Episode 154: A Special Series: False Sense of...Amicability

Disrupting Divorce: Conversations for Women

False Sense Series

False Sense of... Amicability

It is far wiser to judge people by their deeds than their speech – judge their track record rather than their talk. -Rasheed Ogunlaru

Do you find yourself believing what your spouse says rather than believing their actions?

This is what I call creating a false sense of amicability.

What is a false sense of amicability and how does it play out for some people in the divorce process?

It is where one person believes it is possible to avoid all conflict throughout the divorce process even though the previous track record proves otherwise. There is more emphasis on words than actions.

You want to believe that you can avoid conflict. You want your divorce to be amicable. I mean, who doesn’t, right? However, avoiding conflict may not be the answer. Avoidance is often fueled by fear of feeling uncomfortable, fear of being bullied or fear of being perceived as selfish or unreasonable. Let’s be honest, being passive is exhausting. You work tirelessly to please others, and it may be impacting your emotional well-being, your health, and your financial future.

Furthermore, this false sense of amicability keeps you from being honest with yourself about what you need and want financially. If you don’t speak up about the finances maybe it will be different this time. If you cooperate and give more, maybe you can avoid being gaslit.

As a result, you agree prematurely to financial decisions without having all the information. You accept financial proposals in good faith without knowing all the options. You don’t want to not be perceived by your divorce attorney as being difficult or uncooperative. In fact, your divorce attorney encourages you to be cooperative so you will be looked on favorably by the court. However, you find yourself perplexed because your spouse is not following any of the court orders and has no accountability. He is not being cooperative and yet nobody seems to care.

Ladies, what is the cost to our own financial well-being if we don’t challenge this paradigm?

The reality is that the impact for women can be a hefty one! Numerous studies have revealed that a woman’s lifestyle is negatively impacted after divorce and over half (52%) of respondents experienced this well-documented downward shift in their standard of living. Additionally, women face unique financial headwinds because they have longer life expectancies, lower incomes, and fewer years in the workforce than men. In fact, women may never truly recover from the financial impact of the divorce.

With that in mind, what can women to do to challenge the amicability smoke screen and be better positioned for financial wellness?

Here are five immediate things you can do.

• Be willing to reconnect with YOUR financial values. What is important to you?

• Be cautiously optimistic about the words of your spouse – focus on their actions.

• Remember it is okay for there to be some disagreements or challenges. You don’t have to just accept things to “keep the peace”.

• Do your homework. Ask questions to gain understanding.

• Don’t be afraid to negotiate – it can be fun!

Apply the ANOT Method.

• A – Acknowledge

• N – Naturally

• O – Obviously

• T – The Ask

Ladies, let’s do this! It is time for us to step into the next level of financial empowerment.

These are just the beginning of things you can do. While I am all about practical, immediately applicable action steps, there are advanced divorce financial strategies available too.

With all of this in mind, this is why I created the BRIDGE method to help women who are considering divorce to go from crisis to closure WITHOUT the guilt or overwhelm. This was designed out of a desire to give women the step-by-step method and tools to not only challenge these paradigms but to also be prepared, poised, and empowered as they go through the divorce process. This six-month group experience will give you the tools, the strategy and the support you need to ensure that your lifestyle does NOT go down 41% after the divorce. Ladies, let’s work together to change this! Are you in? YES!

Be sure to check out last week's blog post and podcast, A False Sense of Financial Security.

Your host is Rhonda Noordyk, CFEI, CDFA®, CEO of The Women’s Financial Wellness Center

Rhonda has dedicated her career to being an advocate for women and educating them on how financial strategies can impact their personal and professional success. Her work has shown women going through a divorce how to have a voice, be assertive, get results, be driven, and move forward with confidence.

For Rhonda and her company, the Women’s Financial Wellness Center, helping women isn’t just about running the numbers. It’s about asking the right questions, demystifying myths and biases around finances, and helping women walk in their power. Rhonda is passionate about helping her clients navigate a broken system and level the playing field so they can achieve success—pre, during, and post-divorce.

Check out our new BRIDGE Group Coaching Program!

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