#32: Our Epidemic of Loneliness, with Laura Giles

Love Is Us: Exploring Relationships and How We Connect

The Surgeon General of the United States has officially recognized that loneliness is a major public health issue. In May he released an 82-page report about how it affects people’s mental and physical health. He explains how it affects us at the individual, family, community, and societal levels. We can all play a role in ending loneliness, which will help make the world a better place.

During my conversation today I talk with Laura Giles. We talk about loneliness and what we can do to increase our connection with others and make the world a better place.

Laura Giles turned her childhood bullying experience into a passion for creating connected, meaningful relationships for herself and others. She pours everything she's learned as a trauma therapist, mom, holistic healer, and spiritual tour facilitator into her Surviving to Thriving program.

Laura’s community: player.letitgonow.org

Podcast: https://www.letitgonow.net/

YouTube channgel: youtube.com/@surviving2thriving

https://lauragiles.org

https://lauragiles.net

https://lauragiles.me

Surgeon General’s report:

https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf

Join Karin’s relationship support group for women by emailing her:

[e-mail]

Karin’s website:

www.drcalde.com

Follow Karin on Instagram:

http://www.instagram.com/theloveandconnectioncoach

TRANSCRIPT

Podcast Intro:

[00:00] Karin: This is Love Is Us, Exploring Relationships and How We Connect. I'm your host, Karin Calde. I'll talk with people about how we can strengthen our relationships, explore who we are in those relationships, and experience a greater sense of love and connection with those around us, including ourselves. I have a PhD in clinical Psychology, practiced as a psychologist resident, and after diving into my own healing work, I went back to school and became a coach, helping individuals and couples with their relationships and personal growth. If you want to experience more love in your life and contribute to healing the disconnect so prevalent in our world today, you're in the right place. Welcome to Love is Us.

Episode Intro:

Karin: Hello, everyone. This episode, episode #32, is near and dear to my heart because it gets to the core of why I do the work that I do as a relationship coach. Today I'm going to be talking with my guest, Laura Giles, about loneliness and why it matters, whether or not your connection with your intimate partner is enough, whether or not all relationships are good…and we also talk about some ideas of what to do about it when you experience loneliness.

We start off talking specifically about the Surgeon General's report on loneliness that was published in May of this year. That's 2023, and the Surgeon General has declared that the United States, like many other industrialized nations, are in the middle of a loneliness crisis.

Now, I can relate to this. I was terribly lonely starting at the age of ten when my life circumstances changed. So I know loneliness in my bones, and it's not a natural state for humans. We are meant to be connected in community and with others. Our very survival, especially when we're young, really depends on it. And when you're lonely as a child, not only does it affect the choices that you make for yourself at the time, but it tends to stick around and get reactivated pretty readily unless you heal, and healing is absolutely possible.

There are a number of different reasons why we can feel lonely, and perhaps I'll do an episode on that topic sometime, but I just want to say that you can be in an intimate relationship and still feel lonely. A lot of people don't really realize that, and they struggle to put their finger on what's really going on, and sometimes that's what it is. But that's also something that you can change with some help.

Laura Giles, my guest today, she's a holistic trauma therapist with over 20 years of experience, and she's a spiritual tour facilitator. And like me, she understands the importance of this topic, and she was the perfect person to talk to about loneliness and the healing power of connection with all things on this Earth. Relationships are vital for our happiness, but they can be really hard to navigate. And this is why I've made it my life's work and why I do this podcast connection is life.

One last thing: Next week starts Sexy September, and my first episode will be about desire and specifically about why you and your partner probably don't have the same level of interest in physical intimacy. I've got some great guests lined up, so I hope you'll listen. So thanks for being here. And here we go.

Transcript:

[03:45] Laura: Hi. Thank you for asking me to be here. I'm so excited.

[03:48] Karin: Yeah. I'm really looking forward to this conversation. But first, tell us where you are in the world.

[03:54] Laura: I am in Virginia.

[03:56] Karin: How long have you lived there?

[03:58] Laura: Oh, it's been a minute, 23 years, maybe more. I'm not sure. A long time. My dad moved us here from the Midwest, and that's how I got here.

[04:12] Karin: And what keeps you there?

