MAR 4: What is Your Next Relationship Step? [EP:16]

HOMOlicious Living

www.homoliciousliving.com

Hello Pod listeners! Welcome to Episode #16.

In this episode we will discuss what the next steps are in your committed and loving relationship. We will explore some traditional and not so traditional stages of a relationship.

Delicious Dish:

Today's Delicious Dish is about Energetic Stress Styles: What they are and how they can affect your love life.

Understanding your partner's Energetic style is key to long-term happiness. Your primary style automatically kicks in when you are upset.

4 Styles are Visual, Kinesthetic, Digital, or Tonal

If you or your partner have different styles, then when you are in energy stress mode your partner probably doesn't understand at all and vice versa. You've temporarily lost all connection. You were born with this style so it's better to try to understand it than fight it. It's all about getting to know your style and your partners. Ask yourself these questions to determine your style:

Which of these sounds like you?

• Visuals- are extremely passionate and inspire others to care about the things they care about. But in moments of conflict, their emotional interpretation of the facts can overshadow what is actually occurring, undermining their ability to empathize with their partner. They can stare you down and insist that it’s their way or no way.
• Kinesthetic - are generous, compassionate, and accepting of other people. But their caring nature pulls them in too many directions. They try to meet others’ needs at the expense of their own, which can cause mounting disharmony and resentment. During a disagreement, they can seem to shrivel within themselves and might lose all ability to speak or articulate their needs.
• Digitals- are rational and principled and have a gift for quickly understanding complex situations. But they can become closed to others’ perspectives and feelings. Try as you might, you cannot make them understand how you feel because they are not feeling; they are reasoning.
• Tonals - have a gift for understanding others and their dilemmas. But during moments of conflict, their ability to read between the lines can shift into hearing what was never said, felt, or thought. They can easily go off on a tangent of futility and heartbreak that you never intended.

These are not just psychological differences.

While these may seem like psychological differences, they run much deeper. They are reflected in the ways your body processes the energies of emotion. When you’re upset, this energy accumulates in your eyes if you are visual, in your heart if you are kinesthetic, around your head if you are digital, or around your ears and solar plexus if you are tonal. Your style is inborn and, try as you might to make your partner be more like you, it’s not gonna happen. Nor should it. The same differences in energies that can lead to conflict can also keep a vibrant positive charge in your relationship. It depends on what you do with these differences.

Here are five ways to use the knowledge of your energetic stress styles to work out conflict before it gets out of hand.

1. Next time things get heated, think about the fact that the person across the table might not be processing the situation the same way you are. That understanding alone can make a huge difference in how quickly the two of you settle down and connect again.
2. Take the time to learn about each other’s stress style on a calm day, long before you ever need to know. Learn the benefits and strengths as well as the drawbacks of each style.
3. Talk over what you’ve discovered and make plans together for what you’ll do if and when you come to the place where your dearest love suddenly seems a totally unbalanced stranger. Create in advance a stress-relieving strategy that suits each of you individually.
4. When the conversation gets out of control, step back immediately and implement the strategy you planned for calming yourself. Stop all conversation, and try to catch and calm the stress you feel individually before you say and do things you’ll regret. You can’t reach each other while you're in this state anyway.
5. When you do reconnect, be sure to take time as a couple to celebrate your success at conquering your differences and improving your life together!

"Here's to finding warmth and wisdom in every moment on the journey, and learning to love yourself more along the way."

"It's the journey that brings us happiness not the destination so keep on stepping!"

Committed Long-Term Relationships

First, let’s make sure you’re in a committed long-term relationship before we even discuss what’s next.

Things to look for in a long-term partner:

Character

• Are they willing to grow, both personally and spiritually?
• How do they handle conflict?
• Are they kind, compassionate, honest, reliable and have integrity?
• Are they happy with their life?
• Are they close to their family and friends?
• Are they self-motivated and have a passion?

Values

• What are the things important to you and does your partner share those views; religion/spirituality, beliefs, rights, politics, environment?
• What type of relationship do you want? Monogamous, open?

