#42: Tips for Less Stress & More Peace this Holiday

Love Is Us: Exploring Relationships and How We Connect

While for some people the holidays can be a time for joy, peace, and love, for many others it is a time of stress, grief, and overwhelm. This episode is for those who want more of the former and less or the latter. Whether you're going through a divorce or break-up, you or someone close to you is ill, you can't imagine the holidays without that special person who died, or if you're someone who has a strong people-pleasing part that sacrifices yourself for others, leaving you feeling depleted, and perhaps dejected, resentful, or angry in the end...then this episode is for you.

We'll talk about how to take care of yourself during this episode. When you take care of yourself, you have increased capacity to connect with and help others. Your relationships become stronger and you feel more satisfied. If you like this episode, I hope you'll share it with friends, co-workers, and family. Thanks for being here!

Sign up for Karin's FREE class, Compassionate Boundaries for a Peaceful Holiday (November 15 at 5:30pm PST):

https://boundaries.drcalde.com

Or you can send Karin an email to sign up for her class, putting "boundaries" in the subject line:

[e-mail]

Karin's webisite: www.drcalde.com

TRANSCRIPT

Intro:

Karin: This is Love Is Us, Exploring Relationships and How We Connect. I'm your host, Karin Calde. I'll talk with people about how we can strengthen our relationships, explore who we are in those relationships, and experience a greater sense of love and connection with those around us, including ourselves. I have a PhD in clinical Psychology, practiced as a psychologist resident, and after diving into my own healing work, I went back to school and became a coach, helping individuals and couples with their relationships and personal growth. If you want to experience more love in your life and contribute to healing the disconnect so prevalent in our world today, you're in the right place. Welcome to Love Is Us.

Episode:

Hello, everybody. It is November, and holiday season is upon us, no matter how you celebrate it, or if you even celebrate it. But this can be a really stressful time for people, and I really want to know, how would you like the upcoming holidays to go for you? If you're not intentional about it and you don't decide what you want, then they're going to happen as they will and probably much like past years, and maybe that's okay. But if you're typically worn out by the time that New Year's Day rolls around, you're disappointed or you're wondering why you don't feel rejuvenated.

Or, maybe you're having a hard time right now. You could be going through a divorce or a breakup. You might have lost someone close to you, or maybe you or someone in your family is in crisis right now. There are a lot of things that can impact our experience of holiday time, and we're surrounded by all these images on TV and social media of all these happy people. And it's easy to compare and then feel badly when you don't feel that joy.

I want to put you in the driver's seat of your life this holiday season. Instead of letting everyone else's actions determine how you feel and how you judge your holiday experiences, I want you to be in a position of choice and personal power. Because the truth is, when you're aware of your own needs and you stop depending on others to fill you up, you'll be in a much better position to connect with the people close to you and give, and you're just going to feel a lot happier. Like they say, you can't pour from an empty cup and there is nothing like the holidays to suck our cups dry.

I have five different areas I'm going to focus on today. But if that's too much, if that means you're likely to do nothing, then just pick one. Maybe it's the first one that grabs you and then focus on it. Okay, so we're going to dive right in.

Number one, identify what's really important to you this holiday season and let everything else go. Now, this isn't easy for those of us who have strong people, pleasing parts and believe that we need to sacrifice our own needs for others in order to be good. So let me say that again, because I think this fits for a lot of us, and especially women. You are worthy of love and care just for being you. You do not have to do it all. Your sense of worth should not come from what you do for others. So spend some time with this and maybe do some journaling. Imagine waking up on New Year's Day and feeling happy, content, at peace. What would have happened to make you feel this way? Simplify. So let that be your guiding light. Maybe you spend time with friends. Maybe you have some time for yourself. Maybe you really want to get in the kitchen and bake. Or maybe it's that you want to have some spiritual connection this holiday. But make sure whatever you do, it's not about sacrificing yourself and making others happy. That can be part of it. But make sure it's not something that's going to drain you and leave you feeling depleted.

And this is really closely related to number two, and that is self care. If you like baths, schedule them, lock the door, put on soothing music and light candles and tell everyone that you are unavailable for the next half hour. Or maybe you do something new, like take a class. And there can be a relational piece to this, especially if you have people in your life who are good at filling you up. So maybe you say, I really just want to spend some time with friends. That's going to fill me up this holiday season. So identify what self care looks like for you. One personal example for me is that some years ago, there was going to be someone at my holiday event that really did drain me. But I had decided that it was better to have them there than not. But what I did is I asked my partner to check in with me at a certain time of the evening to ask me how I was doing, if there was anything I needed asking for. What you need asking for, that emotional support, especially from those on whom you can depend, is a form of self care. And I found that really helpful that year. But focus on the things that are really, truly healthy for you, like meditation, eating well, getting out for a walk, taking time for yourself. All of this can seem like a luxury, but it's really important. The other thing you can do is breath work. And this doesn't have to take really any extra time. Breath is always with us, and it can really be self regulating and calming. One of the breaths that I really like is the box breath. Really simple to remember. You breathe in for four counts, hold for four counts, exhale for four counts, and pause for four counts. And you do that four times. What can make this exercise more powerful is to do a bit of a body scan before you even start. And you probably have an idea that you're not feeling so great in your body, but check in, where is it that you might be feeling some tension. And then when you do the breath work, you check in again afterwards and see, okay, how am I feeling now? And notice that difference. But the point here is to do something for you, and maybe you need to even put it on your calendar, but that's important.

