When Garak walks in on Dr. Bashir during a holosuite session, he witnesses a level of prurience that was best kept private. But when lives depend on their ability to keep the session going, they’ll have to think about a baseball program to maintain their edge. Why does Bashir choose “easy” difficulty? How do you tell the difference between sati ...…

When Worf teams up with Dax and Kor to liberate a Klingon relic from the GQuad, his life suddenly feels like it has a purpose. But when that selfsame relic starts to exhibit One Ring-like properties, it’s anyone’s guess who will survive their long trip in the Star Trek Caves. How are we supposed to keep track of Worf’s pariah status? What’s the ...…

When Quark gets a new RV from his cousin, he decides his first drive should be a road trip taking Nog to college. But when a blowout leaves them stranded in an unfamiliar place, their timing couldn’t be worse. What should you always wash after buying from a garage sale? How quickly can a person absorb the entire history of human kind? When do y ...…

When the Little D can’t advance in the game without doing an escort mission, they descend into a submarine trope salad to hunt some ticks. But when a Disaster level of crew separation takes place, it might fall to Quark to save the ship. What’s the best holiday to eat a Canada goose? Why is Hanok so thirsty for surrender? How do you serve up Ca ...…

When a lover from Dax’s past visits Deep Space Nine, the rest of the crew expects some tension between them. But after their scientific collaboration results in personal fireworks, they’ll have to decide if imperiling their futures as Trill symbiotes is worth the risk. What is average, really? How do you turn crying into kissing? What would “Se ...…

When a familiar face brings Kira news from the scrap yard, she’s back on a cold case from before the end of the occupation. But when the Cardassians catch wind of the news, she’ll have to team up with Dukat to beat up some Storm Troopers. Should you give musical instruments to your friend’s children? How do you tell the difference between guts ...…

When Worf notices a bootleg Morn, he begins to slip into his bad security habits. But when O’Brien and Bashir get taken prisoner by some Jem’Hadars, finding a cure for bad habits might be the only way the Doctor can save them. What are the steps in Ketracel Anonymous? What’s the downside for Chief O’Brien of being able to skip all those banquet ...…

When Ben Sisko vanishes in a freak workplace accident, his son Jake is left without anyone to hug. But when a much older Jake jumps at the chance to change the past, he must be willing to o destroy his present, and with it the writing career he’s always wished for. Are costumes clothes? What rhymes with “gardener”? Does a television set need a ...…

When the Klingons’ plan of “Stop, Frisk, and Blood Test” raises the tensions near the wormhole, Worf must find out their true motivations before it’s too late. But with Gowron personally leading the armada, Sisko must depend on guile (as well as a DS9’s newly installed torpedo launchers) to repel their attack. What’s the one thing NOT worth wai ...…

When the Little D is deployed to the frontier of the federation, nobody is initially suspicious that Jake Sisko seems to now be a Starlfleet Admiral. But when aliens we’ve never heard of threaten war with the Federation, it’s the diplomats you really have to be worried about. Is the Defiant on its way to Vertiform City? Why does Eddington want ...…

When Jadzia Dax assembles her friends for a symbiote bar mitzvah, everyone is invited. But when some guests overstay their welcome, it’s up to Dax to convince Kerzon that the party’s over. What’s the most boring video game? Which actor may be “too scary for tv”? Does Darien Wallace fuck? It’s the episode where we did it on the first take!…

When Kira is confronted with the prospect of the most awful person possible becoming the head of her planet’s government, that news comes with a mission from that same awful person. But when she tries to repo some farm equipment from her old terror cell, it’s more than just pizza ovens in peril. What character in Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure was mos ...…

When a secret investment scheme by Quark’s mother is laid bare, it makes everybody else in her family uncomfortable. But when a freighter captain visits DS9, it’s apparent to everyone that Commander Sisko is looking to give her docking ring preferential treatment. What is dumb for a Ferengi? Do tomatoes have cores? Where’s Leeta in all of this? ...…

