Preparing Our Kids for Life’s Burdens

Insight of the Week

The Mishnah in Pirkeh Avot (3:5) cites the following teaching from Rabbi Nehunya Ben Ha’kaneh: כל המקבל עליו עול תורה, מעבירין ממנו עול מלכות ועול דרך ארץ. וכל הפורק ממנו עול תורה, נותנין עליו עול מלכות ועול דרך ארץ. Whoever accepts upon himself the yoke of Torah – the yoke of the government and the yoke of worldly needs are removed from him. And whoever removes from himself the yoke of Torah – the yoke of the government and the yoke of worldly needs are placed upon him. What exactly is the Mishnah’s message? How does this happen – that a person who accepts the burden of Torah is relieved of burdens which he would otherwise bear? To answer this question, let us revisit one of the most famous stories in the Tanach . Beneh Yisrael were fighting a war against a militarily superior enemy – the Pelishtim . The Pelishtim sent their general – a frightening giant named Golyat – to frighten and intimidate Beneh Yisrael . Each day, Golyat would approach Beneh Yisrael ’s encampment to frighten them. He would shout at them, challenging them to send someone to fight against him, and ridiculing them for being so weak and for waging a war they had no chance of winning. Finally, one day, a young, untrained youngster approached the king, Shaul, and said he was prepared to take on this giant, confident that he could defeat Golyat. Shaul asked him why he was so sure, and the boy explained that he worked as a shepherd tending to his father’s flocks, and there were times when lions and bears came to attack the sheep. He successfully fended them off, killing them. If he could kill the lions and bears, this boy confidently asserted, then he could kill Golyat, too. Shaul sent the boy to confront Golyat, and he killed the giant with his slingshot, sending a stone directly to Golyat’s forehead. This boy, of course, was David, who eventually became king. Let’s imagine for a moment what would have happened if Yishai, David’s father, decided that it was too dangerous for his young son to be out in the fields with the sheep. What would have happened if instead of sending David out there, with the all the risks that lurk, he overprotected him, giving him a safe, undemanding job indoors? David would never have gained the skills he needed to defeat Golyat. He would never have become the great general that he was, and he would not have then become the great king that he was. Parents do their children no favors by shielding them from challenges, from difficult situations, from disappointment. Because, as every single adult knows very well, life is full of challenges, difficult situations, and disappointment. While we of course need to protect our children from real danger, we must not protect them from the risk of failure and frustration. To the contrary, the only way they will develop the strength, toughness, and skills needed to persevere, to handle and overcome adversity, is by allowing them to experience adversity when they are young. If a kid brings him a failing grade on a test, the parent’s response should not be, “Ok, I’ll speak to the teacher and ask to go easier on you next time.” If a kid got into a fight, the parent’s response should not be, “Ok, I’ll call the other kid’s parents and work it out for you.” Absolutely, we must shower our kids with love, and show them that we support them unconditionally and are always trying to understand them. But we need to also allow them to take control of their problems, to learn to handle disappointment, and to grow accustomed to dealing with hardship. I once sat on a panel with an experienced school principal to discuss issues in education. A parent in the audience asked what to do when a kid comes home from school upset because he was cut from the basketball team. My co-panelist’s answer was, in my mind, brilliant. He said: “Let him realize that this is how life works. Sometimes you’re not as good as everyone else, and so you can’t play. Sometimes, other people will win, and you will lose.” This is the harsh reality of life, and something that parents must train their children to recognize. Let us return to the Mishnah cited above. The Mishnah is teaching us that there will always be an עול , a “yoke,” a burden. Life is full of burdens; there is no escaping it, no matter how smart, wealthy, or socially adept a person is. In order to prepare our children for these burdens, we place upon them the עול תורה , the burden of Torah obligation, already when they’re young. Before they go out into the world, before they experience real challenges and real hardships, we train them to accept and to submit to the “burden” of Torah. We set limits on their behavior, and we have them develop discipline and restraint. By training our children to accept the עול תורה , we make it so much easier for them later on, when they confront the עול מלכות ועול דרך ארץ , the inevitable burdens of life, which they will be fully prepared to confront. We hope and pray that Hashem make our children’s lives pleasant and smooth. But even as we pray, we are to prepare them for the realities of life by training them to yield to the עול תורה , to the obligations that the Torah assigns to us.