Sorry this one is a week late, but Bad Boys: Ride or Die came out last week so I had to catch that... and I also kinda just didn't feel like sitting down to edit it, ya know? We're 48 deep here and lemme tell ya, it ain't getting any easier. What is there to even say about General Commander (2019)... not sure but we somehow managed to talk about it…

We found it. We finally found it... the Platonic form of Seagal movies. If you ever wanted to see the Seagal-iest Seagal movie ever made (which you don't), look no further. This thing has got everything! Life advice delivered via fist fight, Seagal doing Eastern medicine, ambiguous magic which is both central to the plot and possibly nonexistent, a…

What can I say about China Salesman? It's all in the title. You might ask yourself then, what do Steven Seagal and Mike Tyson, the front-runners on the poster, have to do with the China Salesman? Well the answer is easy. Nothing. Here's an Imgur album for screenshots we reference. Edited by Hans. Follow us on Letterboxd! Aaron, Hans, and Zach Discl…

This episode may look slightly long but a full ten or eleven minutes of that runtime consist of a discussion surrounding Mad Max: Fury Road (2015). That discussion mostly just being Zach and Aaron shouting different Fury Road quotes at each other next to a vaguely bemused Hans. This Cartels movie has it all: gunfights, interrogations, betrayals, co…

Yeah, yeah, Seagal made a movie in which he plays a fascist and the movie somehow does not comment on fascism in any way. It's exactly as fun and interesting as Bladerunner would have been if it weren't directed by Ridley Scott and if the budget were $12. Most pressing, however, is discovering which of us is the podcast's Brad Pitt. Edited by Aaron…

He's on a contract alright, but not to kill. Will that stop him from killing anyway? Definitely not. Does that ruin the whole plan? Absolutely. Is the whole experience as dull and boring as it is frustrating and infuriating? You betcha. Here's an Imgur album for screenshots we reference. Edited by Hans. Follow us on Letterboxd! Aaron, Hans, and Zac…

I'm gonna be 100% pure uncut completely honest with you; even after watching this movie and talking about it and listening to all of that again while editing the episode, at the time I'm writing these show notes I don't think I could tell you much of anything about this movie. It's that forgettable. At least we had friend of the show Josh Rosa on a…

In this week's episode we spend a little bit of time discussing, as Aaron puts it, "Bonnie and Clyde but BORING" and the rest of the time is either spent discussing other terrible movies or talking about Batman. Essentially a good overview of the quintessential American male interaction in the 21st century; for any future anthropologists who are li…

It happened. It finally happened. We knew it would happen sooner or later, and if I'm honest, it took longer than I thought it would. But this one broke me. I never knew just how far downhill we could go. Edited by Hans. Follow us on Letterboxd! Aaron, Hans, and Zach Disclaimer: We do not endorse Steven Seagal nor any of the heinous acts of which h…

This week we discuss Seagal's take on the Punisher... dang... I could be watching The Punisher instead of this... Remarkably there's an almost Jackie Chan-inspired shootout where the main character has to defend himself while stuck sitting in a chair the entire time and it somehow isn't Seagal doing this. They gotta be jerking our chains at this po…

INT. WRITER'S ROOM - DAY A group of men are gathered around a table, discussing a pitch for a new action movie. They speak in hushed tones, as if fearing to be overheard. One of them lights a cigarette indoors. BYRON MANN [Star] So, I'm actually the star this time, right? KEONI WAXMAN [Director] (Nervously) Yeah, alongside Vinnie Jones as the villa…

We're back, and we're 'bout to snatch every mother****** birthday. If you can figure that one out, please let us know because we sure can't. Edited by Hans. Follow us on Letterboxd! Aaron, Hans, and Zach Disclaimer: We do not endorse Steven Seagal nor any of the heinous acts of which he is accused. We do not wish to boost his career, finances, or e…

Ving Rhames, Danny Trejo, and Bren Foster headline a movie that for some reason claims to star Steven Seagal. Seagal plays a mob boss who sells out his best man to his rival for some reason, despite the fact that he knows his rival set up the guy and the rival is trying to muscle in on Seagal's turf... but Seagal is also trying to retire from the m…

This week in the ring we have crowd favorite(?) Steven Frederick Seagal! But wait, who's this??? It's... ~glass shatters~ Stone Cold Steve Austin!? He's coming off the top turnbuckle to deliver (what should have been) quite the show here tonight, folks (but wasn't). You're not gonna wanna miss this one, wrestling fans! Content warning: Brief discus…

Zach and Aaron get a chance to put their respective master's degrees to work while Hans gives his gut feel. Who is right and who is wrong? The answer probably won't shock you, but listen anyway! If this one sounds like it was an editing mess, that's because it was. Edited by Hans. Follow us on Letterboxd! Aaron, Hans, and Zach Disclaimer: We do not…

What if another actor basically tried to do the same shtick as Seagal, but better in every way? And also that actor was Danny Trejo; star of Desperado (1995), Con Air (1997), and author of cookbook Trejos Tacos (2020). Well you'd get a pretty fun movie with plenty of gory action, cheesy one-liners, and a genuine celebration of Mexican-American cult…

