Episode 84: Cyberbullying part 2: Is your kid at risk of being a cyberbully??

The Be THAT Mom Movement Podcast: Protecting kids in a digital world

Could your kid be at risk of being an online bully? You'd be surprised how the anonymity of the digital world can lend itself to this! Listen in for a few tips!

https://cyberbullying.org/

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Full Transcription:

Speaker 1 (00:00):

So last week, we talked about the types of cyber bullying. Today. We are going to dive into what to look for, to know whether or not your kiddo might be the bully and what to do. I'm going to just give you some tips on things to help you navigate that. Stay tuned.

Speaker 2 (00:22):

Welcome to your source for tips, tools, and support to help you be that mom that is tuned in and proactive for yourself, your family, and for the wild ride of raising kids in this digital age, inspired by a mother's love with a relatable real life. Proud to be that mom flair. This is the bead that mom movement with your host, Dolly Denson.

Speaker 1 (00:47):

Holy moly. Check this out. If you are a mom that is looking to give your kiddo a phone, but you don't want to open up the world of the smartphone to them yet, check out the pinwheel phone. The pinwheel phone is the latest and greatest for dumb smartphones. It gives you absolute control over what they do and who they can contact, and we'll help them to develop healthy habits around using a phone, check out [e-mail] use code be that mom 10 for a discount. So again, like I've said in other episodes, you know, I'm a mom that is like so passionate about paying forward. Some of the things that I've learned, and I have been there where I know how overwhelming it is, I know how you don't really know what to focus on. And it's all just kind of overwhelming. So if you were anything like me, you're just like, I just kind of hope they figure this out because I don't know what to do.

Speaker 1 (01:40):

And I don't have time to figure this out. Right? So if you were in that space, every single one of my episodes is here to help you navigate these little things that I think all of us need to know. I'm just trying to give you some nuggets, not from the standpoint of an expert, other than I am a mom that raised three kids and did it all the hard way. And I'm here to help you not do that. Now, if you are looking for more of a roadmap, I am coming out with that, be that mom movement method course, and it is going to be your roadmap and your tool kit, to be able to look at all of the different things and really help you navigate it. I have a resource list that has a ton of things for both you and things you can show to your kid, as well as things you can print out in order to fill out as sort of like an agreement between each other and all of that.

Speaker 1 (02:35):

So if you are that mom, that wants to be proactive, please check out my method course that is coming out soon. I am working diligently on it and trying to get it out. Life keeps getting in the way, but I promise you, it is almost to completion. And then I will be putting out the information on how you can get your hands on it. When you get it, you will have lifetime access and I will be updating it periodically so that it stays relevant with new things that roll out, because we all know that this digital world is ever evolving and we always have to be on our toes. So I just want to make sure that I am giving you something that stays relevant and that will have all the different things that you need to be able to come at this, no matter how the world evolves, it will give you a roadmap and a method to follow so that you don't have to do everything the hard way like I did.

Speaker 1 (03:29):

Okay. So keep your eye out for that. It's coming soon now for today's topic, we're just going to talk about cyber bullying, the context of you finding out that maybe your kiddo is the bully or things to look forward to know. Now, like I said, in the last episode, if you are using a service like bark, if you're outside of the U S or even in the U S and using a similar one, there are some other ones that are out there. One of them that I have mentioned a couple of times, it's called M spy. And it doesn't exactly do the same thing as bark, but there are other options other than bark, just none of them are as robust as bark in terms of how they monitor. But whichever one you may be using, that is one way for you to detect conversations and be able to be on the top of this without having to look too much into other things.

Speaker 1 (04:20):

I mean, we always want to look into the other things, right, but that's just one way that you will be alerted quickly if there's any sort of bullying going on that bark can detect. So one of the first things to realize and accept when you may be suspecting that your kiddo is somehow involved with this is to realize that it doesn't mean that your kid is a bad kid. This is key to understand and think in the context of their brain and their judgment and their reasoning not being completely mature. And we know that that doesn't happen until the ages that we consider to be adults, right? So it's important to watch your language when it comes to this. You know, I mean, of course you can do whatever you want, but labeling them as a bad kid or thinking you're a bad parent for this happening is just not something that I would recommend you burden yourself with, because it is just a natural tendency of being a child without the ability to reason through this and not really realizing the ramifications of it.

Speaker 1 (05:29):

So in this is kind of one of those things of like parenting psychology that you may have heard, but it's basically just avoiding, labeling them. Like as a bully, you could say, instead of like labeling them to where they feel shame as them, like something's wrong with them, it's better to address their behavior like saying that they have bullied are there, that, that they are engaging in bullying behavior this way. At the younger ages, it doesn't become intertwined with their child identity and the same thing for the person being bullied, saying the bullied child instead of the victim, which I think that's, it's pretty common for us to see that. But just in general, you know, when you're talking to your kids and stuff, instead of labeling them as bad, it's better to see that their behavior is bad. So there's many different reasons why a kid that you would consider to be well adjusted may be engaging in this act of bullying and treating others antagonistically.