When a bend-at-the-waist hug, leads to a father/son sailing trip, the Sisko men get to cranking. But when the adventure threatens to provoke a diplomatic incident, they’ll have to keep their new hobby in a bottle. Why is Dax cock-blocking Bashir? What’s a super comfy long-term sleeping solution? Can Chief O’Brien get “I love you, man” drunk? Ro ...…

When Enabran Tain devises a military strategy straight out of the Admiral Hanson playbook, the fight does not go well. But when their plan to splash the Founders puddle gets them all wet, Garak must choose between escaping with his friend or going down with the ship. How do you pronounce Enabran? What do you do when you have too much bag? Are y ...…

When an attempt is made on Garak’s life, it’s not just tailoring paraphernalia that gets blown out into the open. But when the Cardassian spy stops dissembling and the Tal Shiar stops playing chess, the potential conflict takes on a Spaceball One sense of scale. Is Quark finally fulfilling his debt to society? How big a threat are the Romulans ...…

When Commander Sisko gets taken to the Mirror Universe, he makes strong choices w/r/t “the right thing to do” vs. “the Mirror Universe thing to do.” But when confronted face to face with his Prime Dead wife, his mission begins to suffer from a case of performance anxiety. Is the human brain capable of grappling with the sexual morality of multi ...…

When Garak is in the midst of soundly defeating Bashir in a round of Birthday Chess, Quark introduces a scary man to the doctor. But when that man goes rummaging in Bashir’s personal space, that space turns out to be more personal than he originally bargained for. How many boba teas did Altovar drink during production? What distinguishes good h ...…

When Chief O’Brien gets irradiated, the side effects are disorienting. But when his premonitions predict danger for DS9, he’ll have to rely on the only person he can trust: himself. How dangerous is the ceremonial garter throw? Is Sisko Kira’s “work husband”? Could Wyatt Miller be involved? It’s the episode that just puts a patch on the blowout.…

When a mysterious stranger gives Quark blue oomox (bluemox? bloomox?), the ne’erdowell bartender is forced to room with Rom. But when the Nagus makes Maihar’du cry, Quark will risk everything to get Zek addicted to snuff again. Are we ever going to stop hearing about these stem bolts? Do Star Trek’s various giant, silent valet characters ever h ...…

When Cardassian scientists arrive on DS9 with a plan to communicate through the wormhole, it’ll take more than a Bajoran with a picket sign to stop Commander Sisko’s mission. But when prophecy turns into reality, O’Brien and the Cardassians must work past their differences in order to save the day. How many Peck’s Bad Boy films are in the Marve ...…

When Kira and Odo borrow a Starfleet runabout they get stuck doing Starfleet work. But when the mission turns into a crisis, Odo will have to decide if he believes Kira’s performance. Does Odo have a butt? Which side of the iron curtain is the best venue for metamorphosis humor? Does O’Brien have a kayak kink? It’s the episode that adds a fifth ...…

When an age appropriate love interest for Jake Sisko appears looking for a date, it’s love at first sight. But when the A story starts publicly humiliating the B story at the dinner table, the crew of DS9 is left stuck with the bill. Does the Kai have upgrade status on Bajoran transport ships? Are interstellar geopolitics a part of a healthy me ...…

When Ghosts and Gimme’s team up to take over the DMV, initially only the Dims will support their cause. But when the Defiant starts to drain its supply of time travel particles, the Chief rolls a three-sided dice. What are good demands when you’ve got that big hostage energy? Are hippies weird or high? Where’s the soot? It’s the episode we reco ...…

When a freak transporter accident disappears Commander Sisko, Dr. Bashir and Dax, Chief O’brien is a little concerned. But when the away team appears at a critical time in the past, the death of a crucial historical figure has them scrambling to save the timeline. Is Brenner Information Systems a part of the Terminator movie universe? What’s th ...…