Sergey, a car thief and son of a Russian mob kingpin is caught in the crossfire! After rescuing a young woman kidnapped by a rival mob, he must see her to safety, rescue her uncle from human traffickers, and uncover the dastardly plot which has them at its center. Can he survive the gangs, the crooked cops, and his demanding father while also getti…

Have you ever wanted to watch two inexplicably and entirely different 20 minute movies separated by about 50 minutes of meaningless filler where neither the start or end have anything to do with each other, all wrapped up in the same rage-inducing mess of a film experience? Yeah, neither did we. Edited by Hans. Follow us on Letterboxd! Aaron, Hans,…

Happy All Hallows' Eve, dear listener. We have a delightfully spooOOoooOOOooOOOoooky episode for you today. This week we talk about a low budget "crime" ""thriller"" where Steven Seagal is lowers shades Driven to Kill. I guess. He kinda seems ready to kill anyone who even looks at him a little funny right from the start. If this movie starts and th…

In this week's episode (a few days late, sorry), Steven Seagal... does nothing of note really; he's barely in this one. Instead, a ragtag band of idiots attempt to escape what appears to be the world's largest hospital during a vampire (zombie?) apocalypse. The generator is failing and if they're not out before sunrise, they'll be obliterated along…

Unbeknownst to you, our dear listeners, it has been nearly two months since we last watched a Seagal movie that wasn't our punishment from the game show episode. I think it's fair to say it hit us all just as hard as we thought it would. Kill Switch was a thoroughly dull roller coaster ride with all the thrills, peaks, and valleys of a broken down …

Steven Seagal is a drunk, unemployed, gambling-addicted, creepy deadbeat. Sorry, Steven Seagal plays a drunk, unemployed, gambling-addicted, creepy deadbeat in this one. Does the title mean anything? No. Does the poster mean anything? No. Does anything that any character says to any other character even mean anything? Nope. The only thing watching …

Our latest just barely feature-length romp, Urban/Renegade Justice (2007) pairs Director Don E. FauntLeRoy for the third and final time with direct-to-video era Steven Seagal where they really dig into into the complex racial tensions of LA-based gang warfare deeper than we've seen thus far on this show. We decide to unpack this by... not really un…

We had the absolute pleasure this week to be joined by Zach's wonderful wife, Sara! I'm not entirely sure why she agreed to do this, and she had a pretty terrible time with the movie, but we had a great time talking about it with her. As for the movie itself... well, it sucked. But hey, what else is new at this point? Edited by Hans. Follow us on L…

Dear listener, I think we have indulged you enough, so please, just this time, allow us to indulge ourselves. In maybe the worst episode format imaginable, we have an entirely self-indulgent ramble session that probably requires you to watch at least 2 Seagal and 1 Linklater films and listen to at least a handful of our previous episodes to even un…

Well back to our regular format where we discuss the barely-a-movie Blade Trinity 2: Underworld: Harvester: Attack Force: Attorneys at Law. You know that feeling when you're in a social situation and halfway through starting a sentence you realize it's something you aren't supposed to say so you kind of try to pivot halfway through to something els…

Come one, come all! This week we were graced by the presence of our very good friend, Guiseppi Gasagna who prepared a mid-season quiz show for us! We find out that our brains have officially been poisoned by Seagal, as we remember a lot more about these awful movies than we thought we did... and we're only halfway through! Sorry this one is so late…

I edited out nearly 30 minutes from this episode and it's still almost an hour and a half. There are no shadows in this movie. Come join us as we discuss what is quite possibly a knockoff Mission Impossible 3, but worse in every conceivable way. Also, please message us and let us know how in the world Seagal continues to bring in real talent for th…

Join us as we dive into Mercenary For Justice, a film where Steven Seagal is a mercenary who does the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of anything anyone would consider to be justice. Edited by Hans. Follow us on Letterboxd! Aaron, Hans, and Zach Disclaimer: We do not endorse Steven Seagal nor any of the heinous acts of which he is accused. We do not wish to boos…

In the pulse-pounding, adrenaline-rushing sequel to The Foreigner (2003) Steven Seagal returns as Jonathan Cold to do... nothing that really relates to the first movie at all. In this review of the most nothing movie of all time we valiantly struggle to come up with... well... kinda anything to say about it. It basically does the same ending as The…

In our shortest episode in a long time, we talk about a movie which has a casino robbery, a prison break, a car chase through the streets of Las Vegas, magical visions, and possibly a vampire, but somehow still manages to be unbelievably unoriginal. Join us to find out how Seagal pulled off the impossible: sucking the fun out of what should be a gr…

Discord messages regarding this episode during editing: Hans: I was not having a good time with this one Hans: I sound completely exasperated Zach: Which episode is this? Hans: Submerged Zach: Oh none of us were having a good time with that one Hans: lol no, we open on you saying Connecticut is a trash-tier state Zach: Fight me, Nutmeggers Zach: I'…

