006: Understanding And Working Through Your Child’s Meltdown

In the Boat With Ben

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Meltdowns aren’t fun for anyone. Our oldest describes himself as a volcano when he doesn’t get his way. As parents, it’s hard to resist the temptation to give in or to ignore so that the meltdown will pass as soon as possible.

In this episode we talk about a healthy, potentially unconventional approach to meltdowns that will help your child work through their emotions, protect the bond you share while still maintaining your boundaries, and set them up for emotional health as they grow.

Highlights, Takeaways, & Quick Wins:

• Meltdowns are going to happen. Let them be opportunities to help your child practice working through her emotions.
• The actions that we take with our feelings are not always appropriate, but every feeling is acceptable.
• Anger is often perceived as a bad emotion, but if expressed in a healthy way, it can be very productive.
• Bargaining can be good if held in balance. It’s good for your child to know how to submit to authority and it’s also good for them to know how to negotiate and fight for the right thing.
• Don’t let your child internalize their sadness, but give them words to help them express it.
• Acceptance is not the goal. Working through your child’s emotions in a healthy way is the goal.

Show Notes:

• 02:10 Ben: I wanted to start out by sharing some of the great answers I received when I asked this question in the chat: “What are some ways you help your child avoid a melt down?”
  • Charla Virkler said, “As we learn triggers, we avoid or prepare for them as much as possible. Leaving a party before they collapse in a pile of tears, etc. Also, we have a little quiz/game before we go into a store. “Do we yell? Do we scream? Do we smile? Can we have fun? Do we make faces at people?” They love it, and it helps them know going in what’s expected of them.”
  • Christopher says, “I really focus on how he reacts to situations.
    If we recognize a situation that is going to result in him getting frustrated we have a technique called distraction. He is only 14 months so when he arches his back or collapses and lays there we make sure he didn’t hurt himself and ignore it. Since there is no immediate reaction he gets up and goes back to what he was doing prior.”
  • Grabrielle said, “Well fed, well rested and learning their natural rhythms has helped bunches with my boys. Not putting them in the situation in the first place is half the battle and then teaching them better ways to dealing with those situations is the other half. We’re still working on that other half”
  • Alice said, “Are kids like clients? Set clear expectations early, define roles & responsibilities, keep communication open, and deliver on schedule.”
• 04:51 I really like Alice’s comparison. Though it’s not necessarily as simple as that, the basic principles work in the parent child relationship. You’ve got to set clear expectations for kids in terms they can understand. You’ve got to make sure that everyone knows what their role in the relationship is and who is responsible for what. You definitely have to keep communication open and also teach children how to communicate, and you’ve got to be consistent with how and when you do things.

Avoiding Meltdowns

• 06:22 Rachel: I remember when our first was born and we really wanted to avoid meltdowns, so we took our son out of situations that might cause a meltdown. Something we’ve been learning is that it’s better for the child to go through the meltdown and for us to be there with him to help him through it.
• 07:14 Ben: There’s a healthy balance between allowing our children to experience those things and helping them avoid it. There’s some strategy involved, but we’ll touch on that later in the show.
• 07:36 Sometimes one of the biggest triggers is giving your child a flat “no” when they make a request. “No” can be a really good word when used appropriately, but sometimes when we answer right away with a “no” we convey a dismissiveness that we didn’t really intend. Sometimes when we say “no” what we mean is “I’d like to be able to say yes to that, but I can’t right now.” You can go back and listen to episode 2 where we talked about different approaches to saying “no” that maintain your position as the final decision maker, while still expressing empathy toward your child. (Related: e002 Removing the Word “No” From Your Family’s Vocabulary)

