My Daughter Won’t Talk To Me and Says I Ruined Her Life! What Do I Do?

Jo & JJ Go Mental

This week we talk about Penelope, a recent divorcee whose 16-year-old daughter blames her for ruining her life. She is taking out her anger on Penelope and it seems to be having an impact on the household and their mother/daughter relationship. Penelope’s situation sparks a deeper conversation about setting family contracts into place, when to have tough conversations with your kids and bringing in awareness to know which events that may trigger you that have nothing to do with your children.

Takeaway:

[2:27] New project announcements! J.J. is finalising her third book and it's all about narcissists! It will be out soon, and will be edgy, smart, and most of all — helpful to many people.

[7:24] This week we are talking about Penelope, who recently got divorced. Her 16 year old daughter says that this ruined her life, and she is very withdrawn and now just sits at dinner pushing food around her plate, refusing to eat, and determined to piss Penelope off! What should Penelope do?

[8:05] The first step is validating your daughter’s feelings. She should know that it’s okay to feel angry, sad, etc., and your door is always open to listen. However, it’s not okay for her to act on those emotions towards you and break family values and boundaries.

[10:14] It is not a requirement that Penelope’s 16 year old daughter validate or empathize Penelope’s emotions. You give to your kids, and they give to their kids. They are not there to emotionally soothe you.

[10:30] Penelope could tell her daughter that she can talk about any feelings, but it must be done respectfully and there will be consequences to breaking family values. She should reassure her that the divorce was not because of anything she did, nor does it mean she is any less loved.

[12:48] This situation raises an interesting question — at what point are kids old enough to be told the realities of difficult life situations? Here we discuss sharing details on a divorce, but this might also be relevant for talking about money difficulties, losing your job, serious illnesses…It is true that kids often pick up on what is happening in the household - and that is different to baring all or bad mouthing in the relationship. It’s not an easy question, nor is there an easy answer.

[15:42] It is up to the parents to get clear on family values and to communicate the consequences when/if they are broken. This brings clarity into the household, keeps boundaries strong and the kids safe. This is equally relevant after a divorce, and perhaps even more so. If both parents can’t agree on one contract, each household has its own separate contract. Also, it is important not to disparage the other parent in front of your child. It's equally important to reinforce that a “contract” does not have to be a long scary thing, and it will evolve as your kids get older.

[17:04] Reinforce what your daughter is doing right. The less “what if” thinking they can do about thinking everything is their fault or if the situation would be different had they acted differently the better.

[18:41] Take it from J.J., it could be much, much worse than your daughter acting out by just pushing food around a plate! Don’t put your food issues on your kid, and if you are worried about them being under/over weight, it’s best to talk to a doctor. It’s the emotions that we validate, not thoughts and not the behavior.

[24:02] Jo raises the point that there may be certain behaviours of your kid that will trigger things in you, things that are more about your own life experience than the kids themselves. We talk here how watching your kid push food around the table may trigger memories of your own experiences with food. But that doesn't mean that your kid has a problem. Just that you are being triggered. Take responsibility for being mindful and recognizing your triggers before you are in an emotionally intense situation. Make a list of triggers that are your sensitive points where you could get hooked and could project onto your kids when it really comes from within you.

[30:56] It’s never too late to reestablish the working contract with your kids. It provides a framework to know you are doing the best you can with what you’ve got.

For more details on family contracts:

Check out JJ’s book on cutting - Holy Shit , My Kid is Cutting! available for free on her website

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Joanna Denton | Dr. JJ Kelly