JAN 22: Sex, sex and more sex!!! [EP:11]

HOMOlicious Living

www.homoliciousliving.com

Hello Pod listeners! Welcome to Episode #11.

In this episode we will talk all about sex. We will discuss casual sex, friends with benefits, new relationships, & long-term relationships. Deepening your bond before having sex, sex toys, cheating & question and answer with a sex expert.

Delicious Dish:

Today's Delicious Dish is to tell you the five things that happen when you drink coffee every day!

1. You will increase your metabolism - the caffeine from the coffee will naturally boost your every levels, revving up your metabolism so you can kick start your day!
2. Drinking coffee will make your brain healthier - lower your risk of Parkinson’s disease & Alzheimer’s disease. Decreases Adenosine which decreases the firing of neurons & increases dopamine, serotonin, & norepinephrine. Additionally, studies show coffee increases cognitive performance, mood, reaction time, memory, & alertness.
3. It will make you happier - contains antioxidants, B Vitamins, potassium, & manganese. Studies show people that drink coffee have 50% lower risk of suicide.
4. Drinking coffee will reduce your risk of developing skin cancer - studies show coffee drinkers had a 20% lower risk of developing malignant melanoma due to the high amount of antioxidants & phytochemicals present.
5. You’ll have a lower risk of developing type 2 Diabetes - studies show those that increased they consumption of coffee had 11% lower risk of developing Type 2 diabetes. Those that decreased their coffee had a 17% increased risk.

Of course everything in moderation. 2-4 cups per day.

“We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.” - Jerry Seinfeld

Let’s get started with our sex talk.

Casual sex or friends with benefits:

Unfortunately, some people date emotionally unavailable partners. If you’re just out for sex and having fun, that’s okay, but if you’re looking to transition into a relationship then this can be a problem. One type of “problem” relationship is “friends with benefits.”

What is it?

• It’s defined as a sexual partner who wants gratification without strings attached.
• These two people aren’t dating, going to dinner or meeting each other’s friends or family.
• They don’t provide emotional support to one another
• Their relationship is only about sex without the expectation of monogamy.

Why it’s bad in the long run:

• Although they can be sexually satisfying, they can often create tremendous emotional trauma.
• There is an enormous divide between intellect and emotion.
• Many women, especially, think they can be “cool” in this situation but often times develop deep feelings for their “friend.”
• Sex releases oxytocin, also known as the “love drug” and it’s how we are designed to bond with each other so that we can mate. It creates an emotional bond to your sexual partner.

Disadvantages of “friends with benefits:

• You want your “friend with benefits” eventually to be your partner and be monogamous over time. That almost NEVER happens
• If you put all of your time and energy into hoping for something that won’t happen, that won’t build up your self-esteem.
• Good sex depends on many factors like chemistry, compatibility, communication and mutual desire to give and receive pleasure. That’s more emotional connection than most “friends with benefits” relationships have.
• Your friend isn’t very nice to you. They have no emotional connection with you, so they probably won’t worry about your feelings, be kind or respectful. It’s just about the sex remember?
• You might engage in behavior that is outside of your comfort zone, or are afraid to express boundaries you have.
• You might feel belittled or ignored before, during or after sex.
• Your contact will only be about sex, and it might not be on a regular basis. You might not hear from your friend for days, weeks or months, in between your sexual encounters. This will also create issues with your self-worth.

• Your mentally shifts from going after a great relationship and just thinking “something is better than nothing.” You might tell yourself things like “it’s better than being alone.” This is dangerous because it’s going to teach you to settle for something that’s not the best for you.

Sex with a new partner:

New relationships are exciting and at some point, there will be a sexual relationship. Here’s how to start your sex off on the right foot.

Establish your boundaries around sex:

Are you okay with sex on the first date?

Do you want to wait if so how long?

What does sex mean to you? casual? Long-term?

