Seeking Self-Worth

A Trauma Survivor Thriver’s Podcast

This is a LIVE replay of A Trauma Survivor Thriver's Podcast which aired Wednesday, March 8th, 2023 at 1130am ET on Fireside Chat.

Today’s guest is Christine MacDonald, Author of the memoir, Face Value, From Stripper Pole to Baring My Soul.

Lorilee Binstock 00:00:38
Welcome. I'm Lorilee Binstock and this is A Trauma Survivor Thriver's Podcast.
Thank you so much for joining me live on Fireside chat where you can be a part of the conversation as my virtual audience.
I am your host glory been stock. Everyone has an opportunity to ask me or our guest questions by requesting to hop on stage or sending a message in the chat box. I will try to get to you, but I do ask that everyone be respectful.
Today's guest is Christine Macdonald's author of the book Face Value: From Stripper Pole to Baring my Soul, which actually
comes out two today, And you could actually, if you are interested that scrolling fortune cookie right there in the middle of your screen, that will take you to purchase her book. Christine, thank you so much for joining me today.
Christine Macdonald 00:01:43
Oh, I'm so happy to be here. Can you hear me?
Lorilee Binstock 00:01:45
I can hear you perfectly.
Thank you so much.
Christine Macdonald 00:01:48
Yeah. Thank you.
Lorilee Binstock 00:01:49
So I
I wanted to get to to it because I feel like there's so much to cover
with your story.
You have struggled a lot
with trauma as a child, which eventually led you into the adulthood repayment industry.
I just wanna to know if you could just share journey a little bit with us.
Christine Macdonald 00:02:08
Oh, I'm happy too. And you're right. There's there's a whole bunch of... It's like wheel Fortune named named that trauma. But here's... But here's the thing. Don't we all have
something in our lives? And, of course, it's not a contest. Right? So every single one of us, I'm of the belief that we're all in recovery from something. And, of course, more,
Lorilee Binstock 00:02:20
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:02:29
you know, there are some people who have a a harder journey, But, yes, I've had
some several traumas as a child. It really just compounded
my choices that I made as a young adult, so I started out
the the trauma really started when I was at age thirteen,
and I
just just
you know, thirteen is such a tender age as it is. Right? I mean, you're a freshman in high school
and
Lorilee Binstock 00:02:56
Hormones.
Christine Macdonald 00:02:58
exact. And so all of a sudden, and I started noticing
these big
blood filled cysts all over my face, my chest, my back,
Lorilee Binstock 00:03:06
Well.
Christine Macdonald 00:03:07
And I didn't know what was going on. And I I just kept
telling my mom. This is... I don't think this is normal ask me. And, you know, God loved my mom. She just was, like, hoping it would just go away. And it didn't. So we ended up meeting to see a doctor.
It turns out my diagnosis
was
is very, very
rare. It's called Acne Michelangelo.
And basically, you're it's a very severe
severe form of cystic acne where
normal topical solutions that this is not part of the remedy for this case.
So I started seeing the doctor, and
but it was too late at that point. The scars were left,
and long stars short,
Lorilee Binstock 00:03:47
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:03:49
you know, they called me Freddie Krueger in high school. They were mer,
Lorilee Binstock 00:03:51
Yeah.
Christine Macdonald 00:03:52
and it was just one of those things where my value
was,
you know, as all of ours, I think when they're at at that young and impression age, my value was just really predicated on how people thought of me. And so
when people started calling me, you know, moon face, pizza face, Freddie Kruger, my self esteem just plummeted.
Lorilee Binstock 00:04:13
Mhmm
Christine Macdonald 00:04:13
And so on top of that,
I
I reached out to any substances like could fine. And it if it was the eighties. So, you know, cocaine was the glamour drug. And so that sort of just compounded the trauma with living with this
disease all over my skin and my body.
And then
I was sexually abused at that same year at thirteen.
But I was so warped with my thinking that I I really truly thought it meant I was pretty,
Like, somebody
Lorilee Binstock 00:04:43
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:04:44
somebody taking my virginity, somebody
was giving me attention sexually,
even though my face was you know, covered in these blood filled says purple golf ball size that would break open in my sleep.
Lorilee Binstock 00:04:57
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:04:58
So it was just a whole little. I mean, it was definitely
was definitely a lot,
but
it... It's interesting. I mean... And I think you can attest to this. When you suffer,
it trauma and, you know, you can add to that verbal and physical abuse
in the house.
Lorilee Binstock 00:05:16
Yeah.
Christine Macdonald 00:05:17
It's just it really it shapes your choices as a young adult,
And that's where I fell into the stripping world because,
you know, along the heels of being called Freddie Krueger, I was nineteen years old when I was asked to do a wet t contest.
