Marriage and Money // Living Generously, Part 4

A Different Perspective Official Podcast

If ever there were a tricky combination – it’d have to be combination of marriage and money. Anyone who’s married knows exactly what I’m talking about, perhaps, hey? It kind of makes a lot of sense for husband and wife to get on the same page when it comes to the often difficult area of their finances.

Berni: Alex, great to have you on the program again today.

Alex: Thanks for having me, Berni.

Berni: Mate, why do so many people, in fact so many couples, struggle with money?

Alex: Well I think when it comes to couples we all come into marriage with very different things. We come in with different upbringings, different cultures in some cases, different personalities, gender differences. There’s all these sorts of things about us that are different.

And also you put these two people together, and as Christians we call it two becoming one, and sometimes that can cause quite, you know, chaotic behaviour. But if we address, say, the issue of upbringing.

OK, so one partner may come from a family where money was tough, it was always hard. And that person’s likely to be fairly security conscious because they always struggled and they’re always looking for a way of sort of protecting themselves so that they don’t find themselves in the same situation that they had when they were growing up.

Other people, on the other hand, may have grown up in a family whereby they were big spenders. Money was easy, it was all care-free and they just spent everything. So when you put those kind of two people together, there can be immediate conflict. Because there’s a conflict then over perceived needs versus wants, and one could see ... and that could be very, very different as to what those needs and wants are.

Berni: Yeah, it’s not easy. Why are Christians called to manage their money differently from everyone else?

Alex: Yeah, I think from a Christian perspective we need to look at it as being God’s stewards. So stewardship is really the idea that we are managing something on behalf of somebody else. So as a Christian you’re managing the resources on behalf of God.

In fact, I call it the three ‘T’s. You’ve got to manage time, talent and treasure. In the context of what we’re talking about now, we’re talking about money. So how do you manage the treasure that God’s blessed you with? So the Christian view, then, with money is as I was saying, "OK if it’s God’s money, what are going to do to honour God with that money? How are we going to glorify him, how are we going to use this money in a way that advances His kingdom, His purposes?" Because that’s ultimately why we’re here. We’re here, you know, we get saved, we get saved for a reason so that we can actually then extend His kingdom here on earth.

Berni: Let’s bring that into marriage. Boy meets girl, they fall in love, they decide to get married, right. Often they come into a marriage these days with quite disparate financial situations and one of the things that’s becoming very popular round the world now is pre-nuptials, right.

Alex: Yes.

Berni: This idea that, ‘Well this is my money and if something happens to our marriage then these are the rules.’ What’s your take? From a biblical perspective of two becoming one ...

Alex: Yes.

Berni: Husband and wife. What’s your take on this whole prenuptial thing?

Alex: Well, look I think pre-nuptials - it’s built from the idea that it may fail one day. And I think as a Chris ... that’s a very flawed way of thinking. Because if you go into marriage thinking it might fail, then it probably will. I actually think you’ve got to actually start from the perspective that we will never get divorced and that’s got to be your attitude when you go into it. And therefore you’re much more on the right page.

From the point of view of two becoming one, so how is a couple ... what does that really mean when it comes to money? Well I think the first thing is you need to have a common vision. Because often what happens is we all have different interests, different passions and pursuits and we often then wander off as couples in different directions. But I think as a Christian you need to actually bring that back in. So what is the common vision?

We’ve named our organisation ‘Wealth with Purpose’ for this reason. Because as a couple your wealth should have a purpose. The other thing is our society now teaches us that we have to be independent. And that’s a very dangerous way of thinking. As a couple you need to be interdependent on each other and dependent on God for your provision. Because if you’re just running off in your own direction being independent, inevitably you’re going to clash. And it then becomes his and her money. Whereas in fact it’s not even his or her money, it’s not even our money, it’s actually God’s money. So it really changes the way you think about it.

And I think also we should have shared goals, shared vision, and shared responsibility and, you know, contributing. And it may not necessarily be financially contributing but actually just contributing with what you’re doing with those resources.

Berni: What are some of the real financial danger zones that couples fall into, they need to avoid?

Alex: Probably the most common one these days is excessive debt. Because when you get into excessive debt it puts enormous pressure on the marriage. Particularly, let’s say one or both partners are out of work. All of a sudden those mortgage payments become monumental. And that puts enormous stress on a marriage. So having excessive debt is a very common one.

And another one is hiding money. You’d be amazed how many couples I’ve witnessed where they’re actually hiding money from each other.

Berni: Really?

Alex: Yes, it could be hiding bonuses, it could be hiding credit card debt – there’s a big one – you know, they’ve racked up ... spent money on the credit card. I remember having one client who was worth an enormous amount of money and the wife had racked up $25,000 on the credit card and the husband had no idea. And he ... and they were very, once again very different personalities. He was the saver; she was the spender. And boy was there a clash coming when he found out. So that’s, you know, a very, very common thing.

There’s all sorts of areas. You know, it could be our insecurities, you know as we’re human beings we’re all broken in our own little ways and our insecurities can lead to bad financial habits. And that obviously can affect our marriage as well. But I think probably the biggest one is the difference in perception between needs and wants.

Berni: I’ll pick up on something you just said there. The idea of it being God’s money and who you actually trust. I think that the way we behave in terms of spending and saving and indeed hoarding for those who hoard, says a lot about whether we trust God or not.

Alex: Absolutely. I mean my view on this is that many people, they know about God, but they don’t really know God.

Berni: Yes.

Alex: So you can read the Bible and know about God but until you actually spend time with God, in prayer, in worship, in the word, and actually devote to getting to know God. And the example I use is like Barack Obama. OK, I know about him but I don’t really know him.

Berni: Yes.

Alex: Everyone knows about him because they hear about him on TV all the time. But they don’t really know him. And it’s the same sort of concept. To trust God with money you need to really know him. You need to know that he is the provider. That he is in complete control of all events. Because if you don’t really know God’s character and don’t have that relationship with Him, when the storms of life come, and they will come, you’ll find things much, much tougher.

Berni: What sort of strategies can couples use to manage conflict over finances? Because I guess a lot of marriages fall apart over finances. How can they manage this?

Alex: Look I say to adopt a very simple process around this. And the first thing is to identify whatever it is you’re fighting over. And that’s probably the easy part of it. The second thing is to then say, ‘Well what are all the possible solutions?’ And most likely you’re going to come up with quite different things.

And let’s use an example. Let’s say the car. The car’s broken down and it keeps breaking down. So there’s all sorts of solutions. One you could go and buy a brand new car, you can go and buy a second hand car, you can get the one you’ve got fixed, you can do a few different options. Then the next thing to say is, ‘OK, if we’ve got all these options, what is going to be the financial impact on that, how’s it going to affect our overall finances and of course what’s the spiritual impact? Do we feel that God has a view on this?’ Because I think many couples actually leave God out of all their decision making.

Berni: Well exactly. If we don’t see this money as God’s money, then the purpose that we have around our wealth, husband and wife can have totally different purposes.

Alex: Absolutely. And so in my view before all major financial decisions, now it could be buying a house, or even renting a house, buying a car, you know, going to college, all those sorts of things, that you should pray about it and ask God to guide you and to lead you. Because if you don’t, if you leave God out of it, you’re much more likely to make mistakes. It’s not to say you’ll never make a mistake again, but it’s merely to say that you’ve got to include God in your decision making process.

Berni: Mate, we’re almost out of time. Great chatting with you. We might do this again.

Alex: Fantastic, look forward to it.