[04:14] Laura: Oh, family now because my family has moved down. Yeah, it's home now. What do you do for work? I am a trauma therapist and relationship coach, and I got started in that kind of by accident. I was in college, didn't know what I wanted to do. I'd started late because I didn't know what I wanted to do and kind of found my way into a psychology class just to fill the time. I thought, okay, here's an easy A. Let me just do this thing. And I was amazed at how people make sense. People did not make any sense to me before that. I was bullied when I was a kid, and so I had that situation of being targeted. And I also grew up in a very connected place with lots of love and warmth and protection around me, too. So I couldn't really make sense of how these things could exist in the same place at the same time with basically the same people, because there are people who from my neighborhood. And it wasn't until I got into a psychology class that it all clicked. And I was just fascinated by how things are related and how they make sense and how if you shift this one thing, then this thing can happen. If you move it back, then you can repair it. And I really like connecting the dots and making things flow and go really smoothly so that I guess I kind of do that with people.

[05:47] Karin: That's great. Yeah. So kind of making sense of your experiences in the world and figuring out why people do the things they do. And what drew you to trauma specifically?

[05:58] Laura: I think that just because it's challenging. And when I was in my internship, I hate to say this, but my supervisors dumped on me, and they gave me what they considered the worst cases, the people who weren't improving, and they didn't want to deal with people, and they just said they just gave them to the interns. But I found them to be the most fascinating people and the people that I clicked with the most because they were just so honest and so vulnerable and they really wanted to be helped. And I think just by being with people where they were and accepting them as they are just made a tremendous difference in their ability to get better. Everybody wants to be seen. And it takes so little to help somebody and to see somebody and it starts with that connection. And so because it was so challenging to me and it was new stuff and I'm hearing all of these stories that I'd never heard before in these situations and again, it's a connecting the dots. So that part of it was fascinating too. But really it was the connection that drew me to them and to trauma itself. And I really love seeing the light come on in somebody when something clicks and they blossom. Or even if it's just not that something really shifts, but just a moment of sharing happiness with somebody or just being vulnerable with somebody. It's just so real and so appealing and so rare. So I really like that part of it and that's how I gravitated towards.

[07:35] Karin: Trauma and so it seems like you recognize that importance of connection and how vital that is to help people heal.

[07:45] Laura: Yes, I think it wasn't like contrived or anything. I really grew up in that. I grew up as an animist. My mom was that way in everything that she does. It wasn't something extra or different. It was just a way of breathing. It's just a way of moving in the world. And so that's in me and I carry it with me. And I didn't realize it was anything extraordinary or something that other people didn't do until I started seeing it at work and how differently I worked compared to how some other people worked because I didn't see these people as problems or like there's a lot of derogatory language towards people with issues and people who have a hard time healing. And it comes from trauma. You can't do what you can't do and if you're in a place of fear it can be hard to say well, just get up, get out of bed, take a shower. It's easy to say. But if you're in a space of trauma, it's not so easy to do. So there wasn't a lot of compassion and not a lot of connection and I don't think you have to have been in that place necessarily to understand that. You just have to be a human yeah.

[08:53] Karin: And tell us what an animist is.

[08:56] Laura: So an animist I don't know where that word comes from but it's not a word that we use. I think it's a sciency word but it's a word that describes someone who believes that everything is alive, sacred and connected. So it's used mostly as a spiritual term, but I don't know that. I think it's bigger than that. It's more of a lifestyle, a philosophy. It certainly is spiritual but it is more than that.

[09:23] Karin: And you said you learned that from your mom.

[09:26] Laura: Yes.

[09:26] Karin: And so how did she demonstrate that?

[09:30] Laura: It's really hard to say because when I talk to people about it, they think it's about rituals and, like, the holy day things, the things that you do when someone dies or the things that you do in the morning to say your prayers. And that's why I mean, it's more than something spiritual. It really is a way of walking. So when you know that everything is sacred and alive and connected, you just interact with it differently. So it's like with the clients that I was talking about, I don't know that this is conscious in everything I do, but if I'm looking at somebody and I say, oh, you're a homeless bum, you're down and out, that's a way of seeing things. If I'm looking at this person and I'm saying, you're a worthy human being, you're a part of me, that's a different way of seeing things. And that's going to show in the way that I talk to this person and the way that I treat this person and the energy exchange that happens between us. So it's more of that than really. I mean, there are rituals and that kind of thing, and we do eat different foods and all of that, but it's really bigger than that.