Number three, let go of control. You cannot control other people, what they do, what their experiences are. You can approach other people with love. And if you do, number two, self care, then approaching others with love becomes a lot easier. The other thing is that the unexpected is likely to happen during the holiday time. And that's part of life. See if you can welcome it all, no matter what. And meditation can be really helpful here in providing you with some internal space to just be able to feel, accept, and then respond to the changing circumstances in a way that feels good to you. Otherwise, we can feel at the mercy of what's happening around us, out of control and in constant reaction mode. And that doesn't feel good. But remember, focusing on yourself. That is what you can control.

Number four, plan! Especially if you have kids or lots of other family around, and especially if you're part of a step family or blended family. If you're not going to Grandma's this year for Christmas Eve like you have in the past, or you're going to make a different dessert than you usually do, make sure everyone knows well in advance, because what might seem small and unimportant to you might trigger a big emotional response in others. So yes, this is caring for others, but it can be a really pretty simple thing, and it can make your experience a lot more pleasant. So make sure everyone's on the same page. So this includes a lot of communication. I'd also recommend delegating so that you're not doing it all. So again, plan this in advance. Who's going to bring what, or do what, or set the table or plan out Hanukah and what the gifts are going to be and what the price ranges are going to be, all those things. And then, number three, let go of control. People will make mistakes, and that's okay. It doesn't have to be perfect. And that also involves, number one, what's really important to you. So planning can also help. Sure, there are fewer surprises and hiccups. All right.

And that then brings us to number five, establish boundaries. So this is a big one. Remember, compassionate boundaries. Preserve our relationships and protect your inner experience. They are not meant to punish or to be mean. Now, it can feel that way when you're not used to them, and they can also feel that way if you communicate them when you're upset, when you're in the moment. So doing this ahead of time, so this involves planning, is a really good idea. And those who really love you and respect you will respect your boundaries, especially if you communicate them with love and with love for yourself. So think about how your boundaries tend to be violated at this time of year. What's happened in the past? What can you foresee happening? Do others ask too much of your time? Does someone in your family tend to make rude comments about others or drink too much or cause a scene? Are there kids who aren't respectful to some family members? Don't wait for it to happen again and then decide what to do in the moment. Instead, communicate your expectations compassionately but firmly. So here's an example. I really love spending time with you during the holidays. Now, the last few years, you've had several drinks and said some hurtful things to people and it made me really uncomfortable and sad. I love you and I want you and everyone else to enjoy themselves. So this year, I expect you to limit your intake to two drinks max or abstain from drinking. So that could be something you say, and yet is it hard? Yeah. Might you feel guilty for asking something like that of people? Yeah. And those feelings are okay. It takes some bravery, but you can do this. Might they decide not to come? Might they feel hurt? Yeah, maybe. But if they love you, they'll come around, even if it means skipping a year. Now, keep in mind, boundaries help you stay in connection with people. Because when our boundaries are violated again and again, not only is it depleting, but it can also lead us to reacting in anger and feeling then out of control or completely shutting down. And that can do a lot of damage. It is a good idea to think ahead of time of how that other person might respond to you setting boundaries, and then you can make that choice. Are you ready for this? Do you need some support? Is this something that you're up for? Because that, of course, is your choice.

There's a lot more that I would love to say about boundaries, and I am going to come back to that in a moment.

But first of all, I just want to summarize the five different tips that we've talked about today. So number one, identify what's really important and let the other things go. This can take a little bit of time and some self work, but you can get there. Number two is self care. Make sure you're taking care of yourself this holiday. That's really important. Number three, let go of control. Number four, plan, especially if you have a more complicated family. And then number five is to establish boundaries. And again, this is another one that can take a little bit, work a bit of work, but the payoff is really significant and can also lead to you getting better at doing that in other areas of your life.

If you struggle with boundaries, and most people do, and if you're listening to this before November 15, then I invite you to sign up for my free class on Setting Boundaries for the holidays. So I'm going to put the link in the show notes, or you can email me at karin. That's Karin with an “I” at Drcalde. Drcalde.com, and just put in the subject line boundaries. And I can send you the information, but it'll be Wednesday, November 15 at 530 Pacific Standard Time.

So this is it. Those are my five ideas for how to make sure that you can have a more peaceful, soul filling holiday where you don't feel so depleted. Happy holidays to all of you. And if you like this episode, I hope you share it with others.

Outro:

Thanks so much for being here. Thanks for joining us. Today on Love Is Us. If you like the show, I would so appreciate it if you left me a review. If you have questions and would like to follow me on social media, you can find me on Instagram, where I'm The Love and Connection Coach. Special thanks to Tim Gorman for my music, Aly Shaw for my artwork, and Ross Burdick for tech and editing assistance. Again, I'm so glad you joined us today, because the best way to bring more love into your life and into the world is to be loved. The best way to be loved is to love yourself and those around you. Let's learn and be inspired together.