Why we often choose resentment

Rock Solid Relationships

Ready to create rock solid relationships with the people that matter most to you, you are in the right place. My name is Sarah Payne, and I'm a master. Certified relationships coach. And each week I teach you how to create the connection and love that you desire, because you know that the quality of your life is directly related to the quality of your relationships. I'm so glad you're here. Hello. Hello. Today we are going to talk about our good old friend resentment. Resentment comes up a lot, and a lot of the episodes on this podcast are about resentment, probably more than any other, because it shows up for a lot of us. And I know that so many of you are just so tired of feeling resentful, but you don't know that there are other options. And so today, that's what we're going to talk about. We're going to talk about how we often intentionally and unintentionally choose resentment because we think the other options are even worse. So what do I mean by that? Let me explain. Let's say that you want to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with your family. It's been several years since you've spent the holiday with your family, and you want to spend it with your family, but your husband doesn't really want to because he doesn't really feel comfortable around your family, and he doesn't like your parents, the bed that you sleep in at your parents house. And he'd just rather either spend it with his family or spend it at your home with just your nuclear family and your kids. But you want to spend it with your family. It's been several years, and you've already told your sisters that you're going to be there to make pies together, and that's what you want. All right? So oftentimes we know what we want, but we don't say it or we don't follow through with it because we think that we'll feel bad and we'd rather feel resentful doing what we think our husband wants or our mother in law wants or our children want or whatever, than to feel guilty doing what we want. Because we are so conditioned as women to not be selfish that we would rather feel resentful than feel guilty or ashamed for being what we would call selfish. Okay? So first off, we just want to acknowledge that we're taught like, I like to think most of us are probably taught it by our own mothers, but also we were taught it in the media. I think a perfect example of a resentful wife is And Everybody Loves Raymond. Deborah. Do you remember Deborah? I used to love that show. I used to love it. And as I look back on it, I'm like, I don't know if that was the best model of a couple for me, my husband. And of course, it's a comedy and it's fiction, and it's all in fun. But truly, if you want to see resentment personified just go watch a few old episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond and see how Deborah acts towards Raymond. And it is like a picture perfect example of resentment, okay? So number one, we're modeled it either in the media or by our own role models, parents, mentors, all of that, okay? And number two, we often choose resentment because we're not used to setting boundaries. And even if we're confused about what a boundary is, and then we're also confused about how to uphold that boundary. And then we're also really well practiced as women especially, but just as human beings in people pleasing. And so people pleasing, I remember growing up, and it was like saying you're a people pleaser, was almost like a compliment you gave yourself. Like, yeah, I just think of others before I think of myself. But people pleasing isn't thinking of others before you think of yourself. People pleasing is like putting other people's opinion, like caring more about what people think of you than about what you think of you. That is really the definition of people pleasing. And that is a really hard way to live because we actually can't control what other people think of us. And when we're making all of our decisions based on what we think they think we should do, then it's a breeding ground for resentment, for sure, and for a lack of self respect as well. So just consider that. And then we also choose resentment because we think that we either can be resentful and give people what they want, or we can feel guilty and ashamed or, quote unquote, selfish by picking what we want. Those are our only two options. And so most of us, because we were taught so explicitly that selfishness is a terrible, awful, horrible thing, that we would much rather feel resentful than be like a terrible, awful, selfish human being. And then there's this idea we have that if we're the ones that are holding the anger and resentment versus the other person in the relationship, that we're the ones with the power, even though we feel awful about it. So let's take a couple of examples, an example or two. So let's go back to the example of spending Thanksgiving with your family. Let's say that you maybe even decided last year, oh yeah, next year we're going to spend Thanksgiving with your family, that you and your husband decided that you were going to spend it with your family. And then it's getting closer. We're like, less than two months from Thanksgiving by the time this airs will even probably be like, a month from Thanksgiving. And your husband's like, I don't want to spend it with your family. Your dad is always making comments to me about this or that, and the bed is so uncomfortable and the house is so boring, and can we just spend it with us? First off, you need to figure out what you want, okay? Because what you want matters, too. And let's just, for the sake of this example, say that you actually really want to spend Thanksgiving with your family and with your siblings, all right? And all your siblings are going to