[10:31] Karin: Yeah, I think 20 years ago, I would have thought, oh, okay. But I think as I've grown older, I've really seen the beauty of the connection that humans have with all living things and all the things on Earth and how beautiful that connection is and how real it is. So I love that you just bring that into everything you do and just your way of living.

[11:02] Laura: I think you can't help it. Once you have a kernel of it, it just kind of grows inside of you, and it's a dance and it's exchange. So, like, right now, I'm facing the window, and I can see the clouds and they're outside the window, but it's part of the air that I'm breathing, the space that I'm occupying, and it's like we're here together, so everything is a part of everything. So I think the space that we're in is really important, the emotional space, and just sharing that with others. And when we're closed down to it, or we're just not open to having a connection with other people, it makes it really hard to be in that space with them. How can you not be? You're in it.

[11:46] Karin: Yeah. And I'd love to see people feeling more of that connection in our world, and that's really largely where we're going to be talking about today. So when we spoke initially, you brought up the fact that the Surgeon General had just published this report on loneliness in this country, in the United States. I immediately perked up because loneliness is something that I talk about a lot and write about and I think is essential to the work that I do, but I hadn't heard that this report had just been published, so I was really excited about it. So, first of all, thank you. And I've had the chance now to do some reading about it, but maybe you can maybe you could give us a summary about what was said in that. I think it's 82 page report.

[12:46] Laura: Huge. Very comprehensive. I was shocked to see how detailed and well thought out. I didn't have high expectations at all. I was surprised that it was the focus of the Surgeon General and that they're calling it an epidemic every single page. I was just riveted, and I didn't expect that either. I thought it was going to be some dry report. It really covered everything, the nuts and bolts of everything. And some of the huge takeaways for me were the fact that it negatively influences health. So things like heart disease, diabetes. So the big ones to think that loneliness impacts your lifespan is kind of crazy. Your quality of life in every single aspect, your spirituality, everything, your economics, how much money you spend on medicines, all have to do with connection. I mean, it's essential as breathing. We really need to do this for ourselves. So we do all this. I'm going to eat clean, I'm going to exercise. But we don't talk about, I'm going to go hang out with my friends and make sure that they're good, quality friends. It is that important.

[13:57] Karin: Yeah. When I read this kind of stuff, I take my highlighter and I'm forever the student. And I just found myself highlighting practically everything.

[14:10] Laura: Yeah, me too.

[14:11] Karin: Yeah.

[14:12] Laura: There is so much good stuff like.

[14:14] Karin: Oh, that's so important. Oh, that's so important. And it really isn't frivolous. It is packed with really great information. Right?

[14:23] Laura: Yeah. When it said about I can't remember how many cigarettes a day, something like 15 cigarettes a day, loneliness is the equivalent of smoking 1615 cigarettes a day. That's stunning. Just stunning.

[14:38] Karin: Yeah. The health impacts are real, and we know this through science. I think that it's not a part of our culture to really to know that, perhaps, or to believe that, but I'm hoping that changes. I love how it makes the connection for you. They had this great graphic, and I'm holding up the people in the audience can't see, but it says how. And this is on page 31. If anyone wants to go and see this, anyone can find this report. How does social connection influence health? And it breaks it down to how social connection impacts biology, psychology and behaviors, and how that leads to things like heart disease, stroke, diabetes impacts, someone's morbidity and premature mortality, and so much more. And they also talk about the mental health impacts, of course, too. Not only does it make that link and explains that link, but it also talks about where to go.

[15:41] Laura: Right? Yeah. And I'm surprised that it's taken this long actually because child suicide is epidemic and that's been going on for years. We have so many problems that the root of it is loneliness. And I think the Rosetto effect, I'm not sure if you know about that one. That study was done and started in the looked at this small community in Pennsylvania of Italian immigrants and why they didn't have heart disease. They should have had heart disease. They worked in I can't remember if it was a mine or some kind of filthy toxic place. They ate fat, pork, just greasy stuff and drank wine like it was water and they smoked cigarettes. And why do these people not have heart disease? They should be at the top. And additionally they had I think that something like 20% less crime than everyone else and almost nobody was on public assistance. It's like what is it about these Italian people? And the thing that gave them this health benefit was the fact that they were such a tight knit community. So we've known this for decades.

