007: Should You Admit to Your Kids When You’re Wrong?

In the Boat With Ben

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As a parent, should I apologize when I wrong my child? Should I talk to them about my mistakes and failures? Will it undermine my authority and cause them to feel less secure? Should I apologize every time I make a mistake? Would that make my apology seem inauthentic? Should I make my child apologize or hope that it will just happen naturally?

Ben and Rachel dive into these questions and talk about the role that apology and admitting our mistakes can play in our child’s development and how these things influence our relationship with our children and the role we play in their lives.

Highlights, Takeaways, & Quick Wins:

• Parenthood is something that is bestowed upon you. It is not something you earn.
• When we share our mistakes with others, we give them an opportunity to speak into our lives and affirm who we really are.
• Admitting when we’re wrong demonstrates the art of apology for our children
• Apologizing to our children doesn’t undermine our authority, it strengthens the relationship which is the foundation of our authority.
• When we apologize in the form of a story, we allow our children to see themselves in the stories we tell.
• When we make mistakes it doesn’t make us unacceptable. We are acceptable because of who we are, not what we’ve done.

Show Notes:

• 05:56 Ben: Should you admit to your kids when you’re wrong? I answer this with “Yes” and “It depends.” We make a lot of mistakes as parents and we don’t want to be walking around apologizing all the time, but it can be very meaningful when we take an opportunity to talk to our kids when we’ve wronged them.
• 06:50 Rachel: This is a hard one for me because I’ve always had a hard time admitting when I’m wrong. The resistance we feel admitting when we are wrong has its roots deep in our childhood.

Why Are We Afraid to Admit We Are Wrong?

• 07:58 Ben: Sometimes we as parents are afraid to admit we are wrong because we don’t want to lose our position of authority with our kids. Another reason is that we fear admitting we are wrong will cause our child to feel less secure in the relationship. I understand those fears, but they are based in misconception. Admitting we are wrong demonstrates that our actions are not attached to our identity. We didn’t become parents because we fully knew what we were getting into. We don’t have parenting degrees. It’s not something you earn, but something that is bestowed upon you. The parenting role was given to you.

Parenthood is something that is bestowed upon you. It is not something you earn

• 10:49 Our fear is rooted in a historical fear of being cast out from community. Though there is more infrastructure now than there was in the past, it’s still just as true today that few are able to survive without the efforts of others. We need community. Deep down we fear that if we make mistakes, we will be seen as unacceptable and therefore cannot benefit from the resources and protection of the community. We combat that fear by realizing that our acceptability, our identity as a part of a community does not depend on whether or not we make mistakes.
• 12:51 Rachel: I recently wrote a newspaper article and made a mistake with some of the facts which meant the newspaper had to run a correction. I felt so bad about it and started saying things to myself like, “How could I have made that mistake?” and “They’re not going to let me be a reporter anymore,” and “I don’t deserve to be a reporter when I mess up like that.” I remember talking to you about it and you said to me, “Rachel, you’re not a bad reporter. You just made a mistake because you’re human.” When we hold on to our mistakes, sometimes our thoughts can bring us to this really negative place, but when we share our mistakes with others, we give them an opportunity to speak encouragement and restore us to who we really are.

What We Do Is Not Who We Are

• 14:20 Ben: I like to think of the word “acceptable.” When we’ve done something wrong we may fear that we’re unacceptable, and if we’re unacceptable, we’re in danger. On the higher levels you might give it a label like, “I’m a bad reporter,” but when we share what we’ve done wrong, we give people a chance to say, “Yes, you made a mistake and that mistake has consequences, but you are still acceptable. We still accept you for who you are and this thing that you did does not define you.”
• 15:09 Rachel: That’s something we try to teach our children, that their choices from one moment in time do not define who they are. There are never bad people. There are good people who choose to make bad decisions.
• 15:58 Ben: We want our children to feel accepted, to feel like they belong to our family, to know they are loved for who they are no matter what they do, but sometimes that is lost when we don’t take an opportunity to admit when we’ve done something wrong. When we admit we are wrong, we are demonstrating for them what it looks like to take responsibility for our actions without the fear that it affects our identity or our role in the relationship. It’s one thing to tell them they should take responsibility, but doing it ourselves is a way we can show them. I’ve been surprised to find over and over that when I admit a wrong, I am met with grace from my kids.
• 17:43 Rachel: We do something called a “Family Restart” where, as we’re sitting at the dinner table, we’ll go around the table and ask, “Is there anything we’ve done this week to hurt you?” Sometimes they bring up things that we aren’t even aware of and it’s incredibly valuable to hear those things because we can’t change anything until we know.

Admitting We Are Wrong Doesn’t Undermine Our Authority

• 18:40 Ben: When we apologize to our kids, it doesn’t undermine our authority, it strengthens the relationship. The relationship is the foundation of our authority in our child’s life. Another way that we strengthen the relationship is by keeping lines of communication open. When we ask our children if we’ve done anything to hurt them, it’s kinda fun for them because they get to dish on Mama and Daddy, but down the road, think about how valuable it will be for them to be able to talk to you about their hurts without being afraid of how you’ll react. There are adults with whom I will not have those conversations because of how they will receive it. What a gift we give our children when they can approach us with those things without being afraid. Those open lines are precious because sometimes we hurt people and we don’t even know it.
• 20:34 Rachel: We also ask “Is there a way that you’ve hurt someone else in the family?” This gives the kids an opportunity to preemptively apologize for a wrong and share their intentions. This is a great was to help them look at the situation from another’s point of view.