be there, and you want to do that, but old. You might have been like, but it's just not going to be worth it because my husband's going to be upset while we're there, and he's just going to ruin it for me. So we just won't go to Thanksgiving with my parents. And then you end up holding it against your husband for the entire holiday, being upset with him and maybe even being angry on Thanksgiving or holding a grudge. But you don't want to do that this time. You don't want to feel resentful, and you also want to feel selfish. So there are options. It would look like this. Okay, first off, I decide what it is that I want. Figure out what I want. I actually want this one Thanksgiving with my family. And then the second thing is to communicate that with your partner, with your spouse. Remember, honey, like last year, we said that we were going to spend it with my family this year, and I really, really want this, and I want you to want it, too, but I've been planning on this, and so I really want to spend Thanksgiving with my family. And I understand if that's not what you want, but I just want to let you know that that's what I want. See how you can communicate that with love, that it doesn't even have to be an argument, even if he's upset. And he might be like, Well, I'm not going. If you go to your families, like, I'm not going to go. Okay, so then you have another decision to make. Do I want to go to Thanksgiving with me and the kids at my parents house, or do I want to spend it at home with my husband? Those are my options. And you might be thinking, no, what I want is for him to want to go to Thanksgiving with my parents. But that's actually not within your control, right? That's what he gets to choose. And you can make a request. I really want you to want to be there, but ultimately he gets to decide that because he's an adult, right? So second, after you figure out what you want and you communicate that, I always recommend you do so with love and compassion to your spouse. And love and compassion is not the same as people pleasing. You can hold your ground and say, no, actually, this is what I want, and not people, please. I'll be like, okay, people pleasing might sound like it's fine, it's not a big deal. I know you're uncomfortable when you're at my parents house, and so it's fine. We'll just do what you want, even when you don't actually mean that. That is people pleasing. That is trying to manage your husband's experience because you think it would be more uncomfortable for you to see him uncomfortable than it would be for you to say what it is that you really want, which is a breeding ground for resentment. Number three, you get to manage your mind around the old thought patterns you have where you used to people please, and you used to not set any boundaries. You get to practice thinking things like, he can be upset and I don't have to be. Or let's say you choose to go to Thanksgiving with your family and he chooses to stay home. You can tell yourself that that is dysfunctional and completely means your marriage is going down the toilet. Or you can decide to tell yourself a different story, like, it's okay if we do different things. This year we're trying something new. This year, I'm practicing setting boundaries. This year, I'm practicing making what I want a priority as well. So this third step is to manage your mind around the old thought patterns, because they will come up, and it doesn't mean anything has gone wrong, and it doesn't mean those thought patterns are true. It simply means that your brain is really practiced in thinking them. And then the fourth step is to always just continue to choose love and compassion over guilt or resentment, because, remember, we often choose resentment because we think it feels more powerful than guilt and shame that come from believing that we're selfish. And so we choose it because we have this false sense of power that it gives us. But it feels awful. It feels terrible. So let me give you an example of another example of how that might be true and how you can practice these steps as well. All right, let's say that your husband has made mention on several occasions that he wants you to get a job, and you don't really want to get a job at this point in your career. You've chosen to stay home when your kids are younger and you want to continue to enjoy the time and be like a full time mom for now. Or it could be the opposite. Your husband wants you to stay home, and you want to work. Whatever. Actually, what your husband wants is less relevant than applying these steps. Okay, but let's just, for the sake of this example, say your husband made mention of you wanting you to work outside the home. He says something, it would sure be nice if we had the extra income to pay off all our student loans or something like that. First step, figure out what you want. Do you want to work outside the home, or do you want to stay home at this time and be a full time mom? Just decide what it is that you want. It doesn't mean that you necessarily have to choose that, but you want to know what it is you for sure want to at least know what it is you want. So many times my clients come to me, and they know or they think they know exactly what their husbands want. And when I ask them what they want, they don't even know because we're so conditioned and practiced in getting all up in our husband's business that we don't even spend hardly any time at all thinking about what it is that we want. So, number one, figure out what you want. Number one, communicate that to your husband. It might sound like, hey, can we have a conversation about whether or not I go back into the workforce? And it might be a hard conversation, so I think we should do it when we're both well rested and when we're both in a