[16:54] Karin: It's beautiful. It is. Great case study for everyone to know about. I love it. And it also reminds me of the book that recently was published, the Good Life based on the Harvard study that has followed all these people for the last, I don't know, since maybe the found and then they were looking for what makes people happy, what makes for a good life and they found definitively that it's relationships. Yeah, it's a fascinating book. It's not dry even though it's all based on research. They bring in the specific stories of people they've been following and their families, all these different measures and questions they ask and it's super interesting. But yeah. What do you think? Obviously this report came out because there's a problem. We're all really disconnected. So what do you think are some of the factors that play that have led to where we are now consumerism?

[18:15] Laura: I think a lot of it is American lifestyle, really. I think most of us were brought up to be successful. Our culture stresses the masculine things of intellect, getting good grades, making good money and looking good so you can have all this approval and prestige. But it neglects the soft things like nurturing and listening and just taking time out for enjoyment. So we have lots of workaholics, we have lots of debt for all the things we want to do to look good and to feel good. But we don't have a lot of self care, we don't have a lot of friendships. I think there's a lot of people who go out and do the selfie thing and be like look at me, I'm at this trendy restaurant with all my people. But that's not the same thing as connecting from the heart. I think if we do it as a selfie for the highlight reel, that's a really different thing and you can have that experience and then go home feeling really empty inside, which I think a lot of people do, versus if you're there, really connecting. So it's not about the money or the place or who you're with. It's about the heart connection of it. If you're doing it in a connected way, you could be in your backyard having a cup of tea and be bursting full, and you've spent almost nothing. So I think we can do those things for ourself. Free are practically free, instead of investing in all of the prestige and the surface thing that look good but don't necessarily feel good.

[19:50] Karin: Yeah. So getting back to our authentic selves and really connecting that and you know, I'll just say know I'd mentioned earlier before we hit record, that the UK has a minister of loneliness. And I believe that Japan and Australia have also recognized the impacts of loneliness in their countries and have created these government departments to really address it. So I think it's also beyond America. I mean, I think American might have the worst problem, is what I would suspect, but I don't know that. But it seems like a worldwide problem. Maybe probably not all countries, because I think different cultures value connection and relationships differently, but it seems like it's affecting most people in the world.

[20:47] Laura: And I could be wrong, but I think it's a largely Western or consumerist culture problem. One of the things that I've done for the last 20 some years is spiritual travel. And a lot of that is to the Third World. And one of the charms of going to the Third World is that connection. The first time I did that, I didn't know what was so attractive about it, because it's dirty, it's sweaty, you've got people begging for stuff, but you also have people laughing for no reason. You have people having a festival in the street when they have nothing and they're sharing everything they have with everyone else. You don't even know these people, and they're inviting you in, and they're just so full of joy and they're singing and they're celebrating. And like I said, they don't even know you and they're inviting you in. And it is something that fills me to bursting whenever I'm there, because it's not about appearances or who you know or what you have. They don't care. They never ask. So I don't see that loneliness there now. I don't live there day to day. I could be wrong. And do they have other problems? Sure, but I don't think loneliness is at the top of it.

[21:57] Karin: Yeah, I believe that too. I think that's one of the benefits of international travel is for people to see something spent. I've spent some time in Ethiopia, and one of the things that just really touched me know, I had my kids there. And when we would meet people, the first people these new people would talk.

[22:22] Laura: To was the kids.

[22:24] Karin: They'd get down on their levels and they'd really connect with them and just value them as people. And I always thought it was so beautiful.

[22:33] Laura: Yeah, it doesn't take a lot. It doesn't take a lot at all to see people. And speaking of Ethiopia this is not Ethiopia, but it reminded me of a time when I was in Native American country, very poor, and I wasn't even really with people in the one memory that sticks out in my mind, but in that entire community, everywhere you went, people just felt really grounded and solid and connected to that place. And I remember just being in a field there and watching the wind blow the timothy around and just feeling so solid like that, like, I belong there, I belong to them, I belong to this place, even though I'd never been there before, because the heart of the place was just that open. It was like, you're a human, you belong to this planet, this is you. And I had never felt that in a community way the way that I did there. And that's really what kind of opened my mind and my heart to what I had been brought up in, because I always felt that in my family, somewhat in my neighborhood, but never in a community setting like that. It was just incredible. And I think we can have that if people want it.

