What do you do if your spouse decides they need to work on themselves... and then they may (or may not) be willing to work on the marriage? What do you do if your spouse just refuses to work on your marriage?That is the question of the week, asked by Sam. He said his wife wants to better herself. Then, maybe she would address the marriage.As part o…

Connection is so important for a marriage. When connection is cut off, the relationship falters. When a marriage is disconnected, the marriage is at risk.But many people think they are connecting... and they are actually crowding.Crowding, in a struggling marriage, is as toxic as disconnecting.Does it feel like a tightrope? Well, it really isn't.As…

Many times, people contact me to tell me that their marriage is... well... continuing to spiral down, in spite of their efforts.Over the years, I have noted some "turning points," when things often start turning around. And I want to share 3 of these turning points with you.Here is the good news: all 3 turning points I note are 100% within your con…

You started working on saving your marriage. Good for you!And then, you hit a bump. You get knocked down. Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional. Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset. Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse’s.And it knocks you down.Enough that you think it is over. That you are at the end.But are y…

Several listeners asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative. Why don't they remember the good times or see the good things?Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage. A spouse's thoughts just stay on the negative. Maybe thinking about what is going o…

How do you know if it is too late to save your marriage??That happens to be one of the most common questions I get from people... sometimes even at the beginning of a coaching sessions. But also by email and on conference calls.I get it. We all want to know what the future holds. Do you put forth the effort for a lost cause? Do you put your heart o…

My approach is the 3C approach to saving your marriage. The 3C's are C-onnect, C-hange, and C-reate. Connect with your spouse. Change yourself. Create a new path.The first two may be more obvious... but still missed by many people. Relationships are grown by connection, and harmed by a lack of connection. We grow personally, when we change... and s…

It is such a common demand from a spouse during a marital crisis: “I need space! You just need to give me space!”Yet here I am, telling you to connect with your spouse, to rebuild the broken connection that led to the crisis.Are they opposites?One listener to the Save The Marriage Podcast was wondering. Which means that others might be wondering th…

In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT…

Most people don’t come right out and say it, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are the victim in their marital situation. They believe they have been done wrong… more wrong than they have done.Problem is, their spouse is believing the same thing.Over and over, I watched as people seemed to make a mad race to be the bigger victim, each on…

Let me be the first to say, saving your marriage can be hard on you emotionally!Well, I don't really need to tell you, do I? YOU are living it!One of the tough things, if you are going it alone (at the moment) is the fact that you want to feel loved, too. You are likely trying to make sure your spouse feels love... feels love. You are likely workin…

For many couples in a troubled marriage, their first stop is marital therapy. In fact, for many, it is almost an instinctive reaction. Marriage problem? Head for therapy.How do I know?Because I hear from them... when therapy fails. Which is, unfortunately, fairly often.Why?In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you a little "insid…

Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right? Yes, your marriage is in crisis. But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage. Right?Not so fast.Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance. Not less. It does …

On a regular basis (meaning, several times each week), I have a discussion with a client that ends in the client saying, "I can't...." Yes, they finish the sentence in many ways. But the start of the sentence is my focus: "I can't."I have a colleague that responds to clients who say, "I can't," with "You can." That doesn't quite get there, though. …

Can one person save a marriage, even if your spouse doesn’t want it?I do say that my Save The Marriage System can save your marriage, even if only you want it.But what can you really do, if your spouse is checked out and not sure they want to stay married?I answer another listener question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Is it rea…

This is a SPECIAL EDITION of the Save The Marriage Podcast!Why? Because we are on the cusp of an elevated threat to marriages... and it might include your's.There are 3 periods in the year that see a spike in divorce filings and inquiries. We are facing one right now: the beginning of summer. In the States, that is marked by Memorial Day (coming up…

In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT…

There is a better than 80% chance that, at this moment, you are a Chaser. In doing a little informal research, I noticed that about 90% of the people who read my articles, listen to my podcast, read my b0oks, or use my System, are chasing right now.Why? Because right now, their spouse (and likely, your spouse) is being a Spacer. The Chaser/Spacer p…

