A Real Drag: Defeat of the Spanish Armada 1588

History Improv’ed

How did England’s upstart navy devastate the mighty Spanish Armada? Why did the loss upset the global world order for the next 350 years? And as the world’s most powerful, richest man, how annoying must King Philip II have been for Queen Elizabeth I to not let him put a ring on it?

Links To Further Yer Book-Learnin’

Queen Elizabeth I (1533–1603) was Queen of England and Ireland for 45 years. She was cray-cray for Sir William Raleigh, but remained a virgin her whole life. Or so the Royal Marketers say.

King Philip II (1527–1598), also known as Philip the Prudent, was a real resume padder: King of Spain; King of Portugal; King of Naples and Sicily; jure uxoris King of England and Ireland; Duke of Milan; and Lord of the Seventeen Provinces of the Netherlands. His dad still wasn’t impressed.

Charles Howard (1536–1624), was known as Lord Howard of Effingham. Was this because of his royal title, or a love for ham, or a reputation for over-acting?

Sir Francis Drake (1540–1596) was an English explorer, privateer, and naval hero who circumnavigated the world from 1577 to 1580. But if you’re signing up for the Drake Disciples fan club, he also joined in slaving voyages, soooo…

Hernán Cortés de Monroy y Pizarro Altamirano (1485–1547) was a Spanish conquistador who’s synonymous with the saying “burn your ships.” Which might explain why there’s no Cortes Caribbean Cruises.

Ferdinand Magellan (1480–1521) was the Portuguese explorer who planned and led the first circumnavigation of the planet. Flat-Earthers are not fans.

The Habsburg Monarchy ruled big chunks of Europe from 1282 to 1918. The family dynamic was super-juicy, and ripe fare for a telenovela.

The Portuguese Empire (1415-1999) was made up of overseas colonies, factories, and territories. By the early 16th century the empire stretched across every continent that didn’t have a South Pole.

The Holy Roman Empire was officially the Holy Roman Empire of the German Nation. But for its almost 1,000 years, only geeks called it that.

The Ottoman Empire, better known as the Turkish Empire, spanned much of Southeast Europe, West Asia, and North Africa from the 14th to early 20th centuries. It could have ruled more, but its leaders kept stopping to put their feet up.

Martin Luther (1483–1546) was the seminal figure of the Protestant Reformation as the author of the Ninety-Five Theses. Apparently nobody told him he only needed to write one to finish his undergrad.

The encomienda was a Spanish labor system that rewarded conquerors with the labor of non-Christian peoples. The laborers were supposed to benefit from the conquerors’ military protection, who made them an offer they couldn’t refuse.

The British Royal Navy fought the French-Spanish fleet in The Battle of Trafalgar on Oct. 21, 1805. Outnumbered and outgunned, Lord Nelson steered his ships into the enemy fleet’s flank in a brilliant maneuver. This earned him a 20-0 ship-sinking rout, and later to H.I. history expert Matt Roberto’s man crush.

The Age of Exploration (15th to 17th Century), a.k.a The Age of Discovery, mostly overlapped with the Age of Sail. Can you historians just pick a name, already?