How to talk about sex with your partner:

• Pick the right time. Talk about sex before you actually have it, so that you can get on the same page.
• Pick the right words. Talking about sex can be intimidating, so try to keep it light, but serious. You can open up the conversation by saying, “I’m really enjoying spending time with you and making out with you. If we decide to have sex, there’s a few things I want to talk about first.”
• Say what you want to say. Make sure you discuss safe sex, and each other’s needs and expectations. Communication is the key to any successful relationship and that also applies to sex.
• Ask about their thoughts and concerns. Find out about your partners like and dislikes.
• Listen. Enough said.
• Repeat back what your heard. This will ensure that everyone is being understood correctly.
• Make a plan. Do you want to get STD testing, or discuss safe sex issues.

Remember to revisit this conversation throughout your relationship when you need to.

Sex in your long term relationship:

Role play and fantasies:

• Get really comfortable with talking about sex and trying new things.
• Role playing with your partner at home
• Go to a bar separately and meet as “strangers.” Dress differently, wear a wig, take on a new personality and name. It’s like having an affair with someone new, but you’re with your committed partner.
• Explore sexual fantasies, but don’t just talk about it, be open to each other’s fantasies and making them a reality. You might learn something new that you like to do or have done to you.
• With the release of “50 Shades of Grey” more people have been exposed to the world of BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism). People in more “open minded” sexual relationships indicated that their individual mental health and relationship satisfaction was much higher that couples that only had “vanilla” sex.
• When you bring sensitivity and intelligence to your sexual relationship, you increase the trust and pleasure in having safe and wild erotic sex.

Talk dirty to me:

Remember that the biggest sex organ isn’t between your legs, it’s between your ears. You can get just as turned on by what someone says as how they touch you.

• Tell your partner what you want to do to them. Be specific, don’t just say, “I can’t wait to be with you.” Instead, explain what you’re going to do like “I’m going to lick that spot on your neck that drives you insane.”
• Tell them what they’re doing to you. “You’re driving me crazy, I just want you inside me.”
• Make noise. When you like something, let your partner know by making noise. It will let them know you appreciate it and guide them to continue. Breathe loudly, tell them you like what they’re doing and ask them to keep going. Add more fingers, keep licking that spot, whatever you want.
• Say the words out loud. Use the dirty words to describe what you want. This can be hard for women, so practice by writing a naughty note or email first, then practice and work your way up to saying them out loud. It’s a huge turn on, so it’s worth the effort.
• Tell your partner what you’re doing. Let them know how much what you’re doing to them is turning you on.
• Find your voice. Will it be lower and softer, or more stern and demanding. Play around with what feels comfortable to you. Change it up, don’t always have the same voice or tone, just do whatever feels authentic to you in the moment.
• Make your partner feel sexy. Tell them how amazing they look, how they make you feel and how much you’re turned on. The more confident you make them, the better they are going to perform sexually, it’s scientifically proven.
• Ask your partner what they want. Don’t asked open questions though, be specific. “Do you want me to touch you here baby?” “Would you like my (blank) in your (blank)?” This will get your partner involved in “dirty talk” too.
• Don’t be a porn star. Use words that you’re comfortable with, don’t be fake because it will show.
• Respect one another. Check in with each other before sex to find out if there are words that are off limits, during sex isn’t the time to figure that out.
• Agree to experiment and explore. During sex, try some dirty talk and then after sex you can discuss what you liked and didn’t like.
• Role play when you talk dirty. Be the “dirty plumber” coming to fix your “wet, dripping” faucet.

Deepen your bond, even before sex:

Studies have shown that a post-sex cuddle session can work wonders to bond you to your partner even more, but there are things you can do just before sex that can bring you even closer.

