79 - Memorialize Your Facebook (feat. Mark Zuckerberg)

Edge Game

In the early days of facebook Mark Zuckerburg would wander into the company bathrooms and if he noticed someone sitting down in the stalls he would pop his head over and try to talk to them about their projects. Or if he was taking a poop he would host an emergency meeting and he would tell them to come over and pop their head over the stall to talk it out.

Everyone just went along with it because it was either YOLO SILICON VALLEY LMAO or they were just too intimidated.

That all stopped when Michael Moritz, legendary silicon valley investor, and one of Facebook biggest early investors and shareholders, was at the campus doing research for leading a 2nd round of funding. He was doing diligence all day and at one point had to poop and that's when Zuckerburg popped his head over with a smile to ask how's the diligence coming along.

Michael Moritz, not one to mince words, was apoplectic. 'GET THE FUCK OUT HERE YOU IDiOT LIZARD LOOKING FUCKER.' Mark Zuckerburg nervously tried to laugh it off and persisted, because he really loved intimate poop conversations 'Aw c'mon Michael, it's silicon valley'. Zuckerburg finally withdrew when Moritz flung a poop at him.

30 minutes later, Mark was in a very import meeting when Moritz walked into the conference room. 'Everyone except Mark Zuckerburg, OUT'. As intimidated as they were of Zuckerburg, at the time Moritz was the bigger deal, and they all scurried out of the room.

Zuckerburg, however, is not one to be intimated by anyone. Not the Winkewoz twins, not Eduardo Savarn, not Peter Thiel, and not one of his biggest shareholder Michael Moritz. Zuckerburg passionately defended his practice, but Michael Moritz was having none of that. Moritz told him that it was a ticking PR and HR catastrophe, and threatened to pull out of leading the 2nd round of funding if Mark continued, which would have been a calamity for the company.

Zuckerburg pretended to arbitrate 'Ok fine, but you need to give me a good reason'.

Moritz was flabberghasted at this response. Was this a serious question? He answered with the most obvious answer 'Because it's not FUCKING NORMAL'.

Unknown to Moritz, Zuckerburg had guessed a conversation like this would happen as soon as he was kicked out of the toilet stall, and began formulating a strategy to counter Moritz demands. Zuckerburg knew that Moritz would have all the leverage, but Zuckerburg was a master strategist.

Zuckerburg went for the pounce. 'Okay, I'll lets write out an agreement, in writing I'll rescind the policy because it's not normal'. Moritz was dumbfounded, but he was used to being dumbfounded by eccentric tech founders, afterall he was also an early investor in Apple, and he still found Zuckerburg tame compared to Steve Jobs. Moritz had a long day of work so they signed the agreement so that he could go back to doing his due diligence.

When Moritz left, a broad grin spread across Zuckerburg's face. " 'Not Normal' eh? " Zuckerburg said with a menacing laugh. Ever since then, Mark Zuckerburg has been on a life-long crusade to normalize poop conversations.

He had a checklist of what he needed to accomplish in order to realize this. His advisors would tell him it's impossible, but one by one Zuckerburg checked off the list. From trusting Mark with their private photos, to normalizing people giving up their internet browsing privacy.

In 2015, Zuckerburg knew he would hit a wall, having people watch you while you poop was still too much of a leap. That's when Zuckerburg decided to buy Occulus, and eventually shift his company towards virtual reality. If he could coax people into having life-like conversations while they were pooping in a virtual reality, then doing it in the real world wouldn't be too big of a leap.

Zuckerburg only has 3 more boxes to check off before poop conversations are normalized.

Mark Zuckerburg wants to watch you poop.

Are you going to let him?

