Episode 17 - Loving the F - Forbidden Oceans

Loving the F

In this Tuesday episode, I share my favorite quote by André Gide and how it shaped my life.

I also talk about a poem I wrote while in the thick of it. I hope that rather than lingering in the darkness of its sentiment - you will stand the hope of your many tomorrows.

You can find the untitled writing below.

Untitled

I'm depressed.

I don't want to do anything.

It feels like things just keep getting worse for me.

I keep holding out for justice, karma, even the tides to turn and... nothing.

It just keeps getting worse.

At school I'm experiencing moderate success.

Moderate.

At home...

At home I'm experiencing defeat.

Or at least it feels like defeat.

I'm afraid and tired.

Tired.

Afraid that the seeds of my labor are not taking root.

Tired because I stand alone.

Sometimes I think, "Disappear."

Other times I just want to kill myself.

I think, "Then maybe,

then maybe Ex will be sorry for how horrid he is to me.

Maybe then he'll feel guilt."

But he wouldn't.

He would chalk my suicide up to leaving the church and being a heathen.

Of course she'd kill herself.

He'd say to himself.

She no longer had the "gospel" in her life.

Gospel...

Ha!

More like brainwashing and foolery.

I asked a professor how I could do better.

He told me that I seem to always ask for permission.

That I need to be more confident in my work.

Confident.

How am I suppose to be confident?

And how do I explain myself without sounding like a whiny baby?

A pathetic, self-pitying woman?

I don't.

I can't.

So...

I keep moving forward.

Put one foot in front of the other.

Depressed I may be,

but even depression can't define me.

I'm more than this moment in time.

I'm more than anything Ex could tell himself about me.

I'm more than the need to have society tell me they're sorry.

I am more than even I believe.

And I know this for sure.

I know this because every time I push past the pain,

that I step outside of my comfort zone,

that I dare to reach for more and reject old dialogue,

I see the reflection of a woman I've not seen before.

I feel courage that didn't exist before.

I no longer have to endure the pain that plagued me before

because it no longer confounds me.

So I continue to wander the Sahara of my today.

Put one foot in front of the other,

praying that the oasis ahead

is not a mirage.

And that soon I'll be drinking

cool, crisp water

from a jeweled goblet

amongst those who took this journey

and won.

Those who earned the title,

"Captain of my ship, Master of my soul."

Those who cheer me from beyond my sight

and that I will someday call, "friend."

Until that time...

I will not quit.

By Melissa Allison