When a couple of the crew welcome their long-absent lovers back, everyone’s favorite ambassador to hate crashes the festival. But when the polarity of the station’s boners is reversed, only the passionless Doctor Bashir can save the day. How much coffee should you drink before sex? Is Bajor’s spiritual homogeneity the product of a horrifying an ...…

When the Federation’s most popular commander beams aboard DS9 for a little R&R, the crew believes he’ll be making the station his own personal Risa. But after he starts throwing the D around too aggressively, the most sensitive parts of the galaxy are in danger of being punished. Where can you get a dope-ass tamale? Is Cal Hudson’s true legacy ...…

While trekking in the gQuad, Sisko and the gang encounter a disappearing reappearing planet whose inhabitants Dax finds very bonable. But while her relationship with one of the locals flowers, back at on the station, Quark’s depravity takes a turn for the worse. Does the Defiant need a dongle to disappear? Why is the makeup department neglectin ...…

When Chief O’brien trips DS9’s security system, the station’s car alarm triggers a very hostile form of lockdown. But when the crew get covered in “buts,” they may have to collaborate with an unlikely ally. Are there ANY new poop euphemisms? Why would anyone wear their communicator in an anti-Hudson configuration? Is embarrassment lethal? It’s ...…

When a familiar purple haired lady returns to the station to fool Quark twice, he takes the bait and brings more than just shame on himself. But when part of the acquisition becomes Odo’s charge, the station’s safety will have to rest on the Lycine Contingency. Is Sisko’s parenting style inspired by Larry Miller? Do clothes make the man, and if ...…

When Major Kira is given an unwanted makeover, her aestheticians give her the hard sell on accepting her new look. But when she begins to question their motivations, she’ll have to depend on those she hates the most to get her out of this mess. How do you defend against a “look dunk”? What are the seats you should choose for your wife on an air ...…

When Jadzia whips out some treacly keyboard skills at a dinner party, she puts the Siskos in an awkward position. But as her life turns into a bad episode of Fool Us with Penn and Teller, it starts to seem like Dax may have forgotten more than just her level of musical proficiency. Which host is in the pocket of Big Pun? Are Dax and Sisko chess ...…

When Keiko quits her job, Chief O’Brien must throw out the manual in order to fix the problems in their relationship. Meanwhile, after Quark gets into a bar fight with a drunk, his punishment requires that he defend himself both physically and mathematically. How can you tell if it’s a split diopter shot? What does Minkus look like today? Who i ...…

When Odo finally discovers Planet Bucket, his curiosity takes the form of an interrogation of his goopy species. But when the rest of the gang returns to the station, they find the Federation negotiating a peace treaty that’s even worse than the one they have with the Cardassisans. Does a golden handshake count as watersports? Do Bunkbed Mark I ...…

When midlife crisis Ben Sisko rolls up to the station in his brand new ride, he can’t wait to show the crew what’s so special under the hood. But when he invites them on a trip around the block with him to show it off, the feedback from their neighbors is surprising. Where do we stand on Big Almond? How do we verify if “Scepter is Authentic”? W ...…

When Nog and Quark barge into a Sisko family vacation, Jake insists they tune the radio to the Ferengi station. But when their Gamma Quadrant camping trip brings them in contact with two brand new kinds of alien, we set aside comedic things and head into the darkness. Do Commanders get shallower deep-Vs than Captains? Is that lady using a prodi ...…

When Chief O’brien has his vacation plans derailed by the Cardassians, he goes from runabout seat to dentist’s chair in short order. But after his lackluster accommodations on Cardassia Prime are relayed back to Commander Sisko, it’s up to the crew of DS9 to get him rebooked elsewhere. Is there an “Alexander Bubble”? What are the three rules of ...…

When Vedek Bareil gets a powerful Kai Election, Kira gets fairly hot under the collar. But when Vichy allegations start getting tossed around liberally, the Bajoran Papacy might go to someone who can cause Keiko some real problems. How do you pronounce a French thing? How could we have made that Michael Dukakis photo-op worse? Is wet leather an ...…

