Episiode 8 "My Defects Became My Assets" - Special Guest Amber Frazier

The Lose Control Podcast

Amber serves as a peer support specialist at a recovery community organization and she serves on the South Carolina Harm Reduction Coalition Political Affairs committee. Harm Reduction is a health centered approach that focuses on public health and safety. Examples of harm reduction we use in everyday life can be a seat belt, hard hat, life jacket, and oxygen. Examples of harm reduction in the community of recovery and for people who use drugs can vary; it includes naloxone, fentanyl and xylazine testing strips, education on safer IV use, providing sterile supplies, and policy change. Harm Reduction is the practice of unconditional love for people who use drugs.

“My drug use began when I was in 8thgrade. I was the quite shy girl and I wanted to fit in. It started with alcohol, cigarettes, inhalants, and drug use games," says Amber. By the time she finished high school she was using everyday. Her dad was a local politician, her mom was going through breast cancer, and this was all in the eye of the public.

“Everything I was experiencing, my community knew about. It wasn’t a pretty divorce. My dad cheated on my mom, I felt abandoned and like I was not good enough for him to stay. I remember the exact moment that my use changed. After my parents sat me down to tell me that they were getting a divorce I went to my friends to process and talk about it, I did not like the way I was feeling so I left. After the news of my parents separation I started misusing my prescription medications and started to drink heavily, and eventually turned to illicit drugs.

In her early 20s she recognized she was “overdoing” her drug use, she says, “For so long I was telling myself I was young, having fun, and everyone was doing it. But everyone was not fighting, getting locked up, suicidal, running their friends over with their cars, yet I couldn’t identify as someone with a substance use disorder because of the way society painted that picture.”

She’s come to realize that this disorder does not discriminate, and recognize she needed to do something different, and decided the solution was to settle down, start a family and do what society expected.

“I ended up in a relationship with someone who shared a substance use disorder and down the line made the switch from stimulants, hallucinogens, and alcohol to opiates. I remember when I first tried an opiate, at the time my partner said it would be cheaper than a bar tab and that made perfect sense to me. We stayed in a relationship with each other for about 5 years and throughout our time together I became fully dependent on my partner. I couldn’t hold a job, I couldn’t pay for our responsibilities, and I couldn’t pay for our habit.”

At the end of her relationship her partner ended up leaving, and Amber was left with financial responsibilities, mental and emotional responsibilities, and a habit that she had to figure out how she was going to support. She introduced Amber to the methadone clinic because it was working for her.

Amber describes more of her journey:

In the beginning of my journey on MAT my intentions were not pure, it was essentially a safe supply. From 2015 to 2017 I was still engaging in stimulants and alcohol but stayed away from opiates. During this time period I was able to gain some things back, mostly my independence. I was working in service industry, which was not a healthy environment for me. At the end of 16 going into 17 I lost my job serving and bartending and went to work for my dad in construction. This gave me the accountability I needed. At the time I was living in a not so good neighborhood in a run down home.

I started my own cleaning business and was able to keep up with my responsibilities. In 2019 I started my mental health journey and was medicated. I moved into my own place by myself and the one friendship I had at the time ended. I was alone in this journey and that was hard. I heard about 12 step recovery before but never really tried it so I thought what the hell, it can go one of two ways; good or bad. It ended up being a good thing for me, I got that sense of community and felt heard and not so alone. I shared with this 12 step community that methadone was helping my recovery process, that did not go over well for me. I was shamed and told my recovery was not valid, that sucked and I felt isolated. I did find a group of people who didn’t have this misunderstanding and I didn’t feel so alone again. I shared what happened to me with a member and he asked me, what my intentions were on the medication, to be well or be high? The was profound to me because by that time my intentions were to be well.

I was still harassed and excluded by some members but shut them out, it still made a negative impact on my self worth and self acceptance but I stayed because that’s all that I knew was available and I still got some sense of community. I did always feel like I was an outcast. I stayed in the 12 step community from 2019 to 2023. As my role of peer support developed I came to understand substance use disorder and realized that there are multiple pathways to recovery.”

Today I have a relationship with my family, in my active use I was so angry and sad and did not care for a relationship with my dad. Today the relationship we have is better than it was before. I get to show up for my family, friends, and community. I’m ok with me! I’m ok to advocate for my mental and medical needs. I have a sense of peace and understanding – I’ve learned that things are not so black and white. I get to participate in community events and am part of something bigger than myself – a movement for people who use drugs to be seen and heard! Today I have hard conversations on stigmatizing subjects, I can understand both sides. I’m not afraid to speak up for the unspoken, the “discarded”, mistreated, and overlooked. I’ve turned some of my “defects” into assets, I use them to advocate for others! I’m proud of that!

My most significant achievement is my courage to speak out about my medication assisted treatment, specifically methadone. Something that is widely misunderstood and judged, some of the harshest critics are those in recovery.