So I walked into this world in Waikiki key. Right, which is such a just position because it's like,
Lorilee Binstock 00:05:37
Yeah
Christine Macdonald 00:05:38
supposed to be paradise, and I'm I'm going through all this darkness, but I found
my beauty onstage stage
because I took somebody giving me a dollar bill
is a validation that I was pretty much like this sexual abuse was validation that I was pretty. So that's sort of the journey, and that's what I talk about in the book. And really, it's about how I got out of it. How I pulled myself out of that world after
Lorilee Binstock 00:05:52
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:06:02
a near decade of trying to find myself worth.
Very long winded did answer sure for the first question?
Lorilee Binstock 00:06:07
No. No. It's great. You could keep going on.
Christine Macdonald 00:06:10
Yeah.
Lorilee Binstock 00:06:10
But I do... You know, it
kids are horrible. Teenagers are can be so
horrible. I remember as a in middle school. I I had horrible teeth, my teeth actually
I had teeth growing behind my teeth because my mouth was so small and so crowded. And I remember the throwing, and I tell the story a lot.
I remember throwing, like,
an m and m and catching it in my mouth. And I guess my mouth was open and tilted back where everyone could see, like, another
like, more teeth behind my regular teeth and they were... They they started calling me sharks teeth for the longest time.
Christine Macdonald 00:06:41
Mhmm.
Oh, and that's yeah.
Lorilee Binstock 00:06:45
And that's really
it's hard. It's hard
because kids can be ruthless when it comes to
to, you know, making fun of people because they're insecure too. Teenagers are very insecure people,
Christine Macdonald 00:06:58
Mhmm. Mhmm.
Lorilee Binstock 00:06:59
and they don't understand that, you know, the reason why they're making fun of other people can their own they have their own issues that they they're too scared to deal with.
Christine Macdonald 00:07:09
So true. No true.
Lorilee Binstock 00:07:09
But I...
Yeah.
I I find it interesting to but, you know, when you are sexually abused, did you... So you... Your you're thinking was work you mentioned.
Christine Macdonald 00:07:20
Mhmm.
Lorilee Binstock 00:07:20
But
when did you realize that that was... That was wrong that that was
that that was and that was
Rape, I guess.
Christine Macdonald 00:07:30
It was right. Yeah. Exactly.
It's interesting that you say that because I'm talking years decades.
I... First of all, I knew something wasn't right
because
After the incident, I thought he was my boyfriend. I honestly thought he was my boyfriend, which is very sad, but it's very telling of where my mind was at the time.
So I became this little st in high school. And this dude was, you know, he was sixteen years old. I was thirteen,
and it was just one of those things where I truly thought that Meant was pretty and that he was my boyfriend. So I got a clue pretty early on when the rumors started swirl. And quite honestly, it took me
intensive therapy,
and I was in my early forties.
So that's a long time. Right? I was in my forties, and I finally was able to number one, forgive myself because I felt like,
Lorilee Binstock 00:08:15
Yay.
Christine Macdonald 00:08:23
I was very confused. I knew there was something not right about it, but I didn't wanna call it rape. And quite honestly, you know, Amy Schumer says this in her book,
she talks about something very similar. She was passed out,
she was taken advantage of without her consent. So when I share that with my therapist,
I felt like, I wasn't...
Like, I didn't qualify if that makes sense. You know what I mean? Like, when people when people think rates, they think it's a brutal attack and and all of these things, I I was passed out and I was thirteen, and I woke up, and
Lorilee Binstock 00:08:48
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:08:58
I didn't have anything on my bottoms, and it was a it was a beach penny pat camp. I mean, you can't get more hawaiian than that right?
So let's could Pat camp.
My bathing suit was rolled up in a ball. It had blood on it. So I knew something was up, but it took so long for me to really wrap my head around the fact that, yeah, It was great, and it's okay.
Lorilee Binstock 00:09:14
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:09:21
I mean, the rake wasn't okay, but it's okay that it happened. It wasn't my fault.
Lorilee Binstock 00:09:23
Right.
Christine Macdonald 00:09:27
So a lot of insight with sarah
truly understand, and then also forgive myself
and then forgive to forgive this person.
Lorilee Binstock 00:09:33
Yeah.
Christine Macdonald 00:09:36
You know, it it wasn't a violent attack, but it just definitely was something that changed the course of my life.
Lorilee Binstock 00:09:43
So... And then when you went to, you said at nineteen, you're asked to do this. What t shirt contest.
Christine Macdonald 00:09:49
Mhmm.
Lorilee Binstock 00:09:50
And this was
what was that feeling when you were asked?
And when you eventually... You you did it. I'm assuming.
Christine Macdonald 00:09:57
Yes. I did it. And, you know, it's interesting because I was with one of my
girlfriends, and she's in the book prominently, And it's a funny funny way how we met, and I won't spoil it for you, But she she she was the other woman. I found her information and who I thought was my boyfriend, You can see the theme here.