Emotional Relativity

• 08:37 Ben: Meltdowns are going to happen. Your kids will often find themselves in situations where they become emotionally flooded. The first thing I wanted to talk about is the relativity of their emotional experience to the type of emotional experience we as adults have when we experience frustration and disappointment. As we become adults, our gained perspective tells us that the things that mattered to us as children are now silly and trivial compared to the things adults struggle with.
• 10:46 Rachel: We have a much wider frame of reference. Kids don’t have the same experience, so for them some frustrations feel like the end of the world. I remember having experiences like that as a child and thinking I was not going to wake up the next day.
• 11:15 Ben: Children already have a difficult time because of their position in the relationship, then to have an adult tell them that the thing they care about so much is not significant or important compounds the frustration. I want us to pretend that the object of the frustration doesn’t exist and we’re only looking at the emotional experience. If you remove the object of the disappointment or frustration and just compare the emotional experience the child is having to that of the adults, you’re likely to find that their experience is at least as intense, if not more intense than the adult’s.
• 12:38 Rachel: We get distracted by the object because it’s difficult to look at the things a child cares about and feel like they are significant. It’s not really a big deal for us, but for them it’s a huge deal.
• 12:59 Ben: If we are focused on their experience, it’s a lot easier for us empathize with them. That empathy is a necessary first step in siding with our kids, not so we can give them what they want or give into an unhealthy request, but so we can be on their side. You can be on someone’s side and be “for” them without giving into something unhealthy or unproductive they want in that moment.

The actions we take with our feelings are not always acceptable, but every feeling is acceptable.

• 13:34 Rachel: Empathy also helps kids feel like their feelings are acceptable. I don’t want our boys to grow up feeling like they need to stuff their emotions. There are plenty of adults who do that.
• 14:16 Ben: Emotions are not logical. When you feel attached to an outcome as an adult, the logical part of your brain can kick in and help you navigate your emotions. Kids haven’t fully developed that yet. Either way, the emotion has to be worked through in order to able to move on past that situation in a healthy way.
• 15:11 Rachel: When our boys are experiencing extreme anger or sadness, it makes me uncomfortable. We’ve got to work through some of that as parents, because maybe when we were growing up, we were taught that it wasn’t okay to show your emotions.
• 15:33 Ben: Our discomfort with emotions seems natural. I remember growing up as a kid and hearing adults say things like, “Cheer up!” and “Turn that frown upside-down.” What I learned from that is that when you feel sad, something is wrong.

The Five Stages of Grief

• 16:24 Ben: We recently read a book called “Parenting Without Power Struggles” by Susan Stiffelman. In this book, Stiffelman makes a comparison that was a game changer when it came to understanding what our kids were going through when they have a meltdown. She compares the process of working through an emotional meltdown to the five stages of grief. Though the five stages of grief are most commonly talked about with the loss of a loved one, this process scales to other forms of loss and disappointment. Losing a toy or not getting a desired outcome isn’t as intense as losing a loved one, but processing through those emotions takes the same path.

1. Denial

• 20:07 Ben: The first stage of grief is denial. This is a funny one with kids because it’s not always a spoken disagreement, but is sometimes met with silence or ignoring. That’s also a form of denial. We shouldn’t discourage this, but rather give our children better language for expressing their denial. Instead of just saying “no,” they can say “I don’t want to do that and this is why.”
• 21:45 Rachel: Someone asked if these stages change according to age. Our twins form of denial looks like ignoring. Our eight year old is very verbal. Our four year old just lays on the ground and acts like the world is over.

2. Anger

• 23:11 Ben: The next stage is anger. Anger sometimes throws us off because anger can actually be a good emotion. It can lead greater productivity and positive action, but is often given a bad name because of some of the unhealthy expressions of anger. Because of this, we don’t like for our children to experience anger.
• 23:56 Rachel: Our eight year old has had a very physical expression of anger from a very young age. We tried different methods for helping have a healthier expression of anger, and while some of our tactics worked, we eventually decided to have him see a counselor for a time, and that helped a lot. I wanted to share that because sometimes we need that extra help to manage something that is outside of our expertise, and there’s no shame in that.
• 26:01 Ben: Anger is not bad. One of the worst things we can do is react to that anger and try to shut it down. Anytime I see an unhealthy expression of anger I say, “It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to punch the wall. Let’s find a different way to express your feelings.”
• 26:56 Rachel: Kids have different expressions of anger too. When our eight year old was really trying to manage his feelings, instead of yelling or punching a wall he ran off. We had to talk to him about it afterward and re-write some of the anger rules. Kids are creative, and they’re going to constantly be exploring different ways to express their emotions. It’s okay to make adjustments as you go.
• 27:49 Ben: Daily, your child is growing and learning new things. They may have seen someone at school express their anger in a way they’ve never seen before and decide to try that form of expression for themselves.