Talking To Kids About Your Mistakes and Failures

• 21:26 Ben: Another place we can benefit our children is the way we talk about mistakes that we’ve made in life, whether it’s choices we’ve made that led to a failure or unintended outcome, or actions we’ve taken that had negative consequences for ourselves and others. As adults we want to protect our children from the more complicated areas of life because they can’t really understand the complexity, and we don’t want them to feel worried or scared that they’re not as secure. In my mind this is more difficult because I might still be dealing with my own emotions about the situation. If I can work through those emotions and I find myself in a place where my identity is not attached to those circumstances, it can be very valuable to share my mistakes with my children so they can see that our mistakes do not define us and that failure is not something to be avoided, but something to learn from.

Admitting our failure is also an opportunity to feel loved.

• 24:03 Rachel: When we admit our mistakes or our wrongs, it gives our children an opportunity to express forgiveness and move on. As our children get older, they’ll continue to experience hurt and if they can learn the art of forgiveness early on, it will make it easier for them to deal with hurt in a healthy way when they become adults.
• 24:29 Ben: Another benefit for the parent in admitting your mistakes to your children is the fact that they care so little about what the world’s definition of success is. When I’ve talked to my children about mistakes or failures I’ve experienced, they say things like, “You’re still a good daddy,” or “It’s okay daddy, you’re doing a good job.” Those affirmations have more truth in them than the response the world, your peers or even your self has to mistakes and failure. Sometimes, hearing something encouraging from someone whose values haven’t been colored by the world’s definition of success, is just what you need.

Children Identify With Apology Through Storytelling

• 26:49 Rachel: Part of admitting when I’m wrong is telling my children about mistakes I’ve made in my past as a child. I like to tell them stories about when I got in trouble for something I did when I was a little girl. It helps them to see that Mama used to be a kid too and that they’re not alone in their mistakes.

When we tell stories, we allow our children to see themselves in the stories we tell.

• 28:26 Ben: I want us to think about saying sorry as telling a story. The story is “Once upon a time Daddy felt angry when this happened.” This keeps us from having a knee jerk “sorry” response and helps us to communicate our apology from a more authentic place. It’s not just about wrongs or mistakes, but even stories about shenanigans we pulled as kids help them to see that we’re still okay, and the people who were in charge of us as kids still love us and care about us, and ultimately that we are acceptable because of who we are, not what we’ve done.

Scripted Apologies

• 30:11 Ben: There’s a bit of a backlash against telling kids to apologize immediately after doing something wrong because we don’t want our kids to be inauthentic when they apologize. I’m actually for scripted apologies, especially early on. As our kids develop, they are able to empathize and be more authentic, but before they are able to be fully authentic, we can teach them the language of apology as a framework that they will fill in with meaning later in life.
• 32:48 Here’s an example of the script:
  “I felt angry when you threw your shoe at my face. That’s why I yelled at you. That wasn’t a healthy way to tell you about my feelings. I’m sorry”

  I really like the precision of that language because it causes the person apologizing to take responsibility for their own feelings and resulting actions, it communicates that the person apologizing recognizes that their actions caused hurt in the other person, and it reinforces the idea that feelings are acceptable, but there are healthier ways to express those feelings. It’s good to teach our children how to take responsibility for their own emotions but it’s also good for them to realize that their actions can have an affect of the emotions of others.

Empathizing With the Hurt Others Are Experiencing

• 35:06 Rachel: A couple of days ago I came downstairs and the house was a mess, I had gotten a bunch of papers from the school and I was feeling overwhelmed and grouchy and was snapping at the kids a lot. I remember our six year old saying to me, “Mama, when you have you hair down, you’re really nice, but when it’s up in a ponytail, you’re really mean.” It made me really stop and think about how the way I was responding to them out of my feelings of being overwhelmed and not in control was hurtful. I had to live with that for a little bit before I was able to go and give them an authentic apology. That’s why I don’t make the kids go immediately and apologize to one another, because I wan’t them to have a chance to think about how their actions might have caused the other person to feel hurt.
• 37:14 Ben: When I’m talking about having our children walk through the script, I’m talking about the younger ones who haven’t yet learned empathy and aren’t capable of apologizing authentically. Certainly as our children get older it’s beneficial for them to have the space they need to be able to apologize from an authentic place. I need that as an adult sometimes if I don’t want to be defensive or give a false apology. A false apology is still coming from a place of defense. It’s not taking responsibility for our own feelings or actions. We want to demonstrate for our kids that we can take responsibility for the wrongs we’ve done, and it’s not going to take away our right to be the mother, father, son, or daughter in that relationship.
• 40:18 Rachel: This is a valuable lesson that our kids need to learn from us by our actions. They need to be able to have these interactions with us. And how powerful is it when you’re having a disagreement and it turns out your kid is right and you can admit that to them?

Apologizing Teaches That Emotions Are Okay

• 41:36 Ben: One of the most important lessons we can teach by apologizing to our children is that it’s okay to feel angry, or sad, or overwhelmed, or afraid, and though not every expression of these emotions is healthy, we can and should find healthy ways to express and work through our emotions. So many people are walking around stuffing their emotions because they think that expressing their emotions is going to somehow make them unacceptable. I can’t underscore the importance of this enough that feelings are not bad. We need to feel our feelings and grow in our ability to express our feelings in healthy ways without worrying that they are going to make us unacceptable.