Lorilee Binstock 00:10:15
Yeah
Christine Macdonald 00:10:15
Very toxic partner,
he was ten years older than I was. He was a drug dealer. I mean, all sorts of bad news, which, of course, I was completely attracted to.
Lorilee Binstock 00:10:25
yeah.
Christine Macdonald 00:10:26
But I found this women's
information in his things, and so I just picked up the phone and called her and said, look, I don't know if you know this. But I'm with this guy, and then she said, oh, oh my god. I had no idea anyway, Long story short her and I became girlfriends. She is be beautiful. And and,
Lorilee Binstock 00:10:41
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:10:44
you know, one of those Barbie doll looking girls that are just so natural,
not like fake plaster Barbie, but I'm talking, like, the quintessential Christie brink over time. You know?
Lorilee Binstock 00:10:54
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:10:54
And so her and I work together on the beach
And, you know, we were young. We had rock and bodies, but she was the... She was the beauty queen. Right? And I did not feel
like, I was approached because of me. I was supposed to be... We were both approached because of her. And so she basically told the gentleman who was recruiting women for these what teacher contests.
She'll... She says, I'll do it if my girlfriend can do it, and that that was me. She says she's a great answer.
Which is true.
So
so the way that I felt when I was on that stage, and, of course, you know, substances were involved. So that's always
something that I... Yeah. Exactly.
Lorilee Binstock 00:11:32
Makes it easier.
Christine Macdonald 00:11:35
The way I felt onstage stage with my big bond Jo Bush live nineteen eighty seven here in my gold eye shadow
Lorilee Binstock 00:11:41
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:11:41
for the fur for the first time ever.
I felt beautiful.
I felt like I was hiding in plain sight, meaning my face was exposed, but it was it was just covered in in all of this eighties hair.
But truly, that dollar that people were giving me on stage was so validating
and just a big, like,
look at who's Freddie Krueger now? You know what I mean? Like, just three years just three years earlier,
Lorilee Binstock 00:12:05
Yeah.
Christine Macdonald 00:12:07
I was cutting school because I was so tormented.
So I felt nothing but validation and power and beautiful.
Lorilee Binstock 00:12:15
So and this was your par into
into the adult entertainment world or how how did how did you
start your career in that in adult entertainment.
Christine Macdonald 00:12:27
Well,
ironically, you know if I won the contest, which was
Lorilee Binstock 00:12:31
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:12:31
real,
and I was offered a job at this chocolate bar now in Waikiki Key,
back then I can't speak to the scene now, but that then the age
where you could dis disprove. It was a top of bar was twenty one. So I bikini danced until I was twenty one. And by the time
I
you know, by the time I had my twenty first they. I was so
with it. It was like, no big deal to take my top off. And then the next day,
I had some customers say, well, now that you're twenty one, you could make make even more money if you go up the street to the nude bar. And so I was just full Throttle all the way through.
You know? And I loved it. I loved every minute of it.
Lorilee Binstock 00:13:15
Did you experience any trauma
during your career as an an adult entertainer?
Christine Macdonald 00:13:21
I did. I did and mostly drug related mostly with men
And I would have to say, of course, I don't, you know, I don't subscribe to the
the idea that I deserved it. But my choices were
definitely
a part of that. I chose very toxic partners,
the drugs and all of that. So the trauma was sort of a revolving door, hamster wheel
of you know, it's interesting the j where you feel so powerful and beautiful.
But at the same time, you're you're... And for me personally, I can't speak to other dancers answers, but I felt beautiful and powerful, but it was stripping my beauty away little by little. If that makes sense.
Lorilee Binstock 00:13:54
Mhmm.
Did you think of that at the time though?
Christine Macdonald 00:14:06
No.
No. I I didn't. Only when I was writing my story, I was like, oh, man. I wanna give back a little girl hug.
Lorilee Binstock 00:14:07
Right. Yeah.
Oh, garrett. I mean,
trauma really just builds on trauma. You're not healing it. Right? It's you know, it just... Like you said the substances is and
Christine Macdonald 00:14:20
Exactly.
Lorilee Binstock 00:14:23
the coping that you... And typically, it's mala
until you realize it.
When did you become aware? What when did you decide to get out of the adult entertainment industry?
Christine Macdonald 00:14:36
Great question. I was in my late twenties,
and you know, when you're in your
you know, when you're facing the barrel of thirty,
and you think you're getting so old. You're, like, oh my gosh. I'm gonna be thirty.
Lorilee Binstock 00:14:48
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:14:50
So I
I I can't you know, I don't understand the lifeline of when people go to college. You know, the norm the people that do it the right way. Right? So here I am and my, my college really was the stripping years,
And I recall being sober burnt out, and this is in the book. There's a chapter called voluntary
termination that I'm very proud of, and it really goes and explains step by step
how I came to the realization,
and it was very, very
quiet.