space where we can listen and understand and if we need to schedule it, that's fine. I'm open. I really want to know what you think about this, and I want to be able to communicate what I think about this. See how that's so open and understanding and loving, and it doesn't have you on the defensive, because when we start conversations on the defensive, it's like we're going into a battle, right? And we don't want to do that when we're having conversations with our partner. And then, let's say it's so fascinating to me that when my clients do this, when they approach conversations like this with openness and curiosity and compassion, so often they're so wrong about what they think their husbands want. Oftentimes, if we take this example of working outside the home, they'll discover, like, oh, my husband, actually he wants whatever I want. He knows that I want to buy the house with all the land and have the chickens and the goats, and so he wants to get me that as soon as possible. But then when I convey to him that actually what I want even more than that is to be at home while our children are young, then he's like, okay, fine. That's cool. We'll just put on hold. Or we'll delay a little bit. Our dream of having the house with the white picket fence and the surrounding land, it's shocking to me, and especially to my clients, how once they have an open, compassionate conversation with their partner, how so many times he wants exactly what they want. But if you communicate that with love, you'll figure it out, right? And if you're communicating it with openness and understanding, then even if he wants something different, you can be open to that and understanding to that, which is different than agreeing with it. You can completely disagree with what he wants, and you can be open and understanding. It might sound like, oh, I see why you would want me to go back to work. Like, yeah, we would be able to pay off our student loans faster, and we would be able to move to this neighborhood or this state or set up our retirement more quickly or build up our kids education fund. That makes total sense why you'd want that, but what I really want even more than that is to be home while our kids are young. And so that's what I want even more than I want to have the retirement fund padded or the house on the hill, whatever it is. And then the third step is to manage your mind around like, oh, but I just want him to be happy. If he's not happy, I can't be happy. And he's just so unbearable to live with when he doesn't get what he wants. You get to manage your mind around those. Like, what if it's okay if he's not always happy with your decisions? And what if it's okay if he's not okay for a little bit? What if it's okay if he doesn't get his way this time? And you might decide after talking to him that actually you do want to go back to work, like, oh, yeah, I see the way that you're thinking about it, and I think that I think about it that way too. But you will know if you're people pleasing or if you are genuinely changed your mind based on how you feel inside and based on if you're thinking about doing it because you think it's what he wants or because it's what you ultimately want. And then the fourth step would be to choose love and compassion over guilt and resentment. Sometimes it's so easy to just be like, fine, he wants me to go back to work, so I'm just going to go back to work because he's so difficult to deal with when he doesn't get what he wants. And then it feels powerful because you're the one who gets to ultimately be upset with him for, quote unquote, making you go back to work. But you're totally disconnected from your husband and you're actually disconnected from yourself because you're telling yourself that you don't have a choice in this, that he's the one that's making the choice for you? Which is just, like, such a recipe for being ununified disunified, for not being on the same team in your marriage, right? Which you can tell yourself feels powerful because resentment does kind of feel powerful, but it feels terrible, too, because it's so disconnecting. Whereas the work of managing your mind around those old thought patterns and of coming up with a new way to think about it. Like it's okay if he's not okay with this right now. Or we are figuring things out, or I'm learning how to set boundaries in my marriage and it's going to be what's best for both of us, or It's okay for me to say what I want too. Or I used to think people pleasing is the answer, but I know it's not the answer anymore. Practicing new thoughts like that is ultimately going to have you so much more connected to yourself and to your spouse. So go and choose compassion and love over resentment or guilt. If this is challenging for you as you practice it, I am here to help you sign up for a take your turn strategy session by going to at Sarahpain coaching on instagram and I will help you get started. This is work well worth doing because it's not just going to affect the next five years of you choosing to go back to work now or go back to work later. This is going to affect your marriage forever. And this is not only going to affect your marriage, it's also going to affect the way your children grow up. Seeing marriage like this work is truly intergenerational. The way that you interact with your spouse is the school for your kids on what the ideas that they learn from a very young age about what healthy marriage looks like. And we want to teach them the right way because then they teach their kids and their kids kids and it really does affect like the effect that it has is intergenerational. So sign up for a consultation, call with me and we can talk about how you can apply these tools and how we can work together on an ongoing basis. Have a great weekend.