[23:48] Karin: When you visited this Native American country, did you get the sense that that connection was just part of the culture?

[23:59] Laura: Absolutely, yes. So I knew some people there before we went, and so they kind of gave us the introduction to the land and the people and all of that. So that helped. I don't think I needed to have that, though. The very first night that we came, there was a powwow. And I've been to a million powwows, so that wasn't anything particularly different, except that it was this was the first time that I had ever been to a powwow. When they do the grand opening, they do your prayers. And this is a veterans powwow. So they called in all the ancestor spirits of all the people from the tribe to come and all the veterans, the warriors, to be in there with them, and you could feel them come. It was probably maybe 150 people. It swelled to 1000, and I'm not kidding you. And you could feel them dancing. You could feel it. And it was just amazing. And I think that's what did it. You just could feel the history of the place, the age, the infinity of it. You could feel it in the people who were there and just they had a sense of who they are because they have all that lineage behind them. So when I'm talking about connection, I'm not just talking about from person to person. I'm really talking about in a universal way. We do belong to the Earth, we do belong to each other. We belong to our ancestors. The past, the present, the future, all of it. And I think once you have experienced that and how awesome you are in the face of all of this, it's something that never leaves you. And it's very hard to go back to being that teeny, tiny, small person that you were before, because in order to be lonely, you have to withhold that light from yourself and from everyone else, because it's in there and it's just bursting to shine. So we're doing this to ourselves. We're withholding our light.

[25:59] Karin: I could just feel that when you were talking about that experience. I mean, I could just feel how.

[26:04] Laura: Powerful that it was amazing.

[26:06] Karin: It must have been. Yeah, that's beautiful. And it also reminds me that we also become so disconnected from ourselves at a very fundamental level. And that trauma, of course, plays a big role in that as well. And that's probably another big reason for the disconnection, is just the history of trauma that we have around the world.

[26:34] Laura: Yes. I think we're invalidated from the time we're little kids because of the culture that we grow up in. You think you want to be especially certain cultures. You think you want to be a teacher? No, you can't be a teacher. That's not good enough. You have to be a doctor, that kind of thing. Or if you're a little boy and you like pink or purple. No, you can't like that. You have to like blue. And so it's not uncommon now for little kids as young as five years old to not know who they are or what they want. If you ask them, what do you want? I don't know. What do you think about this? I don't know. And I think it's crazy. They should be exploding with curiosity and open to everything, and they don't know.

[27:19] Karin: Yeah. Because their experiences and their feelings get invalidated.

[27:23] Laura: Yes.

[27:25] Karin: So I talk a lot about connection with family and significant others. Well, I know for me personally, I put a lot of emphasis on my relationship with my significant other and with my family. Not my extended family, but my kids. But tell us why that's maybe not enough.

[27:50] Laura: Oh, I think it is so much pressure to try to be that thing for your person, which is what I think we do. It's like the fairy tale. You go with your person and you live happily ever after because you now complete. And I think that is such a disastrous message, because nobody can do that for you. First of all, you have to do it for yourself. And then to put all that on them is a lot of pressure on them. And then if you're trying to do that for someone else, then you end up losing yourself. So there's no way to win with that. And I think to spread that love out does more for you and your community and your kids and everything else. I have tons of siblings. Tons of siblings. And I thank God for them. And I think that was a gigantic support for me because I didn't have to rely on one sibling or if I don't like this one, then I still have another one. And if I don't like that one, I have another one. So there's all these people that could share the love and it wasn't just for companionship, but there's this thing that I think that contributes a lot to our loneliness as well. And it's called skin hunger. And we need touch. And when I was a little kid, I came from a high touch family. My mom's super warm and we would always pile on each other and just sleep on each other and just snuggle and cuddle. And we still do to some degree. Not like we did when we were little, but we still are affectionate like that. And I think if you can't touch people except for they're having sex, which is what we do, that leaves a lot of empty space inside. And when we are allowed to have platonic intimacy and I mean emotional intimacy as well as non sexual touch, like holding hands, then that feeds us in a way that our significant other or just our kids can't because we can't be with them all the time and they have their own lives to lead, especially our kids. They're going to grow up and leave and then what do we do? I think we have so many resources. The whole universe is a resource. Do you want to just put it all in one person?

