridge over Troubled Water,” Simon & Garfunkle (6)“Joy to the World,” Three Dog Night (6)“The First Time Ever I saw Your Face,” Roberta Flack (6)“Alone Again (Naturally),” Gilbert O’Sullivan (6)“Le Freak,”Chic (6)“My Sharona,” The Knack (6)

(NOTE: For as much shit as the 70’s get, I’m actually quite impressed with these 10 tunes. Also, I kind of like the unlikely and glorious collision of punk, soul, kink, and the gay community called Disco.)

1958 – 1969 – “Songs,” and artists (by total weeks at number one)

“Mack the Knife,” Bobby Darin (9)“Theme from a Summer Place,” Percy Faith (9)“Hey Jude,” The Beatles (9)“Tossin’ and Turnin’,” Bobby Lewis (7)“I want to Hold Your Hand,” The Beatles (7)“I’m a Believer,” The Monkees (7)“I Heard It Through the Grapevine,” Marvin Gaye (7)“It’s All in the Game,” Tommy Edwards (6)“The Battle of New Orleans,” Johnny Horton (6)“Are You Lonesome Tonight?” Elvis Presley (6)“Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In,” The 5th Dimension (6)“In the Year 2525,” Zager and Evans (6)

So…maybe I’ve convinced you, or maybe you’re now doubling down on the assertion that today’s popular music is considerably worse than yesterday’s. In either case, we present to you, “Now That’s What I Call Poop Music!”

Oh…and at the end? “Paid In Full (7 Minutes of Madness Remix).” Pump up the volume, pump up the volume, chkuh-chk-chk-chk Pump that bass!