Finally Seagal gets to live out every single one of his weeb fantasies to the fullest. In a script just barely legally distinct from The Yakuza (1974), we follow CIA Agent Travis Hunter: a man who knows Japan better than any Japanese person, despite seemingly not recognizing mall food court sushi. I dunno, this movie is just so... yeah... it's some…

Content Warning: Seagal made a movie about human trafficking and children. He handles it with absolutely no sensitivity. We try our best, but we get it if that's not your thing. They found a way to make the "rescue the daughter" genre of action-thriller way way worse; now we have a "rescue the 14-year-old Polish girl the hero has a very suspicious …

Zach forbade me from making any jokes about the belly of the beast and Steven Seagal's increasingly beastly belly, so the only real thing I can tell you about this movie is that it at least made me laugh a few times at how bad it was. On the plus side, we did get to hang out with our very good friend Isabel for her thoughts about [gut pun redacted]…

After raising our hopes surprisingly high with the relatively dumb fun schlockfest of The Foreigner, the second time around Michael Oblowitz unfortunately disappoints with the very dumb not fun snoozefest of Out for a Kill. This was the second Seagal/Oblowitz collab in one calendar year; so I suppose every man has his limits. I guess greasy lightni…

In what is definitely one of his most entertaining films, Steven Seagal is The Foreigner. Sadly for him, however, he remains one of the least interesting aspects of the movie. We here at Steven See It All are pretty sure there was a mix-up at the movie studio. The deranged Frenchman was supposed to be the main character (Dunoir, Boudoir, Filmnoire?…

The week after the absolute pile of steaming garbage that was Ticker , pretty much anything seemed like a great next movie. Unfortunately about halfway through this episode we all realized that Half Past Dead is also a bad movie in a very uninteresting and unfunny way, it just seemed better in comparison. Edited by Hans. Follow us on Letterboxd! Aa…

You know when something is so very very bad, but then you learn about how it was pretty much doomed from the start and never even had a chance to be good? Can you even be mad at it in that situation? Yes. Yes you can. Edited by Zach. Follow us on Letterboxd! Aaron, Hans, and Zach Disclaimer: We do not endorse Steven Seagal nor any of the heinous ac…

Wow, Zach was right. This is one big Beeferoni of a movie. Steven Seagal co-stars alongside hip-hop legend DMX (for some reason) in this... detective... drama? About... gun violence? Police corruption? The War on Drugs? It's really unclear what this movie is supposed to be. Anyway, Seagal finds new and interesting ways to be lame while being outsho…

Say you see Seagal's face front and center on the poster of his new direct to video movie right underneath the title, "The Patriot". You're naturally led to believe that Seagal himself is "The Patriot." You are, of course, wrong. This film is 95 minutes long and just about every one of those minutes is jam-packed full of reasons why it never saw th…

This time around Seagal features in an accurate and empathetic portrayal of the rural Appalachian experi-pfffffffft just kidding he calls a bunch of random people dumb hicks and pretends to know how to use a hammer. Not sure why this one is even called Fire Down Below, there's no fire down below anything; it turns out to actually be glowing green n…

This has got to be one of the worst, most forgettable buddy-cop movies ever made. I watched it a week ago and don't think I could describe the plot with a gun to my head. I think Seagal is trying to catch a serial killer who only kills Catholics for some reason? Also, he might just be a diversion from the REAL conspiracy which involves Russians and…

Here we go again, Casey Ryback is back at it with precisely one other character that was carried over from the first movie, so our predictions from last time were very nearly correct. We're almost positive that the only reason this movie exists is because Seagal heard the term "Dark Territory" and decided that he had to make a movie with that in th…

Steven Frederic Seagal has come into his own as a true auteur with On Deadly Ground, possibly the most important film within his entire artistic oeuvre for critically understanding his particular vision of this world we all inhabit. Is this vision cohesive or accessible? Does he execute on it with any skill or grace? You'll just have to listen to f…

Join our intrepid hosts as they attend the party of the year (for 1992 at least) alongside Tommy Lee Jones, Gary Busey, and Miss July '89! Wait, who else is gonna be there? Steven? You mean like Seagal? Oh actually I think I'm busy that day, yeah can't make it, sorry. This one's actually pretty decent and a good demonstration of how much a supporti…

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Well here we are, third time's the charm, right? I guess that doesn't work with someone as charmless as our man Seagal. This time around we find our hero John Hatcher marked for death, greasier than ever, and assembling a posse to fight the counter-posse led by drug lord Screwface(s). Is it too late to pull the plug on this whole thing? I'm gonna b…

I'm going to generously call this one an action-comedy, as that is the best way to "enjoy" it. Steven Seagal is Mason Storm in this one, and to be honest I don't remember anything about this fever dream of a film. The only reason I can even remember the name of the main character is because 1.) Every other character shouts his name at least once, a…

We kick off the series with Above the Law, a barely feature length, late 80's, convoluted bunch of nonsense that we had quite a lot of trouble following. We follow Nico Toscani through the streets of Chicago where he bumbles from one explosion to another through gun fights where no bullets connect with their targets. We try to find our rhythm for t…