7 things that sex therapists have approved as pre-sex habits:

1. Practice “soul-gazing.” Before you start to fool around, face each other, both place your right hand over your partner’s heart, stare into each other’s eyes and breathe in sync for 10 deep breaths. It might sound cheesy, but it works by ground you both and making sure you’re fully present. It makes for a much more powerful, positive sexual experience and allows you to nurture your relationship.
2. Think happy thoughts. If you’re not into “soul-gazing” then close your eyes and breathe deeply and think about a time when everything between you and your partner was “right,” unconditional love, total peace, openness, and joy. Your main sex organ is between your ears, so if you get your mind in the right state, you will carry these positive feelings towards your partner during sex.
3. Meditate individually. Just take 30 seconds to “quiet your mind, take yourself out of your day, and get into the present moment.” Focus on what your body feels and be completely there with your partner. This will improve your depth of connection during sex and afterwards.
4. Check out photos of yourself. If you’re home, look at pictures of you both before to appreciate your relationship’s best moments. Those positive feelings will transfer to your sex.
5. Share sexy fantasies and desires. Communicate with your partner about the things you’re thinking and are willing to try. This opening up will increase your intimacy, and by including your partner in your fantasy, it will increase both of your senses of self-esteem, with is directly tied to how “sexy” you feel about yourself. When your self-esteem and a healthy view of your own “sexiness” are positive, it will directly affect your performance in the bedroom.
6. Extend foreplay. Don’t be afraid to slow things down and spend time undressing each other, massaging and touching, making out and just explore each other’s bodies. Desires can come very quickly, so draw out the process for 20-30 minutes to build the sexual tension and tease each other. This allows you to mix things up, and not just have the automatic, scripted process of sex. Remember that “foreplay” can start outside of the bedroom. A lingering look, a soft touch on your partner’s “sensual zones” like their low back, neck, butt, can start getting them turned on. People with better sex lives have a better overall satisfaction and connection in their relationships.
7. Cuddle It’s not just for after sex! Cuddle before things get hot and heavy because it releases oxytocin and it increases feelings of intimacy with your partner. Spoon or lay side by side, it will make a more powerful sexual experience and afterwards the benefits will still be there.

5 good reasons for lesbians to have sex toys:

1. Sex Toys Can Make Good Sex Even Better

• Having a satisfying sex life means being willing to try new things. Even good sex can get boring if you get into a rut and do the same thing every time, over and over. Introducing sex toys is one way to "spice things up" and add a sense of newness and adventure to your love life.
• You won't use sex toys every time you have sex. If you do, then you might be falling into a different kind of rut. But try adding a vibrator, dildo or a butt plug to your routine and see where your imagination takes you.

2. Sex Toys Can Make Masturbation more Satisfying

• Some sex toys are made for use with couples and others can be used alone. Many women find that the easiest way to reach orgasm by themselves is with a vibrator.

3. Sex Toys Are Made for Sex

• That's right, sex toys have one purpose and one purpose only: to enhance your sex life. And that's a good thing. The people who design sex toys have done so because they found them to do things that body parts can't do, or can't do as long, or can't do as well, or maybe can't do as often or as efficiently. Take advantage of technology.

4. Sex Toys Allow You to Do Things You Wouldn't Without Them

• For example, you may be able to penetrate her with your fingers. That's great. But if you're using a dildo with a harness, you can penetrate her and use your hands on other parts of her body.

5. Sex Toys Are Great for Phone or Skype Sex

• You wish she were there to touch you. But she's not. She's somewhere far away. Let her describe all the things she wishes she were doing to you, while you do it to yourself.

Cheating:

Statistics estimate that 30-60% of all marriages deal with infidelity.

• It might be because people want escape their regular lives and have a new sexual experience with someone that’s not going to ask them to fix the toilet or run errands.
• The sex with your relationship partner has become unfulfilling.
• When we get married or in a long term relationship, people call that “settling down” which somehow implies we are supposed to be “not as wild” as when we were single…and that’s boring.
• People think sex in a marriage or long-term relationship is supposed to be “vanilla” or politically correct, nothing kinky just traditional sex. Yawn!!
• We are not emotionally satisfied so we have found that elsewhere

Sex and Sexuality, questions and answers with Jenny Block, a sex and sexuality expert and author of “O Wow: Discovering Your Ultimate Orgasm”

Sex questions answered:

Am I really a lesbian?