When Major Kira and Doctor Bashir get a flat tire while going through the wormhole, the nearest exit takes them to a place that looks like home. But when they arrive, they find O’Brien responding to his life in the same way he always has. What can’t you give away in prison? Is Bashir just a dorky Dad? Is John Roderick from the Mirror Universe? ...…

When a headache seems more serious than normal, Garak’s traditional evasiveness begins to stand in the way of Bashir’s ability to keep him alive. But when the doctor goes on a B & E to help his friend, he may end up condemning the tailor to a life of pure misery. Why doesn’t Dax manscape her house plants? Does Quark have a nonstick coating on t ...…

When Calvin Hudson walks Commander Sisko through his plan to leave the Federation, his fugitive turn has implications that will last well past laundry day. But when Gul Dukat rides shotgun for the mission to bring him to justice, Sisko’s allegiances become complicated. What is the unified theory of non-Starfleet uniforms? Why are there so many ...…

When Male-Pattern-Baldness-Barclay commits an act of terrorism, Station Commander Sisko hits the road with an old frenemy. But when everyone in the DMZ starts using cheat codes, loyalties are tested and well-treated prisoners are dying. What is Cal Hudson telegraphing with that low com badge placement? Does Gul Dukat have resting threat voice? ...…

When the Klingon chapter of the Dead Sons Club holds a meeting on DS9, Dax goes way back with some of the board members. But when the plan for the next meeting leads to a far away planet and a Scarface-like enemy, it forces her to choose between her career at Starfleet and an oath to her friends. Which X-Men side-scroller character are you? Wha ...…

When their brand new ship takes a lot of body damage, some radical Cardassians put in at the station for a buff-out. But when the pilot turns out to be an old friend of Quark’s, his interest in her becomes more than academic. What does Quark get out of giving oral? Is ‘bloody dress’ a fashion statement or a metaphor? Could Odo ever safely imper ...…

When a new arrival is greeted on DS9, he is warmly welcomed by everyone except for the person he’s there to see. But when a rodent infestation starts kicking the crew’s butts, the issue becomes a problem for more than just the food service vendors on the promenade. Why does anyone go “full Geordi” anymore? Should we take the mono-myth back to t ...…

When Dax and Odo find a techno-donut, it’s only the first clue in a very Star Trek mystery. Back on the station, Jake gets his first job and Quark tries to job Kira while Vedek Bareil tries to get a job of his own. Could Odo Riker an ankylosaur? Why are the Bjorans so willing to give up the jumja? What’s a good ratio of walls to holes? It’s the ...…

When Sisko and O’Brien discover a crashed freighter on a desolate planet, they find the hat enthusiast survivors have formed a society around their unhinged leader. But when they discover that hotboxing is being used as a form of punishment, it’s up to O’Brien to discover the secret of why no one can escape. Do Adam and Ben need an eye exam? Wh ...…

When O’Brien comes home from a security conference hosted by warring Gamma Quadrant aliens whose names are hard to remember, he falls victim to the classic dangers inherent to all Starfleet convention goers. But when his relationship with Keiko gets back into its old groove, he realizes that something is very wrong. What’s the exchange rate of ...…

When an alien race that REALLY doesn’t like Shake Weights decides to liquidate their gym, Dr. Bashir and Chief O’Brien are there to help. But when those in charge want to change the scope of the project, it’s up to Commander Sisko to take a break from his buffet long enough to investigate the matter. Who are the “Geordi & Data of DS9”? What is ...…

A doctor to whom Odo bears a striking family resemblance arrives on Deep Space Nine with a gift-wrapped mystery for his former lab animal. But when the team’s road trip to Planet Bucket unleashes a gassy banger, it’s not clear which member of the away team gets the worst side-effects. What’s the best drug to take when listening to the Melota Re ...…