"I Don't Want To Sleep With You": Navigating a Disappointing Herpes Disclosure: Rejection vs Decision

The Pretty Uncomfortable Podcast

Here's the shocking thing about herpes- it's not a big deal. No really, it's not a big deal. It can seem that if you have herpes, that is just the story you need to tell yourself to make the sting of having an STI feel better. But here's the thing about having herpes, or any STI; suddenly you are forced into a world that is unfamiliar, and so you LEARN. You read. Research. Educate yourself. And suddenly you are shocked to learn that truly, this is not a big deal.

After my diagnosis I thought my dating life was over. I knew nothing about herpes other than what I learned in a severely lacking education system that consistently fails us with sexual health information, and of course media. And so my scared little mind was flooded with the horrible images from google, the mean jokes I heard from movies and television, the jokes I heard from social settings. But then I educated myself, because suddenly this was MINE. I dove into the world of herpes information- everything from the CDC, WHO, social media accounts, magazine articles. If I am being honest, I thought I was going to be doom scrolling, reading horrible information that was going to validate my feelings of fear. Instead, I was faced with so many facts that blew my mind. I had NO clue what a large portion of the world's population has herpes. I had no clue that having herpes did not, in fact, mean the you were suddenly walking around with a constant herpes outbreak. I was shocked to discover how little of an impact it truly has on a person's everyday life, and especially their dating life.

There is a sense of empowerment when you realize those scary feelings were silly. That you are going to be ok. It is not that hard to turn it all around and feel quite confident with your diagnosis. And you will see that confidence, and positivity, everywhere throughout the sexual health social media accounts and media articles. And that is truly fucking FABULOUS. But this is where I casually stand up to insert a little HOWEVER in all this fabulousness....

While it is SO important to know that you are going to be ok with your diagnosis. That you are going to have a great and active dating life if you choose to. That your life is going to be barely affected by your herpes. It is also SO important to know that sometimes, it just fucking sucks. AND THAT IS OK. Seriously friend, it is ok if you feel like a badass with your herpes diagnosis, and also cry about your herpes diagnosis.

I have had a very active and successful dating life since my diagnosis almost 6 years ago. I barely think about. I can easily and comfortably admit that I still get incredibly nervous when I have to have the disclosure discussion with a new partner, but I also get incredibly nervous when I have to talk to the lady at the cash register in the grocery store, so there's that. But I still can stand on pretty firm footing with my positivity and confidence while living with a positive status. But sometimes that confidence gets rocked. And it feels uncomfortable. And I think of some of the sexual health accounts I follow online, and all of their positivity surrounding herpes, and I feel almost ashamed that I am feeling bad about myself because of my diagnosis. It makes me feel alone.

My goal is to make sure you truly know that having an STI is NOT a big deal, but that also, sometimes it DOES hurt. And that is so damn ok. And you are not alone if you are feeling this. And there is nothing wrong with feeling this. You are not alone- the thing is, most people just don't talk about the other side of things. Those damn uncomfortable things. So dammit, let's just get snuggled into the discomfort for a minute! Let's have a cuddle puddle with the uncomfy so that you can see that we have all felt this and you are not alone.

In this episode I discuss a herpes disclosure that was disappointing, and really rocked my confidence. It brought up so many feelings that really bothered me. It made me question how I could stand online and spew so much positivity surrounding the subject, while then crying on my couch in disappointment. I felt ashamed of myself, because the people I looked up to in the sexual health world never shared this side of things. Maybe I'm not good enough if I am letting this rock me like this. Maybe I should not have a platform where I share my stories if I can't keep my positivity about this. But then I thought, FUCK THAT. I just feel alone because they aren't talking about it. It doesn't mean they don't FEEL it. They are simply not sharing it.

Join me in a conversation where I share how I disclose, why I disclose the way I do, how I handle a "rejection", and why we need to reframe the idea of it being a rejection at all; it is someone simply making a decision. I will share my personal story of a disclosure that left me in tears of disappointment, and why it is not productive to be upset with the person telling you no. I'll share my view on why I disagree with my friends that say "you are better off without them" simply because they were not comfortable sleeping with me. And we will explore the difference between someone making an informed decision to not sleep with you, versus someone making a decision based on misinformation.

Be sure to explore my library of episodes for numerous discussions about the journey of having herpes, as well as the links below to some of my favorite social media accounts that educate on herpes and sexual health in general. And never, ever, be afraid to slide in my DMs if you have any questions about the topic. Don't forget...I'm your safe word! And if you are shy, you can also find a link below to ask questions anonymously.

Now let's go get weird!

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Social Media Accounts about Herpes & Sexual Health

Courtney Brame https://www.instagram.com/courtneybrame_/

Positive Results (this account is inactive, but has been one of my go-to’s for years) https://www.instagram.com/positive_results_us/

Safe Slut https://www.instagram.com/safe.slut/

Sexelducation https://www.instagram.com/sexelducation/

Herpes- Related Articles

Hello Wisp: Having Sex With Someone Who Has Herpes

https://hellowisp.com/blog/having-sex-with-someone-who-has-herpes?

World Health Organization: Herpes Fact Sheet

https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/herpes-simplex-viru

Hello Wisp: Which Major STD Isn’t Part of Normal Screening

https://hellowisp.com/blog/which-major-std-isnt-part-of-normal-screening

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PRETTY UNCOMFORTABLE PODCAST HERPES EPISODES:

Dating with Herpes: You are still f*cking fabulous…and absolutely f*ckable

https://www.podbean.com/ew/pb-cpg8q-13818b1

Herpes Disclosures: Don’t Leave Your Partners Out in The Cold...You Need To Disclose If You Get Coldsores

https://www.podbean.com/ew/pb-qajgc-13beab8

Herpes & OnlyFans: How An STI & An Adult Content Site Share The Same Stigmas & Why We Should Rethink Our Judgements

https://www.podbean.com/ew/pb-bppsv-142fb5c

The B-Sides: A Partner’s Reaction to a Herpes Outbreak- Both Mine AND His

https://www.podbean.com/ew/pb-69hxw-13beff8

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Pretty Uncomfortable | TikTok

https://www.tiktok.com/@teravee0?lang=en

Pretty Uncomfortable | Website

https://prettyuncomfortable.com

Tera Vee | Instagram

https://www.instagram.com/tera_vee

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ASK ANONYMOUSLY

Have a topic you would like to talk about? Or a question you may be shy or embarrassed to ask? You can safely ask all of your questions anonymously HERE! I’m always and forever your safe word.

https://ngl.link/tera_vee