It was very simple,
And I was in the dressing room. I was twenty,
I would say late twenties
and I And I it was very heavy on my mind thinking. Oh my gosh. I'm am I gonna be a senior citizen on the poll? Because, of course, when you're thirty, you think you're a senior head.
So I'm right. It's so I'm looking in mirror, and... And I'm using my foundation and I'm covering my skin and I'm, you know, I've always had this relationship with my skin
Lorilee Binstock 00:15:37
No goodness.
Christine Macdonald 00:15:48
where I have for decades try to pretend my scars did not exist. But now
as I'm older, I embrace my scars because they're part of who I am and I always say your flaws are your flavor.
So anything that you feel embarrassed about or that you've been teased about, those things make up who you are, they're part of your flavor. So
Lorilee Binstock 00:16:10
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:16:11
embrace them. But back then, I didn't... I wasn't there yet. So here I am in the dressing arm. Time of grows behind me the collected clerk of their heels,
and the buzz you know, all the buzz of the girls. I don't know if you've been around a
a bunch of high girls, but they're like, birds.
A squat. You know, they're coffee.
Lorilee Binstock 00:16:29
Oh my gosh. That's hilarious.
Christine Macdonald 00:16:32
Yeah. And so they're like.
So I'm I'm trying to focus on putting my makeup on. I'm kinda tuning out the girls behind me. I am really hung over as per usual. That was just another day ending and why. Right? So I'm putting my makeup on
and something just hit me, and I thought,
okay. And I'm looking in my eyes.
I see no blue. It's all gray.
And
I
saw myself,
like, wow. You're almost thirty. What you gonna do with your life? You don't have a college education.
Dropped out because you couldn't handle the hours because I was party girl. Right? And then at that very moment, when I connected with my eyes, I see a brand new girl who I've never
seen before, come into the dressing room, and she was probably nineteen.
Lorilee Binstock 00:17:19
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:17:19
And
I looked at her, and I saw myself in her, and I thought
god, I wanna just hug her and tell her
save your money. I'm not gonna judge you. I'm not gonna tell you not to do this, but I wanna tell you to save your money, stay off the drugs,
have a good head on your shoulders, but I didn't. I stayed in my own lane,
but just seeing that girl
had me flashback of the near decade career that I had. And so
without even realizing it, I started putting my makeup back in my bag and lift it up,
sp my bounce over my shoulders, stood up and looked in the mirror and said out loud to myself, I think you're done.
Lorilee Binstock 00:17:57
Oh, wow.
Christine Macdonald 00:17:58
And that I just walked out and looks for a pay phone.
There was no Internet herself the back.
What's for a pay phone called my mom, who I was estranged with at the time.
And god lover, she... I basically said what are you doing? And I was almost crying because I was so scared,
and I did know what my life gonna be... But I, of course, wanted my mommy.
Lorilee Binstock 00:18:20
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:18:20
And so I called her up, and I said, what are you doing? And she I'm cooking dinner, Do you wanna come over? And I was so
grateful for that because I did. I went over to her house, and my sister had just had a baby so she was holding her newborn.
My mom was cooking spaghetti. So soon as a friend are open, I just... I was welcomed by that
amazing smell of home. You know?
Lorilee Binstock 00:18:42
Mhmm
Christine Macdonald 00:18:42
And I remember looking at my sister, and I remember being at my mom's house and thinking, wow, Just an hour earlier, I was around naked.
High girls
talking. Like, you know what I mean? And I thought this is real life. This is what I want. And at that moment, I just asked my mom I need to move home. I need to save up money because I'm gonna get off this island and find a new life.
Lorilee Binstock 00:19:04
Wow.
Oh, so, you grew up in Hawaii until your moment not far from where you were were dancing.
Christine Macdonald 00:19:07
Yes.
Correct. Yeah. And then, unfortunately, she... I was such a nightmare
addict
that she... I mean, I I'm I'm not a parent. So I can't even imagine.
She just... I I don't wanna say gave up, but she was just
there was nothing she could do. There was no talking to me. She was just like, she's gonna need to find out on her own,
Lorilee Binstock 00:19:27
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:19:31
and she prayed that I would come around and, you know, I did, which is great.
Lorilee Binstock 00:19:36
And so you found you decided, okay.
I'm...
That road is not for me anymore.
What did you end up doing?
Christine Macdonald 00:19:43
Mhmm.
I sold all of my belongings. I made the very naive
choice to leave the island, which I don't think is really... It was not a bad decision it's probably the best decision I ever made because I found myself
really having to grow up. And and I was in my late twenties. So
I always say I lost in a way, a decade of my life because I was using.
And so I really left the island
in mentally, like, eighteen years old, nineteen years old because I'd lost so much in my life, but I was in my late twenties,
and
I just knew that leaving was the best
decision
and finding new friends and just starting over.
