EP096: Sexual Shame

The Intimate Lifestyle

Sexual shame and performance mindset are just some of issues that have plagued human sexuality. An episode 2 years in the making, today’s guest, Jordan Gray, is someone I’ve known for years – I’ve seen him grow his business revolving around sex and relationship from the ground up.

A sex and relationship coach for 7 and a half years, he started it through offline coaching and expanded online 5 years ago. His business had been growing steadily since, allowing him to reach and help people around the world with their relationships and sexuality.

Today, Jordan Gray joins me on the show to talk about shame, performance mindset, (which he personally experienced), his recommendations to overcome these, and a few social justice rants sprinkled with some movie references.

Listen as we discuss:

• How he ended up in the field of sex and relationship coaching which may be traced as early as when he was 15 years old, and a major break-up that drove him to figure out social skills and dating (3:34).
• The concept of sex positivity and how a majority of humanity lives with sexual shame in default which he's compared to being raised into a Western diet (6:10).
• Netherland’s sex-positive culture where sex education starts as early as kindergarten, impacting teen pregnancy rates, STD/STI cases and sexual experience (10:13).
• Our experience and journey with sexual shame and how Jordan views sexual shame, addiction and performance mindset (13:27).
• His clients’ recurring issues involving shame, addiction, anxiety, approval-seeking, and conditional love that is reflected years in the future in different areas of their lives like their careers, businesses, relationships, and sex (17:25).
• The ways sexual performance mindset manifests as key performance indicators (22:25), and dealing with performance mindset, rejection and people in our relationships (23:08).
• How his relativistic worldview affects how he deals with people with different value systems and life choices (25:30).
• What he poses as the antidote to move through sexual shame by acknowledging that sex is about feelings instead of performance (27:48), espousing love in our relationships, and practicing self-compassion (42:27).
• The role that self-reflection and self-awareness of our inner narrative plays in attracting people, into our lives, who reinforce these stories about ourselves (29:20).
• How women experience sexual shame and performance mindset through body image issues, submission, servitude and orgasm-centeredness (36:31).
• The idea of sacrificing some relationships to make room for self-honor (45:00).
• How I dealt with a client who has these issues by changing their mindset so they view sex as an experience instead of just about orgasm, and Jordan’s insights on how to resolve it (47:26).
• Overcoming performance mindset, how the process of healing happens by taking pressure off one’s self, and a behavioral therapy type approach where you do what it is that you’re scared of (52:21).

I hope you enjoyed our conversation and was able to understand the issues and the resolutions Jordan recommends to overcome these, have better relationships and enjoy sex better. If you want to reach Jordan Gray, check out JordanGrayConsulting.

Did you enjoy the episode? I would love to hear your thoughts or questions by emailing info [at] theintimatelifestyle.com. I’d also love it if you can share this to your social networks so The Intimate Lifestyle can reach more people and gain support.

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