Speaker 1 (06:31):

And like I said, they're often not emotionally or intellectually developed like adults are. So their actions to us seem frustrating, irrational. And sometimes we're just like, what, like, how could you do that? You know, how would you do that? But some common reasons is they want to fit in. They want to be like their friends, maybe they're being bullied by the someone themselves. Maybe they're looking for attention, or maybe they're being naturally more assertive or not realizing that what they're doing is going to come in on the other end as being aggressive behavior or harmful or harassment type behavior. So I think the moral of that story is that they don't have the maturity to realize oftentimes the ramifications of what they're doing in the tendency of the anonymous nature. I shouldn't say that word instead. The anonymous nature of the digital things lends itself to this type of harassing behavior, because they don't often have a way for the other person to know who they are.

Speaker 1 (07:39):

So it can just kind of lean into that. So there's the obvious times that you may know that your child is participating in some type of bullying behavior. If bark detects it, if somehow someone observes it, if you're notified by the school for some reason, but if you're not a hundred percent certain, whether they are in some sort of bullying behavior, I'm going to go over some warning signs that bark has listed, that they have identified as something to pay attention to. So one is that they often act aggressively toward family teachers or other adults. They may demonstrate controlling behavior. They may be hot tempered and get frustrated easily. They frequently test boundaries and break rules such as where you want their device used or when they can easily talk their way out of difficult, intense situations, and seem to have little sympathy towards others.

Speaker 1 (08:34):

Now, these are all things that they identify as, you know, a bullying behavior. But I truly think that the other thing on the flip side of that to think about is just their behaviors with their device or their console. Are they secretive about it? This, you know, and this could be a situation where it could be, they are bullying also be the bully, or maybe they are a part of some type of grooming relationship with someone else. So it can be nonspecific, but the bottom line is the red flags that it should raise. So, you know, thinking in terms of their behavior with their device, as in terms of following any boundaries or rules you've set in place for when they turn it into you, if you have their passwords, if they're only allowed to use it in a certain part of the house or a certain part of the day, if they're pushing against those boundaries, if you have those, then that is just a red flag that you need to investigate more and that it possibly could be something like bullying, but it also could be that they are the ones being bullied.

Speaker 1 (09:42):

It also could be that they are somehow being groomed or preyed upon by someone. So there's a lot going on there, but the bottom line is there's a red flag there that something's going on. And maybe it's not even those things, maybe it's just that they have this draw to the device and it's time to reign in on those boundaries that you set. So if you should discover that your child is somehow involved in bullying others, the most important thing to do is to sit down and communicate to them, talk to them, listen to their side of the story and see how they react to stress that you love them, but that their bullying behavior has to change. Talk about how it impacts that other person and how it makes them feel. And the statistics, you know, not necessarily like using numbers, but just say, you know, kids that are being bullied tend to have their self-esteem affected and tend to have more anxiety or nervousness around things.

Speaker 1 (10:39):

They tend to be more depressed. And they've even found that kids that are being bullied have a higher rate of suicide. And, you know, all of those things are important to just help them understand coming from a place of you realizing they probably don't realize those things and just address that with them. So, in addition to that, when you hit found out that they are participating in this bullying behavior, besides communicating those types of things, I personally would try to uncover the reasons why they are doing that. And it could simply be that they don't understand the ramifications, but what I found with my interactions with my kids, it was sometimes there's something else going on there. You know, how, when we were kids and things were happening with a friend or something like that, there's a lot of times, there's an underlying issue there that you need to uncover.

Speaker 1 (11:34):

Like if they are bullying someone else, perhaps they're being bullied or perhaps there's something going on at their school or with a teacher, like there's a lot of things. There's a lot of psychological things that can manifest as them bullying someone else. And I think it goes for the same as if we had no digital things and it was just us out in recess, or, you know, some peer interaction type social situation. It still comes back to the same psychological things that kids bully for various reasons. I'm not a psychologist or anything, but, you know, it's like their way of controlling something because perhaps they are being manipulator controlled in another space. So looking for the warning signs, having open communication, and then also trying to dig deeper and not just assuming that it is them being mean because they're anonymous, but also don't discount the fact that the, maybe there's something else going on, maybe, you know, a relationship, a friend that, that they have is doing something.

Speaker 1 (12:43):

There's all kinds of things that could be happening there. But the bottom line is digging deeper and realizing that it's a red flag with my kids, as I've said before, there were times where I had red flags going up, but I didn't know if it was their natural maturity process that goes on, you know, with puberty and with the hormone changes and all of the things that they're going through. But looking back on the other side of that, it truly was my intuition telling me something was going on and that I needed to investigate it more. And it's such a, kind of like an eggshell type tiptoe through the eggshells type situation, because, you know, you don't want to invade their privacy and you don't want to them to think that you don't trust them and that you, you know, they may get mad at you every time you breathe.