Many people tell me of their desperation to find intimacy -- and their sadness over not having it in their marriage.But is it possible to find that intimacy? Is there a path to intimacy in your marriage??There are choices people make... that often lead them away from intimacy -- not toward it! This isn't on purpose. They just don't know better.The …

You hit the Pause Button on your marriage. I get it. You didn't realize you were doing it, and didn't know it was a problem. You just thought you were dealing with life -- the kids, a career, activities... life.But while you didn't know it was a problem, it is. In fact, it is the big reason that marriages get into trouble. Yes, there are lots of sy…

Yes, this is the #1 thing people request in therapy. And no, fixing it will not fix your marriage.This is part rant, part warning, and part explanation. Because, communication skills has somehow become a central tenet of hurting marriages. So, therapists teach them, clients request them, and marriages just don't get better.When I was in training, t…

For awhile, I have been answering listener-submitted questions, and continue to do so in this episode (if YOU want to ask a question, send it to podcast@savethemarriage.com).This week, I respond to a couple of questions about a spouse's indifference and/or resistance to attempts at connection.It can be frustrating when you so desperately want to re…

Where could your efforts fail?Those are the failpoints. They can trip you up and make you think nothing will work in your efforts.But let me be clear. They are potential failpoints. They are not inevitable.Failpoints, in engineering, is caused by stress on a particular point. In machines, a particular piece is stressed long enough that it finally g…

When I started this podcast over 10 years ago, I wondered how far we would go. Well, here we are on episode 500, with over 5.25 million downloads to far. And at the same time, I celebrate 58 years on earth. A couple of milestones I wanted to mark, for sure!Which raises the question from a listener, on what I have learned in life. I’ll share 5 big t…

Let's just say that the bumper sticker, "I used to be cool," has nothing to do with me. I was not cool. I was more the nerdy kid. And to be honest, I'm not sure I have really outgrown that.In my teen years, I was a magician. My friends were magicians, jugglers, clowns, ventriloquists, and carneys. I even started a magic club at my high school. And …

Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it. Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game. Or even a trick for a better pancake. A hint for a better pushup.But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage.Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick. Nothing wrong with asking. B…

Your marriage is in trouble, and you know you need help. But what type of help? And how do you know if it is the right help for your marriage? Tough question. And I can't answer it.But I can help you get the answer.I created a guide to help you find the best help, whether it is therapy, coaching, a retreat or workshop, or an online course. I tell y…

I know. I say it all the time. Connection is crucial -- even critical -- for the health and survival of your marriage.But what if there is a trap... a Connection Trap?Guess what?There IS!On this week's podcast, I answer "D's" question about their stuck place. She names what she thinks are the 3 C's that must be there for a strong marriage. She name…

The Pause Button. You didn't know you hit it. But you probably did."We'll get back to each other after the kids/ promotion/ travels/ hobbies/ events/ friends... (well, you get the idea)."AFTER life, we will get back to love.There is only one problem. Relationships are either growing or receding, strengthening or weakening.There IS no pause.When you…

Saving your marriage is important. But not always easy. Isn't that a truth in life, though? What is easy is rarely important. And what is important is worth the effort.There are some things that can make your process of saving your marriage a bit more complicated though.Not impossible.Just more complicated.While there are others, I cover seven diff…

Many people are struggling with depression. And they find themselves in the midst of a marriage crisis. So, what does depression mean for those situations? How does depression affects a marriage. Does depression cause a crisis? Or do people get depressed because of the crisis? Or... and this is more central to the question... how do you deal with d…

Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year? I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year. And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol. This year, I offer you a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past. Yep. Christmas, with new opp…

Several podcast listeners have asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative. Why don't they remember the good times or see the good things? Why does it feel like they only see the negative?Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage. A spouse's thoughts …