Yeah I said it. You might be offended. You’ve probably heard this a thousand times before, but believe me you will hear it again. Because it’s deserved. You’re French. A parasite. A slug. A leech. A failure. But, of course, you may think I don’t have evidence to justify this. But you are wrong, as always, your failures stand out like a shining pile of manure among your pristine neighbors. So let me begin. First off, your cuisine. Dogshit. What have you got? Spoiled milk that smells like shit. Okay what else? Alcohol because you need to drown yourself in wine to escape your life. Sounds right. Frog legs? Snails? Yeah, that seems about right for you. But cusine doesn’t matter compared to your successes or lack thereof. What is you history? A long, long list of failures and losses. So let’s start off. The Gauls getting invaded and conquered by the Romans before getting conquered by the Germanic tribes. Getting invaded by the Vikings and forced to give up Normandy to them. You might say you conquered England, but no, those were the Normans who were Viking descendants and actually fucking useful. The Hundred Years’ War. Which you lost. You even needed God to send you a warrior to try to save your sorry ass. Then what? Following the Spanish and Portuguese discovered to the New World and being kicked out of all the good land to an icy tundra. Server you right. Brutally enslaving people in Haiti? No surprise. And then proceeding to demand reputations for their revolt, which you failed to stop, until the mid 20th century, which was what kept your country barley afloat. Then your rulers were so incompetent they were all killed and you had a revolt. Then Napoleon, who wasn’t even born in modern French territory, cause you lost it, and then proceeded to lose. And then you were appointed a monarch by Britain. You even had to sell most of your territory in America, which you couldn’t develop or protect, to the U.S. Then WW1 were with the help of all the allied nations you barley managed to stop the Germans from getting to Paris. Then you built the Maginot line because you knew you couldn’t stop them normally but you built it where they didn’t even attack last time and didn’t finish it. Then they attacked around it, surprised, and you were turned into a puppet nation of the Nazi surrendering almost immediately. Hell, French guards were some of Hitlers last men. It took the combined forces of all of the Allies to actually help you and kick the Nazis out for you. You’ve had so, so may revolutions since then because of your incompetence. You want to talk about shootings in the U.S? Well how about your history of bloodshed violence and failure. Unrest? Look at all your riots. Hell, at one point your naval flag was a white flag. TF2? Yeah you play spy cause you can’t even fight correctly. What are you known for? Failure. Justly, you are losers, and always will be. Go fuck yourselves and become a decent country like your neighbors. But that’s not all. Speaking of your neighbors, let’s look at their successes. Spain and Portugal actually have good food and managed to colonize almost the entirety of South and Central America, conquering Empires and making a name. Britain, controlling almost a 1/4 of the land on Earth and kicking your ass almost every time. Germany, the heart of the E.U, able to fight against the entirety of Europe twice in a row, the Holy Roman Empire, fighting and controlling the Pope? Inventing Lutheranism and the printing press? Oh how about Poland, the winged Hussars, all of them coming together to fend off the Ottomans and Mongols. Italy, with some of the best cuisine in the world, the Roman Empire, which kicked your ass, the Pope, the Church, Florence, Rome, incredibly important. All of them so, so much better than you. Of course, you might say the past is no indication of the future. And you have a bit of a point. But really, what have you done? There is a short, short list of deeds in which you have not failed. You have an unstable, failing government. You have a weaker military than UK, U.S, China, etc, etc. You are by far the weakest member on the UN Security Council, an unfunny joke, a gag. Your economy is weaker than any of these good nations. Your “luxury” products suck and and overpriced shit shows. Culturally, you have jack shit. You seem to have missed out on the Renaissance and basically every other period of advancement. Ethically, you hate migrants, in fact you hate everyone. Your national anthem is so fucking baton is listing despite having nothing to be proud of, talking about using countries as fertilizer, yeah bud that’s not going to happen. One thing you did good was have nuclear energy, but your government realized its mistake in doing something halfway fucking decent for once and is now removing power plants and nuclear energy. So fuck off. You are a failure without anything good to say for yourself. Not one accomplishment. Nobody wants you. They pity you for the whole you’ve dug yourself in. You will not get my respect or sympathy. So leave, and never come back.