PL 040: How Ego Affects Your Results

Practice Life

What is ego? How does it affect our results? What can you do to work with your ego, and make changes that will change the results you see in your work and life? That’s where we are headed in this episode!

In This Episode

• Where results come from
• Ego is not bad and it is not the problem (here’s what is the problem…)
• Why you might care to explore your own ego
• Resources that have shaped my understanding of ego
• What ego is
• How it operates–the seven key principles
• Practical action–three possible actions you can take today

Listen Here

Where Do Results Come From?

I love asking this question in workshops, particularly to my business clients. A nervous chuckle will ripple through the room. After all, business people are all about results, right? So they should know, right? But they really aren’t so sure what the right answer is. Hence the nervous chuckle.

Where Results Come From

So I draw a simple diagram…

Results, in a circle. Behavior/Action in a circle below that. An arrow from Behavior to Results.

“But what is underneath Behavior/Action,” I ask?

More nervous chuckles.

I write Source in a circle below that. An upper arrow to Behavior.

Results are directly affected by Behavior. Behavior arises from Source.

But what is Source? Now there is a question for you. It is a bit of a mystery. Otto Scharmer, who first drew that diagram, says Source is “the inner place from which we operate.” That makes sense, but it gives you very little, right? So why I won’t pretend to fully understand Source, what I can say, from my own personal experience, is that for whatever Source is, Ego affects and influences it. In profound ways.

A Personal Example

In 2002 I was fired from my corporate job–let’s call that Result.

I was fired because I had a relationship at work that I shouldn’t have had–let’s call that Behavior/Action.

But… what was the Source of that?

I’m not a bad person. And, in fact, I believed–at that time–with all my heart I was in love. I felt justified.

But… what was the Source of that justification?

I spent a lot of years working on finding the answer to that question. In fact, it put me on this particular path, and has me writing and presenting this very podcast, doing this very work, and helping a lot of other people see what they haven’t been seeing.

I’ve not yet worked my way back to Source. But in the journey towards it, I’ve learned a lot about my Ego. And, whatever Source actually is, I know that Ego can distort it. Significantly.

In ways I didn’t know, couldn’t see and couldn’t possibly control–ego was in control. I’m using an extreme example for effect. But it is in play for all of us, almost all the time, which brings me to my next point…

Ego Is Not Bad and It is Not the Problem

Ego is a very necessary part of us. Ego helps me function in the day to day world. Yours helps you, too. It has kept me safe for years. It helps me be safe today. Yours tries to keep you safe, too.

So the problem is not ego itself. The problem arises when you do not know your ego, when you haven’t brought it into the light of day. You can actively work with your ego, know it, heal it and therefore tame it.

The trouble comes when you ignore it, don’t work with it, and then abandon the running of your life to it. And, that is where most people are at. They haven’t turned to face it. They’ve not actively engaged it. They don’t even know to. Therefore, to all intents and purposes, they do not know it.

Said another way, the problem is lack of presence. The lack of moment to moment, nonjudgmental awareness. It is not the ego’s fault when you do not have have awareness, when your lamp is not lit. In fact, it attempts to keep you safe when you are not aware. So the point here is not that ego is bad.

But it is a bad idea to not know it, and then let what you don’t know run your life. It will sometimes cause Behavior that does not produce the Results you want.

Why Should You Care?

I gave an extreme personal example, the likes of which I hope never happen to you. But ego is much more “everyday” than that.

Often we do things or act in ways that–in hindsight–we regret. Such as we say something that hurts someone.

Often we fail to do things we know are needed, good, true and right. Such as we avoid a difficult conversation.

Ego is at play here.

So the reason you should care is that if you are serious about:

• personal development,
• becoming adept at relationships,
• excelling at small group cooperation, and/or
• the results you produce and the impact you have on the people and the world around you…

… your progress can be limited until you come to know your ego.

A Little Context

Flow — I think most of us have had an experience where something much bigger than us was experienced by us or came through us.