3. Bargaining

• 28:57 Ben: The next stage is bargaining. I like this stage because bargaining can be a great life skill, but you’ve got to hold it in a fine balance. There is great value in knowing how to submit to authority, but there is also value in being able to bargain and negotiate and fight for what is right. As parents, we sometimes have to make snap judgments and that means that sometimes we get it wrong. It’s okay to admit you’re wrong, but this is also a great opportunity to allow your child to express their views, ideas, and desires.
• 32:56 Rachel: Bargaining is a stage that can last a long time. Our oldest is very strong willed. I remember going through these stages with him one time and were stuck in the bargaining stage for an hour. That may seem long, but if you try to hurry them through the stages, they could get stuck and not fully deal with their emotions.
• 33:50 Ben: If you are strategic about when those meltdown moments occur and you can help your child practice through the stages consistently, over time they’ll become more efficient at working through those stages.
• 35:02 Rachel: In Susan Stiffelman’s book she talks about a phenomenon called the “sticky brain.” Children with this characteristic often get fixed on an idea or outcome, and they have a really hard time moving on. It’s especially important to make the time to help a “sticky brained” child through their emotions.
• 35:41 Ben: Until you experience it firsthand, you don’t know whether or not your child will get stuck on something. The more we can detach ourselves from our own emotions about the situation, the more we’re able to take on the role of teacher and observer for our kids. I also wanted to talk about giving the child attention. Some feel like attention during a meltdown will only increase the bad behavior. If your child’s meltdown is a cry for attention, you’ve already lost that battle. It’s still emotionally beneficial for you to be attentive and be there with them, but you’ve got to counteract that by giving them healthy attention in the future.
• 38:26 Rachel: A lot of our children’s meltdowns come from not feeling as connected to us as they need to be, so some meltdowns could be avoided if there was a stronger connection.
  
• 38:56 Ben: It’s okay to admit to your kids when you’re wrong. It doesn’t undermine your authority because it strengthens the relationship which is the foundation for your authority.

4. Depression

• 41:21 Ben: The next stage is depression. In my experience this one is the shortest and is connected to acceptance. The sadness that comes with this stage is like anger in that it can feel uncomfortable for us as parents. There aren’t as many unhealthy expressions of sadness, but you have to be careful that your child doesn’t internalize their sadness. I often sit with my 4 year old in silence while he works through his hurt, then eventually I try to give him words to help him describe how he is feeling. When you can articulate for your child what they may be feeling, it not only helps them learn appropriate language for describing their feelings, but also shows them that you understand how they feel.
• 43:13 Rachel: Think about how you feel as an adult when someone just gets how you feel. It really helps you work through your disappointment.

5. Acceptance

• 43:26 Ben: The final stage is acceptance. The goal is not acceptance. The goal is not to get your child through the stages as quickly as possible so they can get to acceptance. The goal is to allow your child to walk through each stage as long as necessary in order for them to process their grief in a healthy way. If we don’t allow our children to work through their emotions, they may continue carrying them. As an adult, I know there are still things I need to work through that I’ve carried over the years.
• 44:46 Acceptance is a positive thing. It doesn’t look like defeat. It can be taken further into understanding.
• 45:38 Rachel: Another book that has been transformational for us is a book called “The Whole Brained Child.” In this book, they talk about how when a child is having a meltdown, the left side of their brain, which is responsible for logic, is not working and the right side, in charge of emotions and the body, is raging. When we show understanding and empathy it helps calm the right side so the left side can begin to take over.

Meltdowns Are Opportunities to Practice Processing Grief

• 47:53 Ben: We don’t always want to avoid meltdowns. We can use these strategically as opportunities to walk our child through the practice of working through their emotions. Again, if we can disconnect ourselves emotionally from the situation and purposefully take on the role as observer and teacher, we can allow our kids to practice something that will serve them well later in life. It’s better for them to have an opportunity to work through those things now while they’re in a safe environment with people who love them and where the stakes aren’t so high.
• 51:31 Rachel: We forget that kids don’t come as fully equipped adults. They have to learn and practice. Our eight year old took a long time to work through the steps when we worked through them with him for the first time. Each time after that he’s taken less and less time, because now he has some tools he can use to work through his emotions.