"A" has been trying to set boundaries with her husband. Trying to get the treatment she deserves. Trying to get the relationship to a healthy spot.But then, her spouse throws a little shade her way... rolling eyes, using a demeaning tone. What should she do to set a boundary on that?, she asksIn this case, A has a good hold on what to do when, say,…

Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right? Yes, your marriage is in crisis. But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage. Right?Not so fast.Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance. Not less. It does …

When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy. When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday.And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season! It cuts across nations and beliefs. The season is here.A client re…

Sounds so philosophical, doesn't it? Your "created past." What is that?We all do it. We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us. When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times.When a couple is connected, they remember connectio…

Phil asked, "How do you know you are making progress?" And perhaps fearing that the signs point the other way, he also asked, "how long is long enough to be trying before it is unhealthy for me."Those are two great, if somewhat polarized, questions. They point to fears of not being able to save a relationship. What to look for? And what to do if th…

You want to save your marriage (or you wouldn't be here, right??). But you may not know what to do. Most people don't.I mean, let's face it: most people don't do a lot to prepare to be married. Maybe a little pre-marital counseling. Perhaps a weekend event. Or maybe you read a book. But that doesn't really cut it, does it? Most people find that out…

We all have limiting beliefs. You... me... and your spouse! I always work to change my limiting beliefs. You are probably doing the same. But you can't just change your spouse's limiting beliefs!What is a limiting belief? It is a mostly-FALSE belief. But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck... unable to see bigger possibilities. Potential…

Just to be clear, people don't simply end up divorced. They don't go from a loving, connected marriage to a painful, hurting divorce. There are some stops along the way.As people progress along the path to divorce, they have some options along the way, to either take the off-ramp or jump back on the road. And the further along the road they go, the…

The shift from connection to disconnection happens when people (inadvertently) hit the Pause Button on their marriage. It isn't ill-intended. It usually just happens in the busyness of life. Still, relationships, in general (and marriages, in particular), do not do well being paused. Because they don't "pause." They atrophy and recede. (SEE MY PODC…

Many people tell me how they WANT to save their marriage (they really, really do), but they aren't DOING it. They can't seem to get started with their efforts. Yes, they know the clock is ticking. Yes, they know it is important. But getting started... doesn't happenIF someone WANTS to save their marriage, then WHY CAN’T THEY GET STARTED?There are s…

We all "show ourselves" in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship.Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence.As you may have guessed, an angry or distant …

Has your spouse lost hope in your marriage's future?You want a warm and loving relationship, but it has had a rough patch. You see a way forward, but your spouse can't see it. If that is the case, then you need a way forward. The first stop is dealing with the hopelessness.How important is it?Incredibly important! Humans do not do well with feeling…

It is not about "communication," no matter what you hear (from friends or a therapist). Most people communicate just fine. They have another issue: perception. How they perceive each other, that is the bigger issue.And then the trap is laid.Perception and connection. They create a downward spiral (unless you escape it) that traps you into a fall in…

We all have hurts from close relationships -- and especially in marriages. It is impossible to be in such an intimate relationship and not bump into each other (in hurtful ways) over and over. The problem is when the hurts don't heal.Bumps, they happen. Continued pain and hurt from the bumps, that doesn't have to happen.Yet, many times, I watch cou…

Do you ever feel like you are dancing with your spouse... and not a fun dance??Most of the time, couples get into habits. They both know the steps, and they just keep going through them, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3....No, the dances aren't particularly helpful. And yes, we keep dancing them, anyway!One dance that many couples fall into is the Anger-Blame-S…

When a marriage crisis hits, people kick into gear! They dig in and work on their relationship. Many times, they start to see results. Things are turning for the better. The relationship is warming. Things aren't quite so hostile.But then....They get derailed. Thrown off-course. Lost in the crisis.Not surprisingly, any gains made are quickly lost. …

I just googled, “how to save your marriage.” There were 607,000,000. Over 1/2 a billion results! How do you sort through them? How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing?It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good. And many times, you don’t even know who it…