552 My wife chose her lover over me

Polyamory Weekly

Cesar's wife told him she missed him and then left to be with her lover. Is the solution to tell her not to say she misses him?

0:00 Introduction and host chat

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1:00 Announcements

• We’ll be teaching Painless Poly Dating 101 and Poly Pitfalls: Fixing Things When They Break at Southwest Love Fest April 6-8
• We’re also debuting a new class, The Art of the Breakup, at RelateCon April 25-27 in Boise, Idaho
• Professor Marsten and the Wonder Women is now available for streaming on Hulu
• And in related news, Minx gave herself permission to stop reading The Secret History of Wonder Woman and opt instead to start a new book more focused on a feminist hero, Americanah

7:45 Poly in the News

A poly quad was on the Today show on March 1 and holy crap it was great

10:00 My wife chose her lover over me

Cesar called in to ask for advice. His wife opened up their relationship and has a “fuckbuddy.” Cesar has four jobs; she has one. Time together is at a minimum. When she picked him up one night, she told him she missed him and then left to spend the night with her other partner. Cesar got mad, asked her not to tell him she missed him if she was going to leave. He feels she should have spent the evening with him having makeup sex instead of with her other partner.

• Was her date a surprise? If so, talk about minimizing surprises by discussing scheduling and changes to the schedule in advance.
• Did you decide together to open up the relationship, or did your wife make the decision to open up? If the latter, you will have a lot of additional feelings to unpack.
• Let her be the expert on her. Believe your partner when she expresses her feelings and vulnerability. Accusing her of lying is responding to her vulnerability with aggression.
• Never tell a partner to stop telling you how they feel! Try responding to her “I miss you” with “I miss you, too. When can we make time for each other?” Or try using the “when you ____, I feel ___” structure to share your feelings about what she just said.
• Don’t borrow trouble. Stop imaging the worst.
• Ask for what you want. Have you asked for more time with her?
• She didn’t skip makeup sex with you because you hadn’t made up! You’ve made up when you both have a shared understanding of the conflict, you’ve both apologized for your contributions to it, and you have both agreed on specific actions to prevent it in the future.

27:30 How to make this podcast better

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