[30:05] Karin: Yeah. So spreading the love is important.

[30:08] Laura: Yeah.

[30:09] Karin: Then you have more sources of love. Yes. Tell us what you mean by platonic intimacy.

[30:16] Laura: So it's just that it's having relationships with people that are open and vulnerable and close but have nothing to do with sex. I work with a lot of sexual assault survivors and some perpetrators. And in a lot of those situations, they get into them because they don't want to be alone. And then things go in a direction that they didn't want it to go. And sometimes they feel obligated. And you did this for me, and now I have to do this for you, but I really don't want to. That kind of thing.

[30:50] Karin: Transactional relationship.

[30:52] Laura: Yes. And I think if our touch needs were met, if our intimacy needs were met, maybe there wouldn't be so much of that. If that's the only way that you have to get your touch needs met, then that becomes a real strong drive. But it's like if you're full, you don't need to eat. Again, I think there would be a lot more space to just have relationships that are not sexual if we had permission to touch. And one of the really cool ways of people doing that is through this thing called cuddle party. I don't know if you've heard of it.

[31:30] Karin: No.

[31:31] Laura: So there's other. Organizations too. But Cuddle Party is this place I think they started in California where that's what people do. They get together to have platonic touch. And it's not necessarily that you're going to snuggle, but you have permission to ask for what you want and you have permission to touch and to be close and to just sit there and enjoy the company of other people without these expectations that there's going to be sex later. And I started doing it as a facilitator because I have sexual assault clients and I would like for them to feel safe again with touch. And I had zero expectation. So I'm thinking in my mind I do this a lot with therapy stuff. Oh, this is for someone else, I'm doing this for you. There's nothing here for me. But I was really surprised at how chill I was at the end of it. It was like, I don't know, the deepest massage I had ever gotten. I was just so relaxed. I mean, talk about downgrading your nervous system. It was just amazing. And most of it was not spent in any touch at all. It was just having that permission and that connected space with people with no expectations knowing fully well that you could say no.

[32:51] Karin: Yeah. So it sounds like a really safe place.

[32:54] Laura: It's a very safe place. Yeah.

[32:56] Karin: And I bet that really does wondrous for your nervous system.

[32:59] Laura: It's great.

[33:02] Karin: So one of the things that this report by the surgeon general said was that for one, he says that half of Americans have report experiencing loneliness. They also talk about how more and more people have fewer and fewer friends. I love how he breaks it down because I've talked about this in a similar way that there's social isolation. So you don't have a lot of relationships in your life. But there's also those who feel lonely. I can't remember the words that they use for it in the report, but those who might have social connections but still feel lonely. But my question is more around those who lack friendships and struggle to make friends as adults. I think that's really tough. Why is that so hard for people?

[34:03] Laura: I think drama. I think if you're afraid and maybe you don't have very good skills, let's say something happened when you're young, maybe you're bullied. And so it's scary to talk to people. You're not going to do it, you're not going to do it well, you're not going to feel comfortable and that discomfort can keep you from doing it. And then if something happens that's awkward or weird, now I'm in my head about it and oh my God, I can't do that again. So I think it becomes this self feeding thing where it's just too much. No way. And there's too I have a lot of clients who have frenemies. It's like the people that I hang out with and I do social things with them, say they're in the horse club or they're in the book club or whatever that you do. And so you have common interests but you don't really like each other or they're maybe not nice people, maybe they're gossipy and backstabby and I'm like, well, why do you hang out with them? It's like, well, who else would I hang out with? Or they've been here my whole life or something like that. So they're going for it's better than nobody, I guess I would say drop those people though and find some quality people because they are out there. They just may be a little harder to find because they're not on Facebook or they're not out hanging at the.

[35:24] Karin: Yeah, I remember one of the things the report talks about was that we need to minimize the things that make us feel disconnected. And one of those A list is unhealthy relationships, spending time in unhealthy relationships. I think it's so scary for people. It's like, yeah, but then I won't have anyone if I let this one go. Or it's what I know, it's what I'm familiar with and what I'm used to is being treated like this, right?