But then, you know,
couple years later, I realized, oh, you can't run away from your addictions. So that was addressed as well, which is also in the book. But the best decision, the thing that really catapult my change was leaving the island and
just shake it off those those friends that you thought were friends, but they were just your party friends.
Lorilee Binstock 00:20:49
So how did you...
How did you work with your addiction? When did you realize? Well, it sounds like you're were like, okay. I can't I can't escape this. How did you heal from it? Or how did you break the addiction or break any of these,
you know, behavioral
cycles?
Or actually even
Christine Macdonald 00:21:06
Mhmm.
Lorilee Binstock 00:21:08
be beware of the the patterns.
Christine Macdonald 00:21:10
Well, interesting question because I thought just leaving the island was enough. And I thought, oh, I'm such a rock. I could walk away from the Coke. I could walk away from the ecstasy and all those other things I was doing, and I was really
sn about it to be honest with you I thought and they rehab. I'm good. I honestly did not think I was an addict until
in my thirties,
I had a relapse with prescription drugs,
and that's a whole nother animal because in in an addicts mind, do you think Oh, this is from a doctor. I'm fine.
And, of course, that doesn't... That's never the case. But
Lorilee Binstock 00:21:44
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:21:49
realizing that I was an attic, took be relaxing and being in a detox word for a week.
And and really
understanding after going to meetings and things like, oh, yeah. So my party self in my twenties
never left. I just changed the scenery.
Lorilee Binstock 00:22:05
Yep.
Christine Macdonald 00:22:05
So getting real with yourself is
not for the faint of heart.
Right? You have to take responsibility for your choices, and
Yeah. Once I... Once I realized that the two were not
so different that my party self
just
manifested in other ways, and then I was able to do the do the work with therapy.
Lorilee Binstock 00:22:28
Well so in that time,
when you left
this adult entertainment world, and you were finding yourself,
what was happening with yourself worth?
Did it make? Did it
did you want to go back to the stripping?
How did you
manage
dealing with that that feeling of
finding yourself worth? And and and
Christine Macdonald 00:22:53
Yeah.
Lorilee Binstock 00:22:54
needing longing for that helpful.
Christine Macdonald 00:22:57
Realizing that the real world wasn't gonna saves me and that the real world was actually
a lot harder than I thought.
How did I
how did I manage
for a long time?
I didn't... I I still suffered low self steam and that manifested in every single choice of partner I ever dated, and I had a therapist what tell me? I had a therapist one.
Lorilee Binstock 00:23:20
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:23:24
If you cut off all the heads of everyone you've ever dated, and I said, let's take a moment to just visualize that because I gotta I kinda like that. But when when this therapist said that to me, she says, they're interchangeable.
Lorilee Binstock 00:23:30
Yeah
Christine Macdonald 00:23:37
You you pick these stricter or upper and then complain that there's no good people out there today. It's because you don't feel like you're worthy
of any
one who's good for you. Like, I did not feel Like was worthy of a nice
person. And also, when you grow up, and I think you can attest
when you grow up with chaos,
we subconsciously create chaos because that's home.
Lorilee Binstock 00:24:00
Yep.
Christine Macdonald 00:24:01
You know, chaos is home. We don't understand when our phone's not blowing up when we don't have any fires to put out when we're not fret
Lorilee Binstock 00:24:01
Yep.
Christine Macdonald 00:24:08
whether the person we're seeing is cheating on us and getting through their phone for answers, all of those things are based on low self esteem.
Lorilee Binstock 00:24:16
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:24:16
And I did not realize that at the time. And so I spent the better part of my thirties and forties
after I left the stage.
Really having
to work on myself esteem. And then I finally got a clue
when I was just exhausted from being heartbroken
and realizing through therapy
that I had more control than I thought.
Like, there... It's not that there are no good people there it's just that I'm choosing the ones
that are bad for me because I just didn't feel like I was worse.
Anyone better.
So that's
Lorilee Binstock 00:24:50
Yeah. There's like there's like comfort in the same people that you you date
in a way.
Christine Macdonald 00:24:54
Exactly. It's a familiarity
that
it's
it's hard to shake. It's like a trauma bond. Right?
Lorilee Binstock 00:25:01
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:25:02
Yeah.
Lorilee Binstock 00:25:04
Did you...
So what was it? Was there something
that happened because I feel I I'm dealing with this. Constantly now I'm continuously working on feeling like I'm enough.
What was it? That did it for you. Was there something that made it click besides her saying you have more control? And I feel like I... I do have control, but
I mean, there are days where I'm just like,
am I enough, and then I question it.
Christine Macdonald 00:25:33
Oh, totally.
Hold, totally. It's really a hard net to crack, and it's so embedded into our
our psyche
because, you know, rewire
those parts of our brain, I think, is a lifelong journey, I mean it's truly...