Physical Appearance

• What are the physical qualities important to you, because we all first are attracted to a person’s looks.
• Are they happy with their health and fitness and if they aren’t, are they willing to change it for themselves?

Education, Intellect and Employment

• Do you have similar levels of intelligence, so that you can have great conversations and connect on that level?
• Do they have a job or can contribute to the financial portion of the relationship?

Lifestyle

• Do you want kids and do they?
• Where do you want to live and what type of home do you prefer?
• How is their cleanliness and housekeeping compared to yours?
• Do you like to cook or want someone that likes to, or both?
• How do you want to split up the house chores?

Take a quiz to see if you’re ready for the next step. There’s quite a few out there, and here are some of the topics and questions that were asked:

• Do you agree on pets or kids?
• Questions about how you each deal with finances and how it will work together.
• Where you want to live?
• Communication level and how you both react to various situations.
• How much time you spend with each other now?
• How do you argue or resolve disagreements?
• How comfortable are you both with new experiences and situations?
• Are they helpful and supportive of you growing and expanding as a person?
• How has your partner made you a better person?

Moving in together:

You and your partner ready to move to the next level, which might mean living together. It’s a huge step and there are lots of factors to consider.

Pros

• Compatibility testing tool, think of it like a “trial marriage”
• see what it would be like to spend more time with your partner
• See how they are in their own environment.
• See how they handle keeping romance alive, while also juggling a busy daily life, work and family.
• More time together – You don’t have to set up times to see each other, since each day you’ll see each other in the home.
• Financial relief - Helpful if you’re basically spending every night together and paying for two place and only using one. Also split the bills that aren’t based on individuals, like rent or mortgage.

Cons

• Signing a lease or buying a home with someone is a big deal and can be a financial strain if it fails.
• Financial equity, does one person make more than the other? How do split the bills? What is their credit score?
• If you break up, who keeps the residence?
• Money can be a touchy subject and many couples break up over finances
• Lack of “me” time because the other person is always around
• Can create anxiety and pressure for you both, because studies have shown that living together can be more stressful than being married.
• Can take away the excitement of marriage, or one person can decide not to marry, since you’re already living together and what would be the change?
• See how clean or messy, organized or unorganized your partner is.
• Some studies have shown that living together before marriage can actually lead to divorce sooner, and just over 50% of people that live together before marriage actually get married.

A true interdependent relationship (where you have individual time and relationship time set up) is critical to making cohabitation successful. Just like everything, communication is the key to figure how to live together and make it a beneficial and healthy situation for you both.

Engagement and Marriage

First and foremost, you want to make sure that you’re emotionally mature and know yourself well enough to get married. Lots of people that marry young end in divorce, simply because they aren’t ready, they don’t know themselves and what they want. Lots of evidence shows that our brains don’t emotionally finish developing until our mid to late 20’s; so maybe wait until your 30’s to make that commitment

Things to consider to make sure you’re ready:

• By your 30’s, you most likely have sewed your oats. You’ve dated around, know what’s out there and have figured out what you want in a relationship.
• You’ve had enough time to recover from your first major breakup. Many people, especially women, thought they’d never find anyone to compare to their first love, so they settled down before seeing what else was out there.
• Your 20’s should be about self-indulgence. This is where you learn about yourself and develop who you are. That way when you are in your 30’s you know what you can offer to a partner and will be less likely to outgrow each other.
• With age comes maturity and better communication skills. Instead of fighting over the little things or ignoring issues, you know how to address then and speak your mind to work together towards a solution.
• You know what you want. You’re not going to waste your time dating someone when you know it’s not going anywhere, that way you can focus on finding someone that you can have a successful future with.
• You’ve established self-confidence. When you bring your best self to a relationship, to help to enhance it’s success.
• By your 30’s, you’ve probably learned to manage your money. Finances can be a huge conflict source in a relationship, so you can avoid that if you’ve got your cash flow under control.
• You’re more secure in your career in your 30’s. This gives you time and energy to focus on your relationship.
• You’ve had time to live alone. Enjoy it because it’s where you hopefully do your growing and learning to be a healthy individual.
• You’ve found your voice. In your 20’s you face pressure from friends and society to “follow the norm.” In your 30’s, you can set your own norm and realize that this life is yours to live how you choose

