097 - Can Steal Art, Can't Tend Bar

It's Christmastown

BRANDI BROWN joins us for GARAGE SALE MYSTERY: THE ART OF MURDER (2017) and:

A message about our namechange.

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Let's cancel! ... First, dead family, THEN pandemic ... April 13, 2019 ... Kill your computer ... Grandma troll wants the cusses ... Comic books and Hubert Humphrey

Break: "Hubert Humphrey," by The Knuckle Sandwiches

PART TWO

The Extra Hot Great podcast universe ... Lori Loughlin ... Hallmark samizdat ... Missing Loughlin ... Superutility Sarah Strange ... Weak mystery ... The Expositional Challenge ... Cast rundown ... Plot Mop-Up ... Giant warehouse, no job ... Sorority PTA ... College is high school; high school is college ... Cropsy ... Chunks of real effort ... Un-inventoried weird art in The Kingdom of Spiders

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Spot the Angel/Criminal: Red paint Jackoff Pollock ... Work lazy, crime hard ... Do you have a fence? ... Just sell out! ... Angelic mom-volunteering ... Kappa Kappa Kappa ... Mom-Daughter casting ... Jackee, Jasmine Guy, Tatyana Ali ... Eat Your Heart Out: Vibrational food; Keith Raniere's cult vegetables; Kramer-like cop; pizza-order clowning; randomized plausible foods; raw eggplant; Dispensary Mysteries

Break: "Jammin'," by Bob Marley and The Simpsons

PART FOUR

Extremely shitty audio engineering ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: A Jen/Dani podcast; food truck universe; junk shop, Good Witch's shop, Anthropologie, a chocolatier ... Canadian accents in Louisiana, Missouri ... Overdetermined: Red paint; zesty hack; overdrawn "evil" stepdaughter ... Crossover: Sarah Strange for anything; NXIVM for food; Safe-like environmental sensitivity; Jen vs. Jessica Fletcher; Hallmark mystery Grand Slam ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Dani, the Dad ... Cartoon bear ... You never leave ... Actually, everyone's a replicant ... Hummuside

Break: "David Duke Is Running for President," by Skankin Pickle

PART FIVE

Who's the Real Villain: Helicopter parenting, underfunding the arts, toxic masculinity, lack of safety net ... Rating: 2.5 ... The Leftovers: What happened to the garage sale? ... Buying stolen goods ... Twin Peaks/Law & Order ominous tones ... Tina, gut-shot champ ... Director K.T. Donaldson ... Synchronized bedtime ... Congrats on the sex ... Buying classic cars for fun ... Meghan Markle's coming back ... Mortimer B. Croup ... Rich people inventory art ... Carrying Linwood's ass ... Mark Brandon Appreciation Station again ... Pete Wells ... Plugs ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

Bill Corbett's Funhouse

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