053 – Seeing The Life That Could Have Been

Who Am I Really?

Meredith had enough adoptees around her growing up that adoption was no big deal. Yet, her parents never felt comfortable actually discussing adoption. After getting pregnant, and spurred on by her mother-in-law’s intuition that Meredith wanted answers, she started searching. When her social worker found her biological parents, they were married with children. Her reunion has filled her with mixed emotions because she’s thankful for the life she’s led but’s she’s seen the family photos for the life that could have been.

The post 053 – Seeing The Life That Could Have Been appeared first on Who Am I...Really? Podcast.

Meredith (00:03):

In the beginning. I, I didn't set boundaries for myself, for the relationship with them, for, I didn't give myself time to feel anything. I think I was, you know, adoptees are people pleasers and that's what I was being. And I was so concerned about what everyone else was feeling. And I don't, I didn't recognize what I was going through. And I think maybe that's why I struggle a little bit more now with my emotions.

Damon (00:35):

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? This is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I'm Damon Davis and on today's show is Meredith. She called me from Northern Virginia, but her story takes place up North in a small town in Massachusetts. There, she felt loved and adoption was no big deal growing up because there were adoptees around her and life was good. Her reunion happened quickly, but it was transformative for her when she learned her biological parents were together and her adopted parents felt betrayed. This is Meredith's journey. Meredith grew up in a quaint little town in Western Massachusetts. She said she doesn't remember even being told, but she always knew she was adopted. She also had an older sister, also adopted, but unrelated to herself, coincidentally Meredith's childhood best friend who lived right across the street was also an adoptee. So

Meredith (01:49):

It just felt very normal to me. And then actually the day that I was adopted, I was adopted a month after I was born. Uh, we celebrate that as my special day. And, um, my mom always would make cupcakes for the class at school. Um, so it was kind of like a second birthday for me.

Damon (02:10):

That is so cool

Meredith (02:10):

Yeah. And we still, you know, she'll send me a special day card every year, which I still get. So yeah, it's always just been something that made me feel unique.

Damon (02:21):

Both sisters got birthday and special day celebrations and the girls were made to feel cherished and loved Meredith said she always had questions about adoption, but when she was younger, sometimes she would get a little pushback from her mother when she broached the topic. So she usually didn't

Meredith (02:38):

It didn't, I didn't start to really think about it more until I was like in high school. And I don't know if it was partly my curiosity too, but a lot of people would ask me questions, which I think maybe sparked like me wanting to know more too. Does that make sense?

Damon (02:58):

Something that you haven't really Thought about, but as other people think about it more and more, it definitely invades your own mind. Right?

Meredith (03:06):

Right. But honestly, when I was in high school, like I didn't even know where to start. I, I, wasn't still in contact with the other adoptee friend that I had. So I didn't really have a community of people who understood it or even knew like how to help me.

Damon (03:22):

Those were pre-internet days in the 1990s. So while she wanted to search for her relatives, Meredith didn't have any ways to do so easily. While in high school, she says she didn't talk about adoption much with others on any meaningful level until she got married. She discussed being adopted with her husband and her mother-in-law.

Meredith (03:42):

Cause she's just a very curious person. And she would ask me a lot of questions. And she's actually someone who helped me a lot in my search when I actually got answers.

Damon (03:53):

Meredith thinks that part of the reason she didn't search sooner was a little bit of fear, a lack of a real support system. And just not even knowing where to start narrative has already said that she only casually discussed adoption with others. So I wondered what it was about her mother-in-law that made Meredith open up.

Meredith (04:12):

I think maybe because I knew that she genuinely cares about me and I think she saw that I wanted answers. And you know, sometimes you just need that little push that person to nudge you along and bring that out of you. And I feel like I knew that she would support any decision or outcome and she would be there for me.

Damon (04:36):

So her curiosity, her curiosity and support, evoked a feeling of trust. Yeah. for sure, just after Meredith and her husband got engaged in 2008. They were back in Western Massachusetts for her bridal shower. Her future mother-in-law traveling with them. The group was at Meredith's mother's house. And since adoption was an open topic among them, they decided to have a look at her baby book, which had her adoption information easily accessible within it.