Pros

• You have a dedicated lover, your commitment to be with the person you love for the rest of your love
• Support person all the time
• Financial stability, because you can combine assets and both pay bills
• Can add your spouse to your retirement benefits
• You become a part of a family you created, whether you have children or not
• The emotional bond that you’re “officially” committed to each together, “until death do us part.”
• Social and community acceptance
• Have someone to raise the children with, together

Cons

• You have your very last lover, unless you have an open relationship, cheat or are widowed
• Your in-laws, dealing with your spouse’s family can be difficult if you don’t get along
• It’s no longer a “have to” situation for women, you know, people used to think something was wrong with an unmarried woman, because she had no spouse to take care of her or make the money and provide financial stability.
• Weddings and all the things that go with the ceremony itself can be huge expense and add financial stress to the relationship.
• Lose your independence
• Have to learn to live with pet peeves and annoying things your spouse does
• It’s difficult to compromise at times and you might be forced to do so, which will cause undue stress and anxiety with your spouse.

Now let’s look at alternatives to living together and getting married. There is a small, but growing number of long-term couples in all over the world, who are foregoing living together and are remaining in separate home. Here are a few of the options we will explore:

Living Apart Together,” or LAT for short, or Long-Distance

It’s exactly what it sounds like, you’re in separate homes, but in a committed long-term relationship.

Pros

• enhances the novelty or excitement in your relationship, researcher call this “self-expanding activities.”
• planning and dressing up for dates
• exploring different parts of the city or activities
• trying out each other’s hobbies
• have engaging discussions with each other, not just talk about bills and house chores
• Tend to experience more passion in their relationships, because of the limited time they spend together.
• Idealize their partners more, and see them in positive terms
• Spend more time reminiscing or daydreaming about their relationships
• Feel more romantic love for their partners
• The old adage, “absence really can make the heart grow fonder”
• it avoids falling into a routine with each other which leads to boredom and a feeling monotony in the relationship.
• You try harder to “court” your mate as opposed to taking them for granted
• You don’t have the artificial feeling of commitment, meaning that just because you live together, not everything is great. You still need to cultivate and work on your relationship.
• You never feel “stuck” in a relationship that you want to leave because you’re worried about how to divide of the finances or assets.
• You stay in a relationship for the right reasons

Cons

• As humans, we are social creatures and having a consistent companionship of a romantic partner can be incredibly satisfying
• Living together is an expression of your commitment to your partner, and if you’re not in agreement on this decision, one of you may feel worried about how much the other is invested in your relationship

Living apart might work for you if:

• You have discussed exactly what the reason is behind it - and know it's not just a smokescreen for not really wanting to be married;
• You've discussed in detail what running two homes would really mean and whether you can really afford it;
• You feel no reason to suspect your partner of an ulterior motive;
• You're willing to discuss the situation with your partner regularly to make sure (a) you're still both happy with it and (b) whether you should have a re-think;
• You have tried living together, but always find yourself feeling restricted in close relationships.

Living apart might not work for you if:

• You haven't considered other ways of having your own space first. Less drastic moves - taking separate holidays, or a gym membership or even having your own 'den' at home - might fit the bill just as well;
• You find it difficult to trust your partner completely or don't feel 100 per cent comfortable about their motives;
• You haven't had many close relationships. It may just be that you're not ready for any type of commitment.

Not getting married

You can be committed in a long-term relationship, without the wedding ceremony and legal document to say you’re a couple.

Pros

• Your commitment to your partner is nobody's business but your own
• Your money is your own!
• Refusal to conform to some societal norm that says you "must" get married
• For the straight ladies: No need to explain why you did or didn't take his last name
• If you break up, no legal divorce messiness

Cons

• You don’t get each other’s retirement benefits or pensions
• Could be tricky if you have children in common, for rights and finances

Remember that whatever your decision is, there is no right or wrong way you have to do it, just decide what’s best for your relationship.

Update to Bulletproof Coffee experience

Things that make you go Hmmm? Or Mmmm:

This weeks’ Hmmm? What your poop says about you?