[35:49] Laura: Yeah. I see that as a trauma issue because if you don't know what good is, then you're going to settle for the bad. If that's what's familiar, then that's what you're going to do. But if you get stronger and healthier, then there's no way you're going to do that. You start to have options even if it's just to love yourself and be by yourself.

[36:09] Karin: Yeah. And it takes some self respect and self compassion, doesn't it?

[36:12] Laura: Yeah.

[36:13] Karin: And it also reminds me that again, in the report they talk about the health impacts but they also talk about the impact on communities and the ability to recover from natural disasters and the financial impacts, but also the rates of violence in communities and how that's all impacted by connection. Yeah, and how they talk about these different pillars of connection when they talk about the solutions and the roles that different people can play. And I'm looking for it right here. But it says what individuals can do. And I think this also gets to the work that you and I do, is reducing practices that lead to feelings of disconnection. Understanding the power of social connection and the consequences of the disconnection. Seeking out opportunities to serve and support others. Being responsive, supportive and practice gratitude. I mean, all these things. And it also talks about valuing things like kindness and respect and all these things get back to, I think, the growth that we can do as individuals so that we can connect with others. Right?

[37:43] Laura: Yeah, it absolutely starts with the individual because if I don't have the capacity to do that, then there's nothing I can do. So if you have trauma, you've got to down regulate your nervous system so you can connect because you can't do it from a space of right where.

[38:00] Karin: There'S so much fear and anxiety.

[38:04] Laura: And it's so simple to just talk to people. If you live in a neighborhood, you see somebody out mowing the lawn or raking the leaves, say, Hi. Hey, how are you doing? So when we were little, we had neighbors on both sides of us who were elderly ladies, and we would shovel their sidewalk sometimes or rake their leaves or something like that, because they're old. And they didn't ask us to do that. It was just like, hey, I see you. Maybe you need some help with this. Let me do this for you. It's stuff like that. Just being aware of where you are and who you are and who you're around and helping out if you can. Maybe they didn't need us to do that, but it was in our hearts to do it, so we did it. And I have an older lady now who she's not doing well at all. She definitely needs some help, and she's very proud. She wouldn't ask for it, but every now and then, I go over there and mow her lawn. I don't do it every time, but, yeah, I'm aware of her. And our whole neighborhood is like that. We had a tree come down over the road, and the tree was on a property that was an absentee landlord. Before I could even say anything, that tree was picked up. All the guys in the neighborhood came out. It was like, oh, my God, we get a chance to use our chainsaws. Let's go, guys. And they just took care of it. And it's just amazing how people help each other out. And these are people, some of them, I never see them, never say hi to them, because they're just not there. But that neighborhood spirit is there. So I think if your heart is open, then you don't have to say hi to everybody. But that shows. It shows in the way that you show up.

[39:42] Karin: Yeah. And again, we've talked about that in the report. Neighbors who know one another and support one another, they do better, and that can be a really beautiful thing. I mean, just being able to live in a neighborhood where you know one another and you help someone who's having a hard time, that's the kind of neighborhood I want to live in.

[40:04] Laura: Yeah. And I'm very fortunate to live there.

[40:08] Karin: Yeah, I'm pretty lucky to live where I am as well. Yeah. It also reminds me of this study that was, I think, they talk about in that book I mentioned the good life that they had. People who rode the train, I think, to work every day or something, and they divided them in half, and they said, the control group, just go about your train ride like you usually would, reading or doing work or whatever. And the other half, they said, we want you to strike up a conversation with somebody on the train, and they really didn't want to. They didn't think it was going to be something that they would enjoy. But it was clear that those who started up those conversations enjoyed their trip much more, and they're surprised at how enjoyable that conversation really was.

[41:00] Laura: Yeah. That's a little thing. Yeah.

[41:04] Karin: What are some ideas that you have? And you've talked a little bit about this already, but do you have any other ideas for how people can increase their connections with other people smile?

[41:18] Laura: I think a smile goes a long way. That's been a theme in my life lately. So my whole family smiles a lot with their whole mouth, and somebody recently said something to me about it. But I think it is a way of showing that you're open and that you're approachable. And I think it goes a long way to so the mind and body is connected, and if I'm smiling, typically, it's not a fake thing. And if it is, you can see that. Then you can see that I'm open and I'm approachable, and you're more likely to want to connect with me versus somebody who's next to me who's got their arms folded and they have a frown on their face. So I think when your body is open, you just feel better. So whether somebody approaches you or not, you feel better. So I think smiling is a great way to just change your whole day.