I had such an experience driving through Montana, alone, years ago. The experience is hard to put into words. But let’s just say the world stopped for a brief time, and I saw a truth that forever changed my life. I will never forget that experience, and to this point of my life, it has been the single most amazing, transcendent and magical experience.

Then, there’s the flip of that…

Thud — I think most of us have had an experience where we were shocked at the harm we did.

I had just such an experience two weeks ago, where I said something hurtful to a long-time friend. I was having a difficult conversation with this person, and it was going well. And then, arising out of some dark depth in a flash, I said something totally unnecessary and so hurtful my friend winced. It shot past me so fast, came from such a place of pain, that it startled me.

So what is the difference between Flow and Thud?

• One is our “higher self,” and the other our “lower self”
• The lower self is ego.
• And that is where most of us spend most of our time.

So if you want more Flow and less Thud, it is good to understand the ego in general, and yours in particular. From hereon, I’m going to refer to ego as “lower self.”

What Informs and Influences What I Am Sharing?

First and foremost–and I truly mean that–I am sharing my experience.

But there are three bodies of work that have shaped my thinking:

• Eckhardt Tolle’s work: And most specifically, his book The Power of Now
• Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson’s Enneagram work: Specifically, their Psychic Structures / Inner Critic Workshop and their book Understanding the Enneagram
• George Gurdjieff’s work: Specifically, as recounted by Peter Ouspensky in his book In Search of the Miraculous

What Is the Lower Self (Eg0)?

It isn’t a thing, though it is often referred to as an “apparatus.”

• Definition of apparatus — “a complex structure within an organization or system.”

Within the “organization or system” of a human being you have:

• The physical body / instinctual aspect
• The emotional aspect
• The mental aspect

In a perfected human being, those aspects have been brought into proper balance. As you can probably guess, you don’t come across a lot of people with that state in a given day.

The vast majority of human beings are far from balanced in these three aspects. That’s way a lot of unbalanced things are happening around us the world, all the time. When you see it for what it is, it is a miracle that it is not actually a lot worse out there.

Looked at from one perspective, if you are doing personal development, self-mastery, growing, healing or whatever… all these different sounding things are one thing–bringing those three bodies towards balance. That’s why Sara and I are so keen on our work, and sharing information like this with you.

Let’s go back to my Montana example–what happened was a temporary shift towards balance of those three aspects–instinctual, emotional and mental. I do know exactly how I did it, or if I did it at all, but shift it did. Literally the way I was seeing changed. While I was not seeing with my physical eyes, I was seeing. The three aspects temporarily moved and configured in a slightly different way, I saw differently. I wish I could explain this more, but words fail it and me.

But the net is this: as the three lower aspects of us humans–physical, emotional and mental–move towards balance, the Higher Self can shine through. But that is not my normal state, and it is likely not yours.

So, if you think of your Higher Self as the Master, the Master is usually not home. A child is running the household, figuratively speaking. Doing the best it can without the direction of the much more experienced adult. Thus, my normal state and yours is a state of relative imbalance, and therefore disequilibrium. This is a vulnerable spot to be in–and the lower self comes into play and does what it can.

The lower self keeps us safe–relatively–while we are in this vulnerable state of disequilibrium.

Back to the “apparatus” notion…

Imagine the three aspects–physical, emotional, mental–as three overlapping circles, with a common point of overlap. That would be the perfected human being. Where those three overlap, that is the portal through which the Higher Self descends onto or into this dense physical plane we live on. The lamp is lit, so to speak.

There is a scripture, “…if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light.” This for me captures the feeling of these three aspects coming into balance, towards at-one-ment with one another, in effect, single… And the Light streaming in.

In a regular human being, imagine the three circles, all different sizes, and drifted apart–not touching. Imagine that a connective tissue forms that holds those three together so they don’t drift too far apart, and attempts to keep them in some form of communication and relationship with one another. That, figuratively though not technically, is the lower self, the ego. It is holding things together until we bring the three aspects back into balance. Some people never do this. But almost every person alive, can.

Ego Diagram

How Does the Lower Self Operate?

The following seven things apply until you know your lower self, and how it operates, and can contain it. This is very important to understand. Awareness and lower self are inversely proportional. One person who sustains a higher level of awareness in general will tend to have a less problematic lower self than another person whose awareness tends to be, on the average, lower.