More and more studies show that what is happening in your gut can affect what's happening in the body and brain. If you have a healthy gut and digestion here is what you should notice:

• poops at least once a day
• elimination should only take 5-10 mins
• stool should come out easily & flush easily (no clogging up or sticking to the bottom)
• while it should have odor it should not linger for long after toilet is flushed
• gas, burps & stomachs should be minimal

Here are some common examples of what your stool might be telling you about your health & ways to respond.

1. There's undigested food in the stool.

Digestion starts with careful chewing. Do you allow time to eat in an unrushed way — Proper digestion won't happen if eating is rushed. Undigested food may also indicate that you lack sufficient stomach acid to break down food.

What To Do: Try to set aside ample time for peaceful meals that encourage better digestion. And an easy way to safely stimulate acid is with a good quality, gentle bitter tonic, like apple cider vinegar, which stimulates stomach acid production to aid digestion, among other benefits.

2. You are constipated.

This can present as any of the following: infrequent, hard, or painful stools; stool that comes out in balls; or a sense of incomplete emptying after moving the bowels.

Constipation can be caused by many culprits. It can be a manifestation of food reactivity (milk and other dairy products being the most common offender, although gluten is a close second). It could also be from eating too many processed foods and not enough fresh produce (especially vegetables) and unprocessed grains (less bread, cereal, and crackers and more quinoa, unprocessed oatmeal, and sprouted rice). Or, it can be caused by chronic stress, as movement of the digestive tract is shut down by the fight-or-flight response.

What To Do: To treat constipation, try keeping your diet 100 percent dairy-free for a one-month trial and keep careful track of stool habits for that period. Mineral-rich blackstrap molasses (starting at 1 teaspoon daily), and probiotics(beneficial bacteria) can also help.

3. There's often gas, bloating, or loose stool.

We may not want to hear it, but too much sugar in the diet can cause all of these symptoms. Sources of sugar can be obvious like soda or candy, or less so, as with fruit juice, sweetened yogurts, or sometimes lots of fresh fruit.

What To Do: These symptoms also indicate that gut flora is significantly out of balance, which calls for a beneficial bacteria infusion — both with foods naturally rich in beneficial bacteria like fermented cucumbers or sauerkraut, kimchi, kefir, or even just a good probiotic supplement. A bitter tonic, as mentioned above, can help to boost the intestinal immune system, which helps balance the gut microbiome as well.

4. Your stool floats and has a sheen.

This often indicates that fat isn't getting absorbed effectively in the digestive tract. The gallbladder normally adjusts to more fat in the diet by increasing production of bile, which binds fat and helps it to be absorbed. Without enough bile, fat ends up in the stool, making it float and glisten.

What To Do: Organic dandelion root tea used as a beverage or thrown into soup can stimulate bile production and release, and helps the fat to be absorbed. Digestive enzyme.

Well that’s it for today's show and we hope you join us next week.

Thank you:

We would like to give a shout out! A huge thank you to:

• Energetic Stress Styles: What they are and how they can affect your love life, a Mind Body Green article by Donna Eden
• 10 Valid Reasons you should Get Married in your 30’s, not your 20’s, a Your Tango article by Joelle Caputa
• Should you Move in Together?, a Match.com article by Laura Gilbert
• Pros and Cons of Living Together before Marriage, a Dating with Dignity article
• Could you Live Apart, Together?, a Psychology Today article by Samantha Joel
• Can happy couples live apart?, a Daily Mail article by Sharon Bexley
• Don’t Get Married Until you can Answer these 40 Questions, a Mind Body Green article by Margaret Paul
• What are the Pros and Cons of Getting Married?, a Jezebel article by Dodai Stewart
• Sustainable Marriage Quiz, by psychcentral.com
• Marriage Tests and Quizzes, by About.com Relationships
• What your child’s poop says about their health: a doctor explains, a Mind Body Green article by Dr. Maya Shetreat-Klein

Quote of the week:

We will leave you with a quote:

“Just because somebody doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.” Author Unknown

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Have a HOMOlicious day!