It's not easy to do, but the fact that we're aware of it is a huge plus. Right? Like, we know our intellect I always say that my... You know, our brains have the intellect side and then the emotional side. So when my emotional side starts to kick in and say, oh, who's gonna read your book? You're not you're nobody. You're not famous, blah blah blah blah, and then I have the other side, the intellect that says, damn straight. Everyone's gonna read my book. This is a really great story, and it's gonna inspire people. So it's just balancing those two positive and negatives,
Lorilee Binstock 00:26:15
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:26:21
but surrounding yourself
with people who list you up
and only wanna us to you succeed
that unconditional love, your sister, your brotherhood, people that are in your corner.
That's
what helps lift me and realize
that I'm worth it. In fact, my best best girlfriend
I was... I received converter flowers from someone because of my book release, and I was falling
Lorilee Binstock 00:26:48
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:26:49
because I'm not used in receiving love where there's no catch.
Like, I used to always think if I get love, then what's it gonna cost me, like, it was a transactional
Lorilee Binstock 00:26:54
Yeah.
Christine Macdonald 00:26:59
thing
when people truly love you, they don't want anything from you. They just love you who you are.
And
I text my best girlfriend, and I said, I'm really having a hard time
believing I'm worth this. And she said, you remember that movie moons with share?
Lorilee Binstock 00:27:13
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:27:16
She's she said, what that out of it.
She goes you are worth it step out of it. So surrounding yourself with people that truly truly only want the best for you. They don't have any
motives. There's nothing in it for them. I think that's huge. I think that really helps with your self esteem.
Lorilee Binstock 00:27:37
It really sounds like your mom
was
kind of that person.
Christine Macdonald 00:27:43
She was great. She had her own missteps, and I... And I do explain that in the book there are many things that,
you know, she wishes
she and, of course, I do too.
She didn't do or could have done better
but
she's been my support system through this book. Even though
there's a part of her, of course, she's a mom. She doesn't want
the world to know that her baby made all these missteps and choices. But in the end, she's... She's been great. Yeah. She's very worried about this book, but I told her I said, look, anyone who reads the book is gonna know
Lorilee Binstock 00:28:17
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:28:18
that you have your home messed missteps because you were raised by someone who was not healthy.
So you know, the cycle. It's a cycle. Right?
Lorilee Binstock 00:28:25
Right.
It's the cycle.
Exactly.
Christine Macdonald 00:28:27
Yeah.
Lorilee Binstock 00:28:29
Well,
looking back at the entertainment
industry now,
what are your... What are your personal thoughts?
And it sounds like when... When that nineteen year old
girl walked through,
you're... You you had a lot that you wanted to say to this person.
Christine Macdonald 00:28:45
Yeah. Yeah. For sure.
It's interesting because I... Since I...
Been promoting self promoting this book. I got on Tick talk,
and I had no idea what to expect. You know, I'm a Gen x or I'm just like, I didn't even know how to do this whole business, but I'm gonna try
Lorilee Binstock 00:29:01
Yeah
Christine Macdonald 00:29:02
because, you know, social media is basically the best advertised you can do. And if you can gain a healthy following,
it's a great way to get your message out. Right? So I am on talk, and most of my followers
Lorilee Binstock 00:29:11
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:29:15
are current spicy dancers,
And
they are Absolutely
amazing. Each and every one of them has a story, and I don't know if you've ever seen Orange just black.
Lorilee Binstock 00:29:26
Yeah.
Christine Macdonald 00:29:27
But you know how the template of that story is,
you really get to know the backstory of every inmates.
And then you form an empathy that you didn't realize you could have for someone who is in prison
Lorilee Binstock 00:29:41
Right.
Christine Macdonald 00:29:42
because
were against them and whatever whatever resources they had to do, which, of course, isn't to say
they shouldn't be imprisoned, but you wanna have
an idea of their why and every single girl onstage stage, whether you're on stage or in a pen country, there's a reason
Lorilee Binstock 00:29:55
Right.
Christine Macdonald 00:30:01
and they're not necessarily bad people.
So I am finding myself I feel like they're aunts or their house mom.
Lorilee Binstock 00:30:09
Yeah
Christine Macdonald 00:30:09
And a lot of them come to me and say you give me inspiration that there is life after the pull. Because it's a young woman's game.
And like I said, I was almost thirty, and I was freaking out that I was gonna be a senior citizen on the pool. So I never judge them. I support them.
And I just... If they asked my advice because I never wanna give it unsolicited.
I just say try and save some of your money and hold on to your
yourself love and your power because it is a very
seductive
part in the pun
industry, or you can get really wrapped up in the drugs so you can get wrapped up in the money, and then, of course, the next thing, you know, you're thirty.
Lorilee Binstock 00:30:43
Mhmm.
And there you are.
Christine Macdonald 00:30:53
And there you are.
Lorilee Binstock 00:30:56
Is there would you say because I think
a lot of that has to do with self love and self worth. And do you think people who go into...
