The Secret to Loving Yourself

Love Over Addiction

For those of you who have been following my blog or listening to The Wife of an Alcoholic Podcast, you know that I used to do yoga on a pretty regular basis.

I had just turned 40, I was feeling tired of my exercise routine, and I needed something that was a lot more gentle and a lot more reflective. I was also in a difficult spot physically.

But I was really into yoga and loving it, and then Hurricane Irma came. We evacuated our house and couldn’t get back in for over a week, so my exercise routine dropped by the wayside. Then I found myself in a really weird place.

I’m not a person who loves to exercise, so it’s not weird for me to feel like I don't want to work out. That’s pretty normal for me. But I just couldn’t find the motivation to do anything.

I love to pray, and I didn’t want to pray. I love meditation, and I had no interest in that. I’m a huge advocate of self-care, but I just could not bring myself to do anything.

And I found myself in a really numbed out place which made me panic because that’s not like me. I’m very ambitious and driven. I get up in the morning, and I think, “Okay, what needs to be done? Let’s get through this to do list.”

But this was the season in my life. I actually went to talk to somebody about it because I was so scared that I would never get out of it. I went to see a therapist, and during my session, she said, “Michelle, you're in the wilderness.”

She was right.

It was the perfect thing that I needed to hear to let me know that the wilderness is temporary.

I didn't know how long I would be feeling stuck in this spot where I was tired, unmotivated, and dull. I felt like I just wanted to be lazy, and I just wanted to sit on the couch for weeks on end. My creativity and my curiosity were gone which was not a place I had ever been to before.

It scared me, but I knew, based on the session with her, that it would return. This was temporary. I trusted that I would be able to learn a lot from this situation.

There were lessons that I needed to discover in this period of my life.

During this time, I moved to Tampa and, very slowly, I started to get that desire back. I started to feel the little bit of light in me that got stronger and stronger with each day.

But I think the number one lesson I learned during my wilderness stage was something that was reiterated to me today when I was running.

There were women passing me that looked amazing, toned, and tanned. They looked like they were running for fun which is something I cannot understand on any level whatsoever.

While I was running, I can’t tell you how many times I looked at the app on my phone to see how many minutes I had left. I was suffering.

Suffering.

There is no podcast, no music, no specific running shoes that I could spend a bazillion dollars on that will make this more enjoyable for me.

But I am determined. So I’m out there running, and this beautiful woman runs past me who’s probably 12-15 years older than I am. My 13 minutes had just ended, and then she whizzed by.

My first thought to myself was, “Why can't I be more like that? Why can't I be more like her?” Then it hit me. And I remembered thinking, “Michelle, you did well. You just ran 13 minutes in a row, and you didn’t stop. You did well. I’m proud of you. You can do this.”

That loving, compassionate, soft whisper of a voice healed my soul in ways that I needed so badly.

And it brought me back to that time when I was in the wilderness.

The way I got out of the wilderness was by being gentle and kind to myself.

I talk a lot about this in the Love Over Addiction program and on The Wife of an Alcoholic Podcast because it works.

So today I want to ask you: what if you became your biggest fan?

I know a lot of us, including myself, depend on the ones we love to make us feel good. We look for validation from other people or through our accomplishments.

My mom is married to one of the most wonderful men in the world. And I grew up around this man telling her how beautiful she was. He wrote her love letters and brought her flowers. He was so adoring.

I remember one time we went on a trip together. Every day he had hidden a new card in her bag so that she could wake up and read how much he loved her.

They were married. This isn’t even like they were dating.

They were married.

He had sealed the deal. And he’s still putting all this effort into showing her how much he loved her. It’s amazing.

You know what I heard my mom do, though? After he told her, “Peggy, you look so beautiful,” I heard my mom say, “No, I don't. I look ridiculous. I’m dirty. I’ve just been working in the garden for hours. How could you say I’m beautiful?”

And I also have a friend whose husband’s love language is words of affirmation. If you’ve not read that book, I highly suggest it. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. My friend’s husband is fabulous at telling her these amazing lines that just blow me away. But I hear her dismiss it.

And the reason this happens is because having someone tell us all the things we crave to hear does not mean as much to us if we don’t already believe them about ourselves.

Today on my run, it was far more powerful to tell myself that it was okay and that I was doing a great job than it was for anybody else to tell me that.

It was so nurturing to me to be the soft whisper in my head that suggests I should be compassionate and loving to me.

So let me ask you another question. What have you done that you're proud of?

Today I ran for 13 minutes straight. What did you do? And do not tell me you haven’t done anything. I know you. I know that there are so many things you can list off that you are proud of.

So I want you to take a moment and pause. And I want you to think about what you have done. It can be in the last week, the last six months, or the last year.

What have you done in your life that you are proud of?

Did you think of something?

What loving message do you need to tell yourself right now? This morning, I needed to tell myself that what I was doing was good enough. I needed to congratulate myself and celebrate the fact that I was making an effort. It might not be as good as everybody else around me, but I was trying.

I want you to pause, and I want you to be still. Just give yourself 60 seconds to think, and then tell yourself what you need to hear in your most loving and gentle voice.

Say it out loud. It can be a monologue, or it can be one sentence. But do it right now.

I am so proud of you for taking the time to be loving and thoughtful with yourself.

I promise you that if you are willing to whisper to yourself on a regular basis, all of the deliciously kind and sweet thoughts about you, you are going to be transformed and offer the loving, sweet thoughts to others. You will no longer be looking to everybody else for the acceptance that you need to give yourself.

The truth is the love you're looking for, the one that's healing, the one that’s going to replace all of the negativity that addiction brings into our life—that love is offered to us by ourselves.

We couldn’t turn to the people around us to provide that love even if they were sober—even if the one we love did not struggle with substance abuse or addiction.

Women who are in sober relationships need to practice this too.

And if you are a woman of faith (not everybody is, but if you are), then think of this as the Holy Spirit whispering to that deepest part of you the love that you know is being offered.

We are a movement of very powerful, amazing women who are willing to give a voice to this disease. We are willing to step up and help each other and encourage one another because strength grows in numbers, and we are growing, and we are strong.

So if you haven’t joined us yet, head over to TheLoveOverWay.com to learn more about the programs we have to offer.