Shame, Certainty, Memory and Healing: An Updated Approach to Treating Betrayal Trauma

The Virtual Couch

Tony Overbay, LMFT, and Marla Christensen, AMFT, APCC, dive deep into the complexities of betrayal trauma, focusing on the emotional and cognitive challenges faced by both partners. They explore how the betrayer's shame and fragmented memories often lead to staggered disclosures, which can further traumatize the betrayed partner. Over time, understanding the flawed nature of memory, the impact of shame, our desire to alleviate discomfort at almost any cost, and the human need for certainty is crucial. By developing emotional regulation, better communication skills, and a deeper understanding of oneself and each other, couples can approach the formal disclosure process with less pain, more intention and compassion, and potentially more realistic expectations. This discussion highlights the importance of patience, education, and therapeutic support in healing betrayal trauma.

Tony shares the continuing evolution of his therapeutic approach for working with betrayal trauma, building off of his work with hundreds of couples over the past decade. Tony emphasizes the need to intentionally delay full disclosure until a strong foundation of emotional skills and mutual understanding is built. He explains how therapists must remain differentiated and confident in their methods to guide couples through this challenging process. By focusing on the concepts of memory, certainty, emotional immaturity, and effective communication, Tony and Marla offer valuable insights for anyone navigating the painful path of betrayal trauma.

If you are interested in contacting or working with Marla, reach out to her at [e-mail]

00:00 Welcome Back to the Virtual Couch

00:24 Understanding Dual Licensing

01:50 The Licensing Exam Experience

02:31 Introducing the Controversial Theory on Betrayal Trauma

03:39 The Concept of Formal Disclosure

06:34 Personal Experiences with Staggered Disclosure

09:15 Confabulation and Memory Mechanisms

15:55 Therapeutic Approaches to Betrayal Trauma

19:03 Recognizing Signs of Discouragement

20:48 The Two-Choice Dilemma

22:46 Understanding Memory and Its Challenges

27:10 The Quest for Certainty in Relationships

34:39 The Concept of Lying and Its Implications

36:19 Final Thoughts and Reflections

To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch

Available NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course

Please follow Tony’s newest Instagram account for the Waking Up to Narcissism podcast https://www.instagram.com/wutnpod/ as well as Tony’s account https://www.instagram.com/tonyoverbay_lmft/

Subscribe to Tony's latest podcast, "Waking Up to Narcissism Q&A - Premium Podcast," on the Apple Podcast App. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/waking-up-to-narcissism-q-a/id1667287384

Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony's "Magnetize Your Marriage" virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you'll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage.

You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com

Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