Secretology Part 1

Authentic Men's Group podcast

Introduction

When I think of the topic of secrets it is an essential focus of Authentic Men’s Groups.

One of the axioms of AMG is that ‘we have no secret that we have not told someone’.

Another truth we live by is to be ‘authentic to everyone and vulnerable (completely open) to a select few’.

It has been stated that “the secret sauce of Authentic Men’s Groups is that we have no secrets”.

We discuss secrets in AMG in two key ways:

1. In each group we create and value confidentiality which helps to foster vulnerability where secrets can be shared. Whatever is said in an AMG group stays in the group.
2. We bring our secretive and hidden things out into the open in group.

We believe that openly dealing with secrecy is a large contributor to men living in the freedom of authenticity.

Context of AMG

Secrets Guys in group have disclosed in our context of AMG over the years:

- Secrets about being sexually abused, secrets about pornography and affairs

- Secrets about addictions to alcohol and drugs, secrets about cheating on financial records, secret fantasies.

- Secrets about wanting to end life, deep depression and anxiety, and having children that no one knows about.

Dale Larson in a meta analysis done through Santa Clara University that secretive people are more depressive, anxious, sensitive to judgment and vulnerable to illness. A litany of studies now link physical ailments such as headaches, nausea, back pain, hypertension, flu and even cancer to the keeping of secrets.

Secrets appear to give us a shroud of protection but instead end up giving us a cloud of dejection.

The Range of Lies

- White Lies – “O, yeah I read that book” (when I haven’t)

- Grave Lies – Lies we will take to the grave (such as shameful abuse and deep hurts)

In the gray area between those two extremes of lying is where we live most of our daily lives, with the

little, supposedly harmless untruths. All lies create the conflicted cast of characters within us, that each express their truth differently with different people.

The 3 P’s of Authenticity

Be authentic in:

1. Public life – outer circles of the circle of relationships (Secrets here are necessary)
2. Personal life – the inner relational circle of relationships (Secrets can be good, i.e., Surprises)
3. Private life – the #1 circle of the circle of relationships. (evolving health, spirituality and contemplations)

Authenticity is active if we are the same person in all three. Again the core axiom of AMG fits well here: Be authentic with everyone, vulnerable with a few.

Conclusion:

Do you have any secrets that only you know? Look to address these in a healthy way by sharing with a significant other, best-friend or a counselor or coach.