So these seven things do not always apply: but to most people–until they have “done sufficient work”–they will apply.

There are a couple of things we can say right off the bat about the lower self:

1. It is a rules-based engine. Do this and you will be safe, do that and bad stuff will happen.
2. The rules were laid down at a very early age. (Like a lot them, from age zero to five, even.)
3. It is fear-based–It is constantly scanning for danger.

So… think back a few clicks. I said, the Master is not home. A child is running the household. Do you see why I used that analogy?

The lower self is a fear-based, rules engine laid down in early childhood.

Quite literally, many of us are accompanied in and throughout our adult years by an apparatus of rules laid down at a very early age.

AND WE ARE NOT AWARE OF IT.

That’s the clincher.

But there are a couple more things to say about it:

4. The Lower Self is never operating (destructively, anyway) in the present moment–it is always in the past, or the future. Lower self and total presence are mutually exclusive.

Ego is a dysfunctional relationship with the present moment.” Eckhart Tolle

5. It “feeds” regularly on problems. (Problems it often causes, directly or indirectly.) Drama, challenge, threat. It lives for these things. That keeps it in a job. So firmly rooted, so hidden, that most people don’t even realize it is there. In effect, the fire chief is the arsonist.

6. It is negative and critical. It is critical of us, and critical of others. It thrives on maintaining the appearance of separativeness–meaning, “it is us against the world.” It is the inner critic that chastises us. It is the part of us that judges others as less than (or better than) us.

7. It is tightly connected to two other concepts–our view of the world and our internal dialogue.

• The fears of the lower self are based on assumptions, beliefs, biases, prejudices, preferences. These shape and define our view of the world.
• These assumptions and beliefs are largely unconscious and therefore untested, and many are incomplete, situationally true, or outright distorted.
• Our internal dialogue is the sum-total of our thoughts and emotions that uphold our view of the world. (This one statement warrants an episode.)

That’s quite a bit, isn’t it?

1. It is a rules-based engine.
2. The rules were laid down at a very early age.
3. It is fear-based .
4. It is never in the present moment.
5. It “feeds” regularly on problems. (Problems it causes–directly or indirectly.)
6. It is negative and critical.
7. It is tightly connected to our view of the world and our internal dialogue.

The lower self will never find the satisfaction it is seeking through its own doing. It cannot. We can only ever find lasting satisfaction in the present moment, and the present moment is never available to it. However, when the Master comes home, the child can feel safe and contained. Satisfaction for the lower self comes through the lamp being lit, and the hearth safe. It, however, does not know this. That’s your job.

Back to our definition–apparatus–”a complex structure within an organization or system.” Would it be fair to say this is a complex structure? I think so. And it is holding things together in our lives until the Master comes home, doing its best to keep us safe and hold it together. And for that we should be grateful.

Now, knowing that is going on in you and in me, is there any question why:

• We are so hard on ourselves?
• We are so hard on others?
• We are so scared much of the time?
• We feel unlovable?
• We have such a tenuous relationship with nature and the world around us?
• We struggle in our relationships?
• Groups of people become so dysfunctional?
• Our “results” (however we each define that), aren’t what we want them to be?

We don’t have true relationships–not with ourselves, not with spirit, not with others. We are egos having relationships with other egos, wondering why it is all such a struggle.

Gosh, all that sounds like a bummer, right? But take heart. There is a way out.

Practical Action (a.k.a. What’s the Way Out?)

There is not just one way out. But here are three possibilities. Let’s start here:

1. You cannot change what you do not observe, so become a master at observing how your own ego operates.

Be like a cat watching a mouse hole.” Eckhart Tolle

How do you do that?

Start with accepting as a testable, working hypothesis that you have an apparatus within you that is running the show, and you haven’t been aware of it.

Then, take the stance. Take responsibility for it. Set the intent to notice it, and to become a master at self-observation.

Here are several small tips that have helped me along the way.

How do you know that lower self is at play?