[42:20] Karin: Yeah, I think that's true. It really says that your heart is open.

[42:25] Laura: Yeah.

[42:27] Karin: And for those who have a hard time doing that in a genuine way, then I think that says, okay, then there's some work to do. Right on yourself.

[42:37] Laura: Yeah. There's a thing called in pop culture called resting bitch face.

[42:42] Karin: Yes.

[42:44] Laura: And when your face is masked like that, that is a sign of trauma. Unless it's something cultivated, because there's some women who don't smile because of frown lines, and that's cultivated too. But if your face is just naturally rest in a frown or like, it's not moving, it's frozen, then that's a sign of trauma. So you're absolutely right. There is some work to do.

[43:05] Karin: Yeah. And it's not easy work.

[43:08] Laura: No, but I think it's worthwhile work.

[43:12] Karin: Well, I think what so many people don't realize is that by not doing the work, that is also really hard and painful.

[43:24] Laura: Yes.

[43:24] Karin: It might not be so acute, but it's spread out over time, and it makes your life a lot harder when you don't do it.

[43:34] Laura: And I think that's why we're at an epidemic stage right now with loneliness, because there are so many generations who haven't done the work, and you can only give your kids what you have. So if you think about three, four generations I don't know how long it's been of people who are struggling and they give less and less and less and less, and their kids get less, and you're not home with your kids, they're raised by childcare workers or they're left home alone and there's no one there. There's no connection, nobody that cares about them, nobody from their family. Of course they're going to have a loneliness epidemic if I don't know how to connect with you and I don't know how to love you and I'm scared to death and I'm so closed down. And it's nobody's fault if you have trauma, you have trauma, you can't do what you can't do, but you can fix it if you know that that's the problem, you can fix it. And I think we all have to do that because it's not just one person's problem, it's a societal issue now.

[44:29] Karin: Yeah. And I think it has everything to do with how polarized we are as a country and world and how stressful.

[44:39] Laura: The world is now. I agree. And I don't think it has to be that way. I think we can unplug turn off social media, tone her off. I don't watch the news, I don't do any of it. And if it's not in your ear 24/7, then you can sit in the backyard with your friend, with some wine and have fun and not talk about that stuff. I think the world is what we focus on, and maybe that might be a little Pollyanna ish because the other stuff is going on, but it's not in my world and it's not something that I have to deal with and probably will never have to deal with.

[45:13] Karin: So what role does love play in the work that you do?

[45:17] Laura: I think love is at the center of everything. I hope it is for everyone. So when I was talking about that light inside that shines, I think that's where it comes from. And if it's on and if you allow it to shine, then it shines on everything you do. It lights a path for you and it's a beacon to other people. I think that it gives back to you as much as you give. So I think we all need to connect with that regularly because we can start to take it for granted. We can forget it if we're not around good people, we don't see it reflected back to us. So we have to have some kind of way to recharge that so that we can stay connected to the light inside of us and keep giving it away.

[46:01] Karin: And how can people learn more about you and working with you?

[46:06] Laura: My podcast is at Letitgonow.net.

[46:11] Karin: I think I'll put it in the show notes too.

[46:14] Laura: And my website is large. Also my name, so either one of those places great.

[46:23] Karin: And is there anything else you want to leave the audience with before we say goodbye?

[46:27] Laura: I would just like to say thank you to you for all that you do and for this podcast and the love and the light that you bring to the world.

[46:35] Karin: Thank you so much. And I really appreciate you and I appreciate this conversation.

[46:39] Laura: Thank you.

Outro:

[46:40] Karin: Thanks for joining us today on Love Is Us. If you liked the show, I would so appreciate it if you left me a review. If you have questions and would like to follow me on social media, you can find me on Instagram, where I'm “the Love and Connection coach.” Special thanks to Tim Gorman for my music, Aly Shaw for my artwork, and Ross Burdick for tech and editing assistance. Again, I'm so glad you joined us today because the best way to bring more love into your life and into the world is to be loved. The best way to be loved is to love yourself and those around you. Let's learn and be inspired together.