Late Night Confessions: A Trilogy (Part 2) - LA, Europe, Sweet Relief, Uncle's Suicide, Son's Birth, Grandfather's Death, God, The Devil, Ani Difranco, Eddie Vedder, Paris, London, Gerard Butler, Richard Branson, Hospitalizations, and 5 Point Restraints

The Led Styler Podcast

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The purpose of this podcast is for Led to do something he’s never actually done, open up and be fully honest about what he’s experiencing (and has experienced) in order to better understand it himself. Through doing so, he hopes to raise awareness for schizomanic disorder (typically called schizoaffective disorder) so that perhaps others (especially creative types) suffering from the disorder don’t feel so alone.
Visit https://ledstyler.com/podcast/episode-5 for detailed notes, links, and info.

• Inside Job - Full documentary on the Financial Crisis 2008
• Manic Depression
• Stigma, Discrimination, and Mental illness
• Bill Bennet
• Sweet Relief Musicians Fund
• Leonard Cohen
• Audiotory Hallucinations
• Schizoaffective disorder causes and symptoms
• Delusions, Paranoia, Government
• Ani Difranco
• Eddie Vedder
• Fixed delusions
• Gerard Butler
• Richard Branson
• Pearl Jam
• Immortality
• 5 Point Restraints
• Let You Down was released July 23rd
• The Naked Guy being released July 31st
• Off of My Mountain being released August 1st
• By The Sea being released August 1st
• Just A Man being released August 3rd
• Just A Song being released August 5th
• Need help?

Take care of yourself and do what you need to do for you. The world may not understand you at times, and you might feel really alone, but you're not. There's some of us out here with you.
Where are my freaks?

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Chapters

1. Late Night Confessions: A Trilogy (Part 2) - LA, Europe, Sweet Relief, Uncle's Suicide, Son's Birth, Grandfather's Death, God, The Devil, Ani Difranco, Eddie Vedder, Paris, London, Gerard Butler, Richard Branson, Hospitalizations, and 5 Point Restraints (00:00:00)

2. Jumping off point. No funds now thanks to Wall Street, Didn't want to work in mental health again. So did something else musical. (00:00:56)

3. LA, working with socially viewed successful people but I got tired of the entire game. Decided to leave it all behind. (00:01:28)

4. Moved to Europe, checked out some countries, and wanted out of society as much as possible. Second spoken word album. Discussion of first one. Dealing with my disorder and the way I grew up. Manic depression but felt like there was more going on. (00:02:14)

5. Told I was Manic Depressive but never felt comfortable saying there was more going on in my head when not in psychosis. Still struggle with discussing and accepting that. Stigma and being easily dismissed by a lot of society and people. (00:03:39)

6. Europe, smoking weed, long walks, working with others musically but not as much. Accomplished something amazing there. (00:04:18)

7. My son was born. I was coding a project. Buy songs, pay any price and half goes to charity. Bill Bennett. Sweet Relief. Really nice guy. A year of work, 10K cost. Project was done. Put it up and freaked out because it was time for consistency. (00:05:08)

8. My uncle/godfather committed suicide. I should've found people to run it and help but I couldn't ask for help or let people in. I let it fail instead and smoked more weed with hash and drank lots of Jägermeister instead. Had a terrifying psychotic break. (00:06:50)

9. Long walks, Eddie Vedder, Pearl Jam, Leonard Cohen, Zagreb, Croatia. LA guy saying Cohen was "crazy." Met a guy that worked with Cohen. Interesting people. Cool people but seedy underbelly, not who I am. (00:08:04)

10. Horrible breakdown. Death. Grandfather died. Hit me hard. Start recording my story and my mind clicked. I went full psychotic instantly. More extreme than anything even before. World was ending. The "elite" in space. Complicated and elaborate psychosis. (00:10:29)

11. I went back and convinced my second wife to cancel work. She was mad, rightfully so. I ended up in the hospital several times. Everything was alive and complex. God and the devil, music, my site, music, spoken word, and poetry. (00:12:48)

12. I would get terrified. I'd try to sleep and wake up in terror that I had to take my site down. I'd turn off wifi believing the government and others were watching and tracking me. More real than any Hollywood film I've ever seen. Wild. (00:14:29)

13. Freaking out. Wanting to create. Didn't care about financial aspect but wanted to take what was creatively in my head and be able to get it out. It got weird and I felt like people were trying to help me. (00:15:20)

14. This is super embarrassing to even talk about. I feel robbed that I couldn't be consistent. I can work with others. The focus is on them and I can give my all, which makes me good at what I do. I'm proud of that but it's not enough. Need to create. (00:16:24)

15. A period where I didn't do anything artistically. Too painful. Hard to turn it off. Like a flood. To have to dam it up is painful and frustrating. (00:17:35)

16. Disorganized thinking, Ani Difranco, stage presence, strength, accomplishments, music, lyrics, incredible guitarist, not given enough credit. Believes and feels 100% in it. That was the connection for me. (00:18:31)

17. Again, highly embarrassing. Highly psychotic. Looking through lyrics from various artists and thinking they were about me. Felt like Eddie Vedder and others were playing songs for me. Crazy. It got bad. (00:21:16)

18. On Twitter (now X), had my indie record label account, social media is terrible for psychosis, drinking and smoking. Saw post from UK and thought I was receiving messages. Post poems and think others were reacting. Not true but so very real to me. (00:22:47)

19. I saw a post and thought I was supposed to go to this cafe in Paris, where a bunch of people were supposed to meet me. I drive to this small cafe that's 4 hours from Paris. I get there and it's closed for the weekend. (00:24:00)

20. I drive back to the Paris airport. Sitting there. Gerard Butler, Richard Branson, I'm supposed to go to London! Getting worse and going down the rabbit hole. Fly to London. Pearl Jam Immortality. Checking into a hotel in London. (00:25:27)

21. Writing on an iPad in hotel. Checking social media, posting from my label account. Having a mental breakdown in front of people on Facebook (people I actually knew). So shameful. Horrible feeling. Twitter (x) account gets suspended. (00:27:45)

22. It was about God and the devil in my head playing chess. They were both speaking to me and it got much worse. People were after my kid. Terrifying experience. I headed to the airport, missed a flight, lost my iPad on the train. Waited for the next flight. (00:29:16)

23. Back to the country I was residing in and my wife had people there from the hospital but I was good at knowing the system and convinced them to let me go. Back and forth to the hospital. Talked them into letting me out for the weekend too. (00:31:19)

24. My wife didn't want me at the house. Mixed feelings. Stayed at a friend's house where I recorded. He was a great friend to me while I was there. Couldn't focus at all. Completely distracted. (00:32:05)

25. Basement room, smoking weed, and looking at some old writing, which was intense and angry. Pure rage. A lot of beauty in the world but a lot of ugly stuff that truly bothers me. Poverty, rape, murder, etc. saddens me. Extreme moods and layers. (00:33:45)

26. I started to believe that everything I wrote, I did, and the government was after me. They were going to torture me and lock me up. I spent time in hospitals and a long term facility when younger. That was the last thing I wanted. 5 point restraints. (00:37:00)

27. Part three coming soon. (00:39:10)