Meredith (05:06):

And we were just curious, and we were looking through adoption papers that my mom had just, um, non identifying information. And we noticed something on one of the papers. There was some whiteout and I had a friend with me there too. And so my mother in law and the friend noticed the whiteout and then they got kind of sparked my interest. You know, I've looked at these papers all my life. Why have I never questioned this whiteout? Um, so we start investigating and realized that there's a name under there. And we couldn't tell what the name was. It started with an E you know, we, we weren't sure

Damon (05:43):

The friend and her mother-in-law were trying to figure out what the name under the whiteout could have been, but it was a covert operation and Meredith didn't want her mother to know they were analyzing her adoption records. The whole thing got her kind of freaked out. So they made copies of the documents and she let her curiosity subside for years, Meredith was thinking about having children. So the classic adoptee desire for health information was on her mind. But that piece of paper with redacted information also lingered in the recesses to. Additionally, her mother-in-law could really tell that she wanted answers. So she suggested they dig in to start a search and Meredith agreed. The documents she had gave a little bit of information about Meredith's birth parents. So they tried to triangulate for who the people could be, but there just wasn't enough to go on. Meredith contacted the adoption agency that did her adoption, which had transferred her records to the hospital where she was born.

Meredith (06:45):

So I called contacted the hospital where my file was. And basically they gave me the same thing. You know, it's a closed adoption. All we can give you is non identifying information. You need to send us a written document with a signature, just requesting the information. So that's what I did. And then I got a call back from them when they pulled my file. So she told me that in my file, there was a letter from my birth mom when I w that was written when I was one day old. And it basically said that if I ever made contact that she wanted to be contacted.

Damon (07:26):

Wow.

Meredith (07:27):

Yeah. So I guess technically that gives permission to open the file, but since it had been 30 years, she had to find her first and make sure that she still wanted to be contacted.

Damon (07:42):

Yeah. But that must have been heartening for you to know that in the moment that she was making these decisions, she did want to know you again one day.

Meredith (07:52):

Yeah. Yeah. It was kinda crazy. And I was actually working full time at the, at the time. While, while I was getting the call phone calls and I just, I remember like sitting at my desk just like bawling my eyes out in the middle of the Workday. Um, just trying to like deal with this and then not being able to focus all day,

Damon (08:16):

Oh my gosh, I can. So remember that feeling. So did they read you the letter over the, over the phone?

Meredith (08:22):

No. So she did send me the letter, which actually is funny because she told me when you get the letter, don't be alarmed because it's addressed to a different name, but that was your name at birth. And the name was Elaine. So it just confirms that the name that was whited out on that original document I had was Elaine. Cause we knew it started with an E.

Damon (08:46):

wow. You were hot on the trail. That's really interesting.

Meredith (08:51):

Yeah. So, yeah, so I did get that letter. Um, it was handwritten, it was very emotional. Um, just explaining why they had to give me up and basically that she, she didn't know the future, you know, she hoped that her and at the time her boyfriend were, you know, would stay together, but she didn't know the future. And financially they, you know, they, they were just out of high school. They didn't live together. They didn't have a house, they didn't have real jobs. So, um, it was, it was basically based on, you know, just not feeling like they could provide a better life for me.

Damon (09:34):

How did you identify with the name Elaine, when you finally read it?

Meredith (09:39):

Um, I mean, it's a little strange for me. I, I wrote a found out that it's actually my birth mother's middle name. So it's, it's very meaningful to me. I mean, she knew she was giving me up and so I don't know. I feel, I feel like it's, it's special and it means something to me, but obviously it's

Damon (09:59):

Yeah. You grew up as Meredith.

Meredith (10:02):

Yeah.

Damon (10:03):

Going to see, yeah. To see another name and have it actually be your former identity. It's very, it's, it's weird.

Meredith (10:13):

Yeah, it is.

Damon (10:15):

So Meredith waited impatiently for the social worker to get back in contact with her while they attempted to locate her birth mother.

Meredith (10:22):

My mother in law actually kept pushing too. And you know, kept calling the social worker like, come on. Like we really need some answers. Cause at this point I was like, I've waited 30 years. I feel like I'm so close that like, I just need answers now. Yeah.

Damon (10:38):

They learned that the notes in her adoption file showed that her parents called the adoption agencies several times after Meredith's birth to see how their baby was doing within a few months, just before Christmas, that year, the social worker called back with news.

Meredith (10:54):

Okay. So I get a phone call from the social worker saying I made contact because lo and behold, no one up North changes their phone number. They happen to have the same phone number. And um, she said, Oh, I need to tell you your birth mom married your birth dad. And they're still married today.

Damon (11:18):

Wow. What did you think when you heard that?

Meredith (11:22):

I never in a million years thought that that would be the outcome. So then immediately I'm like, Oh my God, do they have kids.

Damon (