Speaker 1 (13:31):

And so many different things that make this, this whole scenario difficult. And it was all difficult before the digital things. And then the digital things came in and made it like a hundred thousand times worse. Right? There's so many things that go on there, but I just encourage you to realize that when you have that gut feeling, when you have a nagging that you just can't get past, know that that's your intuition telling you something. And it may take you a little while to uncover it. If you don't want to blatantly ask them and confront them, and maybe you even do do that. And they deny it all, which happened to me too. All of those situations just know that if you have that nagging feeling, that is something to listen to. And even if you don't get a response or don't uncover it, just continue to kind of explore that.

Speaker 1 (14:20):

And it may reveal itself. You're not wrong for doing that. And however you want to approach that is okay. Like I always say your approach is what works best for you. Don't think that there's a one way or the highway type situation with this stuff. You just have to kind of proceed with however you feel appropriate, but keeping those lines of communication when it comes to the digital things is so very important. And then when you have certain things in place to where it can detect some changes in behavior and things that will be red flags, such as pushing against your set rules or boundaries around different things. When you have some of those things in place, it will help you to realize something's going on before it gets too bad, hopefully. Okay. So I hope that that makes sense. And that is helpful for you as part of the focus on the whole bullying thing this month.

Speaker 1 (15:14):

I just wanted to kind of highlight that it is quite common for kids that we would not expect to be bullies, to actually be bullying another child. And so just realizing that and taking that shame and guilt away from yourself is such an important thing to do in this process. Okay. So I hope you found this helpful, and I hope you have checked out my digital wellness summit link in my show notes. I hope you will grab my method course when it comes out, because it's going to be a roadmap and a toolkit for you. And if you don't have bark, if you don't have some of the other tools, I mentioned like, if you need a dumb smartphone, gab and PennWell are awesome. If you want to start out with something like a watch, I've got links for the different watches. Gab has a watch now, too.

Speaker 1 (16:04):

You can use my link for them. So there's so many things out there to help you as a part of your village. So please grab those things. And if you need a place to stand for your own wellness, please connect with me. I have tools that will help you to navigate your own fitness and nutrition from a flexible standpoint of what works for you, but really can help you to implement healthy habits in your life. I can't tell you how much having that for myself has helped me so much through the years and through all the struggles. And I never expected it to be such a place of strength for me and a place for me to really dig in and take care of myself so that I can take care of my family better. They see that when you exercise, it helps secrete hormones and different things in your body that will help your mental state and all of that.

Speaker 1 (16:54):

And I, so I can attest to that, that when I had my hardest days, that was one thing I can control. And now in the midst of so many crazy things going on in my life right now, that is still a solid place for me to stand, to keep myself healthy among all of the COVID stuff, working out in the world as a nurse practitioner, and then with my family and helping us to all stay healthy and all of that. So check out my links or get in touch with me. If you need a place to stand for your own fitness and nutrition, the tools are things that the wellness library that I use can be used for the entire family. It has all sorts of different workouts from live workouts, group workouts, cycling workouts now, and then programs that you can follow that are proven to work.

Speaker 1 (17:44):

And I've used a ton of them. And I still cannot believe in five years, I'm still getting results. I'm still in, on dropping weight and toning and just really being the healthiest I have ever been. And if you don't know me and don't follow me anywhere, I am 47. Yes. I'm 47 and I'm in the best shape of my life. So whatever age you are, and however you're old, your kids are, that is something that is so powerful that you can do for yourself. So please don't discount that. Okay. I know my podcast is about digital safety and being that mom and proactive and all of that stuff, but your health and your daily healthy habits are so very powerful and will have a trickle down effect to your kids. Even if they're denying that, that they're watching, they're watching trust me. And it may take years and years because they are already preteens or teens and thinking that, you know nothing, but they're watching and it has a trickle down effect to them.

Speaker 1 (18:41):

They will eventually adopt the habits that you're demonstrating. And there's nothing more powerful than walking the walk and showing them even when they will not admit that they're watching, they are watching. So please implement that for yourself in your life. It's so very powerful. Okay. All right. I will get off my soap box and I hope you found this helpful. And please reach out to me if there's anything that you want to share with me. If you have a topic you'd like me to cover, please leave me review. If you haven't already. And I hope you have a fabulous week.

Speaker 2 (19:20):

Thanks for tuning in being that mom isn't easy, but together we can be that mom's strong. Don't forget to leave a review, connect on social and join. Dolly's free community till next time

Speaker 1 (19:34):

Either before you go, I want to just give you a heads up on something. When things have been hardest in my role as a mom, the thing that was so very helpful for me was having a routine to take care of myself each day. I know that this whole thing around raising kids in a digital world is so very overwhelming. But if you have a place where you are taking care of yourself every single day with a simple routine that works despite where you are or what your schedule is, you will be able to be more present for your family and handle all of the ups and downs of this most amazing role that we could ever play in this world. So connect with me and let's get you connected to fitness and nutrition tools made by experts that will help you simplify this and then connect you with my fit club community that will support you, guide you and give you momentum and motivation to show up everyday, take care of yourself first so that you could be better present for our digital native.