572 When your partner's jealousy precludes your polyamory

Polyamory Weekly

What do you do when your partner gets so jealous that you feel compelled to give up your boyfriend, while your hubby happily dates away?

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:25 Poly in the news

Study could explain why people choose to have multiple relationships

3:25 Topic: what do I do when my partner agrees to be poly but gets jealous when I date?

Debby writes in to ask what to do when polyamory doesn’t work for a couple. She and her husband are in their 50s, four years into their second marriage, and did the research before opening up 18 months into their relationship. He was into no-strings-attached sex but got very jealous when Debby would date. She finally had to dump her boyfriend (in a poly marriage of 15 years) due to her husband’s inability to cope with his jealousy. She asks what to do when polyamory doesn’t work for a couple.

• We both think it DID work—he liked the sex, and you loved your boyfriend. The question is, does monogamy work for you?
• Debby might be confusing behaviors with relationship labels. You’re still having to deal with all the risks and tasks of polyamory—jealousy, scheduling, emotional issues—but you somehow don’t get to date and experience the benefits.
• What steps did he take to address his jealousy? It was a mistake to stop giving him the opportunity to practicing his jealousy coping mechanisms.
• There must be a middle ground between “I must live half a life” and “we get a divorce.”
• Someone else’s emotions require for them to change behaviors, not yours. It’s not for Debby to take responsibility for her husband’s jealousy. His emotions are his and require action from him, not from her. Don’t let your partner’s emotional reactions control your actions.
• So now it seems that Debby feels forced to give up a perfectly healthy relationship due to her husband’s inability to deal with his jealousy. If they do revert to monogamy, how will she take steps to avoid resentment?

18:15 Feedback

Katie gives feedback on scheduling from episode 565—no one with kids has that kind of availability!

21:00 Happy Poly Moment

Heather wrote in to share when one of her partner's besties said to her about Heather (who is happily married) today, "can't you two just be together forever? She is so perfect for you!" Good validation!

23:00 How to make this podcast better

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