Do you think there are people who go into the adult entertainment world
who
are already strong, and their self love and their self worth.
Christine Macdonald 00:31:15
I do. I do. And I've worked with women that had their...
Can I swear?
Lorilee Binstock 00:31:20
Of course, Go for it.
Christine Macdonald 00:31:21
Okay.
I've work... I've worked with women who had their shit together. Like, they were
college students. They were moms during the day, and they were trying to supplement.
You know, that trying to feed their child,
not all of the women
that are, you know, choose the sex industry the sex work industry, whether it's,
spicy dancing or now is all virtual. Right? They have there's only fans. There's
Lorilee Binstock 00:31:47
Oh, yeah.
Christine Macdonald 00:31:48
there's sex work in the
in the literal sense, which I I never crossed over to do, but I have many friends that did. All of those things
you're not necessarily broken.
Everybody has their own reason,
Lorilee Binstock 00:32:02
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:32:02
but
I do find in my
experience that I have come across
women that did not think highly of themselves. But it's death it's very important to me that I I want people to know that I do not put a blanket statement on anyone who chooses that industry that they're all broken.
You know? But, yeah, it's it it it is a theme
Lorilee Binstock 00:32:21
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:32:25
it is a theme as with maybe other. You know, if you're in the modeling industry or anything like that, I can only imagine how toxic that would be as well.
Lorilee Binstock 00:32:33
Right.
Christine Macdonald 00:32:33
Especially in the in the day of filters.
Right? And all of these...
You don't know what's real. And then these these young women
go on to
or or whatever. And they think, oh, my life, they they compare themselves to these unrealistic
expectations.
Right.
Lorilee Binstock 00:32:51
Mhmm.
Yeah. You know what I think about, you know, I was a young journalist
at a young talent, really, you know, a television station with a bunch of young
young people.
And, you know,
to want to be on Tv.
I mean, I feel like it's it's definitely not a glamorous job may seem like it, but definitely is not.
But you know, when I looked all around me, there... You know, there are people who
are broken. I feel like... I mean, I'm that's like you said, I'm not saying everyone in. But they're they're they're trying to find their voice. And then I feel like that was kind of me. Like, people who had... Were we're not listened to. They'd got a job, so that people will listen to them Right? And I feel like I was... I was also that person as well. So I go, I tried to find my voice working in this business, but you know, obviously, that's that's not what's going to fix it. Right? You have to look within yourself
Christine Macdonald 00:33:22
Mhmm.
Mhmm.
Lorilee Binstock 00:33:46
to be able to figure out why do I need this? What was I mis sing as a child
Christine Macdonald 00:33:49
Yeah.
Mhmm.
Lorilee Binstock 00:33:52
in order for me
to pursue this this career, this lifestyle,
I think figuring out everyone's why, I think it's is important. You know, I feel like if we understood everyone's why there wouldn't be so much judgment.
Christine Macdonald 00:34:04
You know,
Hundred percent. Hundred percent. Wouldn't it be great if everyone was, like, you have mandatory therapy from age twenty.
Lorilee Binstock 00:34:16
Maybe younger.
Christine Macdonald 00:34:17
Right.
Lorilee Binstock 00:34:18
Maybe it's thirteen
Christine Macdonald 00:34:19
Right.
Lorilee Binstock 00:34:19
when you're teenager and there's hormones going and, yes.
Christine Macdonald 00:34:21
Yeah. Yeah. I know. And then and, unfortunately, there's a lot of therapists out there that
they're not that great.
So by finding a therapist
Lorilee Binstock 00:34:29
Yeah.
Christine Macdonald 00:34:31
that you can connect with that you have
that magical
chemist with is not easy. But once you find the right therapist, it really does help with that insight
and
Yeah. It's it's definitely an eye opener when you find out that
everything's connected, Like, everything's
connected. That's why I talk about in the book. I have I've had
the race when I was thirteen, I had the skin disease. There's father abandonment. They're drinking in the house and all of these things the bullying, the stripping everything's linked, you know?
Lorilee Binstock 00:35:03
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:35:04
And so
now that I'm in my fifties,
I look through,
especially
the process of writing the book. I look through a different lens when I'm looking at that little girl, and I think, oh, of course, you ended up a stripper. And I'm not saying that to be... Do you know, I'm saying it to be self def. Like, what chance did I have? Like, of course, I'm gonna end up a distributor. But the the thing that I want people to focus on is not the fact that I was a cliche because I'm the first to say I'm a walking cliche. You know? But it's how I got out of it
Lorilee Binstock 00:35:19
Yeah
Okay.
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:35:37
because I have to say the women that I have reconnected with because it's very difficult to try and find
the girls that I used to work with because you can't do a Google search on candy. Right? You don't know their legal name.
Show
the women that I have reconnected with the the marvel of the Internet, which wasn't around back in our day, God I'm old.