• Anytime you are resisting
• Anytime you are defending
• Anytime you are judging
• Anytime your internal state is negative
• Anytime you are feeling the unsatisfactoriness of life in general or your life in particular.

That’s your red flag. When any of those states arise within you, start observing! Turn on the lights, press record on the video camera.

But what do you then observe?

First–and this is extremely important–start with noticing how you are feeling in your physical body. It all starts there. And, for quite some time, it may be all you can do to simply do that. The physical sensations alone can be quite unsettling, and so you have to develop a tolerance for them. Give yourself time to do this.

Why start with the body? Because you need a stable seat from which to do the next step. In effect, once you “seat” your awareness in present moment in your body, you then have a base from which to operate. Can you get a feeling for the importance of that? Good. So what’s next?

Notice your internal dialogue–the thoughts and emotions circling in you in that situation or challenge. At first, you may have to do this in retrospect. After the situation. One of my teachers called this recapitulation. Literally, putting myself back in that experience as if it were occurring in the present moment–feeling the feelings in my body, scanning for what was going on around me, feeling my emotions and thoughts… experiencing it as if I were there.

As you gain experience, self knowledge, discipline and what could only be called personal power, you will be able to move from doing the reflection in hindsight, to doing it real-time. Things get particularly exciting then! You literally gain the capacity to chose your response rather to simply repeat and re-act from your conditioned responses–from the rules of your lower self.

Then start probing at the assumptions implied by what you are thinking and emoting. This can be a bit bracing, for two reasons. Firstly, you will see that you are not seeing reality straightforwardly. In other words, what you assumed to be real simply isn’t. Secondly, at some point it will occur to you that you are not seeing reality at all: instead, you are assembling it. (Another big concept that warrants yet another episode.)

In other words, in this last stage, you become a master at noticing yourself in the act of perception, during the moment you are perceiving. Simple to say, hard to do. And I’ve said quite a bit, to give you a full picture. So let’s bring it back to simple.

Just remember this starting point:

1. Take your stand–take on the hypothesis of lower self being active in you, and set intent to notice it and learn from it.

2. Use the red flags–resistance, defensiveness, judging, negatively, irritation, unsatisfactoriness, etc., and

3. Start noticing how you are feeling in the moment in your body after a red flag goes up. That’s it. Master that, and then move through the additional stages I outlined above.

So here’s an easier assignment…

2. Study the Enneagram to find out how your egoic apparatus operates.

Take the $12 Full RHETI Enneagram assessment at www.enneagraminstitute.com. That will enable you to determine your type.

Then read Understanding the Enneagram by Russ Hudson and Don Richard Riso. You will learn quite an excellent basic framework for understanding how your lower self operates. That gives you quite a “leg up” on learning about, coming to know, and being able to observe your own ego. (It also serves the benefit of helping you realize you are not the only one who is “screwed up,” and may tend to usher in both some compassion for your self and for others. Greet that with gratitude, by the way. A little compassion for your self and others can go a long way!)

3. Do the other practices we’ve been covering over 39 episodes.

I’ll take you back to where we began. Any true act of growth is healing, and as you heal you bring the three aspects towards balance.

But the bottom line for me is this–while you can ultimately “get there” through all the other practices, understanding how the ego works gives you a profound “leg up” on your development efforts. And that is what I most hope occurs to you as a result of this episode.

I hope you have found this episode helpful, and please pass it along to anyone you feel might be interested or may benefit from this topic. Thank you!

P.S. Sara asked me a question during the episode about the work I am doing with a client in their efforts to become a “Deliberately Developmental Organization,” and how this relates to “ego.” I will not recount that here as it is recorded in the episode. But I said I would put a link in these show notes to Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey’s upcoming book, An Everyone Culture.

I had the privilege and pleasure of reading an early draft, and it is without reservation that I say that is the one of the most important business books of our time. (And it pertains not only to business, believe me.) Their coverage of the three stages of adult development, and their description of how to create the four column map I talked through in the episode is alone worth the price of admission!

You can pre-order it now on Amazon and receive a copy in February 2016. The official release date is March 1, 2016.