Episode 63: Healing your Relationship with Your Parents with Ivy Kwong

Project Voice

Jessica Nguyen sits down with Ivy Kwong to talk about navigating the healing process individuals may have to go through with their family, particularly their parents. After talking about her own personal experience, Ivy shares tactics to help people heal and foster healthier relationships with their parents.

Ivy touches upon how growing up as a child of immigrants from China and Hong Kong, she felt that she constantly had to constantly switch back and forth between two cultures–home was China while school was America. Having to straddle between these two worlds, she often was shocked at how her experience with family was so different than that of her American friends. She struggled to seek validation, approval, and love from her parents who gave conditional love only when she was succeeding. She often had to walk on eggshells within a household that didn’t process and talk about emotions. Ivy comes to realize that this emotional repression leads her to turn the anger she feels toward her parents against herself.

As Ivy starts to unpack all of the trauma she experienced in her childhood, she talks about the importance of healing oneself first before any rebuilding of familial relationships can occur. Guilt and shame are powerful and manipulative tools that one needs to recognize and acknowledge, especially when formulating one’s boundaries. Ivy touches upon how to recognize when your boundaries have been violated and goes into talking about you have to be in touch with your own boundaries before you are able to enforce them. We teach people how to treat us and we get to choose how we respond to the way that people treat us.

The podcast rounds off with Ivy talking about how her work as a marriage and family therapist has allowed her to help address trauma that gets passed on from generation to generation. As individuals go through healing, they learn to trace the root of their trauma, helping older generations also go through the healing process. In a way, doing the work to help the older generations heal is a way of recognizing and paying back the sacrifice our elders have made for us to be in this position of privilege. It is important to remember that this healing process is ongoing and non-linear, and that a lot of time “you have to go through a lot of fuck yous before you get to forgive yous.”

Ivy Kwong, LMFT offers culturally sensitive psychotherapy and coaching services specializing in recovery from codependency, Asian and Asian-American mental health issues, and healing from intergenerational and ancestral trauma.

Website: https://www.bareivy.com/ Facebook: @BareIvy Instagram: @bareivy Twitter: @BareIvy

IVY KWONG is a first-generation Asian-American woman who was born to Chinese immigrant parents and raised in the Midwest. She is a survivor of childhood and adult sexual trauma, a codependent/people-pleaser in recovery, the founder of BareIvy.com, a workshop and retreat leader, and an author, speaker, and coach. She has over 14 years of experience as a psychotherapist in private practice specializing in recovery from codependency, Asian and Asian-American mental health issues, and healing from intergenerational and ancestral trauma. She recently finished her first book featuring a little Asian-American girl as the main character entitled "The Little Girl, The Ocean, and The Moon." It is a children's book written for adults, encouraging you to remember and to honor your childhood dreams. Ivy is available for in-person therapy in Seattle WA, for online therapy sessions in WA and CA, and for online thera-coaching (a blend of treatment involving elements of both therapy and coaching) worldwide

Kickstarter: The Little Girl, The Ocean, and The Moon: A Children's Book

Summary by Joanne Nguyen