081 – I’ve Got The World By The Tail

Who Am I Really?

Sandee shared the story of her life with an adopted brother who was coddled by their mother, so much so, that it reinforced her own natural position as a Daddy’s girl. That favoritism forced Sandee’s independence from her mother, but also created a bit of a rift between them. Locating her birth mother happened very quickly once she was offered some search assistance. But when those same volunteers couldn’t find anything about her birth father, Sandee questioned whether her birth mother had been honest about her conception. Luckily, when the truth was finally revealed through DNA, Sandee’s life turned out to be proof of something her paternal half-sister already suspected.

Read Full TranscriptSandee: 00:02 I had told her that we had made contact and that we talked on the phone and by text. I can remember telling her that and saying, are you going to be okay with that? And she said, well, I don’t have a choice now do I? And I was like, Ooh, I guess I didn’t handle this very well. And she was not good with it. It hurt her, which I hate that it hurt her, but at the same time it really had nothing to do with her.

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Damon: 00:47 This is Who Am I Really? A podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I’m Damon Davis and on today’s show is Sandee. She called me from Arkansas. Sandee shared the story of her life with an adopted brother who was coddled by their mother. So much so that it reinforced her own natural position as daddy’s girl. Locating her birth mother happened very quickly once she was offered some search assistance, but when those same volunteers couldn’t find anything about her birth father Sandee questioned whether her birth mother had been honest about her conception. Luckily, when the truth was finally revealed through DNA, Sandee’s life turned out to be proof of something her paternal half sister already suspected. This is Sandee’s journey. First, Fun fact about Sandee, Her world revolves around animals.

Sandee: 01:43 I have seven dogs and four cats, two non releasable raccoons, and right now I’m babysitting my brother’s bird.

Damon: 01:51 You might hear a few of those guys contributing in the background of this episode. Sandee told me she grew up with one brother who was also adopted. She said she could remember the day when she was about seven, her brother was about nine, and their parents called the children into their bedroom for a talk. When they revealed the kids were adopted, she really didn’t understand. They were just their parents’ kids.

Sandee: 02:15 Uh, I find it very annoying when, when the news stories, will talk about whatever celebrity and their adopted child. It’s not their adopted child, it’s just their child.

Damon: 02:24 Yeah that’s right.

Sandee: 02:24 It doesn’t matter if it’s adopted, it’s just their child.

Damon: 02:28 Sandee had a good upbringing with probably the same levels of dysfunction that many families have, no matter how they were formed.

Sandee: 02:36 I was daddy’s girl all the way, which is good because my brother was and, until my mom died, a Mama’s boy. Although it, it did make having a good relationship with my mom difficult.

Damon: 02:49 How so?

Sandee: 02:49 She was always there for him, always. Whatever he needed, whatever he wanted. But that didn’t leave her as available for me, which is why I went closer to my dad. My brother and I, we fought like cats and dogs our entire lives. And I, I can remember, you know, he used to, he used to bully me. He used to terrorize me. Um, cause both my parents worked. So after school, you know, I would find any after school activities so I didn’t have to go home until mom and dad got home from work. I can remember one time my mom saying to me, well, if he hit you, you must’ve been asking for it. And later in life I thought, yeah, that’s what you want to teach your daughter that you’re asking for it, if a guy hits you.

Damon: 03:46 That’s a horrible message.

Sandee: 03:46 Yeah. Yeah. But I don’t think my mom had ever been hit by a guy, so I don’t think she, she thought of it that way. And let’s face it, you know, my brother was the golden child in her eyes.

Damon: 04:01 Did her favoritism for him overshadow your father’s favoritism for you or your, you know what I mean? Like was hers so powerful that it was, you know, cast a shadow over your relationship with your dad at all? Do you know what I mean?

Sandee: 04:20 I know one time my mom asked my dad why he always took my side and he said, well, probably because you always take his side. So I think it, I think it turned out to be a balancing thing. But with my mom always being busy with my brother and always doing for my brother and having basically not a whole lot left for me, and this is not to say that she didn’t love me. She truly did. And I’ve talked about this with a friend of mine who was adopted because her mom had the same relationship with her brother. It’s not that we were stronger and didn’t need you as much, it’s that we didn’t get you as much, so we became stronger.

Damon: 05:08 Oh, that’s really interesting. Let me ask, you know, one of the classic things that I think of, you know, with a mother daughter relationship is when a young lady sort of comes of age, so to speak, there’s certain things that women need to talk about behind a closed door that dads are not going to be very good at. How were those discussions with your mom if you guys weren’t that close?

Sandee: 05:28 I remember we had them, once, but it was not comfortable and I can remember not having a clue what she was talking about when I left. You know when when the conversation was over,

Damon: 05:42 she was so uncomfortable that she didn’t really sort of bring you in and make you understand the content of the conversation?

Sandee: 05:49 Right. I learned it the old fashioned way, from my friends. You know we and that’s okay. That was far comfortable than than it would’ve been with mom.

Damon: 06:00 How was your father’s relationship with your brother?

Sandee: 06:04 Not very good. Not very good.

Damon: 06:06 In what ways?

Sandee: 06:08 I think my dad felt like mom’s priority was my brother over my Dad. Where two parents should have a unified front with their children, but I think she, he felt like mom would always choose Kevin instead of him

Damon: 06:31 in her twenties, Sandee’s father disclosed that when her parents adopted her brother, his wife told him that if he ever laid a hand on her son, she would leave him. Sandee thinks that comment stems from what her mother knew about the abuse her father received from his parents as a child. Her mother was setting the tone right off the bat. Her father also shared with her that when her mom was a teen, she became pregnant. Her mother went and lived with her sister and brother in law in Texas, had the baby and gave it up for adoption. Sandee believes that baby was a boy and her brother was somehow intended to replace the baby she gave up. Her mother never said a word about it, but little bits of information she learned from her mom, who had no idea she knew, seemed to fit. Sandee said her parents had a great marriage. She just thinks that her father gave in a lot to satisfy her mother’s desire to care for her brother, which she basically did until her death in 2015. Sandee and her brother are both adults, so I asked her what she meant when she said her mother cared for her adult brother. Sandee said her mother bought her brother his home, financed his business, bought his groceries, and paid his utility bills.

Sandee: 07:47 She never cut the apron strings.

Damon: 07:50 Wow.

Sandee: 07:52 And I had told her at one point, I was, my biggest fear was that when she was gone, he wouldn’t be able to take care of stuff. And he struggles...