• Question: A lesbian explained that she and her girlfriend have had sex a few times and she hasn’t had an orgasm, so now she’s questioning if she’s really a lesbian.
• Answer: Jenny explained that our sexuality isn’t defined by our orgasms, it’s defined by our sexual desires (gay, straight, bi). She recommended paying attention to where your mind is when having sex, because if you’re distracted, you will have a hard time orgasming. She says, “get out of your head and into your body. Look at what you and your partner are doing sexually and if it isn’t “turning you on” get some help on the “how to’s” to get you on the right track to O-town.

I’m a new lesbian and having problems getting wet, am I doing this wrong?

• Question: A woman said she was in her first ever lesbian relationship and was completely into her girlfriend, but isn’t getting wet. She’s never had this issue before, has had multiple orgasms with men, so she’s wondering if she’s doing something wrong?
• Answer: There is no “wrong way” you just have to figure out what works for you. Start with lube and be sure not to be “in your head” too much, be present. If something feels good, do it, and it change it if it doesn’t. Remember that you have your whole body to experiment with so take your time and explore. Make out, massage each other, tease each other. There is no rush and having an orgasm doesn’t need to be the only goal of sex. Pleasure should be your only focus!!

Why can’t I make my girlfriend orgasm?

• Question: A lesbian said she and her girlfriend have plenty of sex, but her girlfriend never orgasms, even when she masturbates. When she tries to help her girlfriend orgasm with her hands, her girlfriend pulls her hands away and gets impatient that the climax isn’t happening fast enough. The woman said she’s frustrated and feels embarrassed that she can’t please her girlfriend, and it’s affecting her self-esteem.
• Answer: The girlfriend that doesn’t orgasm seems to be worrying about how much time everything is taking, instead of just what she’s feeling. If she’s able to get close to an orgasm, then she must enjoy what is going on, but if she’s pushing hands away, it might be because she’s too focused on the time. The recommendation is to talk dirty, have her focus on her breathing and her body, so that she’s not in head focused on how long it’s taking; keep her “in the moment.” The point of sex is to enjoy the ride and to be in the moment….when you do that, you will get to your orgasm.

Her overall recommendation for the best sex you’ve ever had is that “an ultimate orgasm comes from questioning, exploring, experimenting, taking every change, making every turn and looking under every rock to figure out what feels best to you.”

Things that make you go Hmmm? Or Mmmm:

This weeks’ Hmmm? is coconut crush! Here is the buzz about this amazing fat & the uses that make us love it so much.

• Baking - substitute for butter 1:1
• In your coffee - gives you a sustained buzz
• Supercharge your smoothie
• Toast - spread on bread for a slightly sweet butter or jam alternative
• soothe a sore throat - spoonful in your tea
• Freezer fudge - add 1 cup nut butter, ¼ cup coconut oil & cocoa powder freeze for 30 mins
• Oil pulling - whiten teeth, banish bad breath, clean mouth. swish 1 tablespoon for 15-20 mins (spit in garbage & rinse mouth when done)
• Moisturizer
• Leave in conditioner
• Body scrub - just add brown sugar or sea salt
• Lip Balm
• Bath - add a few drops of essential oil
• Make up remover
• Soothe diaper rash
• Remedy for lice - rinse with apple cider vinegar then coat with coconut oil for 12-24 hours
• Lubricant

Well that’s it for today's show and we hope you join us next week.

Thank you:

We would like to give a shout out! A huge thank you to;

• Friends with Benefits article by Monica Parikh at mindbodygreen.com
• The #1 Thing to do in the Bedroom article by Gracie X at mindbodygreen.com
• Adrienne & Sara with Pillow Talk videos, Sex on the first date, Tops versus Bottoms, Cheating

• How to Talk Dirty to Your Lover article by Kathy Belge at lesbianlife.about.com
• 7 Things you can do Right Before Sex to Boost your Bond article at Women’s Health Magazine
• Lesbian Sex and Sexuality, Lesbian Orgasm and Sex Questions, articles on lesbianlife.about.com by Jenny Block, a sex and sexuality expert. Author of “O Wow: Discovering your Ultimate Orgasm.”
• Thrive Nutrition Magazine

Quote of the week:

We will leave you with a quote:

“Sex is part of nature. I go along with nature.” ~Marilyn Monroe

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Have a HOMOlicious day!