Good and thankful?

Passive No More: 10 Days To Purposeful Living

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“Good” is a word I don’t use very often.

It takes a lot for me to say that “I’m doing good.” I prefer vague words like “I’m alright today”; “I had an OK day”; “Fine… I’m fine…”

These responses are difficult to interpret, especially for my husband, Josh. But these are words that give me room: room to get better or worse. I feel like I’m lying if I say “I’m doing good” when the day has had its ups and downs, and I’ve struggled with my thoughts or my actions or my attitude.

To me, saying I’ve had a good day would mean somehow that the day went smoothly and strangely perfect. I don’t recall having too many of those kinds of days.

After talking to Josh about this struggle, I was challenged. Of course, I was challenged by the “Passive No More” guy!!! This is the man who has “good” days consistently. They've been good because he has determined ahead of time that they will be. He sees things as good because, well, they are good. If you take an assessment of our life, you would agree, we have a good life. Actually, we have a great life.

I chose to complete 10 days of being “good and thankful.” I’m sure you’ve heard of many who’ve jumped on this bandwagon in recent years: “The year of gratitude!”; “Having a thankful heart”; “Pay attention to all that you should be grateful for.” I’ve read the books and the blogs, and I’ve felt the conviction that I too must learn to be more grateful.

I started my 10 days with a solid scripture to pull in my focus: “Give thanks to the Lord for He is good. His love endures forever.” (Psalm 118:1)

Now that puts it into perspective, doesn’t it? I made a commitment that anytime I was asked, “How are you doing?” I would say, “Good!” And then in my heart, I would just tell God I’m thankful that I am good today. I actually managed to pull this off. I chose to be good; I said it, and I kept marching. Then the 9th day came, and I could stand it no longer. I broke down.

I felt angry. I felt fake… How can I be good when inside I just don’t believe that I am good?!?

Why am I stuck on this little word “good”?

I decided to look up the definition the word “good” that morning. I’m not sure why I hadn’t done this before. It said - “Good: To be desired or approved of. Having the qualities for a particular role. That which is morally right; righteousness. Benefit or advantage to someone or something.”

These were all challenging definitions to me, but I couldn’t get past the first sentence: “To be desired or approved of.”

Approved of? The words stung and made me a little agitated. I’ve spent a lot of life wanting to be approved of and often feeling I’ve been a disappointment. Why do those feelings still linger inside me? It wasn’t until I was driving the kids to school later that morning that it occurred to me. I want to blame people for how I feel. I want to blame God for me not feeling accepted.

Now, I’m sure there are people who don’t care for me, but they certainly are not the people I choose to live around. I have a caring circle of friends and family who love me and accept me as-is. In fact, they give me the distinct impression they like who I am!

Then, there is my husband who has shown no disappointments five years into this thing. He actually acts happy to see me most days. So what is this feeling, this disapproval, and who is it from?

Is God really that disappointed in me? The only times I’ve sensed any disappointment from God have been when I didn’t come to Him first with all this soul struggle. His disappointment was just in the fact that He could have relieved me of these burdens a lot sooner if I had let Him.

So in the car, driving onto the interstate, I realized: it’s me. I’m the one who doesn’t approve of me. I’m the one with an issue about being “good.”

I’ve wanted to be perfect without growth. I’ve wanted to be steady and stable without being challenged. I’ve not achieved the things I’ve wanted. So how can I be good and approved of?

“Give thanks to the Lord for He is good. His love endures forever.” (Psalm 118:1)

Who have I been thanking, and who is good? Maybe the burden has been in the pressure of thinking I’m supposed to be good all on my own. God is good and He makes me glad. The source of my good days never changes ‘cause I’m relying on a God who is good. I’m taking the pressure off me to be good for Him, and instead, I’m being glad at how good He is to me..

In Ephesians 6, the Bible speaks of putting on the armor of God. A dear friend reminded me of one translation that speaks of the “breastplate of righteousness” as being “the breastplate of God’s approval.” His approval is actually something you and I can wear. We just put it on and walk around living life with approval written across our hearts.

So if you want to know how I’m doing, I am approved of, and I am good and really, really thankful.

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