Lorilee Binstock 00:35:59
Yeah
Christine Macdonald 00:36:00
They're... That they're lawyers.
Attorneys, There there are doctors, and and this is just, you know, they own their own businesses. I have a friend that's a makeup artist in Hollywood, all of these wonderful
women that have excel are it's just so nice to know that people have come out the other side and then, you know, there's other other people that are no longer with us and and all of those tragedies. But,
yeah it it can be an uplifting story. It doesn't have to be a dark cloud.
Lorilee Binstock 00:36:29
Right. And, yours is a very very
inspiring story.
Christine Macdonald 00:36:34
Thank you.
Lorilee Binstock 00:36:36
Is there anything else that you would like to add?
Christine Macdonald 00:36:41
Don't compare yourself. If there's any it... And if there's any advice that I would give. Now this goes for men too.
Lorilee Binstock 00:36:42
Mhmm.
Christine Macdonald 00:36:47
I will say,
especially when you're young and impression
passionately in this age of social media where
the attention span of people is probably, like, two seconds.
Lorilee Binstock 00:37:01
It's tech.
Christine Macdonald 00:37:01
Right. Everybody's
right, everybody, and I'm guilty of it as well all a sudden it's seven o'clock. And and it's midnight, I'm like, why have I been scrolling the whole time? But but the thing is it's... It's... We find ourselves
Lorilee Binstock 00:37:06
Me too.
Christine Macdonald 00:37:14
subconsciously
comparing
and I do this all the time, and I have to kinda check myself and say, no no no. Stay in your lane. And I don't remember who said this, but I'm gonna be boo and say, a quote,
comparison is that beef of joy. Comparison is the thief of joy. So if you really stop
Lorilee Binstock 00:37:30
Yes.
Christine Macdonald 00:37:35
comparing yourself with others,
focus on... On who you are, what you wanna accomplice, what your dreams are, who you are is person,
and just let your dreams guide you,
and
you'll end up okay. I think you'll be alright.
And no you're worth is not predicated on what anybody else thinks of you.
That took a long time for me. To understand.
Lorilee Binstock 00:37:59
Yeah. I think I think finding self worth without, you know, with it's it's a it's a difficult
Christine Macdonald 00:37:59
You know?
Lorilee Binstock 00:38:04
thing to do. It's... I mean, it's taken me years and I'm still... I I I struggle, but I'm light years away from who I was,
you know,
Christine Macdonald 00:38:13
Yeah.
Lorilee Binstock 00:38:14
up four years ago.
Christine Macdonald 00:38:16
Mhmm.
Lorilee Binstock 00:38:18
But, yeah, It's just finding it within yourself. And in that and
Christine Macdonald 00:38:20
Yeah. And that's... Yeah. Yeah. It's all about the rewire. Right? You gotta rewire that brain
because we were... We were taught as children that we, you know, we didn't matter. We were invincible
Lorilee Binstock 00:38:26
yep.
Christine Macdonald 00:38:33
I was called work.
Lorilee Binstock 00:38:33
You're just a kid.
Christine Macdonald 00:38:35
Exactly.
Go in the other room, watch Tv.
I was told I was worthless. Almost every day. And so it's very difficult to rewire those
voices, but once you can get control of that,
you know, you're you're good. You're golden. Just say sit in your kid truth, stand in your power,
and don't compare yourself.
Lorilee Binstock 00:38:54
Don't compare yourself that I think that that's key. That's key right there.
Christine Macdonald 00:38:58
Mhmm.
And being a good human being. Be a good person.
You know?
Lorilee Binstock 00:39:02
Yeah.
Christine Macdonald 00:39:03
Yeah.
Lorilee Binstock 00:39:03
Yes.
A hundred percent. Thank you so much. Christine, I really appreciate you joining me today.
Christine Macdonald 00:39:10
Oh, thank you. This is fun.
Lorilee Binstock 00:39:12
I'm glad. I'm glad.
Well, that one's Christine Mcdonald's author of the Memoir face value from Stripper Pull to bearing my soul. For more information on Christine, click on that for scrolling fortune cookie right there in the middle of your screen, that will actually take you to her book. Also, Mark issue of authentic insider now Christine has contributed to that issue, and check out authentic take
thrive dot com. That's trauma survivor thrive dot com. You can find authentic insider there and past issues as well as episodes of this podcast.
If you haven't already, please subscribe to my email list to get authentic insider magazine in your inbox monthly.
Thank you so much for joining me live today. Show like next week, March fifteenth, when I speak with founder of the psychedelic Medicine coalition,
Melissa,
we will be discussing how psychedelics helped her heel from postpartum part depression and how that led her to create the Psychedelic menacing coalition.
You've been listening to a trauma survivor driver's podcast
on Fireside, I'm Lorilee Binstock thanks again for being a part of the conversation.
Take care.