Shadow Work (Part 2)

Authentic Men's Group podcast

Shadow Work (Part 2)

• Today, we're diving into a topic that’s as crucial as it is uncomfortable: authenticity.

• Let me set the stage for this podcast. Picture this: a man finds his marriage on the brink of falling apart. He's convinced he's doing everything he "should" do to keep it together, yet he feels like he's constantly falling short. Growing up, he learned that showing certain emotions or traits of himself like being “too excited” or “too hyper” could jeopardize his relationships and get him in trouble with his parents – "boys don't cry," "toughen up," “Good kids are seen and not heard” you know the drill. Fast forward to adulthood, and he's still suppressing these parts of himself. He believes that if he shows vulnerable emotions or is “too much,” his partner will see him as weak. This habit of hiding – which began as a childhood survival tactic to secure connection with parents, friends, and others – is now wreaking havoc on his relationships.

• This brings us to the idea of the Shadow.

  • The Shadow is all those parts of ourselves we’ve shoved into the dark because we were told they’re unacceptable.

  • This act is what we call repression – unconsciously hiding these aspects to fit in and feel loved. And no shame. This helped us survive as kids and attempt to earn the connection that we need. As kids, we didn’t have a concept of the Shadow or the idea that hiding parts of ourselves would cause future issues.

  • But as adults, we take it a step further with suppression – consciously choosing to hide these parts, leading to continued inauthenticity and keeping us from realizing our full potential.

• Today, we'll break down the difference between repression and suppression and why recognizing and integrating these shadow parts is essential for living authentically. We’ll also integrate your Enneagram personality type to help you identify what you may be suppressing and share practical steps for self-integration.

What is “Shadow Work”?

• Shadow Work involves digging into the parts of ourselves we've hidden away because they seem too ugly, weird, or unacceptable.

• As kids, we desperately need to feel safe and connected with those around us. If any part of us seems like it might threaten that connection, we quickly learn to hide it.

• How the Shadow forms: childhood experiences, societal expectations, and personal trauma.

• Swiss Psychologist Carl Jung called these hidden parts the "shadow."

• Gabor Maté insightfully said that as kids, we will choose attachment over authenticity every time.

• This survival tactic might help us through childhood, but it wreaks havoc on our adult lives, leading to inauthenticity.

• Shadow Work is about embracing your whole self – the good, the bad, and the ugly – and integrating these parts into your life.

• Eragon Book Series concept of “True Names”

Defining Repression

• Repression is like stuffing everything you didn't want anyone to see into an old closet. As kids, we need secure attachment with our caregivers, so we hide anything that might threaten that bond.
• Imagine being a kid and hearing, "Boys don't cry," every time you felt like letting tears flow. You bury those feelings to maintain connection and acceptance.
• This protective habit doesn't disappear when you grow up. It sticks around, leading to a life that's not fully you.

Defining Suppression

• If repression is unconsciously hiding parts of yourself, suppression is when you do it knowingly. It's a conscious choice to keep certain aspects hidden to fit the image you want to present.
• Think about the boy who grew up hearing, "Men don't cry." As an adult, he might suppress his emotions around his partner, thinking, "I can't let them see me cry; they'll think I'm weak."
• Suppression creates a barrier between you and genuine connection, denying yourself the freedom to be who you truly are.
• I see this all the time in counseling, whether I am working with someone in their early 20’s or in their 70’s. They have held onto the things they’ve learned the “should do” in order to fit in and earn the connection and attachment they deserve and need. Even if it is at the cost of their Authenticity.
• This is a common story among those in the LGBTQ+ community who are growing up. Many will choose to remain in the closet and hide their sexuality, gender identity, and more to remain connected and attached to their attachment figures.

The Impact of Repression and Suppression

• Repression and suppression keep us from living authentically, creating a gap between who we are and who we present to the world. This gap leads to feelings of dissatisfaction, anxiety, and even depression.

• Without doing your personal shadow work you will never realize your full potential.

• In relationships, this inauthenticity acts like a silent killer. Not allowing yourself to be vulnerable creates distance, misunderstanding, and dissatisfaction.
• Ask yourself: What have you been hiding? What parts of yourself did you shove into the shadows to feel accepted? How can you start bringing those parts into the light?

• The journey to authenticity starts with acknowledging these repressed and suppressed parts of yourself. It’s about exploring your shadow, sorting through the mess, and integrating those hidden aspects into your life.

• Imagine a man who has always suppressed his emotional side. As he begins to integrate this hidden aspect, he allows himself to feel and express emotions more openly, connecting more deeply with others.

• Consider another man who has always hidden his creative side. By acknowledging and embracing this part of himself, he finds joy and fulfillment, inspiring others around him.

• The cost of all this hiding and masking is inauthenticity. You end up living a life that isn’t fully yours, constantly editing yourself to meet others' expectations. This creates a gap between who you are and who you present to the world, leading to dissatisfaction, anxiety, and emptiness.

• The path to authenticity is challenging but essential for true connection, fulfillment, and self-acceptance.

Identifying Your Shadow

• Self-Reflection Techniques

  • What parts of myself do I feel I need to hide to be accepted by others? Have you worked with others who were hiding parts of themselves?

  • When do I feel the need to put on a different persona? Have you worked with others who did this?

  • What emotions do I avoid expressing, and why? Have you worked with others who did this?

• Journaling prompts and questions to uncover hidden aspects of the self.

• Meditation and mindfulness practices for deeper self-awareness.

• Common Signs and Triggers

• Where you react, there lies a shadowed part. Get curious and non-judgmental about that reaction. There is a mountain of wisdom there that your system is trying to communicate if we would only listen.

• Building A Relationship with Our Parts

• When you start to uncover a part in your shadow, your next step is to build a relationship with that part. Be curious and non-judgmental with that part. Ask it how it is trying to protect you by suppressing this aspect of yourself. Ask it what it would need to let you integrate this part of you.

Conclusion

• Today, we've delved into our shadows, exploring how aspects we learned to hide as kids can shape our adult lives, leading to inauthenticity.

• Repression and suppression are real, impactful forces that can mess with our relationships, mental health, and overall sense of self. Understanding these concepts is a step closer to reclaiming your authentic self.

• Remember, authenticity isn't about being perfect; it's about being real. It's about acknowledging those shadowed parts of ourselves and integrating them into our daily lives.

• What’s next? Reflect on the exercises we discussed. Ask yourself those tough questions. Join a group like the Authentic Men's Group (AMG) or work with a therapist or coach.

• I’ve created a journal to help you start your shadow work process. Visit www.horncounseling.org/tms to get a free copy of the Shadow Work Journal.

• Authenticity isn't a destination; it's a continuous process. It's about showing up, day after day, as your true self – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Start small, stay committed, and watch your life transform.

• Thanks for tuning in. If you have thoughts, questions, or stories to share, reach out at AMG.buzz. We’d love to hear from you. Until next time, keep striving to be the real you.