Poem: Now it’s time to grieve the death of Emma

Uncomfortably, Beautifully Human

I remember as a young person, saying whatever came to my mind. Sometimes it’d get me into trouble. It wasn’t what a young girl was ‘supposed’ to say. I would go on in my life to dilute how I really felt and what I wanted to speak out of the fear of the repercussions. The fear of rejection. I did my best to be the kindest person or act like I knew exactly what to say. I couldn’t look a mess. I also couldn’t trigger another person, this was an absolute no-no and a complete fear in my body. In my head, it was my job to hold space for everyone and be the compassionate person. However, I soon learnt that leaning so much into this side of me, had me feeling quite empty. I wasn’t in my wholeness, I wasn’t welcoming all of me into the equation, because my impulsiveness that had caused so many challenges in my relationships, was something that needed to be fixed or suppressed at all costs. My impulsive nature to speak what felt exciting, interesting, curious could not be allowed to surface.

I remember this suppression hit me full in the face last year. I remember hysterically crying to my house mate at the time, “I just want to feel human again”. Shortly after this, a diagnosis of ADHD and autism, brought this un-filtered me back to life. It was like the permission slip I somehow needed.

I got to know this child me tentatively at first, still holding back, afraid at what mess she’d cause if I fully let go of control. And, in some situations, mess she did make. But then I had this amazing revelation, that she was trying to show me, what I knew when I was younger. My impulsiveness to speak un-filtered, to sometimes not know when to stop talking or understand the appropriate moment to share or say something, is not this un-grounded, weakness or way of being I have to spend my life fixing or suppressing, because I tried that, and it made me miserable. It was something about my nature that I needed to love, accept and see the gifts in, even if it resulted in a mess being made, because when I reflected on it, I always learnt SO much through the mess because I realised that I never spoke with the intention to hurt or trigger another, but from the intention to connect and love, even if that intention wasn’t always understood or seen by the other person or even myself.

I see how when people really get to know me and who I am, this is just something they know and come to love about me. I’ve even been thanked by close friends for ‘accidentally’ triggering them because it opened up things for them and contributed to their own growth and healing. It helped bring things to the surface that were previously not seen. This isn’t to say go around saying whatever you think, especially if you know that what you’ll say will hurt the person you’re speaking to. For me, it’s more about giving myself permission to speak and share freely, but to hold the intention that what’s said comes from a place to connect and to expand more love, and to offer the space for the other person to do the same, even if that expansion comes through challenge.

I wanted to share this because I wanted to use my example as an offering of light for people who may feel that trying to change things about themselves, that are truly their nature, isn’t the way they want to experience their life or themselves. I wanted to offer a way of experiencing life where who you are is okay and not in need of fixing or suppressing, but accepting and embracing for all the good intentions that are under the surface of behaviours that have been labelled ‘not okay’.

To wrap up, I wanted to finish by sharing a poem. Poetry was one of the first spaces I started letting this un-censored nature explore itself again. The other day I was listening to Beyonce’s new album, specifically the song RIIVERDANCE, and this poem just came out of nowhere and I remember reading it feeling a mix of excitement because it felt super fun and un-filtered and a feeling of I cannot say or share this. I have quite a few poems I feel this way about. Then I thought tonight, this space I’ve created ‘uncomfortably, beautifully human’ is about sharing the things that feel at my own edges, that feel a little uncomfortable, because, well, I don’t want to wait until I’m on Queen Bey’s level (if that’s even possible) to feel safe and free to write and say what feels natural and organic within my own art.

So here it is, a great poem to listen to/read with music that makes you feel empowered in the background, because that’s certainly how I felt after.

Overstimulated Emancipated It’s what I like I can’t fight with you I’m wild Child I’ve piled high Years of looking through different eyes Perspectives Will I regret this? Doubt asks But heart responds "You know the notes of the song Just not the order" I’m a former god -Dess Why do they want me to add a suffix to God? They can't see through their own illusion of fog That I'm the reincarnated Isis Blessed Pussy wet at my own touch Did that make you blush? Not a fan of all the fuss I make Maybe to you I’m a fake Because of all the sides of me My definition is free I won’t plead Bleed for you to see All the beauty that I culminate in the word 'I' Growing wings taking flight You might have fun If you let go a little of all the control Boxing inside of your soul I’ll scream loud I’ve found the answer I’m sure That I’ve grown bored of the person I thought I 'should' be The stuff others told me I had to believe Now it’s time to grieve the death of Emma who grew from should Would you mind making way for the sunrise of her new day? It was always in what her heart would say "Don’t be afraid to die and be reborn" You can scorn Shake your head Think I’ve made my bed When deep down You’re wishing I was giving you head in your bed I won’t tread lightly Fear that you’ll spite me out of spite Because you’re just bored of your own life Oh all the strife in toning down Thinking somewhere I’ll finally be found Please bury that Emma deep in the ground Because her corpse is the sort of nutrients I now need For my strong roots My true nature sprouting I travelled through so much doubting To here arrive At peace with life A new spark in my eyes Ease in my body I won’t be sorry for everything I left behind To remind me of myself instead of getting lost trying to be someone else.

with love,

Emma

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